pumpkin carving

On Monday we had our pumpkin carving FHE.

Mary and Sam drew the faces, and Ben helped them carve the pumpkin.  They thought it was awesome. 

vampire pumpkin

another vampire pumpkin, with the letter "S" carved in the back, for Sam.

Mary, of course, loved the gooey insides of the pumpkin.  Sam touched it once, and asked for a spoon to clean out the rest.  William wasn't too fond of it either.  Silly kids!

William just wanted to draw a face.  We had no idea he could actually draw a face.  It shocked us all, and he was so proud of his "monster pumpkin."

I was surprised that the kids wanted me to bake the seeds.  I didn't think they liked them, so I hadn't planned on it.

I baked them, and the kids ate them by the hand full while watching a Halloween movie. Believe it or not, they were gone before I could even get a picture of them!  They were really yummy.

Now the pumpkins are happily spookifying our porch for the next week or so.

I love Halloween!

this is fun

This week was fun.  It was so fun.

A few days after my D & C I began feeling like I was coming down with something big and nasty.

I got a fever, body aches, chills, and all sorts of good stuff.  I felt like the walking dead.

Then, I started to feel like my abdomen and back were having a war over who could squeeze itself the hardest.  Oh, it was lovely, just lovely. I was really happy and fun to be around...just ask my family.

A doctor that I went to at the beginning of the pregnancy just happened to call me the night I was really feeling like death, just to check in.  I told him what was going on, and he let me know, that it wasn't normal.  That was good.  Glad to know not everyone gets to feel like this after 2 miscarriages in a row and a D & C.  I figured feeling like death was just another awesome side effect of it all.

The next morning, I went in to my doctor, had a fun exam that was crazy painful, and then was diagnosed with a UTI and even better,  a nasty infection from the D & C.  My fever was 102 with Advil in my system at the time of my appointment.  I was loving life!

Apparently, there were still some "things" left over inside of me, and it got all nasty infected.  I got the great choice of another D & C, or antibiotics and a pill that would force me to cramp like crazy for 24 hours and try to force the infected "things" out.  And then if that didn't work, a D & C. Imagine my delight with my options.

I opted to try the pills and antibiotics first, and came home to tell Ben that he had to miss work again, because I was sick again, and needed some serious rest and recovery time to kill off 2 infections.  Hooray! So fun for everyone.

Ben is awesome, and as usual, took over the house and kids, while I attempted to rest my infected sick body.

Oh, and not to forget my doctors warning that the 2nd week after a D & C is when the major hormone drop happens.  Rock on.  Perfect timing, don't you think?

I have had a lot of teary moments, but they have been under control.  I have, up to this point anyway, only had one big nasty, ugly bawling, snot flying, rage reacting, head under pillow, Ben scaring, children running, hormone/freak out party.  It was great, wish you all could have been there.

It did result in Ben taking me on a drive through some pretty stuff, allowing me to catch my breath, wipe my eyes, clear the snot, and talk to a listening ear.  Ben is my saving grace.  I love him.  We both needed to clear our heads, our feelings, and try to absorb all that has happened this past little while.  We received some inspiration in a few areas, and I made sure to write those down when we got home.

Yesterday, I was somewhat well enough to go to the temple.  Something I have feeling a strong urge to do for a while now. 

Again, Ben took the kids, while I drug my tired, sick body to the house of the Lord. Ben is amazing, truly amazing.

And what an experience I had there.  My fever shot up, and I felt horrible, but somehow, it was so wonderful too. It was so refreshing, uplifting, thought provoking, and I received some inspiration on where to go from here, and what to do.  It was unexpected, but so real and profound, that I had no doubt.  It was beautiful.

Today, my family and I drove an hour and a half to meet my parents at a half way point from their house and ours, at a random church in Brigham City in order for my father to be able to administer to both Ben and I in ways we really needed, and in a way that could only come from him.  I knew that for sure.  He needed to be Gods hands to bless me and my family at this point in time.  It was precious and special, and gave my body and spirit the power they will need to continue on in the next step of this journey of bringing our baby to us.  Ben and I both feel uplifted in ways we needed and guided as well.  I have been blessed with wonderful parents, and a patriarch of a father who truly blesses our family in so many ways. I will never forget it.

And that about sums up our week. 

Up next...hopefully nothing,
but I do have an appointment with my OB on Thursday to make a plan of action and to try to figure out what is going on.  She is currently going through my whole health history of the past several months, and is going to make a plan with me from there.

Rock on.

a small, but important, moment in the journey

The past few days, I have had time to ponder, pray, rest, regroup, heal, and dig deep to pull out my inner drive to keep moving on, in regards to getting our baby to us.

I have received a lot of help and guidance from the Lord, and I know that giving up would be the worst option.  Even though, for a while there, I really wanted to just be done with this whole process. 

After all, I have 4 beautiful children that I love with all my heart, and my life is full and blessed.  I could easily be done right where we are, and move on with the family I have, IF I didn't have the knowledge that I have.

 Ben and I know for certainty, and without a doubt, that there is a sweet and precious child missing, and yearning to be here.  A child that has a very specific purpose and mission, and that will surely change our lives.  How could I possibly turn my back.  How could we turn our backs.  There is no way.  My heart is already given to this child, and until they are here, it will not be completely whole.

My body is slowing down, as far as baby making is concerned.  Mother Nature decided to start this very early with me. That is no secret.  Time is running out for me in this area.  So, I do feel a sense of great urgency.

However, I do not feel rushed.  In fact, I feel the opposite.  This is NOT my nature, but it is a blessing I have been given after this last miscarriage.

Instead of counting down the days and minutes until I could possibly be pregnant again, and rushing the process, and being anxious and worried, I feel calm, peace, and a strong desire to use this time to heal, both heart and soul, and prepare my body in the best way possible to house one last baby.  I am going to wait until I know for sure that the time is right.

I am going to talk with my doctor at my next appointment, and we are going to do everything we can to get my body balanced with the right hormones and vitamins, and fully rested in order to make the outcome as good as possible for when I am ready to be pregnant again.  I know that my doctor will be guided to know how to help my body do this one last time.  I don't know what all I am going to have to do, and what exactly is going wrong, but I know that I need to listen to her, and she will know.

I am going to go back to the gym, something I have been too sick to do for months now.  I am going to get my hair done, buy some new clothes, celebrate the holidays, work, play, bond with my husband, build my faith and testimony, enjoy my family, focus on keeping my home a refuge from the storm, really enjoy not be nauseas, and enjoy this time of healing and recharging.

I feel that it will be a small moment, but I also feel that it is a very important moment, before the Lord will let me know when it is time to try once again.

We will need a miracle to get this baby here, but I am going to do everything in my power for me and my family to be physically, mentally and spiritually ready for when that miracle comes to pass.

This will be a small part of the journey, but definitely an important one.  I can feel it.

family pictures 2013

Here they are.  We are happy with them.  Love my family!

We picked this picture as one of the 20 out of 100 we could have chosen, because of William's face.  It makes me laugh my head off every time.  He is laughing really hard, and when he does, this is the face we see.  Priceless!

Luke 17 mo.

William 3

Sam 6

Mary 8

hide and seek

William is absolutely hilarious to play hide and seek with.

Here is a time he was playing it in the mountains.

And here is this morning, playing with me.

I guess it is hard to hide a huge body with a head full of poofy white hair.

Oh, I love William.

woes of the color blind

After spending forever in his room trying on clothes, Sam finally came down the stairs wearing this.

He said, "hey mom, do you know why it took me so long to get changed?"  It's because it took me a long time to find a green shirt to go with my green striped pants!"

I just smiled and told him good job.

Oh dear.

one year

Yesterday marked one year that we have lived in Heber.

I am so grateful for the decision we made to move here. 

It is the best place for our family to be.  It is the place for us.

We love the mountains and the lakes that surround us.  We love the community, and the cute little local shops everywhere.  We have awesome neighbors, and a wonderful ward.  Our kids have been blessed by awesome teachers and a wonderful school that still has values and beliefs in good things.  We are able to bless them with the open, carefree, play in the streets, night games, barefoot running, rock throwing, bike jump making, creature catching, childhood that we remember and cherish.  We are absolutely in love with our home here, and feel so blessed to have it, and to share it.

We had plans of celebrating our year mark by hiking in the gorgeous mountains, and eating at the best ice cream place in the world, Dairy Keen.  Yes, "Keen, not Queen." 

Instead, we had to lie low, due to the circumstances.  We will be sure to celebrate it soon.  Moving here is definitely something worth celebrating.

Yes, things may be hard right now, but wow, we sure are blessed, and know the future is bright.

good hands

The past few days have been hard. There is no getting around that.

But, aside from the hard, there have been so many moments of peace, hope, beauty and love.  All of them brought about by loving, serving, good hands.

I have had 3 Dr. visits in the past 2 days, and my doctor is 20 minutes away in Park City.  No big deal really.  The drive is always gorgeous.

This time of year, Heber and the areas surrounding are unbelievably gorgeous.  At times, it really is breathtaking.

I as drove home from my first appointment, where I learned my baby was no longer living inside of me, I was extremely sad and heavy hearted.  As I cried, and let myself try to get out the pain, before I had to come home and be strong for my children and family, I drove up the hill, and was hit with the most gorgeous sight I have seen so far.

 The scene before me was so serene, beautiful, unreal, and gorgeous, that for a few minutes I let my soul bask in it all, and I felt peace.  The fall colors were everywhere, up the sides of the mountains, down in the valley, on the trees surrounding the road , all over the rolling hills. The winding river through the fields of horses and barns was so peaceful.  The majestic snow capped mountains seemed to be singing to the heavens. How could I not feel hope and peace. There was beauty all around me, and the God that was helping me and healing me, had created it all, with his hands.

I wiped my tears, and the Lord whispered once again to my broken heart that the world was good, God was good, I would be OK, and there would be peace.

I made that same drive 4 more times yesterday, and each time it calmed my heart, dried my tears, and filled my soul with peace.

Another tender mercy was the D &C.  I have had two before this one, and each of them ended up with complications.  I bled too much during one, and the doctor tore my uterus and I ended up having full surgery with the other one.  I was nervous for this one.

It went without a hitch.  The old sweet, sweet nurse even numbed my hand before the IV.  I will forever be thankful to her for that.  She had a sweet personality, and really cared for me and sympathized with me.  She talked to me, hugged me, and covered me with warm blankets fresh from the dryer. I knew that with her, I was in good hands.

There were no problems, all went well, as usual I gave the "sandman" a scare when I didn't fall asleep in the allotted 10 seconds they always predict it will take for the "happy juice" to begin working.  He gave it to me in my room, but I made it all the way into the OR, and even had time to look around a little, before I zonked.  Cold, creepy place. I got to come home very soon after it was over.  I am very grateful that it went well.  I never want to do that again, but I am glad it went well. 

As I was in the elevator, headed up to one of my appointments, my heart was again heavy.  During the few short seconds I was in the elevator, God filled my soul with peace, and told me that one day I would be this same elevator, going to this same office, and I would be feeling some of the most wonderful joy I could possibly have.  The feeling was so powerful, that I actually went from feeling heavy hearted to happy and almost even excited for the future. 

This appointment and the D & C were with a doctor that I have felt prompted to see for some time now.  I hadn't met here before this miscarriage, but I knew that she was the one I needed to call when I started noticing problems.
During my appointment with her, I could feel and know that she was going to be the one that is going to get my baby here to me.  She is a specialist in high risk pregnancies, and told me that when I go back in a few weeks, we are going to figure out my health history, the issues my body has been having, my ability to conceive and carry a child, and we are going to set things right. 
Just by looking over my history the past few months, she picked up on a few things that no one else has.  She is going to be looking into them. The Lord let me know that she was the one.  I will be in good hands with her.

Ben has been by my side through it all.  With Priesthood blessings, sharing the tears and the sorrow, getting sitters for the kids, helping me get around, and always open for a big hug, his hands have also been carrying me.  He had a sitter lined up, and when I got home from the hospital, after a nap, we went to dinner.  I was sore and drugged up, but I needed to get away for a while.  It was a peaceful, restful dinner, where we were able to talk, and just be.  With Ben, and I always in good hands.

My mom has been calling and texting non stop.  She sent me flowers and has shed tears for me.  I have received an overwhelming number of comments of love and support on Facebook, as well as in person, from so many people.  We have received notes, and goodies as well.  I know that with my mother, and my neighbors and friends, I am in good hands.

Ben's mom has also been calling and texting.  I can feel her love and sorrow for us as well.  She is a dear, sweet lady, and I know that with her, I am in good hands.

This morning I woke up heavy hearted.  As I was pondering how I was going to handle the day, and be happy for my children, William told me to look out the window.
For whatever reason, I have always loved the sight of hot air balloons, and the sky was full of them.  They look so happy, so fun, so peaceful, and so light.  That feeling spread to my heart.  I am so glad for my children, that can so easily find things of joy and light.  With my children, I am in good hands.

...So do not fear, for I am with you; do not

be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my

righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:9‐10

someday it will be

Yesterday, I learned that we lost our baby.

This afternoon I will go to the OR for a D &C, and this pregnancy will come to an end.

Before going to the doctor yesterday,  I prayed with everything in my heart for this not to be the case.  I was having some signs of miscarriage, but I was clinging on to hope, the hope for a miracle. 

I did not receive the miracle I was begging for.  Instead, I received a blanket of comfort wrapped tightly around me, and knew I was going to need it.  God heard me.

There are so many words to say, but not really any at all.  Grief really has no words.  Just pain.

I am heartbroken.  I feel shattered.  I feel like my body is broken.  I feel tired, in so many ways.

My baby was just over 9 weeks.  I have been pregnant for 10.

This will be my 4th miscarriage, my second one that went past 9 weeks.  The number of times someone goes through this does not diminish the heartache in the least.  It just re-opens the scars.

But...

God has never left me.  I have been blessed these past two days with hugs from people here, and on the other side, who care about me and want me to know it will be ok.

I know deep down in the most quiet parts of my heart, that I have a child trying to make it's way to me, to us.

This child has been in our home the past week.  Before I knew my baby was no longer living inside of me, I felt my child close. Looking back, it all started around the time the doctors say the baby's heart stopped beating.

I have felt the love and the sweetness of it's spirit.  I have felt it very strongly this week.  In the moments the past few days, when I knew my child was here, I had no doubt.  It was a clear and warm as the sun shining through my window.  It has been sweet and precious.

I have felt this sweet spirit with me before, years ago, helping me through one of the hardest times in my life.  It was a few weeks after a miscarriage at 16 weeks, on my Birthday, that went horribly wrong in every way.  The time I felt this spirit  was one of the most spiritual moments I have ever had in my life.  It was so powerful in fact, that my shattered heart and spirit mended that day in a way that was nothing short of a miracle. 

  I know that someday, and somehow, this spirit will one day physically be in our home.  God has never once let me doubt that.

 This baby has a specific purpose in our family and on this earth.

The time just has to be right. 

I guess I have other lessons to learn, other ways to grow through pregnancy.  We don't always learn all about pregnancy and the gift of life by actually having our babies be born.  No, there is so much more than that.  Sometimes loss can teach us more than getting....if we let it.

The Lord knows my pain, and he is already wrapping his arms around me and comforting my once again, broken heart.  A heart broken in a way that only a mother of an unborn child can feel.  He has filled me with hope and a strength that is not my own to muster right now.  He has given me precious moments that have let me know he is here, along with others un-seen, but not unfelt, and there is hope.  He is here by my side.

It just wasn't time.

But someday, it will be, and that is what I hold on to.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my

thoughts than your thoughts.”

 Isaiah 55:8‐9

coats

The past few weeks, as I have sent Mary and Sam out the door in the mornings to catch the bus, I have noticed that we are continuously missing coats, jackets and sweaters.  I open he closet to grab a jacket for Sam, and nothing is there.

They all seem to be ones that Sam has worn recently.  I have told Sam over and over again to make sure he brings his jackets, or sweaters, home with him.  I figured he was bringing them home, but they were just misplaced somewhere else.

Sam is a very smart kid, and is usually not absentminded.  This morning however, was a little nuts as a rushed the kids out the door with a prayer and a kiss, and sent them on their way.  Sam was wearing Mary's purple jacket, because we absolutely could not find any of his jackets that fit him, or Williams.

30 minutes later, as I was cleaning up from the chaos of the morning, I saw Sam's homework folder on the counter.  It was due today.  Rats!

After dropping William off at preschool, I went to Sam and Mary's school to drop off Sam's homework.  After checking in, the ladies at the office told me I could take it so Sam myself.

When I got to Sam's classroom, the class was at PE, but Sam's teacher was there.  She is the most cute, bubbly, interactive teacher, and I have grown to really appreciate her and the awesome teacher she is.  She was glad to see Sam's homework, because it meant that the class qualified for the pizza party that day.  I was glad that I decided to go ahead and bring it.  I almost didn't.

I gave her Sam's homework folder, and then as a side note, asked her if I could check the coat rack to see if Sam's missing jacket was there.

She told me that there was a box under the rack full of things that are left there.

She handed me the box, and I couldn't believe it.  Every single jacket, sweater and coat in there was ours!!!!  There were 5 total.  3 were Sam's, one was William's missing sweater that Sam must have worn one day, and one was Mary's sweater that has been missing for weeks.  I guess he wore that at one point too.

Sam's teacher about died laughing when I told her the entire box belonged to us.  I laughed right along with her, but was also a little embarrassed, because I was there in the first place because Sam forgot his homework.  It just didn't seem like Sam.  But it sure was.  I had a box of 5 coats to prove it.

This is the pile, minus one that I left at school for Sam to come home in.

As I was chuckling with the teacher and walking out the door, she said, "Oh, we have had this stray lunch box here for about a month now, any chance this is Sam's?"  I turned to look where she was pointing, and there sat Sam's lunch box that has been missing since the first week of school!  He has been using Williams since then.

I was speechless at that point.  I was really hoping the teacher didn't start thinking I was just stealing all of this stuff.  Seriously!  I began contemplating monthly visits to the school to make sure Sam's entire closet doesn't end up there.

Silly boy!

master mind

Sam is my little guy bursting with big things inside of him.

I learned at our parent/teacher SEP's that he is a smarty pants, especially in math.  I was not surprised, and I was proud of him.  His teacher said that she can tell he focuses really, really hard in school.  So hard in fact, that he literally gets tired, and she has to give him pieces of a granola bar to keep him going until lunch.

Sam is very meek, and he is soft hearted.  He can almost come across as a little, shy, mild kid.  He is not shy at all, he is actually extremely literal, but has no malice.  He will tell you exactly how it is, but without any guile or sour feelings.  He is just factual.  It actually has Ben and I laughing all the time, and throws us off guard every time.

He is soft hearted, but at the same time, he has a strong tough spirit in him, that will come in handy when needed.

He may be small, but let me tell you, on his bike, a scooter, roller blades, or a pair of snow skis, he is a force to be reckoned with.  It can be deceiving.

Sam began snow skiing at the age of 3, and he taught himself how to ride a bike without training wheels when he was 4.  He was riding 2 scooters, one on each foot, when he was 5.  He has been going for faster speed and more technical jumps and tricks ever since.

He has been the mastermind all summer when it comes to building bike jumps.  He has built jumps that even the older kids in the neighborhood, and maybe even his older sister, will shy away from.  Ever since the week we moved in, we have consistently had a bike jump of some sort, or parts of one in the making, on our sidewalk every day.

He thinks long and hard about how to build it, he collects the wood and pieces it all together, and spends hours, and sometimes days, building these amazing jumps!  He will then fly off of them full speed, and without fear.  At times, he will also do tricks with his bike in the air. 

I have a feeling that I will be very grateful that we have 2 nurses right here in our cul-de-sac. 

Yesterday, I looked out the window, and of course, Sam was crawling around the dumpster and finding all sorts of goodies to build a new jump with.  We are in the perfect area right now for finding lots of wood!  Houses are being built all around us!

He is actually not allowed to climb into the dumpster, but there is always tons of wood that falls out, or the older kids climb up and throw it down to him.

He then began constructing a crazy cool jump.

This is only half way finished.  I did not get a picture of the finished product.  There were walls going up the sides where the two slabs of wood are poking out on the right.

 Do you see the window well/metal tunnel in the background, across the street in the above picture?  Sam rode his bike at that full speed, while I was screaming at him to watch out, in horror.  When he got to it, he ducked down below his handle bars, and flew right under and through it.  I almost died, he thought it was awesome.  Seriously!

It took him almost an hour to build.  It is much higher than what it looks like in the picture.  Those rocks are very big.

While Sam was building, Luke was outside doing this.

He is so stinkin' cute!

 

He would spend all day outside if I let him, just like the others.  He must have walked a mile by the time he was done pushing this car up and down the road, over and over again.

 

Back to Sam...

This jump was a gap jump, where you go off the jump, clear some air, and then come down on another ramp.  It was nuts!  Of course, Sam tried to do some tricks while I the air, but he almost crashed once, and I made him stop.  My nerves and my nausea couldn't take it.  He just tried it with a scooter instead.  Not any better.  I finally just went inside, while he did the jump about 20 more times, and lived to tell me all about it.

Sam did it over and over again, faster and faster each time.  His little tongue out, and his face all scrunched up in complete determination.  He would land the jump and just grin and laugh.

I can only imagine what will be going down when he is just a few years older.  He is 6 right now.

Do I have an engineer in the making???  Or maybe just an X games, scare the fingernails right off your mother, break every bone in your body, do crazy cool tricks, type athlete in the making?

I vote for engineer.  Save the bones.

talking in the dark

While Mary and Sam are at school, it is just me, William, and Luke at home most of the day.  William has always been a good buddy, but now, more than ever, we have become great buddies.  I do try to get my work calls done, but I just break them up throughout the day.  Other than that, I try really hard to play with my boys and utilize the time I have with them.

Yesterday at breakfast, William asked me if I would play "talking in the dark" with him.

I had no idea what this game was, but I agreed.  He continued to ask me all morning as I got Mary and Sam out the door, Luke fed and changed, and myself ready for the day.

Finally, I asked him how to play.

He instructed me to take a bar stool up to his room and put it in the closet.  He then told me to turn off all the lights and close the blinds.  Lastly,  William sat on the stool in the closet and had me put his superman cape on (he is color blind and thinks his blue cape is green, so it is actually the hulk cape in his mind)  Luke and I sat on the floor, and William shut the door.

We sat there in the complete dark.  Then, William said, "So, what do you want to talk about?"

I almost bit my tongue off trying not to laugh my head off, but instead I just asked him the same thing.  He said he wanted to talk about monsters.  This was the game. Simple as that.  William just wanted to sit on a stool in his closet, wearing his cape, in the dark, and talk. hahahaha

I agreed.

Our game quickly turned from "talking in the dark" to a monster hunt...in the dark.  We ended up hiding in several closets, under blankets, in the basement, and in the bathtub, before I had to call it quits and put Luke down for a nap.

And so a new game is born.

Oh, I love the mind of a 3 year old. 

conference

We are rarely here at our house for General Conference.  Mainly because we don't have TV, so we are at the mercy of watching it on our computer, or going to my parents house.  We usually go to my parents house, and make a weekend out of it.

This year, I figured out a way to hook the computer up to the TV, and we had a HUGE week and we were all tired, so we stayed here.

I made the traditional sticky buns, and this crazy yummy egg/hashbrown/cheesy/sausage goodness.  We had a feast of a breakfast, and then settled in to watch conference.

Amazingly, the bingo game I made for the kids entertained them the entire Sunday morning session.  I did buy some amazing candy for it though.  I am missing sugar so much lately, so I am living vicariously through my kids when they eat it now.

The kids also did well the day before, during the Saturday sessions.  I was really proud of them.  The rule was that only Conference could be on, but they could be anywhere in the house doing quiet things.  No electronics, and no other TV shows. (I turned up the TV really loud, so it would blast through the whole house...hehehe)  It worked out well.

Between Sunday sessions, I had a HUGE and much needed nap with Luke, and Ben took the other kids on a gorgeous hike. 

Heber is so gorgeous right now, there really aren't even words to describe it.  The canyons, the mountains, the trees, the snow capped mountains in the background, everything, it is all just breathtaking.

I love living here.

Anyway, the kids loved the hike, and came home ready for the last session of conference.

Conference was awesome and so uplifting and inspiring.  I love how it always recharges me and helps me set new goals and gives me hope.  I didn't want it to end.

Our conference weekend here at home went really well, and I think we all really enjoyed ourselves.