My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Ironic...don't ya think?

Since this will be my last post in 2009, and hopefully my last post of this nature, I decided to post it now. I find it ironic that the year will be ending this way, but it is very fitting I guess. It is also very ironic when you think about what Ben just went though and what they thought it was at first.

We are anxiously anticipating a new year with hopefully better health, less doctor visits, less hospital stays, and more low key news to share. That is our style and that is what we can hopefully have once again.

Since this year seems to be the one of crazy, random and innumerable illness/injury for our family, I might as well add this last one to the list, ya know, just to end the year with a bang. And is on to better items of business...the posts about this rockin awesome trip I am still enjoying, and of course, an update on the baby ultrasound!

So, do you all remember my back pain??? The pain that happened the week we left to come here to Idaho. The pain that had me on my hands and knees in tears. Yeah, that one.

Well, throughout our trip, the pain started turning into attacks, or at least that is what I will call them. The pain comes right after I eat anything, it is sharp, it is in one spot on my back and rib cage, and it is HORRIBLE! It makes me sick to my stomach and it makes it hard to breathe. It lasts about 6 hours.

I have had 2 attacks every day since we have been in Idaho, so I finally cracked today and went to the doctor.

The verdict.....gallbladder. Yup, you got it right, gallbladder.

The doctor is 90% sure.

So, when I get home, I get to have two ultrasounds. One fun one for the baby, and one for the gallbladder.

We may just end up starting the new year, or ending the old one (as I will be thinking of it) with yet another random, out of the blue and unforeseen surgery.
I guess we will know soon enough.

For now, in order for me to make the 11 hour drive home safely, with only minimal pain, I am on a diet of carrot sticks and fat free saltines. Ha! The only food that will not cause an attack that will make me unable to drive, according to the doctor. Go me!

Anyway, there it is. Another Maynard medical mystery, and hopefully the last.

I have not let the pain ruin the trip though. We truly have had a GREAT time and it has been nice to have so much help when the attacks get really bad. I am so glad I am here, and I am REALLY excited for the New Year festivities tonight. Bowling and of course, the annual tree burning!!!!! (pictures coming soon) Time to blast in a new year and blast out 2009.

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome 2010.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Hello From Pocatello!

Hey everyone,
We have had and are having a wonderful trip here in Idaho! We have done so much, and the posts will be coming when I get home, but for now I wanted to share the pictures the kiddos got today. They are in various places on top of the blog and along the sides.

I absolutely LOVE them! I am so so so happy with how they turned out! The kids have Birthday's within 8 weeks of eachother, so we got both Birthday pictures done at the same time. The kids did so well and we brought all sorts of bribes and people to help the process go well. Mary was just like a little diva in there doing her thing, and Sam ate lots of fruit snacks to keep the smiles coming.

A big thanks to mom, Devin and Jessica for keeping the kids smiling.

We are having a blast here, and all is going well. It has been a much needed trip and we have been playing non stop. We do miss Ben so much though.

More posts about the trip coming soon (and one of them will be an update on the big 19 week ultrasound I will have right when I get home). Stay tuned..... ;)

Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It is FINALLY here!!!!

Tonight, I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve.

Tomorrow morning we will get up, pack our bags, pack our gifts, pack our dog, pack ourselves, and jet out of here.

And no, we don't know how the heck we are going to pack the car. It should be interesting. Neither of us are in any condition to lift anything more than a pill to our mouths.

I have been counting down the days for what seems like forever. I don't see my family much, so when the time comes for a trip to Idaho, I can't help but grin (and grin and grin). And this trip will be awesome! We will be spending quality time with Ben's family, and mine.
We will celebrate Mary's 5th Birthday with all of her cousins, a trip to build a bear, and a grand ol' party with fun games. We will celebrate Christmas Eve with my family and all of the wonderful traditions that go along with it. We will celebrate Christmas Day. Ben and I will celebrate our 6th anniversary. We will celebrate the end of this year and the beginning of the next with lots of family, friends and fireworks. We will see tons of family and friends, we will play games, we will eat too much, we will stay up late, we will watch movies, we will laugh, we will love, we will share, and we will soak it all in.
I will stay an extra week with the kids and have some fun time with the fam. I plan on getting my mullet finally fixed (if that is even possible), shopping, seeing my life-long friends, visiting BYU-I and the memories that come with it, hangin' with my mom, sister and sister-in-law, making something cute and crafty, laughing at my brothers until I can't laugh any harder, and getting some much needed rest and relaxation.
I have no doubt that Mary and Sam will have a blast. They always do.

Getting to Idaho may be a challenge, but hey, what's new.

My back continues to get worse and worse. I can't even describe the pain I am in, and have been in. I ended up calling Ben in tears today because the pain was literally unbearable and I was on my hands and knees. I was up most of the night as well. I took some percoset, and that didn't even totally kill the pain. Morphine is the only medicine stronger, and that is not an option....yet. I went to the chiropractor today. I had relief for about 20 minutes when he almost boiled me to death with a heat blanket, but no answers. He can't do some of the tests and X-rays because I am pregnant, but he did have some guesses. One guess was kidney stones. When he said that one..I burst out laughing. How ironic would that be! I am almost 90% sure that is not the case. But it was a good guess. Can you imagine, Ben and I both having kidney problems in the same week! From the severity of the pain, I feel like something is going on with a nerve or a disk, but who knows. I just want it to go away, and go away now.

The 14 hour car ride will be VERY interesting. Once we get to Idaho, I plan on going to another chiropractor or just straight to the ER so someone can just knock me out. who knows what Ben may be feeling like. I don't really want to go there right now.

Ben is getting better, but not 100% yet. He is off the heavy drugs, so he can officially drive safely now. He is still very fatigued though. His body has been through a lot. Mary asked me the other day why Ben was walking like a sloth. I fell into fits of laughter and then got serious and showed Mary Ben's scars. She understood after that.

Aren't we quite the pair! Go us.

So, we may end up taking 20 hours to get there, but by all means, we will get there. We may not be in once piece. Ben may look like he just got out of a gang knife fight, and I may have to crawl for two weeks, but we will get there. We have to get there. We must get there. If there was ever a time this year for things to go right for us, this would be it. WE NEED THIS TRIP and we will get there!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Maynard's...doin' our thang. (Christmas Card included)

*Please pause the playlist on the right hand side of the blog before viewing this post...and turn the volume up!!!

After my tirade yesterday, I will say that things are a little better. My back is still incredibly painful, but the muscle relaxer (that I take when the kids are watching a movie) and the heating pad are helping a little. Ben is also slowly improving. After a crappy week, I am trying to cheer up and get in the Christmas mode again. I decided to make our Christmas card in order to help me pull out of my slump...and it worked! After laughing my head off, I am cheered. Few! (Along with the fact that we leave in just 3 days and I CAN'T WAIT!)

Sorry we didn't get Christmas cards out this year, but we wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
If you have been following our blog, you know the events of our year, so I will spare you the summary.

Love to you all,
Becky, Ben, Mary, and Sam


Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Monday, December 14, 2009

And the rain came tumbling down..again and again and again

You know those moments when all you want to do is cry, but you know it will get you nowhere and make nothing better. In fact, it will probably freak out your kids, give you a headache, and leave you feeling more tired than before.

I am there. I am sooooo there.

As I type this, I am hunched over and standing up. Why you ask? My flipin' back went out on me! Yes, you heard me right, my back is trashed to the point of no sleep, no standing upright, no sitting and constant never ending pain.

Great timing huh. I couldn't have planned it better myself. Because Ben's surgery, Christmas, Mary's Birthday, our anniversary, pregnancy, Mary's breakdown at gymnastics, an out of control two year old, and the events of the whole stinkin' year haven't been enough as it is. I might as well have my back go out this week...just for kicks ya know.

I called the doctor today, after a night of no sleep and horrible pain. I won't even start on the dreams I had about losing the baby. Those were fun.
Not to mention that this is the glorious week I have been dreading. The week I lost the baby in my last pregnancy. And guess what the first sign of the miscarriage was....yup, severe back pain (the only other time in my entire life that I have had back pain). Hooray for me. And hooray for the timing of it all.

I called the nurse and they got me in within the hour. Dr. Weary must have known what my mental condition was, having back pain on this very week. Much to our HUGE relief, the baby is just fine. My back however, is not.

There is nothing severe, just muscles so tense that I feel like my back is pulling into itself and out of itself at the same time. I can't stand up straight, picking Sam up makes me literally gasp, lying down is the worst, and best of all driving KILLS!

Guess who is the designated driver for our 14 hour drive THIS FRIDAY. Me. Why? Because Ben is drugged and just had surgery. Not the best mixture for being behind the wheel.

Dr. Weary did prescribe some stuff for me, but I can't take it. Not while Ben is so drugged. He needs his drugs more than I need mine right now. Who would take the kids, take care of meals, clean the house, finish up Christmas, drive us to Idaho, call Walmart Customer Service about the calendar they lost that took me 3 months to make for someone, tame our wild kids and basically hold down the fort. I can't do that while taking a serious muscle relaxer, or vicodin, as glorious as that sounds.

I honestly think that through everything we have been dealt this year, we have held our heads high. We have kept the faith, we have continued to put one foot in front of the other, and we have tried our absolute best to keep our attitudes in check. Many of you, by this point, probably figure that our family is just one of those that "always has to have something wrong." I can assure you, after this year, I have wondered that myself, but honestly, it is not true. I can think of no other time in our lives that we have had so many crazy things happen to us, and no, we don't enjoy even one second of any of it. For whatever reason, this year has just been one of serious trial and illness for us. We have put up a good fight and we have tried our hardest to take what has come. None of which was brought on by ourselves. Fate had fun with us this year. We have been slammed.

I think this may just be the last straw for me. I am tired. I am sick of being sick. I am EXHAUSTED not only from the past week, but probably from the last six months. My ability to stay strong and keep holding on is tired and weak. My body and emotions just can't handle much more, and neither can Ben's.

I can assure you that on New Year's Eve, as my family and I stand around the Christmas tree with our Roman Candles ready to start the blaze, I will hold an extra one, just for us. Just to blast this year away. I am so ready for a New Year, a new season, and hopefully some time of peace and calm in our lives.

So, there is my post. I am sure it left all of you feeling so warm and fuzzy inside. Sorry...just keepin' it real. Very, very real. Think what you want of me...negative, complainer, scrooge, wimp. I don't care anymore. A year of this will do that to a person. I have tried, and I am still standing, sort of. That is enough for me.

Now I will go see why the kids are literally screaming at eachother for the 10th time today. I am sure this will be so fun. Oh wait, Sam is now bawling and asking me to hold him. Joy. My back will love this.

After I put the kids in time-out for the 10th time today, I take my hunched over self to the closet for a good cry, maybe a prayer, and then I will get up and start putting one weary foot in front of the other.
What else is there to do.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


Ben had surgery on are the details.

Why: He has had these horrible attacks for nearly four years. Lately, they have been happening at least once a month. The week before surgery, he had two. The attacks last about 12 hours and involve lots of pain, throwing up, nausea, exhaustion and flu like symptoms.

What: There is a tube called the ureter that goes from your kidney to your bladder. Ben's is being pinched off due to a random blood vessel that is in the way. Therefore, his kidney can get up to almost 4 times its normal size and has been slowly dying.

The fix: Cut the ureter and connect it to a better place away from the blood vessel.

How it all went down: They used a robot, which malfunctioned in the first hour of surgery. The surgeon was on the phone with customer service trying to fix his robot for AN HOUR while Ben lay there out cold on the table. Nice.

Robot was fixed and surgery went well until it was time to put the stint in. The stint wouldn't go in. It took a few tries.

After 5 hours, of what was supposed to be a 3 hour ordeal, the surgeon talked to me and said that they may have to repeat the surgery the next day if the stint wasn't in the right place. I begin to freak out in all sorts of ways.

Ben goes to recovery and I don't see him for another hour.

Finally I see Ben. He is totally out of it and very uncomfortable. There is a tube about 1/2 inch thick coming out of his stomach and his stomach looks like he just got out of a gang fight with big knives. It made me so sad to see him like that.

Under that patch is an amazing hole that the tube was in.

Ben gets a CT scan that reveals that all is well with the surgery the next day. We all celebrate!!! Ben gets some jello for dinner.

I stay with Ben as late as I can and then head home. Ben has a rough night and doesn't get much sleep. He does get some morphine though. ;) I try to help the kids get a good sleep and explain what is going on.

I get back to Ben in the morning. They wait until after lunch and decide he is good to go. They pull the 8 inches of tube out of Ben's stomach. Holy Moly! They unhook him and send us home.

Ben is now home and doing o.k. He has been King Itchy due to his drugs, so we are trying something new. He is very sore, but can kind of get around if he has to.
His kidney is 75% dead and there is nothing that can be done. However, the 25% that is working should be good to go now. His other kidney will make up for everything. Bodies are so amazing. He is one tough guy and I feel for him. Surgery is no fun. He is being a good sport though.

Many thanks to Adri and my visiting teachers (and to Colleen for being on call and ready to help on her Birthday). We would not have been able to do this without your help.

We are now surviving the best we know how. I am hanging by a very small thread, but somehow pulling through. I am failing in many areas (like my patience and exhaustion), but trying my best. The pregnancy pains and fatigue, last minute Christmas madness, the kids that are totally out of whack, keeping it all together by myself, and trying to be there for my husband, can feel like a heavy load, but we just have to survive one more week until we can get to our families and hopefully get some much needed rest.

Thanks for all your prayers, I know they were heard.

Here's to a speedy recovery! I love you Ben.

Friday, December 11, 2009


A very kind lady in our ward called me up today and said that she read on our blog about our computer problems. She told me that her husband worked for Quest and would be willing to come over and check things out.

Our computer and internet work again!!!! Hip Hip Hooray for kind people who go out of their way to help another. Thank you Mike! Thank you Coke's!

So, here are some pictures that I have been waiting to post and blog about.

Thanksgiving buddies. I don't have a picture of Megan for some reason, but here are the three Ben's on the couch, and here is one of the kiddos (minus one kid) outside of a store after we visited Santa at the mall. We had a great time with them.

This next one is a tear-jerker. It was for me anyway. Mary made an ADORABLE get well card for Ben today. Mary also drew this picture for me. There is a picture of me with a big pregnant belly. Next to it, it says...
"Mom and baby. Don't die baby."

I also talked to Robin (my wonderful visiting teacher who watched the kids for 8 hours yesterday). She said that while talking with Mary, Mary imitated the cry I did when we were in the car in the parking lot of the doctors office, right after I found out we had lost our baby. Robin said it was pretty sad. I remember thinking that the kids were in the car and that I had to pull myself together, but my heart was so shattered and I was in a horrible state of grief. My efforts were in vain. I tried to get them home and away from my emotional state as fast as possible, but it wasn't fast enough.
I think the words hospital, doctor, worried (about Ben), complications, etc. may have brought back some memories for Mary. I also have been worried about the baby a lot, and I think Mary may have heard me express my concerns to Ben at one time or another. She also didn't see Ben or I for a day and has had three babysitters in the past 24 hours, which is what happened when we lost the baby. She knew it was because Ben and I were at the hospital.
Either way, Mary and I are having a talk tonight. She is WAY more in tune than I figured. I feel so bad.

These last pictures are of a "suprise" Mary made for me last week. Like I said, she is very in tune. She could tell that I was exhausted and being pushed past my limit in several different directions. There was an hour or so where I put Sam down for a nap, and completely crashed myself. I was out cold.
I woke up to these cute little lights leading the way down the stairs. When I got downstairs, the Happy Birthday sign was hanging up. Past the sign, was Sam's bed mattress with my pillow, blanket, and bear that Ben gave me when I had Swine Flu.

Mary told me that she could tell I was "way too tired," and that I needed a fun bed to sleep in. She even got out my water bottle and put on a movie for me. I was speechless and so touched. What a sweetheart she is.

Mary took this last picture of me on the bed.

So, there is my picture update. I realize that I need to post more about Sam, and those posts are coming soon. There have just been a lot of Mary moments lately, and I don't want to forget them. I love my family so much.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Child's Prayer

When I was 9 years old, my only wish, hope and desire was to have a little sister. I had three brothers, whom I love, but I REALLY wanted a sister. I wanted a baby to dress and feed and carry around. I wanted a sister to teach about make-up and hair. I needed someone to back me up when I didn't want to rent Ninja Turtles for the 20th time, or when I wanted to play Barbies for real, not Barbies being attacked, kidnapped and be-headed by army men and dinosaurs. I was so sure that if I prayed hard enough, wished on every star, and did all of those silly superstitious things like holding my breath and touching a screw and making a wish when driving over the railroad tracks, that I would be blessed with my extreme desire.

And I was granted my wish. When I was 10 years old, I stood in the ultrasound room with my mother and fidgited like crazy while the doctor looked for the gender of the baby. I think I almost cried from joy when he announced that it was a girl. I loved everything about "my baby" when she was born, and we shared a room until the day I left for college.

The other day Mary came up to me and said that she needed to tell me something. The conversation went as follows.

Mary: "Mom, I did something today that I am shy to tell you about."

Me: " What did you do Mary, it is o.k. you can tell me."

Mary: "I prayed four times for the baby in your tummy to be a girl."

Me (a little taken back) "Oh really. That is so sweet Mary. Why to you want the baby to be a girl?"

Mary: "Well, I already have a brother, but I don't have a sister. I REALLY need one of each."

Me: "Would you be o.k. if it ended up being a boy?"

Mary: "I guess, I mean, I do like Sam and everything. I just need a sister so that I can have one brother and one sister."

Me: "I think Heavenly Father will send us whatever child needs you to be their big sister. He needs you to be a big helper with the baby he is sending us. He will send the one that really really wants to meet you."

Mary: " I know. I already know how to feed and burp the baby. I even know how to do a ponytail, so he can send a girl now because I can do her hair."

Me: "We will find out pretty soon Mary, and we will be so happy with whatever comes...right?"

Mary: "Yeah, but I am going to keep praying for a sister."


Ben and I are completely neutral when it comes to wanting a specific gender. We have one of each right now and we love them just the same. We will be thrilled with whatever comes our way. We just want our baby. I just really hope that Mary's pure little faith won't be rocked if things don't turn out the way she is praying for. She is a good kid, and I am sure she will be fine. Why does she have to be so stinkin' cute!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

What's on my mind

So, I just got on facebook for about two seconds, and it always asks, "What's on your mind?"

I guess I have never noticed it before, but I have a lot on my mind lately, so it kind of stuck out at me today.

I called Quest to try to fix our other computer, but all I ended up with was a dude with a serious accent, a screaming 2 yr old, a yelling 4 yr old a husband in the middle of another kidney attack and lots and lots of confusion. Nothing came of the phone call. Ben will try next time. I also tried to hook the camera up to this luck.

So yet again, a picture-less post. Dang!

My mind is very full at the moment, and in order to try to get some sanity back and some sleep at night, I will try to empty it and get my thoughts down. Here is a jumbled view of my jumbled mind right now. favorite time of year. I am soaking it all in as much as possible. It keeps the cheer in my heart. It keeps my mind on others and on Christ. I love the spirit of the season. I am concerned about some last minute gifts, and how I am going to get them in time, but it will work out somehow. It always does.

Surgery....the surgery is in two days. That alone puts a lot on my mind. I worry about Ben, the surgery, the kids being home without us, Ben spending the night alone in the hospital,the recovery, and to be honest, I am REALLY worried about the days following. I am going to be a very needed and busy person in all areas. I just hope I get that second trimester energy that should have been here a while ago. I am still pretty dead on my feet. I also worry about Ben and the amount of pain he could be in. We just don't know what to expect. Ben was so wonderful to me during my weeks of having no blood. He really pampered me and took such great care of me. We did have the help of grandma's...but I believe that even without them (which is the case this time), Ben would have taken it all on and done just the same. I hope I can do the same and be a good nurse for Ben, mother to the kids, cook, house cleaner, Christmas gift shopper/planner, trip packer, taxi driver and everything else that comes with being a mom and a nurse. I can get grumpy when I get stressed while being so hormonally tired, and I hope I can somehow do it all with a good attitude. Ben deserves that.

Preschool....I have preschool here this week. Our little co-op has been wonderful, but I admit, the last time it was here was the week before Halloween, and it was VERY VERY hard and the house got trashed. I felt like I was taming the zoo. I was dreading it this week, but today was great! We were missing one kid, so Sam was able to participate instead. That helped take care of him, and the kids were all so calm and behaved so well. We got a ton done and everyone was happy. I am very relieved. There are a great group of kids and we had a lot of fun today. They were all smiles, and it was cute to see. Tomorrow should be a good day as well.

Our trip.....We leave on the 18th and will be gone for two weeks. Well, me and the kids will be gone for two weeks. Ben will get back the Sunday after Christmas. I am so anxious for this trip I can hardly focus on the here and now. I LOVE spending Christmas with family! I will be so ready for the break and for the fun. We have fun things planned for Mary's Birthday with her cousins and for the holidays. Oh, I just can't wait!

Sam.....I don't know what on Earth happened to him. He has been such a mellow, calm and easy kid. We haven't taken it for granted. When Mary was his age, it was a very different story. This past week or so, he has literally been next to impossible. He yells, hits, throws toys all over the house..just to make a mess, he throws fits, won't eat anything and refuses to sleep in his bed. It has been unbelievable! It is like the terrible 2's hit right before he is to turn 3. It has been very trying on my exhausted and pregnant body. I am a clean freak, and the messes he makes all over the house all day have me cleaning and going up and down the stairs all day long. Add in the fits and the constant teasing with Mary, and I am wasted physically and mentally. I really hope this is some weird phase that will magically end on Thursday when Ben has surgery. I can tell, deep down, that he is still the sweet, soft-hearted little Sam, I just wish he would let it out. I want my little Sammy back.

The mind is always on the baby, always. I am 14 weeks along. Aside from being so incredibly tired, the pregnancy continues to be wonderful compared to the previous three. I am hoping to be able to feel the baby move in the next few weeks. Then, I can finally relax and know the baby is o.k. without relying on getting the heartbeat at the doctor appointments. If it is anything like the last ultrasound, this baby will be a serious wiggle worm, and I will be thrilled. I am starting to pooch a little and my jeans are getting snug. I don't know if others can see it yet (Ben says not quite yet), but I can sure feel it. My tendons are also acting up like crazy. This is new to me, and quite painful, but I will gladly take it over nausea. I am so anxious to have this baby in my arms, I actually find myself day-dreaming about it a lot and feeling baby hungry very very early for me.

O.K. I know this last one sounds so silly, but it is actually a huge weight on my shoulders. I HAVE to clean the dang house before Thursday and I have absolutely no energy to do so. I just know that having a nice, clean and organized house will help us all get through the next week a little better. I will have so much going on, and I will just feel more organized and fresh with a clean house. For whatever reason, I am just avoiding it like the plague. I just can't get the energy to want to clean, but I really want the house to be clean. Blah! Tomorrow will be the day. I will enlist the family and we will get it done, and it won't be that big of a deal, and it will all be fine. I am just dreading it and the energy it will take. Go ahead and laught now...I won't be offended.

So, there you have it. Those are the main things on my mind this week. Of course, I could keep going, but this is enough.

Oh yeah, I should update. The mouse problem is officially over! We haven't seen, heard or smelled a mouse in our house in a month or so. We won! bahahahahaha! So long Eddie. Sorry Oreo, who continues to get out and search for her lover. We killed a total of over 30 mice in about 4 weeks. Crazy. VICTORY IS OURS!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A shock of an appointment; literally.

I had my 13 week check up today. As usual, I was very nervous. This appointment I was more than nervous, because it will be the time between this appointment and the next in which I lost the baby last time. As the weeks inch closer, I keep thinking about how much closer I am getting to the 16 week mark,and I just can't believe I lost a baby that far along. But, it also makes me believe more than ever that it can and does happen...not matter the odds. I will be in Idaho that week, and hopefully having so much fun that I won't have time to freak out.

When I got there today, I was taking nice deep breaths, and found myself pleasantly relaxed. I had to bring Sam with me, but he was being really good. I was finally getting my act together in that office. Hooray for me!

My blood pressure was normal, and I was proud of myself for being so relaxed this time.

Then came time to find the heartbeat.

I was in the same room, with the same nurse (who I love), at the same time of day, as I was in June. I swore I would never go to that room again, but I was there. It was the only open room.

She could not find the heart beat.

The nurse searched and searched. She had me move around a little. Nothing. She told me to relax. Nothing. She got my heartbeat, I got excited, but it was only my heartbeat..getting faster and faster and faster. Nothing from the baby.

Then, after a LONG time and lots of silence, the nurse asked me the question that she asked me in June, but this time, I knew the meaning behind it. "Did you go to the bathroom before you came, maybe your bladder is just full." In other words, I cannot find the heartbeat, and I am trying anything at this point before I get the doctor and do an ultrasound.

I didn't answer the question. The tears had started flowing and I was biting my lip off trying not to start completely bawling.
The nurse looked up at me while I brushed at my eyes, and without a word, kept looking.
She continued to try for another minute or two in vain. My whole abdomen was covered in goo from the doppler thingy. She was looking everywhere and pushing very hard. The look on her face was the same look I have seen before. It did not help the tears.

A million things went through my mind as I lay there and cried. Why me? Not again? My heart can't handle this. How will I tell Ben (who is in the middle of another Kidney attack today). I can't do this.

And then the words that I thought I was dreaming were said. "I got it...wait a minute, no...yes, hang on....ah, there it is. There is your baby's hearbeat! How about that. You can dry your eyes dear. Take some deep breaths and relax. Your baby is here and doing just fine. That is a nice strong beat. Wow, I was getting nervous there, that sure took a while." (you're telling me)

And there it was. The whooshing sound that sent waves of relief flooding through my body that was totally in shock at that point. The nurse let me listen to it as long as I needed to in order for me to calm down and really believe. I think she was taking deep breaths and saying prayers of thanks right along with me. The relief in her eyes was very obvious.

I almost demanded an ultrasound to prove that it was real, but I held back, even though he nurse was more than willing.

Dr. Weary came in after that and apologized for me having to go through that. He said that at 13 weeks, the heartbeat can sometimes be hard to find. He felt really bad though and made sure I was o.k. several times before I left.

We made small talk for a long time about Ben's surgery, our trip, Dr. Weary's crushed hand and his fall from the ladder, ect. He brought up the miscarriage and asked me how I am mentally doing from that and about similarities and differences with this pregnancy. He even asked me what my heart was telling me about this pregnancy and baby. It was nice to just talk for a while. I think he was letting me recover, but it was really nice.

The best ultrasound is scheduled for the week I get home from Idaho! Yippee! It feels good to have it on the calendar.
The one where they tell us the gender and look at everything going on with the baby. We meet with Dr. Weary right after to discuss the results. I am really excited to see my little jellybean again. Of course, I am nervous for the whole thing. I know now, with all of my heart, that to form a whole and perfect baby takes a miracle. I don't know what the ultrasound will bring (and normally I don't think twice about it, except for the gender...not the case this time), but I just want to see my baby and the heartbeat. That is what matters to me.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Good times, Good people, Good food

Our computer that we download our pictures onto isn't working right now, so you are stuck with words for this post, sorry. I will will keep it short in hopes that people will actually read a post without pictures. We will see.

Thanksgiving was a ton of fun. We had a good friend, Ben, and his wife and kids stay with us. We haven't seen Ben for years. I met him the same day I met my Ben. Crazy!
I experienced the best summer of my life with these Ben's, and it was great to talk about one hilarious memory after the next. I can't believe we got any studying done that summer. If I were able to re-live any time in my life, before I was married...that summer would be it..hands down.

They got here on Wednesday and left Sunday morning. We talked, went to Garden of the Gods, shopped, talked, watched our kids go nuts, watched movies, talked, ate good food, and had a great time.

Thanksgiving was really nice. We had "the good neighbors" over to join our group. The 5 kids under the age of 5 behaved well for the most part, and we had a good time. The only major accident was when Mary decided to try a front flip over the kids table in order to get to her seat. You can imagine how that ended up.
The cooking was really easy this year, and there really wasn't any stress. It all worked out great! Mel's homemade pumpkin pie was the hit of the day. Yummy!

I have a picture of the three Ben's (my Ben, my little Benjamin Samuel, and Ben Caswell) , and it is so cute, but I guess it will come later. Dang.

Ben's wife Megan, my best friend Katie and I shopped our brains out on Black Friday. We got up at 3:30am (I had been in the bathroom puking since 1:00am with this random stomach bug) in order to get two very specific items that I HAD to get. The deals were just too good not to try to get. It was a very close call, but we got them!!!! Oh my goodness, I can't wait for Ben, Sam and Mary to get these gifts. We scored big time and came home with a Pathfinder loaded to the bursting point and grins plastered to our faces. It was an absolute BLAST!

Megan and I were dead on our feet after the 5th store, but I honestly think Katie could have gone all day. She is a crack up. Megan had her things taken from her at one point and put back on the shelf. By the time she could get to them, they were gone. I felt so bad! She was a good sport...but still. Not cool! It was fun to get to know her and her cute little boys. We miss them already.

Monday was a shocker when all of the sudden Ben was back to work, I was here at home standing in the middle of the aftermath of our fun, and life went on. We did get our Christmas tree though and our house smells wonderful! We are decorating it tonight. The spirit of Christmas is in the air and we are all so excited to get ready for it the next few weeks and we are really looking forward to being with our families.

I have a doc. appt. tomorrow and of course, I am a nervous wreck. I automatically plan on finding out that there is no heartbeat and I go through the motions in my head of how I will still try to make the holiday fun for the family. I wonder if the anxiety will ever end. I will be glad to have the appt. over with and to hopefully have some peace of mind.

Ben's pre-op appt. is also this week. We are hoping to find out more details about just how long the recovery will be and why the surgery takes 3 hours. I am kind of nervous and not sure of what to expect. We do know they are going through his stomach and working their way back to his kidney. That may be what will take so long. I am trying to arrange things so I can be with Ben before, during and after the surgery. I don't know if I will be able to stay the night with him though. I just hope it all goes well. I am not a fan of the unknown. I think he is a little nervous too.

So, there you have it. My very wordy post. I will try to get pictures up soon. I have a great one that I took of a "suprise" Mary made for me the other day. Stay tuned.