My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Monday, June 29, 2009


The grieving process is exactly what it is called...a process. It is amazing to me that so many emotions can surge through me in such a short time. Add the physical issues with it all, and the hormones that are plummeting back to normal at a crazy rate, and it can get quite overwhelming.

The immense and all consuming grieving I went through for a few weeks, regarding our precious baby, was immediately swept away after our temple experience. I walked into the temple an emotional mess with a dark cloud hanging over me, and came out smiling and shedding tears of joy. I hold this experience very close to my heart and consider it sacred.

There is a process that is separate from all of that though. It shocked me that I was still feeling so sad and confused just a day after feeling such a peace about our child. But this process is separate from that. It is not nearly as hard, not even close, but it is still difficult.

Even though I have peace in one area, this ordeal has many areas that I have had to deal with. Being 4 months pregnant one day, and then not pregnant the next day, is a huge shock. The events that unfolded and caused such a traumatizing experience are plenty to deal with. The physical limitations I have had to adjust to can be so frustrating and hard. Being scared to take on the daily tasks that once were so normal and natural to me is difficult as well. And the other hundreds of challenges and emotions that have come from something like this, not to mention the hormones dropping, have proved to be almost more than my mind can handle.

Because of these things, and all of the other emotions that soar through me throughout the day, I have had a hard time trying to get back into our "new normal." I literally didn't sleep more than 4 hours a night for 2 1/2 weeks because I couldn't slow my brain or my emotions down. My eyes were big red balls with black rings under them. Naturally, anxiety has been a big problem as well. My mind, even if it is in my subconscious, is still trying to deal with it all. It is crazy.

The all-consuming grief has finally been lifted, and physically, I get better every day. So, now I am at that part in the "process" where I am ready to try to live a part of life again. I just haven't know how to do it.

A little over a week ago, a kind friend came to the door with chocolates and the Harry Potter Books. She told me that at this point, distraction will be the best medicine. I was very sceptical, what on earth could possibly get my mind off of this, but I was so grateful for her visit and her kind gifts. It really meant a lot to me. I have never read the books, but have been curious about them. They sat on the counter for a while as I decided whether or not to dive into them.
During a moment of desperation to do anything to stop the tears and the emotions surging through me, I cracked open the first book.
I just finished the fourth book last night. She was right, at this point in the process, distraction is the best medicine.

I am slowly healing physically, Ben is back to work, almost all of my friends are gone for the next month or so, and I have just been sitting around bored and not able to do much...letting my hormones, my mind, my emotions, and the events of the last month play over and over again in my mind. Not good.

It has been so healing to just sit down and float into another world. The books are easy to read, so my blood deprived brain can understand them and I don't get headaches. I read them at night until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I can fall asleep easily now with my mind on something else, and I dream about flying wizards and magic spells, instead of hospital rooms and having my baby taken from me in all sorts of horrible ways.
I am finding that the more my mind is off of what has happened, and the more it is into something else, I have been better able to get back into life. I can start to feel parts of the old me coming back and merging with the new me.
I have decided that I will give myself a few moments of the day to let my emotions come out and to deal with it all, so I don't bottle it up and explode later. But then, I pull out the books and let myself let it all go. It has been wonderful. It kind of broke the trance I have been in, and I proved to myself that I can get past this weight on my shoulders and pull through.

Now that I know how well distraction can work, and I am ready for distraction, I have been trying to find things to do, that the kids can do as well.
It is hard with so many of my friends gone, my physical limitations, and no trips planned for another month or so, but we are finding things to do.

Mary started swimming lessons today, and although it was EXHAUSTING to get the kids out the door in time, and she bawled the whole time without even putting her toe in the water, it was a distraction and will be every morning for the next two weeks. She promised me that tomorrow she will get in the water....(with the bribe of new lipstick). A year ago, she fell in a pool on the 4th of July and had to be saved by the lifeguard. I was across the pool and was trying to get to her, but she was under for a long time. She hasn't forgotten the one has. If she even gets in the pool tomorrow, it will be huge! I am keeping my fingers crossed.

One of my favorite holidays is coming up as well. The 4th of July. Since the last two special days (my Birthday and Father's Day) were basically overlooked due to everything, we are planning a very low key camping trip this weekend as well as a trip to the park to watch the fireworks. We want a reason to celebrate and have some fun. If I can handle it all, that will be another great distraction.

Mary has two T-ball games this week, so that will help as well. They are a crack-up and I love watching them.

Other than that though, I just have to sit here and try to keep the kids happy while I sit on the couch.

Another tender mercy happened today. As I sat on the couch in complete boredom, with thoughts of the past month hovering over my head threatening to take over, and wondering what on earth I will do now that I finished the 4 Harry Potter books my friend gave me, there was a knock on the door. It was my friend again. She had the last three Harry Potter books as well as the first 5 movies!!! She may as well have brought me a million dollars. It was PERFECT timing. I was so relieved.
I am sitting here staring at my pile of fat Harry Potter Books and I can't wait to dive into them..after I get the kids lunch of course.
And so, the healing process continues. One day at a time. And each day, I am better than the one before.
Thank heavens for distractions, tender mercies from the Lord, Harry Potter, and good friends.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

New Normal

I had my follow up appt. yesterday. It has been something that has given me a lot of anxiety these past few days. I had to face it all. The hospital, the surgical center and the Dr. office are all in the same building. I am so grateful Ben was with me. It truly was a walk down memory lane, and it was not easy. It all felt like it just happened yesterday. Everything was so vivid, well the parts I can remember anyway. It felt like a dream almost.
My doctor was awesome. He didn't do any unnecessary tests or check-ups, which I am very grateful for. I think my body has been through enough. He was incredibly sympathetic and sincerely asked me how my "heart" was doing. I nearly bit my lip off trying not to just burst into tears. He explained in more detail about what happened "that day, " before, during and after the surgery, and he answered a lot of our questions about my condition now and in the future. He spent a good amount of time with us. It was very therapeutic.
We learned that I lost almost 1/3 of my blood. Obviously, I am severely anemic (I don't even know if you would call it anemic, it is just so far beyond that) and will be for a long time. It will take three months to get my full blood supply back. There are really only two solutions that the doctor could give us. I am still eligible for a blood transfusion which would give me my energy back right away, or there is the solution which is less risky...iron pills and time.
We all agreed that iron pills and time would be the safest, but will require the most patience and frustration. Time seems to be the solution for most everything I am going through, and it is the one thing I seem to have lost touch with. I am still having trouble knowing what day it is, or even how long it has been since it all happened. I have just been so thrown off and I am just now starting to try to get on some sort of a schedule again...I call it our "new normal."
On our way out of the office, a lady got in the elevator with us. I didn't recognize her at all. Ben turned to her and said, "Do you work in the surgical center?" She looked at him and said, "yes." Then she got a look in her eyes and said, "Are you Ben?" Then she looked at me. I felt like I should probably know her, but I had no clue who she was. She asked if I was Becky. I said yes. She said that she almost didn't recognize me. (probably because this time I had makeup on, I was conscious, I was dressed, and I wasn't all swollen from the IV fluid) It turns out she was the head nurse the day I was in there. Ben totally recognized her, and she us, but I was blank. She asked me how I was doing and even mentioned my CAT scan results. I guess we made an impression. People must not come in there via ambulance, bleed out on the surgery table, and faint in their bathroom and smack their head everyday. Even though I didn't recognize her, I felt comfort when I saw her. I didn't want her to leave. Interesting. Another tender mercy.

Ben started going back to work full time yesterday, and that was a test to see how my body would handle a full day on my own with the kids. It went kind of like this.

Wake up and say a long, pleading prayer for help and strength. Get some tears out of the way.
Get Sam breakfast, then sit down until the room stops spinning.
Get Mary breakfast...lay down this time until my heart stops beating a million miles an hour.
I'm not hungry, but force down Instant Breakfast and 6 pills (which I am still trying to accept). Turn on a movie..we all sit.
The kids play outside, while I sit on the couch and supervise from the window.
Get Sam dressed...then I lay on his floor and crave sleep.
Get up and help Mary get dressed...I lay down on my bed with a horrible headache while they play.
I finally get dressed and kind of do my hair and make-up. It still hurts to brush my hair on the side where I hit my head. I don't quite finish it all before I am too exhausted to go on. I really have to take a nap at this point. I am not kidding. But I can't take a nap, so I follow the kids around and I lay down wherever it is they decide to play.
It took me 1/2 hour to do the dishes because the room kept spinning and I had to keep sitting down. But..I did them.

I will stop there, you get the idea. This is no exaggeration.

And so begins our "new normal". I am having to do nothing short of the absolute essentials. There is no getting around it, I just don't have enough blood to go around right now. Our lives will be very simplified for the next little while. Ben is taking on a lot, and has been amazing through it all. I am so blessed to have him. Truly.

The Lord has still been very mindful of us, and has continued to pour out his tender mercies. I truly feel like I have been more blessed than I deserve. I feel like I witness little miracles every day. And some big miracles as well. I am so humbled. I am so grateful for the blessing He gave us to have such a sure and heart mending knowledge about our precious child and its place with us.

Our lives have been thrown, our strength and faith have been tested, and I am being stretched to the physical and emotional limit, but we are doing it. We are looking forward with faith and putting one foot in front of the other. I still cry every day, but I am also able to smile every day as well. I am beginning to see all of the amazing things that have come and continue to come from this, and it is slowly healing my heart.

Pretty soon, the ups will outnumber the downs, weaknesses will become strengths, trials will become blessings and our "new normal" will become a "better normal".

That is how God intended it, and that is the path we are willing to take."

Sunday, June 21, 2009


Aside from the physical struggles; emotionally, the peace I feel about our precious baby has truly lifted the weight on my heart. The comfort this has brought is incredible. What a wondrous blessing.
It does not mean that there aren't still moments of hardship, or crying into the night from other struggles and side-effects that come from an experience like this, but I can smile again. I now have the desire and even more of a determination to move forward.

Isn't it interesting when you go through something like this, to look back and realize how much the Lord prepared you for what He knew was coming. I have looked back at all that has taken place, I truly can't believe how much we were being prepared for this. I am so glad, even though I didn't see this coming, that my heart was being strengthened and our family was being gently prepared for the events that have unfolded.

1. If you go back to my last few blog posts before we learned about our baby, I mention several times throughout them that I feel like it is "the calm before the storm" or that "I am afraid to mention all of the good things that would be happening the week of my Birthday (and the week all of this unfolded), because I felt like something would get in the way." I even mention that "Life is good right now, it just is." And it really was. The Lord gave us a time of peace and harmony, and we indulged in it. There are a lot of quotes like this, because I truly did feel that the week I was so anxiously anticipating was going to bring something tough. I just couldn't brush the feeling from my mind. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined what was about to unfold.

2. On facebook about a month ago, I posted something along the lines of this. "I don't know why, but I just have a feeling that something big is going to happen." Again, I was feeling like something was coming our way.

3. The night before we learned of the loss of our baby, I got a huge surge of energy/nesting and I scrubbed our entire house. I organized everything, cleaned out the fridge, dusted, cleaned every room, washed windows, ect. I called my mom to tell her about it and I said, "I have this weird feeling of nesting, but isn't it way too early?" Little did I know that my baby was coming very soon. Just not the way we would have planned.
This ended up being a huge blessing, because since then, I have had NO energy at all to clean our house much more than just putting something away and then sitting back down. There is no way I could have been able to clean after the fact. I was nice to come home from the hospital to an organized house. It was one less thing to worry about, and a messy house, is a huge stress for me. I am glad that the Lord kept the small things in mind, and knew that a clean house would actually help me in a time like this.

4. I have had an overwhelming feeling the past month or so that we needed to be extra diligent in spiritually getting our home in order. We had a FHE a while ago and actually had this as a topic. We have been working extra hard to make our home a place of peace and comfort and a safe haven from the world. Because of our efforts, the spirit has been stronger than ever in our home, and we have been blessed these past few weeks with a beautiful and peaceful feeling in our home that comes directly from the spirit we have invited. I am so grateful.

5. Last month, we had a problem with our cell phone minutes. Ben called the company up and talked with them. They ended up giving us 250 extra minutes to use this month. In these past few weeks, because of all of the phone calls Ben has had to make to family and friends, we went over exactly 238 minutes. Had it not been for our extra minutes we got for this month, we would be paying hundreds of dollars in overage charges.

6. A week before we learned we lost our baby, Ben and I had a random talk one night about what we thought would happen to the spirit of a miscarried baby, or if the baby had a spirit in the womb. It was a random, but lengthy talk. We were able to sort through our own minds and hearts and come up with different ideas. I remember that while we were having this talk, I prayed to God that I would never need to wonder these things for myself. I held onto my tummy that night and I was so grateful to have my baby in there.
Because of that talk, we were better prepared mentally, to deal with these questions once again...just in a different light.

7. The morning of June 2nd (the day of my doc. visit) I woke up with a feeling that it was going to be a hard day. I just had a heavy heart. Later on in the library, when I had my first contractions, I again knew that something wasn't right. I began preparing myself. Later that afternoon in the doctor's office, I knew we had lost our baby before I was told. I still held on to some hope, but deep down, I knew. I was able to pray for peace and comfort before those horrible words were whispered to me in that dark and unforgettable room.

8. I had originally had my doc. appt scheduled for the day after my birthday. I had a feeling that week, to change my appt so that it would happen before my Birthday. I didn't know why, but I changed the appt. If I had kept the original appointment, I would have bled out the morning of my Birthday without knowing our baby had died and with no idea of what was happening to me and my baby. It would have been way more horrific that it already was.

9. While talking with the doctor on when to have the surgery, we decided we would not do it on my Birthday. It would just be so wrong and too sad. The doctor told me to go home and talk with Ben about when would be a good time. He suggested waiting until the following week.
After talking, we decided to go ahead and schedule it on my Birthday. I knew it wouldn't be much of a Birthday anyway, and I was in pain. It was weird to both of us, but we felt that it needed to happen that day.
Now we know, that no matter when the surgery was scheduled I would have bled out that very morning and would have had an emergency surgery anyway. Because we had the surgery planned that very morning, and because of the timeline of everything that unfolded, I arrived at the hospital just in time for the surgery that was already scheduled for me. The doctor did not have to squeeze me in, and I was able to get in right away.

10. Once we learned our baby had died, we were told that most likely, nothing would happen before the surgery. That baby could still take weeks to come naturally. Aside from knowing this, Ben went ahead and asked our neighbors to be on call should anything happen.
The morning everything spun out of control, Ben was able to run Mary to the neighbors in her pajamas, and run back to me seconds before I passed out. If our neighbors had not been ready, and Ben had been forced to run around the neighborhood trying to find someone to take our kids,things could have been even worse. In a situation like this one, where so much blood was being lost,time was a big factor and could not be wasted.
We were also blessed in the fact that our children did not have to see anything that happened that morning. Because of how traumatic that whole thing was, it would have been very scary for them...especially Mary. I am so grateful that they do not have any of those memories for us to try to calm and erase.

11. After talking and evaluation our situation we decided to have Ben's mom change her flight plans, so she could be with us longer than planned.
This enabled Ben to finish out the work week, and it gave us that extra night where we were prompted to, and miraculously able to, attend the temple. Such a wonderful blessing.

12. On the side of our blog, during the pregnancy, I had a pregnancy countdown. For whatever reason, I really struggled with what to title it. It actually took me a few days. It hit me one morning to title it "carrying an angel." It felt weird to me to put that title on it, but I did. Now I know.

I am so grateful for a merciful and kind Lord that gently prepared me and my family for a time He knew would stretch our emotions and our strength to the limit. He protected us before this even happened, and since then He has not left our side.

I will never again toss away a small nudge or feeling to do something. My faith in the tender promptings of the spirit has grown to such greater heights.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.

Friday, June 19, 2009

A New Day

Through nothing short of a miracle and through direct prompting from the Lord, Ben and I were able to go to the temple last night.

Sometimes the Lord prompts us to do things that seem impossible. But He always provides a way. He always does. I know that more than ever now.

I will not elaborate.
Again, as has happened so many times in the past 17 days, there are no words.

My tomorrow has come.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Did My Hair Today

I looked in the mirror today...I really looked. And do you know what I saw?
I saw a pale face looking back at me. A face that for too long now has longed for more blood.
I saw eyes that were red and swollen with bags under them from too little sleep and too many tears.
I saw a stomach that is rapidly shrinking from lack of hunger, and from no longer carrying my angel.
I saw flat hair and hollow cheeks.
I watched as yet again, the tears welled up at the start of another day.
Another day where I wake up after too little sleep, and for a split second, none of this happened. I am back to being pregnant and healthy. And then, like a giant tital wave that comes with no mercy and incredible force, it hits me. And when it does, I just want to crawl back under the covers and let the heartache engulf me. I just want to cry until the tears can't come anymore. I just want to let the enormous weight on my heart hold me down and keep me under. And some moments, I surrender and drown in the pain.

But do you know what else I saw in the mirror today?
I saw a glimmer of hope in my dull eyes.
I saw a small shade of color in my pale face.
I saw a stomach that in time, will grow again.
And I saw a daughter of God that is being surrounded by His love.
I saw my loving and strong husband standing beside me, ready to take me in his arms.
I saw me for who I really am, and I watched myself stand a little taller.

As I cried in Ben's arms and tried to find the strength to make it through today, a small sliver of the weight was lifted. As we prayed together for hope and strength, I felt enough courage to keep hanging on. Just enough, to let me crawl out and face another day.

I feel like I am living a seperate life right now. Seperate from the world, from my dear and precious friends, and at times from everyone around me.

I don't know how to act around people that are so close to me, but yet at the moment seem so far. I get so scared when my phone rings or when there is a knock at the door. Do I hide it all and smile and talk, (that is the path I seem to take)or do I let the pain in my heart overcome and let the tears flow. Do I put on a strong front, or do I let the heartache take over. It is a confusing world I am in right now, and one that I fear may never leave my heart. And one that I fear will leave my heart.

But, do you know what I did today? I did my hair. As silly as it may sound, it meant something to me.
I ignored the dizziness, the blood rushing out of my head, the room spinning, the weak legs. I stood strong. I forced the blood I have to work a little harder. I sat when necessary. I stopped to catch my breath. It took longer than normal, but I did it.
I took a step into the normal world, the one I watch go by, but don't dare to enter. The world that I must enter again and face head on.
I forced myself to go through the motions, the motions that in my normal world, I would do every day.
It was a hard emotional and physical battle, and it was frusterating because it was hard.

I did my hair today, and for me ,that is one small step.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Holding On

I am aware that my blogging here and there about this experience may come as a suprise to some of you. I am naturally a private person when it comes to things that cause serious emotion. I would rather hide under the covers, or crawl in my closet and cry/suffer alone.
I have however, several times, felt strongly that I should come out of my comfort zone, just a little, and share a few things that I am going through. I don't know why, but I will obey the prompting.
I guess there is no harm in sharing. (here I go, talking myself into it again)Holding back can only cause lonliness, misunderstanding and it can prevent others from being able to know how to help. It sure is uncomfortable though.

So, even though these past 12 days it has killed me to hit the "publish post" button, and I feel very vunerable and worry for hours afterward, I will do it. I admit, there are several posts that I have written, that will remain un-published because they are too personal, but I am hoping that I am sharing the right things in the right way. So again, here goes another post that has taken a day or more for me to get the guts up to publish. Read if you want.

Things are still very difficult right now, and some days (or should I say some moments) are better than others. But, I am holding on. At times, I feel I am barely hanging by my fingertips..but I will not let go.

What am I holding on to? At the moment:

The Lord and my faith...This all happened for a reason, and the Lord only gives us things that we can make it through and that will make us stronger. He knew, that in our situation and in the baby's situation, this was the way it needed to be...for everyone's benefit. Who knows what may have been lying ahead and how much worse it could have been. He took my precious baby because he loves that spirit and he loves me.

Ben...He has been my rock and I am clinging to him like my life depends on it. His arms are my comfort place, and I go to them often. He has physically taken complete care of me and has gone the extra mile. We are holding tight to eachother and I have soaked him in my tears time and time again.

The hope of a better tomorrow...even though it means starting from scratch, being sick all over again, counting the days and weeks, going back to the office where the painful memories began, and being terrified of losing another baby; I will have another precious life growing inside of me again, and our home will once again be filled with a special spirit to bless our lives.

Family and friends...nothing helps a wounded heart more than knowing I am not alone. The comfort of being surrounded by good people that I love and that love me, can brighten our troubled spirits. My mom and Ben's mom have gone above and beyond the call of duty to make sure our home continues to be a clean, comfortable and blessed place for us to be in. They have also taken complete care of Mary and Sam while I lie on the couch and am forced to watch. They have done it all with no complaints and with love in their hearts. I will not let myself even begin to think about what it will be like when they are gone.

Knowledge...I know that other people have been through things so much worse than what I am experiencing, and they have been able to pull through and be a great help and strength to others. I have also watched as they have become stronger and better able to handle other trials that cross their path. That gives me hope.
I know that I need to accept that this trial is a big one, and a lot of serious things happened. I cannot downplay what we have been through. I will accept it for what it is and give it the respect and time it needs for us to heal and overcome. It is o.k. to hurt, to cry, to mourn and to feel very very sad. No matter if it is better or worse than what others have gone through.

Good things that lie ahead..I am holding on to thoughts that let me know that life is good and that eventually I can start to climb out of this and take life a chunk at a time. I am scared to let go, but I don't want to stay either. I hold on to thoughts of a belated Birthday date with Ben, a trip to the temple, the upcoming family reunions, playing with my kids and letting them know that mom is o.k., feeling a life growing in my stomach once more, and many more.

This is not permanent...My body will be whole again. Although I went through a lot, nothing that happened to me physically, to my knowledge, will be permanent. In time, my body will be energized, full of the blood of life, and ready to take life head on. I will carry another baby, I will run another marathon, I will be the busy-body that I am, and for the rest of my life, I will be that much more grateful for the blessing of health and strength.

My Children....I rarely get to hold them right now, but when I do, I feel such a sense of hope, peace and comfort. They give me hope that I have been blessed with two beautiful, happy and healthy children, and I will be blessed with other babies as well.

I will continue to hold tight to these things and other things I find along the way that bring peace, strength and hope to my heart.
I am preparing myself for the "triggers" that are bound to occur in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Things that I will not expect (and things that I know I have to face but haven't had to face yet), but that will make my heart ache, my stomach feel empty, and the tears come in a rush. In those moments, and in the present moment, I will hurt, my heart will break, and I will yearn for what could have been, but I will hang on.
I will not let go.

Monday, June 15, 2009


Having a rough day. There, I said it.
So why don't I feel better now?
Why won't the tears stop?
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, it has to be.

Friday, June 12, 2009

8 days

8 days...
Has it really been 8 days since I woke up at 3:00am and bawled my eyes out until my body went into uncontrollable shaking.
Has it really been 8 days since I went into unexpected labor at 5:00am, bled out at 8:00am, and after calling for help in complete horror, passed out into my husbands terrified arms?
Has it really been 8 days since I woke up to paramedics, firemen and my husband leaning over me asking me what day it was and where I was, strapping me to a stretcher and taking me to the ER?
Has it really been 8 days since, for a brief moment in the ambulance, I feared for my life as the blood kept coming and the blood pressure machine started screaming?
Has it really been 8 days since I underwent an extra long and extra complicated D&C with too much blood loss yet again?
Has it really been 8 days since I passed out in the hospital bathroom and hit my head, neck and shoulder so hard that they still ache at this very moment?
Has it really been 8 days since I learned that my blood count was so low that I had to be admitted overnight and blood transfusions were discussed several times?
Has it really been 8 days since I experienced a Birthday that will forever change my life?
Was that really even me going through all of those experiences just 8 days ago?
Has it really been 8 days since my baby was taken from me for good and I was forced to accept the reality that I was not pregnant with my precious child inside any longer?
Have I really been on the couch or in bed for 8 days?
Has my sweet mother already come and gone in these past 8 days?

I just can't believe it has been 8 days. And I just can't believe that time still moves on?
It has been 10 days since I stared at my perfectly formed and beautiful baby on the screen and learned that there was no heartbeat. 10 days that seem to all be smashed into one big, long, day.

Everything seems like such a blur to me. I am having a hard time keeping track of what day it is, or even what time it is. I am sure it is mostly due to the medication, which was lowered down to Vicodin today, and also due to the fact that my brain is slower because of limited blood supply. But I feel that it is also due to the fact that my life is now spent on the couch or in bed, where I have too much time to think, but not enough time to absorb it all.

I wonder if everything had gone as planned, and the D&C was normal, and I was in and out the same day...if I would be grieving in the same way? Would it be harder, easier, the same? I wonder if I would be counting back 10 days ago instead of 8?

Time is a weird thing. It can go so fast when you want it to go slow, and it can go so slow when you want it to go fast. Yet, the seconds always tick at the same rate.
I know that in time, I will be ready to let go of the pause button and let life fill me with purpose and meaning, joy and sadness, good experiences and bad, once more. I know that we have better times yet to come, and also worse times yet to come.

But for now, I feel like I need this time. This moment in time, where for me, time is standing still. This moment where I go through physical suffering, emotional heartache, lack of hunger, weakness beyond anything I could imagine, so much fatigue and yet sleepless nights, blurry days, and feeling so lonely, yet not wanting to see anyone and not having the energy to anyway.

This moment in time where I see miracles happen, and be humbled by the numerous blessings coming our way. Feel the strength of prayers and love of friends, cry my eyes out, and hold onto my husband. Thank the Lord for my children, and count my blessings. Try to absorb and accept all that has happened, let my physical body heal, allow my heart to mend, and hope for a better tomorrow.
Even though, that tomorrow has yet to come.

These past 8-10 days have changed my life forever, in good ways and bad. I just hope that when I am ready for tomorrow, that I can look back on today and be stronger because of it.
I hope that I can absorb that good and let it refine me.
I hope that I will be better able to serve and help others.
Because, as I have learned, life is precious, and you just never know when you will need all of the physical and spiritual strength you can muster.

Although my body and heart tell me otherwise at the moment, I know that life will eventually carry on and I will feel happiness and joy in larger doses once more.
I know that this is not the worst thing that could happen to our little family.
I know that wonderful times are in our future.
I know that harder times, and times of much more grief and pain, are there as well.
I know that I can live with my family forever and through all eternity.
I know that I have been filled with peace and comfort and hope in a time when I would think those feelings would be much harder to come by.
I know that the strength I will gain from this experience will help me to be stronger in experiences that may be much worse, and that most likely, lie ahead.
I know that right now, at this moment, this trial is tough, very tough, and at times, can feel unbearable. But I also know that the Lord will NEVER give us something we cannot handle. He will always stay right here and help us find the way.

I know that the Lord has a plan for our sweet baby, and that our family is a part of that plan. His ways are not my ways, but they are the right way and the best way. Even if it means a lot of suffering and heartache, I will follow Him, because I know His ways lead to happiness and eternal life with those we love.

I know that 8 days from now, with the help of the Lord, I will be 8 days stronger and 8 days more ready for tomorrow to come.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I Carried You Home

For whatever reason, this morning has been a litte more rough than normal (whatever normal is). I am more tired for some reason, and still in a good amount of physical pain and extreme weakness. Sorry to those of you who got an invite to a small Birthday open house tonight, but I just can't do it, physically. Ben was so sweet to try.
Maybe it is a little more difficult this morning because it was just a week ago today that I found out we lost our baby. And only a little less than 5 days ago that everything else unfolded. It feels like it was just yesterday. Little did I know last week, sitting there in the Dr. office staring at an ultrasound of our beautiful and perfectly formed baby without a heartbeat, that it was only the beginning.
In order to try to overcome the sadness and discourgement I am feeling at the moment, I am really trying to focus right now on the blessings that have come our way. They have been numerous. There is one in particular that comforts me the most, so I will share it with you.
Through all that has happened, the one thing I just couldn't bring myself to accept was the fact that I would be leaving the hospital empty handed. My heart was empty, but did my arms have to be too? I thought about this a lot as I lay there in the hospital bed, and I dreaded going home with nothing. It would just be too much to bear. How would I ever be able to come to the hospital (even if it wasn't the way we planned on arriving) with my precious baby still inside, and leave with nothing. I feared that the empty feeling in my tummy would be more than I could handle.
But what do you bring home? There is nothing. I had to accept that, as horrible as it was.
Because of my situation, and everything changing and happening so fast, I was assigned to a room on the labor and delivery floor overnight. Everyone was very sensitive to our loss and took all precautions necessary to help us avoid things that would cause too much pain. One thing they couldn't fix though was the lullaby that played over the speakers every time a baby was born. There were a lot of babies born during my stay.
After a while of hearing the lullaby, I tried hard to tune it out. After all, someday soon, I would have another baby, and that song would be for us. For now though, it hurt, and every time that song played, our situation became that much more real.
Our last few hours in the hospital, as we were awaiting our CAT scan results and another set of blood count results, and angel was sent our way.
She sat and tried to talk to us for a while about our loss. I wasn't ready to talk about it, and neither was Ben, and she could sense that. She did say that she had something for us though and asked if it would be o.k. for her to give it to us.
She left and came back with something that only the Lord would know my heart was yearning for. She gave us a beautiful hand painted heart shaped box. In the box was a little white knit hat that was just the right size for our very small, but perfectly formed baby. It would have fit perfectly. There was also a tiny little knit blanket, again, just the right size for our small baby. She left the room, and while Ben and I held the box to our hearts and let the tears flow, a lullaby played over the speaker. Our lullaby for our baby. It was a moment I will never forget and that I will hold dear to my heart forever. I finally had the strength to let go, because I had something to hold on to.
I was able to be wheeled out of the hospital that day with a part of our baby in my arms. I did not go home empty handed.
Since then, we have placed a few other special items in the box as well, and it has become a great source of comfort and peace. We have a part of our precious angel..a tangible part, that we will now be able to have and hold forever.
I was able to carry my baby home that more ways than one.

One Day at a Time

I thought that while I am awake and have a little bit of energy and a clear mind before the medication takes over, I should post an update.

First of all...we have been overwhelmed by all of the love and support that has been sent our way. We are so touched. It has truly lifted us and is carrying us through. We are so humbled and deeply, deeply grateful. There is no way to ever be able to convey our feelings of gratitude for so many of you that have blessed our lives these past few days. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you, thank you, thank you.

We are taking things one day at a time. Things are very rough on all sorts of levels, but we are making it through moment by moment. We have watched as miracles and blessings continue to happen one after the other. I will post some of these during times I am able to think clearly and feel like blogging. The Lord is truly lifting us and he has sent numerous angels (all of you) our way to help bouy us up.

As for the physical recovery, I am on 100% bedrest until I can stand without getting dizzy, and we can get my blood count back up to a decent level. The only trips I take are to the bathroom, and those take a lot of energy. Due to everything that happened before, during and after the surgery, my blood count is very very low. According to the doctor, it may be another few weeks before I am able to do much. It will be months before I get a clean bill of heath. A lot of patience is going to be required.

Because of the blood loss, the surgery that was longer than normal, the labor pains I went through, and from hitting my head/shoulder/neck, I am very, very sore and incredibly weak. I have really strong medication that helps quite a bit though and it allows me to get a good amount of sleep and rest. I also have some medication to help me cope with our loss while I recover physically as well.

My mom got here last night, and Ben's mom will also be coming when my mom leaves on Thursday. We know it was not easy for them to drop everything to come to our aid, but they did, and we are so grateful. It is already lightening our load and helping tremendously.

Ben has been absolutely wonderful. He has taken on a lot and has been through so much the past few days. He hasn't once complained. I basically require the same help as an infant would at this point, and he does it all so gently and lovingly. He has been by my side from the moment everything started to happened and he has not left. I feel very close to him right now and we have drawn nearer to eachother as we walk this painful road together.

As far as the emotional is not easy, and it will take time. The tears continue to flow and our hearts ache deeply. Some moments are better than others. We have had some very special experiences though, that have comforted us and helped us to have peace about our baby. We feel a deep sense of loss and heartache, but we also have peace and hope.
Again, thank you all for your kind words, actions and thoughts. They have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

We will continue to take everything one day at a time.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

P.S. from the Mom...Grandma again

Well, I know I am really taking adavantage of this assignment that Becky has given write a post on her blog... but I just have to say something about my sweet daughter on her birthday!
Yes, today is Becky's birthday! It is pretty hard to understand why and how things happen sometimes. And especially the crazy timing. Some things just stink don't they?!
I wish I had all the answers and solutions to make it all better. It is a "mother thing" and all of you mothers will totally understand. We like to fix things for our kids! We always want them to be happy!
But, we all know our trials are given to us to grow and learn and to then give even more love and empathy to others when they go through their own hard times. We are all here to love and help each other and that is where the peace, the understanding, and the gratitude come in... to help us heal.
Becky has always been a very strong person with an incredible spirit. She was my little miracle girl born 11 months after I experienced a 16 week miscarriage myself. She was my special blessing after going through the heartache of losing a baby. I had hoped my pain and anguish would be enough take care of it for both of us, so she would never have to go though the same thing. Much to my dismay,it did not, but in some small way it makes me feel even closer to her now. I feel her pain and I truly know what she is going through. I know she will be stronger from it all, will appreciate the stong healthy children she now has, grow closer to her husband,and will possibly help another in the same situation later on! She will make her trial a strength in her life...that is just how Becky works.
So Happy Birthday Beck! Know that I love you more than anything! Thanks for being such a great example and best friend to me! Forgive me for taking up space on your personal blog!:)
I love you, MOM

A long night....a long day.....

HI this is Becky's mom, Sylvia Belnap! I feel pretty inadequate to be making a blog entry on this wonderful site that they have created but Becky asked me to make an entry so I will give it a try! Bear with me!
So many of you have been more than wonderful with love, concern and help. Becky and Ben are overwhelmed and so grateful to each of you and want you to know they have felt your love and prayers at this hard time for them...and it has helped immensily.
The calls and messages are constant and they have not been able to respond to all of them but when things calm down they hope to keep in touch with each of you.
Events of the day:
Early this morning Becky woke up in alot of pain and was bleeding profusely. She called out for help and when Ben got to her she had lost conscienceness. Ben called 911 and an ambulance came. Paramedics attended to her, tried to control the bleeding, and Becky was taken to the ER. The bleeding was controlled and it was determined that she should go right into surgery.
She was then taken next door to the same day surgery center. The D&C took went well... but complications arose. Bleeding once again was a problem. Becky passed out again and was taken back to the hospital next door. She is stabilized now,is being watched closely, and will spend the night and morning there.
She has been given strong medication to help with the pain and we are hoping she will get a well needed night of rest and come home tomorrow.
Ben is home with the children tonight. Hopefully he will get some well needed rest as well.
We will all continue to pray for this sweet little family and have faith that the Lord will see them through this.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


Due to the amount of pain I am in (emotionally and physically), I will be going in for surgery tomorrow. Yes, my Birthday. It should be same-day, but Doc. may keep me overnight due to some complications he is concerned about.

I am going to lose my baby tomorrow, for good. There are no words.

Through all of the tears and endless heartache, I can feel the Lord's comforting arms around me and my family, and the prayers that so many of you have so kindly offered. My heart is full yet empty at the same time. God bless you all, what kind and precious friends and family we have.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dear Lord...please heal our hearts.

We lost our precious baby today. 16 weeks.
I go in for surgery this weekend.

Broken heart doesn't even begin to describe.
Enough tears cannot be shed.
The Lord will heal.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Random Thoughts

My Brain just can't seem to slow down lately. I get thoughts, and then as soon as they come, they go. You would be amazed with how much I remember and how much more I forget. Weird. Here is an example of some thoughts that are all running through my head right now. No wonder my attention span is about 0 and has been for the past little while. Welcome to my brain.

1. Should we have taken Mary in to get stitches or at least to get her foot looked at? It is looking really gooey and nasty.

2. I am soooo excited. The bedding set I ordered is going to be here a week earlier than planned. Tomorrow!

3. It is mom is coming in Nov. when the baby is due. It will be the first time anyone in my family has been able to come visit us since we left Idaho over 2 years ago. Obviously, it is a pretty big deal to me.

4. I think Mr. Ribbit died today, but I cannot get the guts up to go poke him. O.K., I just looked in on him, he moved..we are good for now.

5. The baby is very active and I can feel is so fun.
Getting excited for the ultrasound (to be scheduled tomorrow). Not so much to find out the gender, although we are excited for that. I just really want to see my baby and know that everything is o.k. or not o.k. Either way, it is just good to know.

6. I can't wait much longer to have our Pathfinder here, at our house, in our driveway. Tomorrow! It almost doesn't seem real. Too good to be true. Oh yeah, while I can remember, and if anyone really cares, here is some info that people have been asking for. 35,000 miles, 2005, seats up to 7 people (three rows of seats), black, yes, we love it, uuummm, thats it. Ask Ben if you want to know more. We got a KILLER deal and are totally comfortable and happy with our decision.

7. I wish I could go to Bryce's (a friend from High School) funeral. Such a shock and so so sad. Too young to die. So many of my friends are devistated right now.

8. Why can't I find a blog background that I like for more than a month?

9. Life is good right now, really it is. I am not just being an "everything is perfect in our house" blogger. Many of you know that I have no problem posting the good and the bad here in this little window to our life. Life is just good right now.
I need to learn to enjoy the good and peaceful times and indulge in them, instead of worry that it must be the calm before the storm.

10. a few days I will be 27. How do I feel about that? Seriously, I just don't really know...good I guess. I have learned a lot, but not even a tiny bit of what I will be learning in the next 27 years. Life is all about the journey.

11. Is my face getting fat already? I thought that wasn't supposed to happen until the last few months of pregnancy. Ben says I look the same, maybe I am just paranoid. I sure do love my new hair style though.

12. Sam is more than ready to be potty trained. I should start soon. Maybe next week? Ug, I really don't like potty training. But I sure love it when it is over.

13. I better stop doing this and go do something useful. I don't think anyone really cares anyway. Oh well, it was a nice little pick the brain session. Now back to life.