My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Thursday, March 31, 2016


Ready for yet another post about my leg.  Well, ready or not, you get one.  Joy.

I went in to an orthopedic surgeon today.

I am registered to run a 1/2 marathon in June, and although my leg is getting better, it is not feeling up to snuff.  I can run without pain, and then the pain hits later, and I have to wait about 5 days before I can run again.  Usually, with pain in between runs.  It is a huge pain. (ha)

It has been 12 weeks since the initial injury, that is 4 weeks past the time I was given for the muscle to be healed and pain free.  Not good.

So, I went to the ortho. surgeon today.  They did some X-rays and then Dr. Davis came in to talk to me.

It's not good folks.  I am fighting some serious frustration right now, and some strong emotions.  They are just below the surface, but hopefully copious amounts of girl scout cookies and various distractions from the kids will help keep it all at bay.

The surgeon is almost positive that I have a Labram tear.

I had never heard of it before, and it is extremely confusing and hard to explain.

The only positive part of this whole thing, is that I did nothing to cause it.

It is strictly, age, time, and the way my bones are formed on that joint.  This was going to happen anyway.  It was the perfect storm brewing, and it finally hit.

The really, really crappy part, is that it will most likely happen to my other hip at some point in my life.

Basically, there is some soft tissue and cartilage around the joint where the hip hooks into the pelvis.

I tore that soft tissue from the bone.

The other crappy news, is that it is part where there is no blood supply, which means, absolutely no chance of it healing itself...ever.  Surgery is the only way to fix it.
Yup, that would be screws and pins folks.

I can basically do very extensive physical therapy and pain relief techniques to try to get the pressure off the joint and prevent further damage, but the damage is done.

Depending on the severity of the tear, surgery could be an option sooner than later.

It is the only option for a complete recovery.  The question is, how long can I go before that is necessary. 

The doctor is hoping it is not in the immediate future, or even close to that.

The recovery from a surgery for this is 6 MONTHS MINIMUM of zero activity.  It is also known as one of the more painful and uncomfortable recoveries.

Go me.

I will be getting an MRI to see how bad, or not bad,  everything is.

Oh, and as an added bonus, this particular area is extremely painful to MRI, because the injection site for the iodine is so sensitive.  On top of that, they are going to do a steroid shot (cortisone shot), at the same time.  According to the doctor, that is "extremely unpleasant."

Somebody please just knock me out.

So, there it is.  The MRI will be the tell all in this whole mess.  I am praying that the damage is minimal.
Until then, I am back to no running again...for at least 8 weeks.  ARGH!!!  

Just call me Becky Biker Legs.  Blah!

18 months

Miss Molly is 18 months old. 
It was actually a couple weeks ago, but either happened.
I don't know how it happened, or where the time went, but I just can't believe it. 
With Molly, every day older she is, the more in shock I am. 
I just want my baby to remain my baby.

Molly is a very sweet and fun-loving little girl.

She loves books.  She would just sit in my lap and look at books with me all day if she could.

She is finally starting to talk a little more. 
She can say, mom, dad,babo (bottle), no, yes, and wweeeee (slide)

Her nicknames are: brown sugar, precious, molly girl, and brown princess

She still loves to go on walks with daddy, play with daddy, wrestle with daddy, and pretty much do anything with daddy.  The way she lights up when he gets home from work is priceless.

She really likes stuffed animals, stacking things, bouncy balls, shoes and chocolate.

She loves to play with anyone that will play with her, and she will do almost anything to get in a good snuggle with Buttercup, Mary's guinea pig.

Her favorite song is "We are a happy family" and she sings it all the time.

She has started throwing little tantrums, but the poor kid, is never taken seriously.  She looks so cute when she is trying to be grumpy, that we all end up laughing.  Hopefully, this will help her continue to be a happy kid.

She sleeps on me.  Literally, on me.  She falls asleep every night, and every nap time with her head on my head, or on my chest.  If she is not touching me, she wakes up. 

She is such a light in our lives.  Whenever I am having a hard time, even if I don't realize it, snuggling with Molly heals my heart and soul.  She is a very special and precious little girl.

We love our Molly Grace so, so much.

hoppy easter

Easter weekend was great.

Mary had a tumbling meet in Burley Saturday morning, so we headed to Pocatello Friday night.

It had been a LONG week, and I was in desperate need to get away, and to be with my parents for a little while.  Even though I am all growed up, I still need my mommy.

Saturday morning, Ben, my mom, Molly, Mary and I headed out to Mary's meet.

The three boys stayed home with Bop, to do man things.  :)

Mary's meet was extremely small.  She was the only one competing in her group on double mini, and there were only two of them on floor!  Normally, there are around 15 in each group.

It was fun to watch Mary tumble though, and to hang out with Ben and my mom.

Mary did great, and she even mobilized up to level 8 on double mini!

 It was fun to have Ben there.  He is usually home with the other kids, while I take Mary to her meets, so it was great for him to be able to see Mary in action.
 There was a little warm up room where the athletes could go to stretch and get ready for their next event.  We were hanging out by the room, and I glanced in there to see this.
My heart completely melted.  This picture is an absolute treasure.  My precious girls.

After the meet, we grabbed the best lunch ever at Papa Kelsey's, and headed back to the boys.

We came home to this.

My dad had real wood and nails upstairs, along with power tools, and he and the boys had been "playing" while we were gone.  Luke had a real tool belt on, and he was over the moon!  They also cut out Sam's pinewood derby car.

Boys will be boys.

I was so happy that my boys could have some quality time with their grandpa.

We dyed eggs in the afternoon, and hung out together.

That evening was the General Womens conference.  It was special to be able to go with Mary and my mom.  It was a wonderful conference.  They talked a lot about service and love.

My dad and I stayed up late talking and stuffing easter eggs for the hunt the next morning.  It is so nice to be able to just hang out with my dad and get advice and a listening ear.  He is a good man.

Easter morning was crazy as usual.  The kids were very excited to see their Easter baskets.  Unfortunately, the hunt had to wait until after church.

Church was wonderful!  The lesson in Relief Society was exactly what I needed to hear.  It was all about raising children. 

Sacrament meeting was also very neat.  Dexter Hill (Taysom Hill's brother) and a family friend, died suddenly on Friday night, and his family came to Sacrament meeting.  His father spoke about his son's death and some insight he had gained.  His strength and faith were amazing, for having lost his son just less than 2 days prior.  I was able to give Taysom and his parents a hug after the meeting.  I was really hoping Jordan would be there.  I went to High School with him, and he was a good friend of mine.  His family was still traveling to Idaho though.  The whole spirit of the meeting was very neat.  Perfect for Easter.

After church, it was picture time.  I always take pictures of the kids on Easter Sunday, all dressed up in their new Easter clothes.  The kids were bursting at the seams to get going with the Easter Egg hunt, and they had a bad case of the wiggles.  The kids looked adorable though!!!


After pictures, we let the kids rip off their Sunday clothes, and FINALLY go hunt for the 80 Easter eggs.
They seriously found them in less than 10 minutes!

 We had a very yummy Easter dinner, hung out a little more, and then drug our feet out the door to head back home.

It was a wonderful Easter.

forward facing

Last week, Molly got to make the transition to the forward facing car seat.

From the second I placed her in her "new ride" she was mesmerized with looking out the window. 

She would shriek, clap, and point to everything we drove by.  She loved it!!!
not sure what to think at first

As for me, it was kind of sentimental pulling our infant car seat out.  I didn't exactly know where to put it.

Normally, I put it in storage, for the next baby.

This time....I don't really know.

Another first for Molly, and last for me.

So crazy!

tool man

I love that Luke loves tools so much.

Last week, Ben was fixing our coat rack (which fell down for the 3rd time), with some power tools.

As soon as Luke heard the sound of the tools, he went tearing over there and promptly sat down by the drill bits.

He played with them for the next 25 minutes, while Ben fixed the coat rack. 

I think he asked over 30 questions in that time, all about tools and fixing things.

Love my curious boy.

notice he brought his own tools along as well

Sunday, March 20, 2016

good saturday

Yesterday, after a FULL night of sleep, and even being able to sleep in, I woke up feeling like a human again. No panic attack hovering just under the surface.  No baggy eyes.  No numb zombie mind.

It felt great!

The sun was out, William and Molly seemed to be feeling great, the house was spotless and thoroughly sanitized, and we had the whole day to ourselves.  No schedules, no homework, no practices, lessons, no sickness, etc.

Ben and I went to the gym, and then we all spent the afternoon outside, enjoying the sunshine.  The kids played with friends...even William!, and I did some serious spring cleaning with the yard and garage.

Check out this load Ben drove to the dump!

Due to the sickness during the week, and worry about spreading it, we had to cancel some plans that we were looking forward to at the end of the week, and we were tempted to let that get us discouraged and sad, but instead, we decided to take advantage of the good day, and head to Provo to swim at the rec center. 

The kids love the pool they have there.  It had a huge kid section for the three little ones, a rock climbing wall that comes up out of the pool, a deep end, a lazy river, and a basketball pool, for the older kids.

We had a great time at the pool, and I thoroughly enjoyed soaking in the hot tub for a few minutes.  I am not a bath person, but when I go to swimming pools, I LOVE the hot tubs.

The kids swam until they could hardly swim any more, and then we headed over to our favorite family restaurant....Red Robin.

I think between all of us, we pounded down 6 plates of sweet potato fries along with our dinners.

 It was so wonderful to just have fun and play together, after such a horrible week.  I think I savored it even that much more because of it.

We grabbed ice cream cones on the way home, and then called it a night.

As I tucked all of the kids in bed, especially William and Molly, I was just so grateful for health, fun times, times of peace and harmony, and for life.

I could not think of a better way to end such a rotten week.

I said a very sincere prayer of thanks that night.

st. pattys day

St. Patrick's Day was on Thursday.

It was an extremely crazy week, and our leprechaun was definitely not on top of it's game, but we did still manage to pull off a fun St. Patty's morning.

Our leprechaun came during the night, did a few silly things, like turn the milk green, hide shoes and backpacks, and draw on the bananas.  He also left some fun green things for the kids to wear to school, and some Lucky Charm cereal.

The kids thought it was fun to get all dressed up.

I am glad they were able to have some fun and silliness during such a crazy week.

They make pretty cute green people, I must say!

the good stuff

A few days ago, when William was starting to feel better and get his energy back, he asked for a notebook and a pen.

He was up in his room for a long time, and then he came downstairs and informed me that he had written his very first sentence!

He was extremely was I.

I was thrilled that William had decided to try this all on his own, and that he had spent so much time working on it. 

Then, I saw what he wrote, and I thought my heart would burst.
I like Sam, because he is nice.
Of all of the sentences he could have written, about all of the different things he does and he likes, this was the thing that seemed to be in his heart at the moment.

It was so precious, there just aren't words.

Oh, my heart.

good riddance

This past week was crappy, to say the least.

There are bad weeks, good weeks, bad days, good days, bad moments, good moments...and then there are the times that are so horrible, or so great, they have their very own imprint on us, and they may even change us.

This past week was one of those weeks that would have been nice, if is just could have been bad. Instead, it was horrible.  Absolutely horrible.

The main reason, obviously, is that William was terribly sick.  So sick in fact, that in a few different moments, I genuinely worried about him surviving this illness.  The worry that the doctors conveyed to us did not help to ease my fears.

  In my mind, the only thing worse than William being this sick, would be to have one of the younger, and less likely able to fight this illness, kids get the flu. Molly or Luke.

Molly woke in the middle of the night this week with a high fever.  I was already camped out in the living room next to William, trying to fight his burning fever and trying to be there, and catch it, if he needed to go back to the ER, if the illness entered his blood stream...which has been proven to be fatal.

With Molly showing signs of the flu, coupled with my absolute exhaustion of no sleep and being worried to the point of some underlying panic attacks just below the surface, this pushed me to the breaking point.
this is where Molly spent the day

I called the doctor, who immediately put Molly on Tamiflu, and reassured me that since she had the flu shot, she most likely would not get as sick as William.  That helped..a little.

On top of this, William HATED the Tamiflu.  It would take as long as 50 minutes to get him to drink 10mL of the stuff.  He had to drink it twice a day. 
He would scream, cry, gag, spit, and beg us not to make him drink it.
It was a nightmare.
At one point, he informed that that is tasted like "dead chicken and dead cow."

Due to the stress and exhaustion, I could feel my heart begin pounding, and my breath getting short, and the panic begin to rise, several times throughout the day, and I knew I needed to have some me time, in order to try to prevent a panic attack.

The kids could not go to the kids club at the gym, so I had to work out at 5:00am one morning, and another day, I had to keep Mary home to watch William, so I could get to the gym for an hour.  Of course, I did miss a day too. I was so exhausted, that in order to work out, and just make it through the day and night watching William, I was drinking serious amounts of zip fizz.

Added to all of this, the weather was terrible, and we were all trapped inside.  In my current state, it did not help at all to have Luke climbing the walls and constantly begging for attention, in any form.  He resorted to teasing Molly and destroying the house. There were several days where I can honestly say at least one child was crying or fighting every single minute of the day.

 I also had piano lessons to teach, because we have a recital this week, (I had to teach them all at random times, due to rescheduling because of doctor appointments.) Mary's tumbling carpool fell through, which meant I was dragging kids with me, and cancelling other things, in order to get Mary where she needed to be. I also had to help with Sam's huge school project, a presidency meeting that literally went until midnight...not kidding, and the other household duties that were backing up into literal piles all around the house. Did I mention the doctor and hospital visits in between.

Ben had a big work week, and he sacrificed a lot to stay later a few mornings, and to come home earlier as well.  He saved me.

Wednesday night, or morning, (it was all a blur to me)  probably around 3:00am, I woke up in a complete panic.  I had fallen asleep next to William.  It had been a couple hours, and I had not checked on him!  All I could think of was the doctors words that "sepsis can happen within minutes.  If you don't catch it, they will just be gone."
I immediately checked on William.  He was still hot, but at least he seemed the same, not worse, and he was sleeping.
  As I laid back down, my heart began pounding, and my breath became really short.  I just started crying and crying, and I could not stop.  I knew I was breaking down, and I just let it happen.  I prayed for a very long time for some help.  I actually just begged and pleaded.  I was completely cracking from stress and exhaustion.  The week had just been too long.

Thursday morning, I got up at 5:00am and went to the gym. My friend, who was going to go with me, ended up sick and could not go.
I ended up crying because of this.  Stupid, I know!
I was so desperate to just be with a friend, and I was pretty much a complete mess.  We had the flu in our house, so it's not really like we had any visitors or outside help coming in.  I was desperate for just be with someone, to share the load, talk to someone.   It was a lonely week. Can you blame anyone though??  We freaking had the plague! 

I went to the gym anyway.

 For the first time in 8 weeks, I was able to run 5 miles, without much pain in my leg.  I have only run 3 miles a couple times since my injury, so this was huge!
I knew it was a tender mercy.  The Lord remembered me, and he knew what it would take to boost my spirits and help me feel some sort of joy and victory that week.

I came home with a new boost of energy and hope.  The morning was still terrible.  Fighting kids, sick kids, a mile long to-do list, panic rising in my chest, and so on.
But somewhere deep within me, I felt peace.  I knew, for sure, that William was going to be fine.  So was Molly.  I just somehow knew it.
That morning...Williams 7 day fever finally broke.  He also ate breakfast, and played outside a little.  The Tamiflu also began helping Molly, as with Motrin, I was able to get her fever down.  She was also up and playing around.

Without really thinking, once I got Mary and Sam off to school, I grabbed some sanitizer and started wiping down the kitchen.  It felt so good to finally DO something to this stupid flu bug.  I knew the sanitizer would kill any remnants left over in our house, and it felt so good to feel like I was killing it...attacking it....getting it back for all of the misery, worrying, and suffering it was causing.

Five hours later, every nook and cranny of our house was spotless and completely sanitized...twice.  Yup, seriously...twice.  Every door nob, piano key, toy, table, light switch, and railing.  Every bathroom, bedroom, blanket, pillow, stuffed animal, pillow case, sheet, d├ęcor pillow, and item of clothing had been washed.

I scrubbed all of my frustration out.  I scrubbed and cried, I scrubbed and smiled, I scrubbed and juggled kids, I just kept scrubbing.  It was awesome!

A sweet friend of mine brought dinner over Thursday night.  She had asked earlier in the week, and I told her we were fine.  After all, I was not sick, and I was perfectly capable of making dinner.  I am so glad she did not listen to me.  I don't know what it was about it, but just the simple thing as not worrying about making dinner, went a REALLY long way that day.  I was so grateful.

Thursday night, I slept in our bed.  I did not sleep on the floor by William.  I had slept on the floor by him every night that week, worrying and watching.  Thursday night, I knew he would be ok, and I slept.  I actually slept.  It was wonderful.

Friday morning, William and Molly both seemed so much better.  No fevers, more energy, appetite, and asking to play. 
I was very relieved about this, but I was still struggling with the stress of it all.  I definitely was fighting another panic attack.
The sun was finally out and the weather was warm.  Luke was able to blast around outside and begin releasing all of his pent up energy.
The day wasn't exactly awesome, but it was at least not horrible.
I was so grateful.....and very relieved that our week from hell was hopefully looking up.

Good riddance.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

holy moly

So, remember the post a couple days ago about William having strep throat.

It wasn't strep.

Looking back, I really, really wish it would have been.

I was 99% sure William had strep throat.  He had all of the signs.  Really high fever, headache, and a very, very sore throat....

I got to experience the joy of taking 3 kids ages 5 and under to the pediatrician's office.  I would never have done that, but I honestly thought it would be a quick throat swab, prescription pick up, and back home.

William's strep test came back negative, and I was so confused.  He looked so, so sick!  The doctor then listened to his lungs, which were full, so they decided to do a breathing treatment in the office. 

The was fun.

William was so sick, and whimpering, Luke was starving and bawling, and Molly was begging for suckers and stickers.  It was nap time and lunch time.  Basically, it was a disaster.

15 LOOONG minutes later, William's treatment was done.  The treatment cleared his lungs, which was great news.  I thought we would finally be on our way, but then the doctor decided to get a second opinion, because William was looking worse by the minute.

She came back with the decision that we needed to drive William over to the lab in the hospital to get swabbed for the Influenza test.

She wrote up a prescription for that and finally sent us on our way.

I honestly didn't think he had the flu, and the kids and I were well beyond done with the whole outing, so I just drove us all home.

William continued to get worse and worse as the day wore on.

That night, we were both up the entire night trying in vain to bring his fever of 103 down, and I was worried to death about my boy.  He was lethargic, hallucinating, weak, burning up, and looked terrible!  Ben gave him a blessing that night.

The next day I kept Mary and Sam home from school to help with Luke and Molly, and I took William in for the lab test.

He didn't like it, but was too sick to care much. He just laid on me while they did the swab.  My heart was hurting for him.

It came back positive for Influenza A.  Two children in Heber have died from this in the past month, and another is in the ICU at the moment. 

The doctor called me and informed me to take William to the ER and then have him admitted to the hospital.

I was already extremely worried about William, but this pushed me over the edge.  I admit, I felt completely panicked.

I called my neighbor and friend Karli, who is an ER nurse, and had her come look at William.

She suggested we head over to the ER as well.

So, off we went, in the middle of a March snow storm.  Blah.

William was confirmed to be a very, very sick boy.

They started an IV, which he hated, but was too weak to really fight.  This is the child who is the only one in the family to not get the flu shot, because he was flipping out so badly.  For him to just lie there and whimper during an IV, that really says something about how sick he really was. Oh, my heart. :( 

Then they did some chest X-rays.

And then we just waited.

The chest x-ray came back clear, which was great news.  Pneumonia was ruled out as a secondary infection, which is what is making this so terrible.

The other major concern is that the virus will enter his blood stream.  This is what took the lives of the other children here, and it can happen very suddenly.

After the IV fluids were all in William, they checked his vitals again.  They still were not good.  Fever was still high, heart rate was still high, and blood pressure was bad too.

They told me that William could go either way, at any time. 
All they could do in the hospital was sit and wait and watch.
The same thing we could do at home....but for much less $$.

They let us go home, under strict orders to watch William like a hawk, and to come back at any sign of him getting worse.

Talk about pressure.  William already looked terrible to me, how was I supposed to know if he was worse or not???

I did not sleep at all last night.  Every little cough or whimper from William had me at his side checking him over completely.  It was horrible.  How was I supposed to sleep, when my little boy could go septic in a moments notice. 

I have prayed so much the last few days, and others have been praying too.

This morning, William seemed slightly better, much to our relief.

Ben stayed home to help, and I got in a little nap as well. 

This afternoon, William is actually walking around a little, and he even ate a little bit!!!

He is still a very, very sick little boy, but at least the panic meter in my mommy alert system has stopped buzzing.

Next year....flu shots for EVERYONE!

ugh, ugh, ugh