My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Almost four months ago, my full and happy heart was torn. My baby was taken from me too early (16 weeks along), and left a hole in my heart. Because of serious complications and an emergency D&C, I was not able to learn of the gender or see my baby. It was and has been, a rough time for us.
At first, the hole was ripping me apart. It was there, always reminding me that a piece of me and our family was missing....gone. I just felt so incomplete. As time has gone on, I have learned to live with it, or actually just not notice it as much.

I think one way the Lord allows us to heal after something like this, is by filling that hole with love, hope, tender mercies, and the gift of true friends who help
carry the hurt and lighten the load. At least until it is healed enough to be handled alone. These are all temporary fixes, but I was blessed to have them until I was able to handle the feeling on my own, and pretty soon, learn to live with how empty I felt. It just became a part of me.

I have found happiness again, and I have found joy. There are a lot more good days than bad, but nevertheless, there is a hole, always the hole. I had started to wonder if I would ever feel complete again, or would this hole just hang out forever.

Recently, while at a church meeting, I all of the sudden felt a tingling warm sensation of being complete. I searched around for the hole in my heart that always seems to ruin these moments. I waited for it to consume me, and I started thinking of an excuse to get up and leave so I could work through it privately. It never happened, the hole wasn't there. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I hadn't felt this complete and warm in months! I was clinging on to the feeling for dear life, knowing full well, that when the hole made itself known, it was going to be bad this time. Really bad. But, it never came. I was in shock.

There is only one thing that I knew could heal me this completely, and I was too scared for it not to be true. I could not handle it not to be true. Soon after I got home, I had a feeling to "take the test." Knowing what a negative would do to me, and has done to me, I decided against it. Why go through the agony and the days of pain afterwards. But the feeling never left after a while, I obeyed.

Moments later, I sat there on the bathroom floor, crying tears of joy, holding a positive pregnancy test, and soaking in the feeling of being complete. The feeling I haven't felt in so long...too long. It was actually real. It was truly, honestly, actually, and completely real. Every fiber of my being knew it, but my mind just couldn't grasp it. I quickly snapped a picture of the two blue lines and sent it to Ben's phone. Good thing he didn't drive off the road. ;)

It didn't take long before it came, the all-consuming fear. I took three other tests in the next three days to force myself to believe that the baby was really there, and still alive. All three were positive, and even sharper and clearer than the previous one. This was REAL!

I am pregnant once more. I am complete again. I am whole! And I can't stop smiling...or crying (dang hormones).

Am I scared out of my mind and am I a paranoid mess?...yes.
Do I freak out over every little twinge or cramp?..yes.
Do I almost have a panic attack every time I go to the bathroom...oh yeah!
Am I terrified for all of the appointments where they will check for the have no idea.
Will my first appointment be full of questions, more questions, double checking, triple checking, and lots of bet. It isn't every day you are pregnant less than 4 months after losing 1/3 of your blood, less than 4 months after losing your baby in the second trimester,less than 2 months after being diagnosed with mono., and less than a week of having a horrible cold with a high fever (which is not good for pregnancy).
Paranoid...oh yeah.
Poor Doctor Weary. He is a good sport, and he understands more than most. After all, he was there. He knows.
Am I crazy for announcing this so early?...yes and no. I had planned on not telling anyone for a while, but then I realized something. The one thing that carried me through this summer, was the support of my friends and family and of course the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. How can people help you unless they know what is going on.
Of course, I know I could just as easily lose this baby, so why the heck wouldn't I tell anyone I am pregnant. The fear of losing this baby, should only make me want people to know I am pregnant, so if I need it, I will have support and I won't be suffering alone. If I have learned anything from this summer, I have learned that people can't help you with what they don't know. Not to mention... I just want to spread the happiness! My joy is overflowing! I am going nuts keeping it to myself.

So, to sum it all up...yes, when my mind gets carried away, aside from major excitement, happiness, and overwhelming feelings of gratitude, I can easily get full of paranoia, fear, and anxiety.


I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I know who I am.
I know God's plan.
and, no matter what, I will follow it in Faith.

The Lord will carry me, come what may.

I know the Plan of Salvation, and I know that my family is forever and eternal.There is no "death do us part."

I have felt the comforting arms of my Savior wrapped around me, and I know He is real and that He loves me.

He knows my child and he will take care of everything.

No matter how much I worry and fret, I am not the one in charge. The one who is in charge knows best, and that gives me hope. I will only be given what will make me stronger.

He knows my fears and He is aware. He has spoken peace to my soul.

He will never leave my side.

I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who has walked the road right by my side. He has given me blessings of peace and hope. He is my eternal companion, and together, with the help of the Lord, we will make our family complete and whole.

Having a child; a whole, complete, pure child, is a miracle. A 100% miracle. I know that now more than ever.

Miracles have not ceased, and I could never deny that, not as long as I live. I have seen to much. I have faith, that this new miracle of mine is in the Lord's hands.

And the miracles in my life have not ceased.
I am due June 4th.
My Birthday.

Stay with me, my angel.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Lately, I have really been trying to think of more things to do with the kids. The past few months have been survival mode, and I have been soooo tired. The poor kids took the brunt of it and watched WAY too much T.V. There was truly nothing I could do about it. My goal was to stay awake and keep the house from burning to the ground.

So, now that I am getting more energy back (WAHOO!!!) I am trying to find things to do. I have discovered that Mary absolutely loves crafts. This week we painted ponies, stamped up a storm, did make-overs, finger painted and painted our nails.
It is amazing what happens with some one-on-one time. She has so much fun and seems happier.

Same thing goes for Sam. I have learned all sorts of ways to play cars, trucks and trains this week. He soaks every second of it in.

Today, after church, Ben was gone for about an hour and I became a basketball hoop, a pony and a bounce house. By the time he got home, I was dead, but the kids were happy. I hope they don't think this will be an every day occurrence. I am just making up for lost time.

Now I am out of ideas! Yeah, I know, not so creative, am I. Any suggestions from anyone for this week? What do you moms do with your kids during down time? Any good craft ideas for kids? What about little boys? Any good museums around ones? I am up for any and all suggestions.

Of course, I am not the energizer bunny, and the DVD player will still get good use (though not as much if I can help it), but for now, I am just happy to have some energy back, and I think my kids are too. I missed them.

Mary made this tonight out of the cards from here memory game. It is a picture of herself. It was so cute, so I had to take a picture. Can you see the arms, legs, and head? What a crack up!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Small Moments

Recently, I have been a little worried about Mary and Sam.
I have been wondering if they are really happy.
They have been fighting more than normal, and there has also been a lot more whining.
I have been wondering what I am doing wrong.
Do I not play with them enough? I try to, but I am not good at thinking of things to do with them.
Do they have enough attention?
Are they sick?
Are they sick of me being so tired?
Can they tune in to the days I am sad?
I am not being a good example to them?
Do we need to play at the park more? Should I play with them all the time when they are home? How much time should I have them just play on their own?
Do they need more discipline?
Do they need less discipline?
Do they need a different kind of discipline?

And on and on and on. It is probably the typical worries of every mother out there, but I really wonder what more I could be doing.

Today, Mary is playing at a friends house, so it is just me and Sam. I was just feeling guilty for checking my email instead of playing cars with Sam, when he came running up to me. He gave me a big hug and said, "I am happy mom."

Enough said.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

1.5% Milk

So, a few weeks ago a guy showed up at our door offering to let us sample some milk. We are major milk lovers in our home, so we said "why not." We instantly fell in love.

The milk is very natural and incredibly fresh, and it is milked within 48 hours of delivery. Yup, you heard that right, delivery.

One thing that drives me nuts is carrying the milk into the house after buying it. I think it stems from the California days when I had Mary, Sam in a carseat, and all of the groceries to carry up three long flights of stairs, through three heavy doors (I would have to put everything down, open the door, prop it open with my foot, get the groceries through, pick everything up again and then let the door slam behind me) and down two hallways.

I would strap as many grocery bags as I could onto my arms, pick up Sam in the carseat, tell Mary to follow, lock the car (this is California, and I had my wallet stolen from that same parking lot in a split second) and then march up stair after stair after stair, go through all of the doors, and down two creepy hallways. It was horrible, and carrying the milk up the stairs was always the hardest part.

I would get to the door, drop everything, except for Sam, scramble to find the car keys, unlock the door, bring the groceries in, get the kids in a safe spot, lock them in the appartment, sprint down the stairs, unlock the car, grab another load of groceries, lock the car, hurry up the stairs worrying about the kids, unlock the door, throw the groceries down and lock the door.

I usually had to make a few trips, and at least once every trip a bag would break and everything would fall down the stairs. Boo!

I remember a specific time that I was marching up the stairs and on each step I would think about how wonderful it would be when we had a home, and a garage so I could drive right up to the door. I vowed that I would never take it for granted. And I don't. I think about it every time I bring groceries into the house, and I smile that I am so spoiled now.

So, now we have milk DELIVERED right to our doorstep every Friday morning. Mary loves to bring it in, so I don't even have to make the tiny trip from the door to the fridge. My, how times have changed for me. I LOVE IT! I used to be a milk delivery person, so I understand the sacrifice. My hours were 3:30am-7:00am. I think our milk person has the same hours. That person is a saint!

The best part of all is that the milk is 1.5%. Not too watery, but not too thick. It is cool, creamy, smooth, healthy, fresh, perfection.

Royal Crest 1.5% does a body good.

Monday, September 21, 2009

love, Love, LOVE IT!!!

The past few days have been a little bit of a "woe is me day." Not full blown down in the dumps or anything, I have been just a little heavy in my heart. I think it is just the upcoming due date and of course, major baby mode happening all around me. 7 friends and several family members. Of course, I am happy for all if my beautiful pregnant friends and family members, and I love watching them be happy, it is just rough at times.

I am dealing with things in chunks. So much happened so quickly, and I didn't completely have the physical ability to deal with it all right away, therefore, I am finding that things come in chunks. I am healing up in some ways, and in other ways, I am still kind of raw. For example, it really sunk in today that I lost the baby on my Birthday! I finally grasped how crazy and almost unfair that was. It literally brought me to tears. I just haven't really let that part sink in yet. I have written about it, and talked about it, but I am good at telling things and writing things while not totally feeling them. Kind of silly huh. Is was just one of many Birthdays. I guess it just finally hit me, and it made me feel bad. Probably pretty immature. But at least, I finally let it sink in and dealt with it. One less thing to creep up later and bite me in the bum. Birthday...done.

Yesterday, I was missing my baby and was feeling like I was missing out on the excitement of having a big belly, feeling the baby move, having a baby shower, having Dr. appts. closer together, and getting excited for the due date that is actually coming up here pretty quickly. I was focusing on the "what could have been," and feeling really empty and alone. It kind of hit me lately that I won't be joining in all the baby celebration going on around me. I guess it is hard, because I was pregnant, and I would have been right where everyone else is right now. Kind of feels like the lone ranger, ya know. I kind of forgot to expect that and prepare for it, so I get to deal with it now. Another chunk. I am trying to plan something to do on Nov. 15th (the due date), it might be a little rough. I want to be prepared for that one. So, obviously, I have had a little bit if a heavy heart lately. Nothing horrible or life altering, just a hard moment here and there.

And then...this happened!

The fuzzy slippers came out.

The warm blankets came out.

The warm, yummy, heart-warming pumpkin bread with cream cheese frosting was made.

The house was scrubbed spotless and the Fall Decorations came out of the boxes. The house is totally decked out in "all things Fall" and the apple cinnamon smells are in place. The house is warm, cute and cozy.

The snow came!

And life suddenly got all better again.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Who, What, Where, When, Why, How??????

You know the saying, "the older I get, the smarter I was." That seems to be ringing true for me lately. The more questions my kids ask, the dumber I feel. And belive me, it has been NON STOP questions. This has been going on for about two weeks now, and I don't see it letting up any time soon. Mary is in this phase of needing to know everything. I try to hard not to get really annoyed and say "BECAUSE," but geeze, she can ask some hard ones.

For example, here is our conversation in the car on the way to the gym. I no longer get to listen to the radio, I gave up. It seems like the car is the place that gets Mary's mind churning, and the questions spill out of her so fast, there isn't a chance to do anything else.

Mary: What kind of rock is this?
Me: It is a lava rock.

Mary: What is lava?
Me: When a volcano errupts, the fire that comes out of it is called lava.

Mary: What does errupts mean?
Me: It means it shoots out of the volcano.

Mary: Well, that doesn't explain my rock mom.
Me: When the lava dries, it turnes into rock, like the one you have.

Mary: So, are there volcanoes around here.
Me: uuuhhhh

Mary: Is that what killed the dinosaurs?
Me: hhhmmm, well....

Mary: Are there dinosaur bones here?
Me: I think so.

Mary: Why are they under the ground? Didn't the dinosaurs live on top of the ground?
Me: The dinosaurs die on top of the ground, but after a lot of rain and mud and stuff, they get buried.

Mary: Where does the dinosaurs skin go?
Me: uuuhhh, well...

Mary: How do we know where to find the dinosaur bones?
Me: uuuhhhh

Mary: Oh, I know. They have these things that look like vacuums with screams (screens) on them. They tell where the bones are, right?
Me: Sure.

At this point, she is quietly looking at her rock, I immediately turn on the radio to listen to a great song.

Mary: Hey mom, why is that lamp not working?
Me: (turning off the radio..dang) What lamp?

Mary: That one on the side of the road. All of the other ones work, why doesn't that one?
Me: The lightbulb must have burned out.

Mary: How do you fix it?
Me: uuuhhh

Mary: Is it a big lightbulb?
Me: I'm sure it is.

Mary: So, how do they fix it?
Me: They drive a truck up to it and then pull the ladder out. They climb up the ladder and change the lightbulb.

Mary: Won't they get hit by cars?
Me: No, they have lights so we can see them.

Mary: Why are there lamps all along the road?
Me: So we can see the road at night.

Mary: But I thought we had lights on the car to see the road with.
Me: Well, the lamps give us more light.


We finally get to the gym.

Mary: Mom, why do you go on the treadmill?

and on and on and on and on.

This happens ALL day long. It is crazy.
Sam has joined in as well, but he is totally into body stuff right now. He wants to know about poop and the toilet and names of body parts. Between the two of them, I am feeling dumber as the days go on. Seriously, it is amazing how much I don't know.

I guess I should enjoy this phase where my kids think I know everything and that Ben is Superman. It won't last forever. Soon they will realize how dumb we really are. And then of course, they get married and have kids, and we become brilliant all over again!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

We Did It!

Ben and I decided a few weeks ago that we really wanted to hike Pikes Peak again this year. Taking his knee injury and my mono into account, we decided that we were both well enough on the mend and we got everything ready to go. Ben's knee held out wonderfuly, no pain, and my mono was just the same as it always is, annoying, but do-able.

Man are we glad we did it! It was awesome! We did it faster than we did last year, so we were pretty pumped. We only sat down to rest three times during the entire 13 mile trek ( gaining 7300ft in that distance) up the mountain. We are pretty proud of ourselves. We just kept on trekking and got in a groove.

It was VERY cold this time, but we saw it coming and prepared well, so we were fine. On top, it was 25 degrees when we got there. The fog rolling in and out made for some really cool scenery. It snowed about an hour after we summited. We made it up just in time.

We even tried the famous Pikes Peak doughnuts. The elevation is so high up there, that there is only one recipe that works for doughnuts. They were o.k., but kind of weird. It was fun to try them though.

The road was closed to to bad weather at one point during the hike, and we were pretty worried about not finding a ride home. I guess we could have hiked down, but the storm didn't look very inviting. The road was opened back up by the time we finished and we found this great couple to give us a lift down. Cowboy Stan and his wife..can't remember her name. They were pretty classic. We seem to find some fun folks to get rides with down the peak.

Here are some pictures of the ride home.

We came home to happy kids, warm showers, and chowed some homemade pizza. It was a great day!

We are pretty sore today, but we are researching and planning on hiking another 14er here in the next few weeks. Wish us luck!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Locked Out, Checked Out, Put Out

How to successfully get yourself into a big pickle.

First. Shut and lock all windows in the house. Tug on them to make sure all is secure.

Second. Make sure all doors are locked nice and tight.

Third. Grab the wrong set of keys (the ones without a house key on them) and take a nice fun walk with the kids. Make sure to make the walk long, so they will be starving, hot and worn out when you get home.

Fourth. Go get the mail, because at least you have THAT key on you.

Fifth. Walk up to the front door and pull out the key chain.

Sixth. Stare at the keychain in horror as you realize you don't have the house key. Then proceed to try to unlock the door with all of the other keys on the keychain, just because. Say "Rats!" as loud as you can.

Seventh. Close your eyes and force yourself to walk around the house through the lawn that had a snake in it a few days ago. Walk around the house and try to open all windows and doors in vain. Say "aarrrggghh" as loud as you can.

Eighth. Listen as kids begin to cry that they are hungry, tired, hot and thirsty. Notice that you feel the same. Look at neighbors homes and notice no one is home.

Ninth. Call your husband even though you know this is the one day he will be in Denver all day training. Call doesn't work, try texting.

Tenth. Call a locksmith who will not give you a price, so you hang up on him.

Eleventh. Your husband calls you and says to hang on while he tries to find a way to get home.

12th. Unlock the one car that doesn't have a garage opener in it, and let the kids play in it. Find a garage door opener in it and get really excited. Then get sad again as you realize it is the garage door opener to your parents home in Pocatello, Idaho. Wonder why the heck that is in the car. Sit on the porch and pout for a while. Wait for the husband to call back for the next 25 minutes.

13th. Listen to kids get really tired, really hot, really thirsty and really hungry. Mary has to pee. Take Mary to the backyard, tell her she is camping and have her pee in a bush. Nasty! Call husband. No answer. Call the locksmith. There will be no waiting for an hour for the husband to get home, if he can even come home.

14th. Husband calls and tells you to call the locksmith. Already done. Locksmith is on his way.

15th. 30min later a minivan pulls up. Watch as tall guy smelling like smoke walks up to you. Notice that his hair is in a bun! What? Who does that? Then again, I have a mullet.

16th. Notice the guy look you up and down. Tell the guy that your husband is on his way any second and that the neighbors are on their way over as well. Good one. Pick up the kids and walk to the front door.

17th. Watch as they guy opens your door in 10 seconds and then looks in the house. Force a smile as the guy tells you your house "smells good." ????? You don't buy it.

18th. Take the paper the man hands you. $125!!!! Almost choke. Get really mad. Turn around to hand the guy your credit card and notice that his camera phone is facing you. Watch as the guy hurries to put the phone to his ear and pretend to talk to someone. Frown as you give the guy your card. Try not to think that your rear end might now be in his phone.

19th. Wonder what the heck is going on when they guy really does call someone a while later and gives them ALL of your credit card info. Turn to pick up a kid and turn back around to see the guy taking a picture of your house with the phone. ??????

20th. Say goodbye to the guy, slam the door, lock it, lock it again, double check the lock and watch the guy drive away. Make sure he is all the way gone.

21st. Get kids lunch and water. Call husband. Tell husband story.

22nd. Husband calls company right away, while you wait to hear what happens. Good husband.

23rd. Wait for the verdict.

Still waiting.

Labor-Free Day Weekend

We planned on going camping for Labor Day weekend, but well, we just didn't feel like it. So, we had one of those, do-whatever-the-heck-we-feel-like-doing weekends, and it was great! No labor for us!

On Friday we went to Denver to see my cousin. They just had a baby two weeks ago. Their second girl. It was good to see them and their gorgeous baby with tons of hair! After that, we went to "A Tast Of Colorado." It was a festival type thingy downtown Denver. There were tons of booths, rides, food booths, music, ect. It was pretty fun and it was cool to be downtown Denver at night with the music and the buildings all lit up. It felt like something out of a movie.

Sunday was our usual Sunday, with the added excitement that Monday was going to be another day off!

Monday, we slept in (aahhhh), got some chores done and then decided to check out Mr. Biggs. It is a great place for kids about 10 and under. The go-carts were by far the best part. It was ice cream afterwards and then a movie at home.

All, in all, we had a wonderful Labor-free weekend. It was just what the Dr. ordered. If only every weekend could be that great.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

We {Heart} Fall

First of all, I know it is 80+ degrees outside and the leaves are still hanging nice and green on the trees, (and it will be like this for a few more weeks) but man oh man, are we exicted for fall.
September marks the beginning of Fall for us, and we are so anxious and ready for a new season. We LOVE the excitement of school getting back into swing, sports seasons starting up, the crisp cool air, the anticipation of all of the great holidays and of course pumpkins, orange and brown, apple cinnamon candles, pumpkin patches, and pumpkin pie.
Within the next few weeks, it will be all things Fall in our house and we are more than ready. Not that summer isn't fun, but here in our home, we are ready to say goodbye to this summer. We are ready to move on, to look forward, and to embrace a new season in our lives. We need a reason to start over and start fresh, Fall is the perfect reason for us. We love Fall!
Mary just began preschool this week and she is so excited. We are trying a co-op this time around with 5 other families. It is very organized and ready to go. It should be great...and cheap. ;) With so much school excitment in the air, we embraced it as well. I got Mary some adorable new "hip" school clothes, we set her backpack and clothes out the night before, and we took pictures. So fun!

More cell phone pictures. I was too lazy to run upstairs for the camera. This is Mary's first day of preschool this year. We were able to walk there, so nice! Sam had to have his backpack on too. It was pretty cute. Obviously the sun was in their eyes. oops!

She will also begin Hot Shots in gymnastics next week. It will be twice a week for 1 1/2 hours. It is the beginning of her training to take it further. This is the class where the hard core starts and the kicks and giggles (well not all giggles) are left aside. Yeah, I know, she is only four, but she loves it. She will spend 1/2 an hour just on conditioning. Good thing she loves the sport so much! She is so excited she is bursting. And I have to admit, it is really fun to watch.
With Mary in school and gymnastics, I am making up a fun little schedule for Sam and I when we have time alone. He will have his own little school here with me. He is such a little buddy anyway, we will have a good time.
Ben is purchasing his ski pass this week as well. He has the ski bug so badly he can hardly stand it. Yet another step into the new seasons.
I think my favorite part about this time of year is that our schedule fills up again. We have had a pretty empty schedule this summer, which has turned out to be a blessing, but I am ready to be done sitting at home having too much time to think. The kids are also very ready for some action. We will be plenty busy with school, sports, holidays, and Birthdays for the next little while. I am so glad!
I am already planning on how to decorate the house to look more "Fall Like." I just finished organizing the basement and going through all the boxes. It was so fun to go through my collection of Holiday decorations. It is growing! I can't wait to add to it. Of course, I will probably change the blog background again pretty soon, to look more Fall like. Pathetic, I know. It sure is fun though. There are some really cute ones out there.
Bring on the new season. Bring on a new era. Bring on the cool crisp air. Bring on the change. Bring on the Fun. Bring on Fall!!!!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Time is an interesting thing. It is never changing, but can feel so much like it is going too fast or too slow. Time has been a lesson learned for me this summer. No matter how much we kick and scream, how much we hope and yearn, and how much we think about it, time will never change, you can never take it back and you can never push it forward. We have to accept it for what it is and let time do its thing.
This week marks three months since we said goodbye to a child we never got to say hello to. The books say that the worst mourning over a miscarriage, on average, takes about three months. Of course, they don't take into account what happens if you lose the baby in the horrific way we did (at 16 weeks). It doesn't say anything about getting mono a few weeks later, or dealing with parents splitting apart one month later. It doesn't say much about losing 1/3 of your blood or getting constant cold sores and ear infections. I guess, the books don't really know much do they.
There is one thing I do know. It is the ever constant healing power of time. Good old time. My heart has been able to heal more than I ever imagined it would. Of course, we were very blessed with an incredible experience that let us know, without a doubt, what will become of our child. It is very personal and precious, but is it knowledge that I hold close to my heart and knowledge that brings me immense joy.
Before that experience, time was still for me. My memories are blurred and fuzzy. The pain I felt in my heart is something I will never forget, but other than that, time just blew on by like a wind that is so soft, you don't even notice it was there. During that first month, time meant nothing to me.
Now, time means everything to me. We all know the don't know what you've got till' it's gone. That seems to be stuck in my head. Yes, my heart has healed to a point, but it does not mean that I don't hurt every single day.
I was never the "baby hungry" type. Even when we knew it was time to bring Mary and Sam to this world and into our family, I was never yearning to be pregnant. Of course, I was overjoyed and so excited to be pregnant when it happened and I was excited to have a baby in our home ,but that is different. I obviously took some things for granted.
Now, when I see a baby, I can't help but stare and soak it all in. I think about what it will be like to have one of my own again. My arms begin to ache to hold my own baby. My heart starts to melt, and then it starts to hurt. I have to keep telling myself that "in time" that will be me once more. The only thing is that it makes time feel like it will never come, and that it is too far away. I want time to speed up and I long for my baby to be in my arms now. I have to force myself not to think of what could have been.
Same thing goes for pregnancy. I vowed this last pregnancy, that I would never be pregnant again. I was SSSOOO sick it was crazy. I was so miserable. I would look at other pregnant women and almost feel bad for them. Even after I have babies, I am so glad I am not pregnant anymore.
Now, when I see a pregnant woman or learn that someone is pregnant, I see it with different eyes. I LONG to have what they have. I see it for the miracle it is, and wonder if they do too. I am so happy for the person, and my heart feels joy, but then it hurts. I naturally wonder how big my belly would be by now. How many more weeks I would have had left.I know that in time, I will have a precious baby growing inside of me once more, but again, time feels so far away, and it is discouraging. If I am not careful the discouragement and frustration can lead to tears. Too many tears.
I now realize how incredibly fragile and miraculous pregnancy and babies are. It really is a miracle and I almost wonder if I will be lucky enough to have that miracle again. After seeing first hand, how easily it can all be lost, it almost seems impossible that it could all work out the way it should. But, it is the work of God, and with God all things are possible.
Why, oh why, does time have to tick by so slowly.

Time is not mine, it is God's. He is the only one who knows the right time for everything. Only He knows the best time for me. There is a time and a season for everything and everyone, and God knows. I have to hold on to that and have faith in it. Following my own time will only lead to more heartache and tears. God knows what is best for me and I have to follow His clock.

Time will tell all. For now, I just have to find other ways to enjoy the minutes ticking by. I need to make the most of the blessing I do have, which are many. In time, I will be pregnant again. In time, I will hold a precious infant, my precious infant, in my arms once again. All in time.