My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Monday, November 28, 2011

I Have Realized....

...that watching Ben ski with Mary and Sam is a rare opportunity of a glimpse into true happiness in one of its rarest forms.

All three of them grinned and grinned and grinned.

All three of them are dare devils and had me biting my nails off, one at a time. All three of them love the sport. And all three of them were having fun together, a sight that melted my heart.

William is not one step behind. He was watching with such profound interest, I could tell he was eager to get out there and try it himself. Instead of skiing this year, he learned all about snow. The taste of snow, the smell of snow, the feel of snow under his boots, and the thrill of snow that comes from the heart of a child.
It was a great day on the ski hill for our whole family.

...great big cups of hot chocolate, complete with whip cream and marshmallows, can thaw the frozen toes and fingers brought on by a day in the snow, and warm hearts.

...although netflix is great, redbox is still a must have.

...that hanging the Christmas lights on the house with Ben is actually really fun, especially when the kids are occupying themselves by making a fort in Mary's room. We don't always see eye to eye on when and how to hang the lights, and it has been a little "interesting" in years past, but this year we met in the middle and had a great time. Ben proved his Superman-ness once more and got the lights to the edge of the roof without falling off. I am usually the one on the roof, but Ben sacrificed himself this year, in order not to risk hurting the baby in the womb. I LOVE our new lights this year, and I really didn't mind unscrewing every other one to make the red/white pattern. I think it is so cute, and so much better than our other lights that would always sag, burn out in chunks, and randomly blink or not blink. So much better this year!

...that having Thanksgiving dinner with our own little family can be just as meaningful and fun as we make it. I did the whole sha-bang. Turkey, stuffing, yams, layered jello (common, I had to, we are in Utah now), rolls, and on and on and on.
The dinner was so yummy, and making it was fun too. We even pulled out or china. oooohhh, aaahhhh. We talked about what we are thankful for and enjoyed being together, just us, our own little unit. Next year we will put the turkey in before hanging the lights though. Lets just say our Thanksgiving "feast" was a little later then normal. But all was well. At least it wasn't Denny's this year. Perspective my friends..perspective. ;)

...that friends, lots of pie, and a Just Dance Wii game can make for a fun Thanksgiving evening. Thank you Katie and fam for making the trek over here to hang with us. It made the day complete for sure.

...that setting up the Christmas decorations with the whole family takes a lot longer, but is so much more fun to do with everyone, than by myself.

The joy and excitement it brought to our kids and our home was priceless, and worth every extra minute it took.

...that one hotel room for a night with the family, walking around and checking out the lights on Temple Square,

watching movies while eating Oreos (with cheese?) in a great big hotel bed,

swimming, swimming, swimming, and more swimming,

eating out, hanging out, and getting a Christmas tree is probably the best way ever to spend a Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving.

...that we are capable of having a lot of fun with our own little family. Of course, we love to be with extended family, loved ones and friends. We cherish those moments with people we love. But, I realized this weekend, that as our kids continue to grow and we are able to do more things, we can have so much fun with just us. And we did. It gave me a new perspective into our future together, and made me very excited for trips, weekends, moments, and memories we will make together as a family.

..that a Christmas tree looks a lot smaller in the tree lot. oops. ;)
But is was so pretty! We could make it work, if we didn't use the piano, sit on the couch, or attempt to put gifts under the tree.

We have decided that part of FHE tonight will be exchanging our tree for a smaller one. At least the house smells of fresh pine (which to me is the best smell on earth).

...that a date with Ben, no matter what we do, is wonderful. We spent Saturday evening at the movies, and I even got popcorn! That is pretty amazing for us and our frugal ways sometimes. It was yummy. The movie, in my opinion and contrary to popular belief, was pretty good, and the time alone with Ben was great. He is my best friend.

...that my jeans are oh, so tight and my maternity pants are oh, so loose. Such a fun phase.

...that Mary has a shark mouth.

The poor kid hasn't lost a tooth yet, and she will be 7 in a few weeks. She pretty much doesn't have a chance, with my genetics anyway. I lost my first tooth (that wasn't pulled by the dentist) when I was almost 8. My sister is the same.

Mary finally has a loose tooth though, and luckily, it is the one in front of the shark tooth. eek!

...that a beautiful choir practice with wonderful Christmas music, tithing settlement (and realizing our blessings) and hanging out with friends on a Sunday evening is the perfect way to end a wonderful weekend. Even if we did play a head chopping, big chested, bum in the wind type of game. It was all good. ;)

...that this post is getting very, very long, and I am still in my pj's and I need to go to the store. I'm still pretending it's the weekend. Denial, I guess.
I am very grateful for the wonderful weekend we were able to have and the happiness and joy we felt. It was a very, very happy Thanksgiving, and one I feel was very needed, a great blessing, and not taken for granted.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Because I really don't want to forget.

These are just a FEW things I have heard a certain adorable 4 yr. old boy say lately.

Ben: "Sam, why are you such a good boy?"
Sam: "um, I don't know...Jesus."

Me: "Sam, please behave a little better."
Sam: " I am being have."
Me: "huh?"
Sam: " And how can I behave anyway, I don't even know who Have is?"

(on Sam's first day of preschool)
Ben: "Sam, do you remember what I said about preschool."
Sam: "I know, I nice to the humans."

Sam: "Life would be so much better without a mom and dad."
Me: "Oh really...why?"
Sam: "Because then we could buy toys that are too expensive, because no one would say they are too expensive."
Me: "They would still be expensive Sam, and how would you get the money to pay for them?
Sam: "Well, I guess we would keep dad. And there is always grandma."

(during prayers)
Mom is saying the prayer and Sam interrupts and says,
"Please tell Jesus to tell Santa that I want a remote control monster truck for Christmas. I am too shy to tell Santa myself, and Santa has to listen to Jesus."

And now for a little story.
The other day I bought Sam some gloves at the store. I just grabbed a pair and threw them in the cart. They were army green with little sticky pads on the palms and under the fingers.
When I brought them home and gave them to Sam, he was ecstatic! He calls them his sticky gloves, and he swears that he can climb buildings and poles with them. He even tried to climb the walls in our house.
This has gone on for two weeks now, and even though he has yet to climb up the house by his fingertips, he is convinced that he can.
He is now asking for sticky socks, he is sure that those will be all he needs to give him the extra boost to climb everything.
It is hilarious, and so funny.

Four is one of my favorite ages, and I sure love my little Sammy boy. He keeps me smiling.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Putting myself in time out.

Time Out For Women that is.

Oh what a weekend!

It was spent with 15+ wonderful women that I have come to know and love this past year and 1/2. We ate yummy food at great places, giggled into the wee hours of the morning, laughed and cried throughout the presentations, were so spiritualy uplifted and rejuvinated by amazing speakers and music, had a crazy experience during our midnight run to Chili's for chips and salsa, and my sickness, lonliness, frustrated, slump these past few months was finally lifted.

I have never done anything like this before, and it was my FIRST time ever spending a night away from my family doing something fun, for me. After I saw and felt how wonderful and rejuvinating it was, I plan on making this a tradition. And so does everyone else.

Ben did a wonderful job of juggling sports, Birthday parties, getting ready for company, and holding the fort down. He did not complain, and constantly told me to not worry and to just have fun. He is such a great guy.

Because I was able to relax and really dig deep for a day or so, my heart was healed a little more from some hurt I was carrying, I gained a greater resolve to brush things off and to choose how I feel, instead of letting others. My nausea was literally lifted from me for a few days, I felt the love and closeness of my Savior, and I came away with new goals, new desires, new confidence, and a better sense of who I am and why I am here.

The weekend flew by, and before we all knew it, we were homeward bound once more. I came home to my mother-in-law and Ben's brother and his family here. We have had a fun past few days hanging out and being together. The kids are having a blast with grandma, and I am so, So, SO thankful for some loving, helping hands in our home.
My brother and his family arrive tonight, and fly out to AZ in the morning, Ben's family will stay until tomorrow, and then boom...Thanksgiving and a fun filled weekend.

Crazy, but a good crazy. I will take it for sure.

To add to the weekend, I am now officially 12 weeks along. The nausea is strong today, but the past few days, I have noticed that it is finally beginning to subside, in small doses. That has given me a lot of hope and excitement. I even ate some sugar without feeling like death run over!

Also, I saw the first picture of myself since I got my new hair style. It was taken at Time Out For Women, and I LOVED it! I don't think many of us knew the picture was being taken, but I was just so happy to see myself with hair, instead of all face in a picture. I LOVE my new long, side-swept bangs, and the highlights and lowlights. It has been my favorite haircut so far. Ben loves it too, which makes it even better. Hooray! (the washing machine is a little joke)

All in all, I am feeling much better in several areas. Life is not perfect, and anyone who says so, and who gets on others for not saying the same, has some problems. But it is better and I have hope that it will contiue to go mostly upward from here. And for now, I will bask in it.

For this momma, time out is the best punishment you could give me. ;)

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Hello blogging world,
I am back. What a crazy ride we have been on. Sorry for no posting, and no checking up on other posts either. I hope no one is offended. There is just a time and a place for blogging for me, and the past little while has not been the time.

I have noticed a certain pattern in my life and the life of my family. The pattern comes in the form of waves. A true test of endurance I think. Good thing I run, and have taught myself how to endure, even when you feel like lying down on the road, crying and giving up. I honestly feel that endurance has been a gift given to me in a few forms, and a gift I am expected to use.

For us, when life is good, it is good. We have fun, we embrace it, we enjoy it, and we make the most of it. We love to have fun.

When life gets hard, it gets really hard. We struggle, we fight, we cry and we endure. And it usually does not just sprinkle, we get the floods.

For some reason, we don't get much of the here a little and there a little types of things. It is all or nothing usually.

And I tell you what, during those long stretches of hardship, there is no better time to learn some serious life lessons, figure out who your true friends are, and dig deep.

If you didn't see my last post, you may want to go back to it, but it is the perfect example of what I am talking about. We don't just get a few days of a stomach bug. Nope, we get that along with about 5 other illnesses, a cracked skull, morning sickness, and some other issues that are personal.

And no, it didn't end when the post did. I am just coming away from a horrid 3 day stomach bug, which William also had. So fun.

Ben gave me a blessing last night, because after 8 weeks of being sick and taking care of the sick, I finally cracked. Oh yeah, I sure cracked. It was amazing, I am sure.

This morning though, I woke up with all sorts of perspective and insight. And to me, a lesson learned and not recorded, is a lesson not remembered. So, leaving out some of the more personal stuff, here are some things I have learned during this wave in our lives.

Lesson #1
True friends will reveal themselves when endurance is put to the test.
Yup, that's right. And this can be a very hurtful lesson when it comes to some friends that leave you, label you as annoying or a complainer, or just ignore you during long bouts of hardship, but come running when it is time to party.
I can honestly say, that I was quite surprised with who actually has continued to call and check up and offer to help, and who has turned the other cheek and ignored us, or have asked how we are and then walked away.
I am so grateful for true friends, even when I may be surprised with who they end up being or not being.

Lesson #2
If momma aint happy, aint nobody happy.
This past little while, I have had my eyes opened to how my illness, sadness, happiness, energy or lack of, and attention, truly set the tone for our home and family.
I have learned to hide a lot, to suffer silently a few times, to cook dinner when I feel half dead, and to smile for the kids, when really I am holding down the urge to vomit or scream.
My family deserves a stable mother, through sickness and health. I am trying.

Lesson #3
Just because you're the momma doesn't mean you don't need yours
My mom had surgery last week, and therefore has not been able to physically be here to help. Long phone conversations however, have gone a long way. If anything, they have helped with the loneliness of being stuck home sick for weeks on end.

Lesson #4
Christmas music can be listened to before Thanksgiving, if it means making you feel better.
And it does, so I am listening to it.

Lesson #5
Outward not Inward
This one has been hard, because inward, I have been the one needing. No matter what though, it always feels good to look outward for someone in need and to serve. There is always an opportunity.

Lesson #6
The Gospel is true. The Lord understands. Prayers are answered. Blessings come. All we need to do is ask and follow.
I will NEVER deny this.

Lesson #7
Bitterness grows. Forgiveness forgets.
Oh man, have I had a battle with this one. I am finally winning, I think.

Lesson #8
Ben is the eternal companion for me..oh, and he is Superman.
Ben is my best friend. He is an amazing listener. He has a great strong shoulder to cry on, and he is patient. I love him.

Lesson #8
Look Forward
Looking forward to things, when the present isn't that great, really helps me to keep going and have hope. Time Out For Women is tomorrow, and I am more than excited. Friends, hotel, dinner, spiritual boosts from amazing people, and time for me. That is so rare, and so needed.
Thanksgiving has also been another thing I have been anticipating. A nice break from the norm, getting away for a while, and time with family.
BUT, life happens, plans changed, and we will be on our own this year, in our own home. At first, I was pretty sad, but now I am excited thinking about how we are going to make it a very fun weekend. And I have done Thanksgiving dinner on my own several times now, so I look forward to making the food and doing it how we like it.
We have a lot of really fun plans for that weekend, including skiing, sledding, festival of the trees, Temple Square lights, movies, caramel apples, getting the Christmas tree, and more. I am very excited to have a weekend with our own little family, making traditions and relaxing together. It will all be ok.

Lesson #9
Find the lessons in the situation.
Feeling like you are going through something for nothing but pure torture, is too much for anyone to handle. Finding the lessons in life's ups and downs is vital for me. Applying those lessons is even more important.

And the list goes on, but I will stop there. Have I been a good student?

So there you have it. A few of the things this "wave" has taught me. Let's hope it is calm waters for a while now.

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Last 13 Days

Lets just say it went a little something like this.

Wednesday: Sam gets hit in the head with a golf club. Spends the night bawling and we are up all night wiping clear fluid from his ear and trying to get him comfortable. Sam can't sleep on that side of his head. (13 days later, he still can't)

Thursday: Ben's Birthday. Go to pediatrician, specialist and then to Primary Children's. Learn of Sam's skull fracture and serious injury to head and ear. Up all night Thursday night with Sam, who is in a lot of pain again.

Friday: Celebrate Ben's Birthday. Ben has a horrible allergic reaction to honey, breaks out in hives and swells up like a balloon. I am VERY sick and exhausted. Go to school Carnival, which turned out pretty fun. We are up several times in the night with Sam again. I am up several times, because I am sick.

Saturday: Sam has a high fever and is coughing. William has a horrid diaper rash. Both are miserable all day. Cancel adult only neighborhood Halloween party and spend a miserable evening with sick kids. My nausea gets worse by quite a lot. Up several times in the night fighting Sam's fever and cough.

Sunday: Not a good day. Have some not so good things come up to deal with emotionally. I am slammed on all levels now. William begins coughing. No church for anyone. Sam is STILL sick and is showing signs of hearing loss. I cry a lot all day out of exhaustion, frusteration and being so sick with morning sickness. William is up all night with a burning fever. Sam is up coughing. I throw up several times that evening.

Monday: Sam and William are sick. Mom is sick. Try to have a good Halloween. Day gets better as it goes. Sam goes to five houses and then gets too sick and spends trick or treating time on couch watching a show. (he watched almost 60 episodes of Dragon Tails in 13 days) Yup, this is a kid who I have to beg to just watch one show. Mom stays home with he and William.

Tuesday: Sam gets a horrible stomach ache. He goes diarrhea in his pants twice. Mom gets to clean it up. William is very sick with a fever and is coughing. Dad stays home to try to help. Up all night again with kids.

Wednesday: Mary starts running a fever. Sam's stomach ache is worse. William is coughing up mucus balls and choking on them. Mom is the most nauseated she has been so far in the pregnancy. Mom has several breakdowns again. Up all night with Mary, who hates medicine. Takes 2 hours to get meds in her. She finally eats a pill hidden inside a Snickers bar at 2:00AM.

Thursday: All three kids are home all day sick and miserable. So is mom. Mom has first baby appointment. Doctor is so kind and does an ultrasound. Get to see baby and hear heartbeat. Nothing more precious. Up all night again.

Friday: Kids show signs of being a little better. Mom is still crappy. Ben tries to help mom's declining emotional state by planning a dinner date. Date is wonderful. Come home to find out William cried the entire time. He is cutting three teeth. Pay babysitter extra. Up all night with Mary who now has a stomach ache and William whose mouth hurts.

Saturday: Kids finally seem well! Mom gets her hair done at a nice salon, and loves the change. She listens to Christmas music (a little early for her, but so needed) on the way there, and looks at the beautiful snow. She then treats her sick self and Mary to Costa Vida after getting Mary from gymnastics. Ben goes to a ski shop with the boys and meets all of the pros that he knows all about. He buys some goggles from one of them and then sees the pro wearing them in a video he shot earlier. Mary gets adorable gymnastics pictures with her team. Sam has energy and eats a meal for the first time in almost two weeks. Things are looking up, finally! Mom gets fever that night.

Sunday: Mom has fever and chills, sore throat and morning sickness, but demands that everyone goes to church. We had to get out of the house. Sacrament meeting was good, mom spends the other two hours trying to get a very sad William to stay in nursery. Mom takes a big nap after choir, house gets cleaned for the first time in weeks, we have a yummy dinner and the night ends well. Up 5 times in the night, because Sam's legs are killing him (growing pains).

Today: Kids are well, I am dealing with the nausea better now that I had a night of sleep (yes, compared to the other nights, getting up 5 times is considered good sleep now), and I think we are finally out of the woods. Now would be a good time to have the baby, I am very used to sleep deprivation.

I must say I learned a lot these past 13 days. I won't say that I am grateful for them yet, but I learned a lot about myself, my family, and truly helping those in need.

So, how was your last 13 days?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Big Week

What a week. It is amazing that a week that was already planned to be big, became even bigger. Oh well, it's life I guess.

Ben turned the big 30 on the 27th. We planned to celebrate his Birthday the next day though, and it worked out well, because his actual birthday was spent at doctors offices and at Primary Childrens with Sam.

We spend a good part of that day worried and praying. Our prayers were answered, and we are so grateful that he is going to be ok in time and is home. He has some hearing loss that we are concerned about, but that will be checked out at a future appointment.

We celebrated the next day by giving Ben 30 gifts that he opened throughout the day.

A lot of them were letters from friends and loved ones, and he got some other fun things as well.
We made him a snowman cake (a plea to the snow Gods for Ben) and we went to dinner.

After dinner, it was off to the school Halloween Carnival. The kids had an absolute blast there. I remember going to one each year at my school when I was a kid, and it was a highlight for sure!

It was a day well spent, or at least, I think so. I am sure Ben had a good day.

He did have a weird allergic reaction to honey, right before he came home from work. He came home all swollen and broke out in hives. (no pun intended, hehehe)
It was really crazy and a little scary! We got him pumped full of Benedryl, and he was good to go that evening. So weird.

That night, Sam woke up with a very high fever and a nasty cough. He was up every hour the rest of the night, and has been very sick ever since. We are still battling the fever and his sore throat. Croup is the worst! That poor kid just can't seem to catch a break.

We were supposed to go to an adult only Halloween Party that evening. I had been looking forward to it all week and was so excited. The day turned into a disaster, and with Sam being sick, we just couldn't make it. I was pretty sad, but what do you do.

Halloween turned out to be pretty fun and low key this year. Because of the lack of sleep from being up with Sam, my morning sickness has been raging. I was very sick for Halloween. I normally do a really fun spooky dinner, but this time, we got a pumpkin pizza at Papa Murphey's. It was really nice actually, and may become a tradition.

The kids were beyond excited and took off and go trick or treating as soon as Ben got home. Sam made it down the street, and then was too sick to continue. So, I walked home with he and William, and we finished the night off watching Dragon Tails on the couch. Mary and Ben continued on and had a great time.

I forgot that we live in Utah and that there are a million kids here, and we ran out of candy within 1/2 hour. oops! I felt terrible turning off the light and locking the door, but what else was there to do. Next year I will buy at least 6 bags, instead of two.

Sam got a lot of candy earlier in the day at Walmart of all places. I guess you can trick or treat there. I just happened to go there to get some stuff, and we came home with a bucket full of candy. I am so grateful now, because Sam is happy and feels like he got lots of candy and had a good Halloween. Thank you Walmart.

William woke up sick this morning, and our dishwasher broke. We also had a bunch of lights burn out in our vaulted ceilings, and we thought a water pipe broke last night.

Some other issues also came up this weekend, that were very emotionally draining for me, and still are. I have been put in some awkward situations and have had my integrity questioned a lot.

It has been a pretty rough week around here to say the least. With morning sickness raging, it makes it all seem so much worse. I am glad that we had a Birthday and a holiday, so that the kids can have fun and hopefully not notice my struggles as a parent, spouse, homemaker, neighbor and friend.

Life goes on, and I am hoping for better times ahead. I do have my doctor appointment in two days, and I am getting my hair done on Saturday. (ready for a new look) Hopefully that will help me feel more alive and give me some fresh energy to keep going with.