My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Thursday, May 27, 2010

A Summer of Goodbyes

And so we continue on with our summer of goodbye's.

My grandpa's funeral is today. The viewing is taking place right now actually. It is so incredibly hard not to be there. I love my grandpa and I want to be there with my family. It has not been an easy week to say the least. Everyone is saying goodbye to grandpa today. I will in my own way. I just wish I could be doing it with my family.

(my mom's last moments with grandpa)


Our friends "the good neighbors" a.k.a. the Fortin's are moving this weekend. Probably today, if all goes as planned. They have been true and wonderful friends to us. We were so blessed to have the best neighbors in the world. We have had so much fun with them camping, hanging out, laughing, going out to dinner, talking for hours out in the front yards. Not to mention Mary and Tyler's relationship. They play all the time, and when they aren't playing they are begging to play. They are "married" according to them, and they have a very special friendship. Mary is heartbroken. I can't believe they won't be next door anymore. They will be leaving behind quite the empty space in our lives. Boo!

This goodbye, as with my grandpa's, was one that was not expected this summer. And we have known there would be a lot of farewells this summer. It is a little ironic that it is this very same week a year ago, that we were saying a difficult and heart wrenching goodbye. I must say, it is much easier this year, but it is still rough. We planned on saying our goodbye to the Fortin's and bawling our eyes out, when WE moved, not when THEY moved. It pretty much sucks.





Mary's last day of gymnastics was yesterday. This goodbye wasn't super sad or anything, but still, it has been a big thing in our lives here. She has great friends there, and it has been such a fun thing for her. It is just weird to begin wrapping things up.




Of course, it was windy, but the picture is still cute.


Some things also fell through this week that were supposed to be so much fun.
My mom and sister were going to be here this weekend and we had all sorts of fun things planned. My family has NEVER been here, and I was so excited to finally have someone here and to show them around this place we love.(my mom came last year at this time, but it doesn't count because I don't remember much of it and the circumstances were really bad) It was going to be a really fun weekend. Of course, with the death of my grandpa, that will not happen. They will not be coming. I don't blame them of course, the timing just bites.
We are planning a fun Memorial weekend full of sun, beauty, new things, and being together and a family, and making the best of it. All will be well, I just sometimes dwell on what could have been and feel bad.

My doc also leaves town today and won't be back until Tuesday. He is more than a doctor to me. He is like a long time family friend. He has gotten me through a lot. Chances are, he won't be delivering our baby, unless I stay pregnant for another week. (which he said not to count on, but I am beginning to believe this pregnant state is permanent) Rock on. So, unless our baby comes today before 5:00 (and believe me, I have tried everything to make this happen), the odds are not in our favor of having Dr. Weary with us when the baby finally does arrive. For the first time this month, I am actually hoping that I DON'T go into labor this weekend. I am hoping my body can hold out 4 more days until Dr. Weary gets back. We may just make it to June 4th after all. It would be fun to have a Birthday baby, and it would be incredibly profound actually. We will see.


Obviously, I have had better weeks in my life. I have also had much worse though. With all of these nasty goodbyes, and changes in plans, we did have a fun little hello.

Mary was watching a bird catch a worm, and she saw it fly to its nest, which happens to be low down in the tree. This is what she found!

Can you see the cute little beak reaching up to get food from its mommy? There are actually three babies in there.

We have had a lot of fun watching these new little birds and their momma. The "fluff" you can see in the nest is actually a part of the blanket Chamonix slept on. The bird must have grabbed it before we sold the dog house. It is kind of nice to have a little piece of our dog still with us. I still have his dog tag, but I can't look at it yet. We miss him more than we thought. (we did get a report from his new family though...and he is incredibly happy and loving running all over their 40 acres, chasing rabbits, swimming in the stream, and playing with their 6 kids)

We love having this cute little nest in our yard with these adorable babies. There is just something about new life that is so happy and exciting. There is always good going on in the world, sometimes when I am so frustrated and consumed with other things, it is harder to see it. Thank heavens for children who are resilient enough to ignore the nasty and find the joy. I have a lot to learn from them.

Monday, May 24, 2010

A Good Man

Grandpa passed away today.
The tears streaming down my face are tears of sadness and also tears of joy.
My heart hurts. It hurts a lot.
But at the same time, my heart is full. Full of the knowledge of the glorious reunion taking place in heaven at this very moment. My grandparents are together once again, after 16 years.

My relationship with grandpa was a unique one, and I feel blessed.
He wasn't the kind of grandpa you just see once a year at a reunion and hear stories about every once in a while.
He was the grandpa that came over for Sunday dinners.
The grandpa who came to all of my sports events.
The grandpa who remembered every single Birthday.
The grandpa who was full of hugs and hand kisses.
The grandpa with endless stories of his farm-boy childhood.
The grandpa I grew up with.
The grandpa who played the harmonica.
The grandpa who helped me build my first snowman complete with hair made out of leaves.
The grandpa who loved sweets almost as much as I do.
The grandpa who would go bowling once a week at the age of 90.
The grandpa that was there...always there.
The example.
The friend.
The hero.

It is ripping my heart out to not be able to be there. To comfort my mother. To mourn with my family. To go to the funeral. To talk about grandpa. To hear the stories and the memories. To share in the comfort, warmth and peace of family.
But the timing isn't right. Our baby boy is on the way any day now. I am just going to have to bask in the comfort that grandpa is with him now. Preparing him for his turn on this earth. And of course, passing on his name.

Earlier this week, grandpa actually mentioned our precious child. He told my mother that "the little boy was coming." He mentioned a few other things as well. He saw our son. I find peace in that.

Our son will be named after grandpa. It was planned before grandpa became so sick just a few short weeks ago. And now, more than ever, that will be very significant.

I love you grandpa. As hard as it was, I am so glad I was able to talk to you one last time yesterday. I will forever be grateful for that. I hope you heard me tell you that I love you.

Enjoy being back with your dear companion, never to be apart again. You left behind a legacy like none other, and even though you leave behind a hole that can never be filled, we will continue to carry your legacy forward. Thank you grandpa.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Like Daddy Like Daughter

video

I LOVE how she claps for herself at the end. Way too cute! Good job Mary. Another ski season down and a million more to go. Next year Sam will be joining her!

Life

It is an interesting thing really.
It is something that can be all consuming, or it is something that we don't even think twice about.
And yet, it is so fragile, so precious, and so important.
It all depends on the situation and the circumstances.

I have been thinking a lot about life lately. The anticipation of a new baby, a new life, can do that to a person.
The anticipation of a new life entering our home, is of course, one of joy and happiness. Just as a new life should be.


I got a phone call a few days ago. My 92 yr. old grandpa (with whom I grew up in the same town with, and have a million memories with, and whom I love dearly) had a stroke. Since then he has also had a heart attack and contracted pneumonia. Life to him right now, is also in the front of his mind, as well as with the rest of us.
My grandpa has lived a very fulfilling and hard working 92 years. His wife passed on too early, and for him, the end of life is probably a very welcoming and exciting thought.
For those of us left behind however, the end of his life is a heart wrenching and very difficult thing to be forced to consider.

As I have been on the phone the past few days, the conversations have been all about major life events, and trying to somehow plan these events centered around life. Something that no one can predict. The new life about to enter our home, a precious life that is hanging on by a thread, an upcoming wedding and the joining of two lives, moving plans that will change the course of our lives, family reunion plans and the reconnecting of lives once shared but now separated through distance and well..life.

It is also almost June. The month that is also my middle name. A month that will forever have me contemplating life. My own life, as my Birthday draws near. The life of my grandmother, with whom I share a middle name and a Birthday month. The life and death of an unborn child, that we experienced last June. The life of an uncle, who passed away unexpectedly in June. And now, a new life in our home and the possible end of another.

With all of these thoughts in my mind and weighing on my heart, I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of life. I know exactly where we come from, why we are here, and where we will go. The plan is perfect and one of hope, comfort and peace. I thank my Heavenly Father each day for this knowledge and the peace it brings.

I don't know what life will bring, especially within these next few weeks, but it is life. And no matter what, it does go on. Even after death. The only constant in life is change, and as wonderful or horrible as that can be, it is what it is.

Life will be in the front of my mind for this period of time, and thank goodness it is in the hands of an all knowing and loving Heavenly Father, because the timing of so many lives at this point, need to somehow all work out and come together for the common good. It will take a miracle, but nothing is impossible. After all, life itself is a miracle, isn't it.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The First of Many

Yesterday was the day. It was the beginning of many hard goodbye's for our family.
Because of the move, we have had to try to find a home for Chamonix. We prayed and prayed to find the perfect home....and we did.

The family has 6 kids, all home-schooled, so they are home all day to play with him. They live on 40 acres, so he can run and play all day.
He sleeps in their garage, which has a doggy door hooked to a dog run, so he will be safe at night.
They are a sweet family, and they love animals.
It is the perfect scenerio for our dog, and we were so glad to find such an awesome home for him. But still...

It was a hard goodbye. Much harder than expected. In fact, my heart is still very, very heavy today. It kills me to look out at the empty dog house.

I had a lump in my throat the whole way out to their house. It almost killed me to take of his tag that declared his name and our address. All of the memories with him were flooding my mind. Hiking, running, camping, playing, ect. It is funny how you only remember the best of times, when you are about to let something or someone go. The past few months with him have been rough, and he will be better off with his new family, but still...

When we got there, it was comforting to see him blast out of the car and run all over the wide open space. The kids in his new family surrounded him and gave him loves before we even left the house. We know he will be very, very happy. But still...

When we pulled out, the last thing we saw was Chamonix looking at us. His ears were up and his head was cocked to the side. It is the look I love and the look that melted our hearts. It was not easy to pull away, not easy at all. Ben and I were both a little shocked with how hard we were taking it. The kids were just fine, and that was a big blessing, but still...

We drove home with tears in our eyes and holes in our hearts. Animals have a way of becoming more than just animals. Especially when you have so many fun memories with them. He was a lot more than just a dog to us.

He will be the first of many goodbyes we will be facing in the next few months, as a result of our move. And his was supposed to be one of the easier ones. We were wrong. It will all be for the better in the long run, but still...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Numbers

I am a numbers person, and even though the numbers can make things seem overwhelming, I feel very blessed to be able to have a plan and to have numbers. We have a BUSY next few months ahead of us. I am trying to stock up on sleep and energy now, because I think I may just be as close to dead as a human can be by the time August rolls around. Gotta love moving with a newborn. One of these times, we may just escape it. So far though, we are 3 for 3. And I would rather experience all of the craziness this summer will bring, than go though last summer all over again. It's all about perspective my friends. Please remind me of this when I am running around like a crazy person in about a month from now.

2.... broken toes (yup, I broke another toe this week. This one was WAY worse. I actually lay there on the floor and cried this time. My kids even heard the snap) I need to learn how to walk. Or maybe I just need to be able to see what is in front of me, that would help.
2.5.....cm dialated
50.....% effaced
( I am sure you all just love getting that info. But hey, I am pregnant and that is how it goes)
1....week until next appt.
2...weeks until mom and sister are here for a few days for a soccer tournament
3....weeks and two days until due date
?....when baby will actually arrive
(does anyone else see the problem with the above scenario?)
June 4th...due date
June 4th...we close on our house
June 4th...my Birthday
My mom and then Ben's mom here for the first two weeks after baby is born.
July 4th...bless our little guy in the Colorado Springs, Briargate Ward. Happy Independence Day!
July 4th-July 15th....pack, pack, pack, pack
July 15th...the kids and I say goodbye to Colorado Springs (I basically have my heart ripped out) and drive to Utah, with Mary, Sam, and a newborn. Ben stays behind to finish up work.
July 16th...my brother gets married in the Timpanogas temple. Reception that night in Utah, open house the next day in Pocatello.
July 16th-July 23 Belnap family reunion. I get to see my whole family!
July 23rd-July 30th I drive to Utah a few times to paint the house! The rest of the time is spent at my parents house in Pocatello.
July 30th....Ben finishes his last day of work here in Colorado, packs the moving truck, says goodbye and heads to Utah.
July 31st...we move into our home in Utah
July 31st-the next few months...we move in, unpack, Mary begins kindergarten, we start new ward, Ben starts new job,I cry a lot (out of stress, fatigue, hormones, and because I am terrible with change), and we adjust to everything.

Can I have a nap now?

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Incident

The other day, Mary and Sam were playing outside and I noticed the neighbor boy was out shooting his BB gun. He looked young and his aim was anything but great, so I had the kids come inside.

We woke up the next morning to this.



Ben found the BB that broke the window, and walked over to their house. You can actually see the back of their house in the above picture.

Two boys with sheepish faces opened the door, and their grandpa kindly offered to pay for a new window.

No harm done. I am just grateful that this was a window and not one of my kids.

The funny thing is, however, is that yesterday they were back out shooting again...and aiming right at our house.

Maybe when the grandpa gets the bill for a new window, the guns will be no more.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Mother's Day Thought

A Child's Angel

Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. So one day he

asked God:

They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow but how am I going to

live there being so small and helpless?

Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She will be waiting for

You and will take care of you.

But tell me, here in Heaven, I don't do anything else but sing and

smile, that's enough for me to be happy.

Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And

you will feel your angel's love and be happy.

And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if

I don't know the language that men talk?

Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will

ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you

how to speak.

And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?

Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to

pray.

I've heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?

Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.

But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.

Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way

for you to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you.

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from earth

could already be heard, and the child in a hurry asked softly:

Oh God, if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name

Your angel's name is of no importance, you will call your angel:

Mommy

(Author Unknown)

Friday, May 7, 2010

The View From The Window

I was upstairs, putting a toy away here and straightening a bed there. The sounds of laughter made their way up to me, and I turned to look out the window. It was then that I saw the picture perfect moment. The kind of moment that no actual picture can ever capture. The kind that can only be etched in a mothers heart and kept safely there.

Sam was on one swing, Mary on the other. Both kids had huge grins of delight as their daddy pushed them higher and higher. Ben's face was one of joy and happiness as well.

As I stood in the window looking down on my precious family, my heart was full.

My children are healthy, active, happy and full of life.
I have the perfect husband for me.
The bond that Ben and I share is one of deep, rich love, and a firm commitment to face this life hand in hand.

And there they were, sharing in life's simple pleasures, happily playing together as a family. My family.

We are a family. We have eachother. We have God. We have eternity. We have love.
And as I stood there at the window (cradling the other precious life in my belly), I realized that this is enough. It will always be enough.

Some pictures will never fade.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

You Know You Are Nine Months Pregnant When...

You drop everything on the floor, and spend the next few seconds deciding if it is really worth picking it back up. Most of the time, you just kick it to the general area it belongs to, and ask one of the kids to put it away.

If that item is worth picking up, you use salad tongs or train track pieces to get that object.

Your 5 yr. old daughter paints your toenails, because she can actually see your feet.

Your husband knows that when you put your arm up in the air, it means you are ready to get up off the couch or the chair, and you need his help.

Random people stare at your belly begin asking when you are due or try to rub your belly. (PLEASE don't rub my belly, yes there is a baby in there, but it is still my belly, my body, and my bubble)

EVERYONE at the gym looks at you with a very worried expression, like you are going to fall off the elliptical and begin screaming out of labor pains at any given second. Or maybe they are just concerned about that huge protuding belly bouncing all over the place.

There are 5 pillows on the bed dedicated to just you, and you still are not even close to getting comfortable.

You look at the huge hippo at the zoo, lying around in its own feeces and lazily chewing on a head of lettuce, and feel like you can totally relate.

You belly button pops out just like a turkey timer, announcing to the whole world that you are done.

Every twinge, contraction or pain brings on hopes of an upcoming labor. It is the one time where feeling pain gives you hope and feeling great makes you grumpy.

You are jealous of anyone wearing pants with a zipper and a button.

Monday: your back hurts
Tuesday: Your back hurts and your legs ache
Wednesday: your back hurts, your legs ache and your fat fingers can't grip anything
Thursday: your back hurts, your legs ache, your fingers are fat and you have a headache
Friday: CONTRACTIONS! no contractions. CONTRACTIONS! no contractions
Saturday: you get a nap, and some help from the hubby. You feel pretty good.
Sunday: Tired, but feeling good.
Repeat process but add more pain and swelling to each item

No matter how hard you try, there is ALWAYS a stain or a crumb somewhere on your shirt. Usually in a spot you can no longer see, so someone else has to tell you.

Trying to tie your shoes is impossible, so sandals with socks become your new fashion. Hello white trash! You could omit the socks, if you want to show off your swollen veiny ankles and your rainbow/sparkle toenails.

Yes, it is true. You really do waddle. Anyone would if they felt like they had a brick between their legs!

You actually look forward to your OB visit and all of the joy that comes with the last month of visits. The course of your whole life as you know it will come from some simple words. Either you are dialated and effaced, or you are not. Either you hate the doctor or you love him. Either you cry or you don't. You are told nothing is happening and have the baby that night, or you get false hope and are a beast for the next week. And then you go back a week later and do it all over again. Rock on.

You are EXHAUSTED, but somehow have this crazy urge to organize the cereal in alphlabetical order, or organize the basement (no small thing) or you can't sit until the "junk drawer" in the kitchen is organized, or you can't sleep until you have made 10 lists of absolutely nothing, but they seem important to you. The joys of nesting.

Your belly is at just the right level to collide with your 3yr. olds head. The poor kid gets bonked on a daily basis.

Your husband spends 1/2 the day telling you, "it's just water weight."

Your daughter looks closely at your belly and asks you if it is possible for it to pop.

Your son looks at your belly for a long time before asking you if you are o.k.

Every morning you wake up, you have to wait an hour for the swelling to subside before you can see, get dressed, or go out in public.

You truly debate on whether or not to jump off the church stage after the ward talent show, jump on your friends trampoline, do cartwheels with your daugher, or maybe even jump rope...just to "get things going."

The rings you are wearing are stuck, and the ones you aren't wearing cannot be put on.

The baby clothes are hung, the bed is set up, the carseat is ready to go, the bottles are in the cupboard, diaper stations around the house are ready to go..and you still have a month until the due date.

And here I am...one month to go. It will be worth it....it will be worth it...it will be worth it...