My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The C Word

Colic. I hate it so much that I can't even say the word outloud. It is a curse.

The baby cried every few minutes for about 15 hours today. Yesterday was the same. He has been fussy since day one, but is progressively getting worse. We don't sleep. I hardly eat. I don't have time. A shower is a luxery. I have slept for three hours in the past 48 hours and I have spent the rest of the time bouncing, feeding, burping and walking a screaming baby. Mary and Sam have basically been left on their own. The guilt I feel for not being able to take care of them is horrible. The baby is just too demanding. My arms, energy and patience are completely exhausted. I have reached limits to my sanity that I never thought possible. I am probably headed to Idaho earlier than planned. A baby with severe colic and two other kids to take care of, is something that needs a whole army to conquer. Mommy can't do it alone, and daddy has to work. Mary and Sam deserve better. Not to mention the fact that we are supposed to be packing and moving in two weeks. Heaven help us...please.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Valtrex... the name of the cold sore medication. A few of you have emailed or commented asking to know what it is. So there you have it! I haven't started taking it yet, but I plan on getting it today. Cross your fingers!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

And So It Remains

I went in to get my under eye mole removed today. I was pretty excited and nervous as well.
The doctor decided that the cut would have to be deep enough to require stitches, and he didn't feel comfortable doing that so close to my eye, so he referred me to a plastic surgeon. He didn't want to make a big scar that would pull my eyelid down and make me look pretty silly. I am glad he was willing to admit that to me. I was dissapointed though.

The mole remains. Oh well, at least Ben thinks it is somehow attractive. I will give the plastic surgeon a call later.

On the up side, he gave me some medication to CURE my cold sores! I get them when I get really stressed or when the weather changes. So, of course, I have one right now. They are so big and nasty, and they stick around forever. I hate them, and I rarely use the word hate. I have had them ever since grade school, and I get about 8-10 of them a year. They have been a plague to me. I am so excited to possibly never have one again. YYYEEESSSS!!!!!

So not all was in vain.

Monday, June 21, 2010

This may sting a little

This lovely mole under my eye used to be a small speck of a freckle. It has since grown and grown and grown.
It gets in the way when I put make up on. It is itchy. It looks terrible in pictures, and basically, I am done with it.
Don't bother looking at all of the other brown blotches on my face. Those are from the pregnancy hormone, and I am happy to say, they are starting to fade. Hooray!
The mole however, is here to stay....or maybe not.

I have had moles removed before, and it really doesn't hurt, but they do have to numb it first. And that does sting.
The idea of having a needle that close to my eye, it very unnerving to me. It has prevented me many times from getting this specific mole removed. Eek!
But alas, I made the appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I had a 9.3lb baby after all, I can get a needle next to my eye for a second...right?
I am pretty freaked out.
Goodbye Mr. Mole.
Hello freaky looking scab for a few weeks.
This may sting a little.

Monday, June 14, 2010


I looked at the calendar last night, and kind of freaked. 4 weeks until the move. Where has time gone! Yikes! It kind of put me into a "get it done" mode. Hence, a lot of blog posts coming fast, because I won't have much time for blogging this next month. I am trying to catch up now.
With the new baby, packing, cleaning, collecting boxes, swimming lessons, weddings, reunions, ect., there is just so much to get done in a short amount of time. There is a lot to do, but when you throw an infant into the picture, the lack of sleep, and all of the demands that brings, it can get really nuts. I am trying to stay calm though, and take things one step at a time. Easier said than done, but I am trying. Thank goodness for mothers. Jolene (Ben's mom) is here now and she is saving our bacon!

Now for the post.

I am so dang emotional right now when the topic of friends comes up. Blame it on the postpartum hormones, but reality is, the clock is ticking. We move a month from today. I truly can't even let myself go there. The goodbyes, the memories, the things I will miss, ect. Living here in the Springs, I have had the best friends I have ever had since I have been married. We have all been through so much together. They are my family, my girls, my support, my comic relief, my go to's, my shoulders to cry on, my happy times, my tender mercies. They have truly been the hands of God in my life. It is too much for me to think too hard about it. So for now, I will just post pictures in order to stop myself from becoming a blubbering, crying, snotting mess. That will all come soon enough.

This picture was taken on Saturday. We were celebrating a lot of June Birthdays, two baby births, and saying some goodbyes for three of us that will be moving soon. I love these girls so much. It was a wonderful get-away and it was perfect timing. It is always so much fun hangin' with the girls. Thanks gals!

My mom got some great pictures while she was here. And I just have to post them. Some of William, some of Mary and Sam, and some of us. Mary and Sam are the best of buddies and some of the pictures show that. Yesterday they played with each other for almost 5 solid hours. It was awesome. It is so fun to sit and watch them hang out together. I am so glad they love eachother so much. William will join the mix soon.

William was born with a "skin tag." I had never heard of it before. It is basically a piece of skin that grew by his ear. It is nothing to worry about or anything. I actually thought it was pretty cute, but I am sure Will wouldn't appreciate it later on in life.
The doctor said that when William was circumcised, he would take care of the skin tag as well. Fun day for Will.
They basically tied a piece of string around it, as tight as they could, and now we wait for it to fall off. It turned red, then white (as seen in picture) and now it is black.

It doesn't seem to hurt Will at all. The doc said the nerve's would be blocked off, so he wouldn't feel it, and I guess he was right. It sure looks sore though. I felt horrible for poor William, skin tag and circumcision all at once. We went to the office next door and plugged our ears while they were doing it all. I bit my tongue trying not to cry at the thought of what was going on in that room. All is well though, and he was done crying by the time we got home.
So this week, we wait for things to fall off. His umbilical cord (which came off today!), his skin tag, and his little circ. ring. Then he can get a real bath! Hooray!!!!

"The Good Neighbors"
Last, but not least, the Fortin's a.k.a. The good neighbors. We have been very blessed to continue to see them every once in a while since they moved, but it is still not the same as having them right next door. We feel so empty when we look over the fence at their empty house. ugh They have been the best of friends and our friendship with them is one that will be forever. We just know it. We don't plan on miles or distance hurting our friendship.
We took these pictures on our last day with them. I LOVE these pictures. They tell it exactly like it is. Mike and Ben laughing their heads off. Mary and Tyler holding hands (headed to California to get married) and Sam joining in the fun. Oh the memories...good times. I am so grateful for them.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Formula Saga

As many of you know..if you have followed the blog or talked to me about it, I am not really able to nurse. I can, kind of nurse, but it is a very ugly ordeal, and not one that should be repeated. I won't go into all of the nasty and long details, but believe me, if I could nurse, I would. I am not against it, I just can't do it and have had to accept it and overcome a LOT of guilt and nasty comments from doctors and people. The doctors and nurses here in Colorado Springs have been wonderful about it. They have been very supportive and kind. It has made a big difference for me.

Formula is a gift, really. It is a wonderful invention and a great thing. Think of all of the adoptive parents, women who have had mastectomy's, or people with other issues, like me, who depend so much on it. It is a great tool.

But dang, it can be a monster to figure out what works for your baby. In our case, it has been a 9 day ordeal.

Lets start from the beginning.

In the hospital, I noticed that William was spitting up quite a bit after every feeding. It gradually got worse during our stay there. I kept asking the nurses about it, but they assured me it was o.k. I felt otherwise, but hoped they were right. In the hospital, he was given Enfamil. A formula that neither Mary or Sam was able to take, but I had hope for William.

We brought Will home on Sunday. Sunday night was the 7 hour crying or should I say screaming session that I mentioned in the last post. It was horrible, and it clued us in to what could be wrong.

That very night, we pulled out a formula I had bought in advance, that Mary and Sam had when they were babies. It didn't really help.

I even tried to nurse William. I pretty much knew it wouldn't work, but I was so desperate, we were willing to do anything. It didn't work.

The next morning, a friend called to see how things were going. I vented my frustrations from the night before, and she mentioned that she had so much frozen breast milk in her freezer that she didn't know what to do with it all. She offered to let us try it on Will and see if it would help.

So, I sent Ben over to get the breast milk. We fed Will with it for the next two feedings. He liked it, but it still didn't settle well in his stomach. I wanted to scream.

I called the doctor later that day, she diagnosed him on the spot, and we put him on a special Amino Acid protein breakdown, milk based, yadda yadda yadda formula. Basically a very expensive and specialized formula for babies who can't break down protein.

This formula was a miracle worker!! William didn't spit up, he didn't cry, he was happy. All was well.

And then he stopped pooping. Literally. No poop for the next three days. Not good. In fact, that is terrible for an infant. Especially on that was not even a week old yet.
So, it was back to the doctor. They told us to use a baby laxative to clear him out, and they put him on a different formula. This one was Enfimil Gentelease. This has "partially" broken down protein, but helps with constipation. This was supposed to be the next step for William after he has been on the AA formula for 3-6 months. I was surprised that the doc said to try it now.

We started this new formula and gave him the laxatives. He ended up needed 4 of them over a 24 hour period to even begin to un-clog him. It was an absolute nightmare and he hated it, so did I. Two of them were in the early morning hours with pee and poop flying all over the place.

Finally, yesterday morning, I felt like he was all cleared out, then boom. He started vomiting the formula after every feeding. Then he started crying. Then last night, it was back to the screaming his head off after each feeding. The formula was hurting him. Dang.

So, it was back to the Amino Acid constipating miracle protein formula. He immediately calmed down after we gave it to him.

Knowing full well that this is the ONLY formula he can have right now, and knowing the terrible side effects, we did the last option we had. We put a small amount of Karo syrup in the bottle. The doctor suggested this in case the other formula didn't work, which it didn't.

We gave this to William right before bed.

It works! We finally have it figured out! He poops, he eats, his tummy is happy, and best of all, he fell asleep after each feeding last night with no problem at all. Ne barfing all over, no screaming, no grunting, nothing. Just wonderful sleep. Mom and dad are rested and oh so happy. Once big perk of bottle feeding, is that Ben can help. I don't know how much of a perk it is to him, but for me, it is great.

So now I guess I would have to say I have a love hate relationship with formula. But, once it is all figured out, it is a wonderful thing.

This is what our pantry looks like after 9 days of trying to figure out what to do. Thank goodness, almost all of them are samples from the doctor or the mail.

And the winner is....

p.s. Somehow, through it all, William was back up to his birth weight by his one week appointment! We were all thrilled. I love looking at that 9.3 on the scale, and the adorable, naked, fuzzy, chubby, rolly, baby that is sitting on it.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Week One

I can't believe it has already been a week since Will was born. Actually, a little more than a week.
It has been a week full of love and cuddles. It has also had its trials of course.
All of the normal things that come with having a baby. The joy of having our adorable little, well, big baby boy here is still so new and exciting. We are very, very happy. He has completely taken over our hearts.

My mom came on Sunday, just hours after Will and I got home from the hospital. Perfect timing.
She was a LIFESAVER!!! She just left Thursday night, and I already miss her so much. There is always such a great feeling in the home when your mom is in it.

She took turns at night feeding William. She took Mary and Sam all over the place and helped them stay entertained and happy. They went to McDonald's, the park, the toys at the mall, on walks, to Build a Bear (where they got their first ever Zhu Zhu pets..which they love), and everything in between. Grandma is amazing! For whatever reason, Mary started calling her "Gram." It was hilarious. We aren't sure where she got it, but it stuck. My parents are officially known as "Bop" and "Gram" thanks to Mary. Love it.

She gave William lots and lots of snuggles.

She gave me support, confidence and love.

My mom makes a blessing blanket for each grandchild. They are always beautiful and stitched with love. She finished Williams while she was here. I can't wait to wrap him in it while his father gives him a name and a blessing. I love these blankets and have them all in a very special place. They will be keepsakes forever.

She left our home happy, comfortable and full of grandmas love. I had a nice good cry when she left. She just left such a good feeling in our home, I miss her a ton already.

I sure love my mom.

On night 1, Ben and I were in for a shock. William hadn't really cried at all up to that point, and then at 10:30pm he began crying. He cried non-stop..literally, for the next 7 hours. Nothing we could do would comfort him. We tried everything. I even tried to nurse him. I knew I wouldn't be able to, but I tried. It didn't work. Needless to say, Ben and I were at the breaking point after seven solid hours of him sobbing, and it was only the first night. We were a mess and William was exhausted. My heart was broken for the little guy. I ended up crying and I lost all hope very quickly.

After a blessing for William and one for me, we called his amazing pediatrician, who also happens to be the wife of the Dr. that did Ben's kidney surgery...Dr. Bong. We totally lucked out with her. She only works Monday and Friday. We had the baby on Friday, so she was there at that time, and we needed her on Monday, the only other day she was in. We told her what was happening, and she was able to diagnose William immediately. It was a huge blessing and answer to our prayers. The formula saga has continued, and actually will be getting post of its own, but I am happy to say, I think we may have it all figured out. Cross your fingers.

William has the same thing Mary had as an infant. It took the doctors 9 months to find it in Mary. Mary suffered a lot because of it, and I still feel so bad. Because of our experience with her, we were able to catch it much earlier this time. William was doing the same cry Mary did, as well as the same motions with his arms and legs.

William was born with a part of his stomach that wasn't fully formed yet. It is the part the digests protein. He will grow out of it in a while, but for now, he cannot digest anything but a specific formula. I called the doctor just before the office closed, and I was able to get there and pick up the formula right as the doors were being locked.

We put him on the formula right away, and he has been wonderful ever since. FEW!!!

He is an adorable baby and we all love to hold and cuddle him. He eats every two hours, just like the other kids did. He has one long stretch of 4 hours in the afternoon, and I make sure to nap with him at this time.

He seems to be very mellow and content. He likes to listen to Mary and Sam play.

Mary LOVES to hold him and is always asking to do so. She is a great big sister.

Sam likes to touch his head and watch him. Sam moves so fast, I am having a hard time getting pictures of him with the baby. I will keep trying though.

We are all in love with our little spirit fresh from heaven. He has brought a very special and sacred feeling into our home. We love to just stare at his chubby face. It is one of peace and love. We are basking in it.

I am recovering really well. I thought I would die from engorgement for a few days, but that ended quickly, thank goodness, and life has gone on. I am trying to ignore the nasty baby bump that keeps me looking 6 months pregnant, but at least I know it is only temporary. I am still low on energy and need a lot of time to rest, but overall, this has been a great recovery. Everything has gone smoothly and well. From past experience, I have learned that this is nothing to be taken for granted. I am very grateful. I have no complaints.

This is a random picture, but I forgot to post it in the last post. It doesn't really look like Dr. Weary, but it is the only picture we were able to get. He has been an amazing doctor, truly. He almost feels like an old family friend. I am so incredibly grateful for him, and that he could be there to deliver William. I plan on getting a better picture at my 6 week check up.

Mary and Sam are adjusting pretty well. They struggled the first few days with all of the babysitters and with the changes going on. They rebounded so fast though, and they are already doing fine. Having a baby in the home proves to me that they are growing up. I just want to freeze them the way they are and keep them here in our home with me forever. They keep us going and they remind me that life is fun and full of excitement. They are so precious to me.

I worried that I would not have enough love to go around for three kids. But once Will was born, I just had more love. I love all of my kids so much. I don't love anyone any less, I just added one more to love instead. My family is so precious to me.

Ben has been awesome! Even though he is working, he is doing a feeding at night. Sleep deprivation is no fun for anyone, so I am very grateful for this sacrifice from Ben. It is so cute to see him come home and play with all three kids. The love in his eyes is so special. He is a great daddy and an amazing husband. He takes awesome care of me.

I am so blessed.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


On June 4th, 2009 I sat in the hospital bed with tears streaming down my face. I was in recovery after an emergency D&C. I had lost over 35% of my blood that morning. I had been taken by ambulance to the hospital and soon after taken into surgery. Ben was by my side and we were silently soaking in the events of that terrible day. Our hearts were shattered.

And there it was again. The lullaby. Every time a baby was born, it would play over the speaker. Every time, I would hold my empty stomach, that just that morning had held my 16 week old baby, and cry. My heart was torn. I was numb. I was empty.
It was my Birthday.

At 7:30am on Friday, June 4th 2010, I stepped off the elevator. It was the same hospital, same floor, and I was going to meet the same doctor, exactly one year the day. I had been having contractions for the past 24 hours, and the doctor had decided that if the baby hadn't come by that night, that he would help me out that morning with some pitocin. The baby didn't come that night, and I was in a lot of pain and exhausted. So there I was.

When I got all hooked up, I was already at a 3.5 and 70% effaced. They started the pitocin at 8:30am, and broke my water at 9:30. For whatever reason, Dr. Weary said my water was very stubborn. ha! By 11:00am I was at a 5! Things were progressing quickly and well. Then the contractions hit hard and furious. Because of the help from the pitocin, the contractions were 2 min. apart and I was only getting less than 30 sec. to try to calm down before the next one hit. They administered some great meds. into the I.V. and I held out for another 2 hours. I was in a ton of pain, but I was managing, with the help of a loving husband. By 12:30, I was beginning to shake all over and gasp for air. I just wasn't getting enough recovery time between contractions. So I got an epidural. The guy put it in in record time and he did a great job. It was WONDERFUL!!! Once it was in, I collapsed down on the bed and literally fell asleep. I actually slept while in labor. Crazy! At 3:00, I was awake and very ready to push, but the doc. was in an emergency surgery, and told the nurse to tell me to wait. I pumped up the epidural until I couldn't feel the urge so strongly, and waited. Thank goodness for the epidural. I would have been VERY sad to miss Dr. Weary.

At 3:45 the doctor came walking in. I pushed for less than ten minutes. At 3:58pm, William Wright Maynard was born. The first thing out of Dr. Weary's mouth was, "that is a big boy!" I glanced up and saw him hand off a Roley poly baby to the nurse. I couldn't help but grin. I watched the tears stream down Ben's face. Such a proud and loving daddy. My heart was so full of love for both of my boys in that room. Ben cut the cord and watched as the nurse did all of the baby stuff with William. I was exhausted but so anxious to hold my precious gift. We all watched with anticipation when they placed William on the scale. Everyone cracked up when it showed a whopping 9.3lbs. 20 1/2 inches. He had a head of blonde hair, and an adorable fat kissy face. Perfect in every way.

Finally, they placed him in my arms. Ben and I just stared at our beautiful baby. I thought my heart would explode with the love I had for this baby.
It was June 4th, and as I glanced up for a moment, I saw the beautiful dozen red roses Ben had brought to the hospital for me.
It was my Birthday.
I immediately thought what an amazing day it had turned out to be. I thought of how incredible the timing was. How special it was. How blessed we were. How much the Lord had blessed our lives and healed our hearts.

With so much love and gratitude in my heart, I was overwhelmed. At that moment, Ben looked at me with tear filled eyes, and said, "listen."
And there it was, playing on the speaker. The lullaby.
Our lullaby.
Ben and I let the tears flow.

Don't mind the chubby, fluid filled face of mine. Just look at my hot husband and adorable baby.

Mary loves to hold him, and is so excited. She is a great helper.

In EVERY ultrasound, he was sucking on his hand like this. He still does it. I think it is way too cute.

Sam surprised me with his excitement about the baby. He asked if he could "pet" him, and is really interested in everything. He is gentle with him, and likes to help feed him.

See the sign that says LGA. That means "large," as in large baby. Love it.

Right after he was born. I was so happy! Again...just look at the baby. Obviously, I had just been through labor, and my makeup was long gone.


My THREE kids. I love this picture.

There just aren't words for this picture.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Ready or Not


Cut me some slack. This picture was taken today,(June 3rd) after a full day of contractions, a Dr. appointment, and 45 minutes at the gym (to try to keep things moving along). If I look exhausted and a little looney, it is because I am.

Or not:

Contractions started this morning at 9:00am. Every five minutes for four solid hours. Very intense contractions. This is the 4th time this has happened in 2 1/2 weeks. Today was the most intense and painful by far though. Today, it has been true labor.

Or not:
Contractions started dying down today by around 2:00pm. I almost cried. They have not totally stopped though. In fact, I just had one. hooray for me

Went to doc. appointment where he announced that I am at a 3.5 and 70% effaced. He said I was ready to go and that if baby doesn't come tonight, he will help with pitocin tomorrow morning at 7:30am

Or not:
I REALLY wanted to have baby on my own without pitocin, but I am SICK of these contractions, not to mention I am completely exhausted and I haven't even been to the hospital yet. The night is still young and he could still easily come if these contractions (coming every 25 min.) pick up again, but at the same time, sleep sounds wonderful.

The bag is packed. The kids are all lined up with sitters. The car seat is ready to go. I painted my toenails. I am having all sorts of contractions and pain that I am very ready to be done with. House is clean. Family is notified. Moms both have plane tickets.

Or not:
The memory card to the video camera is full, so Ben gets to go to Walmart tomorrow morning (early) and get a new one. We don't have time to download everything on the computer. We planned on doing that this weekend. oops

Speaking of Ben:
Ben has been amazing these past few days. He hasn't complained about my grumpies, or having to miss work for false labor, or having to entertain kids while I lie on the bed in complete exhaustion from hours of contractions. He has been nothing but loving and supportive. He even set up all of the babysitting! What a man. I am a VERY lucky girl. Love you Ben!

Ready to be done being tired, fat, uncomfortable, anxious and hot

Or not:
Too bad I will still be all of the above once all is said and done. Crap.

The bottle warmer is all set up. Bottles are ready to go. Night time feeding areas are ready to go. (for various reasons, I am not able to nurse...don't judge me please)

Or not:
I am not fond of waking up every 2.5 hours to feed the baby. Some mothers love this bonding time, I struggle with it. Sleep deprivation does not do anything good for me. I bond better when I am awake and holding and smooching on my precious child during the day.

I can't wait to see Mary and Sam with their new baby brother. They are so excited.

Or not:
Three kids! Holy Moly!

to see my baby
to have such a neat experience with my wonderful and loving husband
Cranberry Juice at my request
Nubane..LOVE IT!
The experience of giving birth
The first cry
Dr. Weary will be there!
to see Ben hold his newborn son, there isn't much that touches me more.

Or not:
I.V.- I would rather break my fingers
Hospital Food
Hospital Gown (or should I say "bum in the wind")
Being "checked" every 1/2 hour
afterbirth contractions
afterbirth everything
and, oh yeah...I.V.


Or not:

To have such a special gift on such a meaningful day. I find it as absolutely no coincidence that this is all coming down on June 4th. Last year at this very time I was having contractions for another reason. I had lost my baby and it was leaving my body. I spent my Birthday in the hospital, with the same doctor, but under very horrible circumstances. Everything that could have gone wrong did, and I spent most of the day unconscious, scared or sad.
This year, I will again be in the hospital on my Birthday, but what a celebration it will be! I never in my wildest dreams, last year at this time, would have thought this would be happening exactly one year later. It was not planned, we did not try for it, and it was such a special suprise when the due date was announced to be June 4th. We couldn't believe it! We have known all along that this was no fluke. We knew that the odds would be slim that the baby would actually come on June 4th, but here we are. I am pretty much in labor, and the doc. has decided to keep it going tomorrow, if the baby doesn't come sooner. The timing has been amazing. It has been a very special and humbling gift from our Heavenly Father. My heart is very full.

So, ready or not, here we go.