My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Friday, September 26, 2014

miss molly... 2 weeks

Molly is 2 weeks (and 3 days) old!

She continues to be an extremely sweet baby, and compared to what we are used to, she is very calm.
She did show signs of acid reflux toward the end of her first week, so we got her on some meds that seem to be helping with the acidity of the liquid moving up and down her throat.
The medicine can "clog" her up, and has made for a couple rough days, but we have learned through experience, exactly how to "un-clog" her, so with the help of a little Miralax, all is well in poop land once again.

She is awake more often now, and she still loves to be held, cuddled, swaddled, and talked to.


She has an extremely special spirit and feeling around her, and it makes her very addicting to be around.  We truly can't get enough of her.  The connection she has to my heart is something that cannot be put into words, but is felt every time I hold her.  It goes beyond this earthly world.
She just makes you feel good when you are holding her, or near her.  Even the kids seem to notice it, and want to be around her.

Sam, who is our most meek and softhearted child, seems to notice it more than the others, and is always asking to hold her, and will not walk by her without kissing her head or squeezing her hand.  It is very cute.

She had her 2 week appointment a few days ago, so here are a few stats.
She is 7 pounds 12 oz (38th%)
21 1/4 inches long (92nd %)
Head circ. 14 in. (63rd%)
She eats about every 3 to 4 hours, and she takes in about 2-3 ounces.

Even the doctor seemed to hold her a little longer, and couldn't help but smile as he looked at her.
He referred to her as a "very sweet and precious being."  I agree.

She is doing great, and we are trying to soak in her infancy as best we can.

We love you Molly Grace!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

juice boxes into pancakes

This morning, I made pancakes for breakfast.  I was extremely tired, and in a little rush to get the kids out the door.  We were very low on milk, and cereal was not an option, so I decided to just bite the bullet and make pancakes. 

Due to gestational diabetes, I was deprived of pancakes for the past 6 months, so I was looking forward to eating a few of my own as well.

I made, what I thought, was a ton of pancakes, and went about feeding the kids, and all of the hustle and bustle that entails.  I tried to set two pancakes aside for me, but each time I went to my plate to take a bite, they were gone.

I was rationing what was left of the milk, so that we could all have at least half a glass.  After all, who wants to eat pancakes without milk?  I tried to set aside a cup for myself.

Every single time I tried to eat, or get a drink, someone needed more syrup, help cutting their pancake, a drink, I needed to flip more pancakes, or something had spilled.  The normal breakfast stuff.

Finally, when all was said and done, and the breakfast tornado blasted it's way through the kitchen, I went over to my plate of pancakes.  They were cold, soggy, and pretty much gross.  I decided to just eat them anyway, but right at that moment, Luke wanted one more.  I sighed, and gave him one of mine.  The good one.  The other one had pretty much disintegrated from the syrup, and had to be thrown away.

I tried to tell myself it was fine, and I would just have toast instead, after I made lunches for the kids.  We had two slices of bread left after I made the kids lunches.  I had been deprived of toast the last 6 months too, so this would be yummy as well. 

As I grabbed the bread slices, to put them in the toaster, Mary reminded me that she needed an extra sandwich today, because she is staying after school to help with the book fair.  I quickly threw together her sandwich with the last two pieces of bread. So much for toast, but at least Mary wouldn't be hungry after school.

I then decided to just have instant breakfast with my small glass of milk.  I had also been deprived of that for 6 months, and instant breakfast does have lots of vitamins.

As I reached for the milk, Ben apologetically let me know that it was gone.  He didn't realize that I still had not been able to eat or drink anything yet, and had finished off the milk.

I quietly said that it was ok, I drank one of the kids nasty juice boxes for breakfast, and for whatever reason had to fight back tears for the next little while.

I could not figure out why I was so upset, when it hit me. 

This breakfast was a symbol of everything I have been doing the past two weeks. 

Giving everything.

I have been giving all of me, and all that I have, to  try to keep my family above water while we all adjust to the arrival of our sweet Molly.  I am trying to give everyone what they need, just like the good, warm, filling breakfast, and when all is said and done, there are times when there is nothing left for me but a juice box and all of its empty calories.

I have come to learn, that this is what being a mother is, and somehow, God helps that small nasty juice box, be good enough and filling enough, to get me through the day.  God is good.

As we prepared for Molly to join us, Ben and I were mentally preparing ourselves for another colicky baby.  All of our newborns have had stomach problems, and have had sever colic from 3 weeks up to 9 months.  We were as prepared as we could be, when Molly finally arrived.

Imagine our joy and shock, that so far, Molly has been wonderful, and has not cried for more than about a total of 30 minutes each day.  That beats the 9+ hours of crying we are used to.  It has been such a blessing, and we do not take it for granted.

In all of this preparation for Molly's arrival, I never once thought that the biggest challenge would come in the form of the adjustment the other kids would go through.

To be honest, I have never even noticed any adjustment problems when our babies have come.  It may be because the newborn is so difficult, that I have not been able to focus on much else, or because God blessed the other kids with great behavior, because he knew how terribly challenging a constantly screaming newborn was. This time around, it has been completely different.

This has completely thrown me, and has really changed the way I mother and parent. 

I thought I was sacrificing and giving my all before....boy was I wrong.

Immediately after arriving home with Molly, I noticed that Luke was definitely "off."  He was being extremely loud, demanding, and throwing tantrums right and left. A few days later, Mary and Sam started acting up at random times, and over tiny things.  Sam threw a tantrum that I have not seen from him, ever, over changing his shirt.  Mary would burst into tears over the smallest things. William began yelling, and hitting way more, and Luke and William began fighting constantly. 

I felt like my family was sinking all around me, and I didn't know what on earth to do about it.  It was a horrible feeling, and so extremely difficult.  With Molly being so good, our schedule really wasn't that different, and we weren't paying any less attention to the kids. I was pretty confused with the chaos unfolding at every turn.

Either way though, a baby brings change, and obviously, however small I thought it was, it was having a huge impact.

I spent a lot of time on my knees, and with the help of a loving Heavenly Father, I have been slowing learning how to meet the needs of each of my individual children in a greater light than I have ever known.

I have also been blessed, somehow, with the time, strength, and energy to meet these needs, and also meet the needs of a newborn.

With all of these blessings I have been given, I have been asked to give something in return...

All of me.

Mary needs time.  She needs a listening ear, with undivided attention.
Sam needs to be praised, played with, and watched when doing his sports or bike jumps.
William needs alone time, and lots of physical touch.
Luke needs tons of hugs, kisses, and time being held.
Molly needs to be touched, fed, looked in the eyes, talked to, burped, and snuggled.
Ben needs hugs, time, words, and sleep.

With some sleep depravation (though not nearly as bad this time around), soccer twice a week, karate twice a week, homework, tumbling twice a week, Ben working in the yard all evening, parent teacher conferences, karate promotion, juggling feeding a baby while entertaining a 2 year old and 4 year old, being home bound with said 2 year old and 4 year old, making meals, keeping up on laundry, keeping up on dishes, keeping up on cleaning the house, walking William to and from the bus stop twice a day, and trying to deal with the added fighting and emotions in the house...

I am noticing that I am spending any possible extra minute or few minutes, where I am not doing one of the above thing, trying to meet the needs of whoever happens to be around me at that moment.

Normally, I would grab any spare minute or second to try to rest, regroup, or just do nothing at all.  Now, I am filling those spare moments with trying to fill the cups and meet the needs of my family, in order to smooth out the transition and help my children know they are each individually loved and special.

I am literally giving all of me, every second I have.

As crazy as this sounds, and as tiring and hard as it is, somehow I am noticing that as a mother, I am growing and enjoying motherhood more in ways I did not notice before.
  It is harder than ever before, and more exhausting than ever before, but somehow, I am being strengthened more than ever before.

In focusing more on meeting these important needs of my family, I feel more fulfilled, and I am bonding more with my children.  Everything has become deeper and more enriched.

I am tired, but I have been strengthened.
I am so short on time, and yet seem to always have enough of it to get everything done.
I am stressed, and yet, I have an underlying sense of peace that I am fulfilling my diving calling as a mother to it's fullest potential right now.
I am humbled and weak and worried that I am not good enough, but yet I feel a sense of divine power, encouragement and importance in my role, more than I ever have before.

It seems that the more I give and the more I try to mother and nurture these 5 precious gifts I have been given, the more I am strengthened and blessed.  We are slowly getting our feet back on the ground, one day, and one moment at a time. And we may just come out of this closer and stronger than before...if we let it.

 God makes the tiny moments in the day where I just barely catch my breath, or where I can try to meet the needs of a family member, be good enough and strengthening enough, for me to keep going and to keep giving, and for my family members to feel loved and fulfilled.

He will turn my juice boxes into pancakes, as long as I keep making them.

Monday, September 22, 2014

blue belt

On Friday, Sam had his promotion for karate.  He moved up to a blue belt!  He is doing really well in karate.  He is becoming a leader in his class, and is showing a lot of discipline and skill.  I am proud of my Sammy Boy.

His instructor Mr. Jonathan, and Mrs. Malia are phenomenal teachers.  Sam has a great time in karate, and is learning so much.

Go Sammy Go!

tis the season

Fall is definitely here. 

Fall and spring are my favorite seasons.  I love the feeling each season brings.

Fall always brings gorgeous colors, excitement of school, football games, sports, pumpkin treats, apple cinnamon candles, perfect weather, and cozy decorations.

This year, fall also brought us a baby. :)

As my family gets a little older, fall brings our busiest time of year.

This past week was pretty intense with our new baby and new schedule, but we are doing our best to make things work.

Soccer started for Mary and Sam.  They have games twice a week.  They both love soccer...especially Sam!  It is an awesome sport. We are excited to see how this season turns out for them.

Luke wanted in the picture, he even dressed up for the occasion. ;)

Soccer games are twice a week, tumbling for Mary is twice a week, Mary has cheer once a week, and Sam has Karate twice a week.  We also have homework, school activities, preschool for William and a yard to get in by Wednesday. 

um...yeah.  Kind of busy.  Probably not the best timing right after having a new baby, but we are doing our best.  It can definitely get overwhelming fast, but it has also only been 2 weeks so far.  Hopefully things will smooth out a little.

So there you have it, our schedule for the next few months.  Happy fall everyone!


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

miss molly...week one

I have been contemplating writing this post for a few days, but I seem to be at a loss for words when it comes to my feelings of this first week with Molly.

She is exactly one week old today.

All I can really think of, is that we definitely have a piece of heaven in our home. 

Molly has filled our hearts and our arms in ways we could not have even imagined.

I love all of my children fiercely, and I don't want this post to sound like I am any more or less in love with any of them, but this post is about Molly, so I will try to convey my feelings for her.

In the hospital, I was recovering from the shock of her delivery, and just from the usual fatigue and emotions of giving birth.  It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that Molly was finally here.

That all changed once we got her in to our home..where she belongs.

My heart is hooked to Molly in a way that is so hard to explain.  We have already been on a journey together, but a spiritual one up to this point.  To have her here physically, is almost so precious and sweet, that I literally can hardly be away from her.

I find that I can't go very long without holding her, looking at her, or just giving her a quick kiss.  I just yearn to be near her and to hold her close.

When ever I hold her, look at her, or stare into her sweet eyes, my heart almost hurts from the bond and the love that I have for her.  It has been one of the most sweet, precious and special weeks of my life. 

Maybe it is because she is our last baby, but I find myself almost panicking when I think of her growing or changing at all.  I feel like I have to soak in every single little moment of her infancy. I can hardly stand the thought of her growing out of infancy, or even changing at all.  Even the fact that she is one week old, can make me sad if I let it.  I just want my baby to stay just how she is.

Of course, there is always the adjustment of being home with 5 kids, the three younger ones especially, hormone changes, anxiety, and the adjustment the other kids are going through.  It has not been all peaches and cream, but with the help of my mom here this past week, and with Molly's amazingly calm and sweet disposition, it has been better than expected.

We have worried so much that Molly would have some of the stomach issues and colic that the other kids had to deal with as newborns, and infants.  So far, Molly has had a very calm and sweet disposition.  It has been wonderful, and we are praying that it will continue.  She has such a peaceful and sweet feeling about her.  It has made it so much easier to continue to take care of the other kids, and try to keep their lives as normal as possible.


The other kids are doing well and have been troopers with all of the change.  They each have had their own little adjustment period, but they have been so welcoming and loving toward Molly. The kids all love to hold her, feed her, and look at her.  They are all so sweet with her, and they can feel that she is something special and fresh from heaven.  I love to see my children loving and welcoming their new sister with such tenderness.

We are so grateful that Molly is here, and our home has truly been blessed this week with her presence.  My heart is full.
What a sweet, special and precious being we now have in our family.
I am so blessed.

We love you Molly Grace, with every part of our hearts.

Some fun facts about Molly:
She loves her hat.  If she is fussy, I just put her hat on her head, and she calms down.
She loves to be swaddled tightly and cuddled.  She is extremely snuggly and is happiest when completely covered in clothes and blankets.
She eats about 2 oz right now, every 3-4 hours
She recognizes our voices, and tries to look to where a voice is coming from.
She has dark brown hair...for now anyway. :)
She had her first photo shoot this week....thank you Heather Crist at Lovely Image Photography for the precious pictures on this post.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

dear sweet carbalicious breakfast...and a funny story

This is my breakfast this morning!

2 whole grain gluten free pancakes, smothered in some crazy good fruit spread and syrup.
One whole grain gluten whatever blueberry muffin. 
One crazy good zuchinni carrot random grain something muffin.
(can you tell the hospital is in Park City yet)
A fruit berry smoothie with some random kind of herb or grass or something in it.
And the best dang yogurt, berry, granola, fruit parfait I have ever had in my entire life!

I had the same thing yesterday morning, and seriously grinned from ear to ear with every single bite.  Two days ago, I would not have been able to eat any of these things.

I don't care about all the gluten, grain, kale, whatever that this stuff is full of.  I am glad it is healthy though.  I am just beyond thrilled to be able to eat any of these things, and it all tastes so flippin' good!

Heaven I tell ya, heaven.

And now for a little story:

My first night here, a piece of carrot cake was brought to my room, along with my dinner.  I was so exhausted when I ate dinner, that I really didn't care what it was, I just ate.  But the carrot cake got my attention.  It was amazingly good!  I pounded it down way too fast, and then was sad that I didn't have more.  I promised myself that I would order it the next day with my lunch.  So I did, and it was just as great as it was the night before.  Carrot cake...who would have thought?

So, I decided to order it for dinner too.  Can you tell I have been starved for sweet things for the past 5 months?  This time I decided to be sneaky and try to get 2 pieces brought up here.

I was too embarrassed to ask for two pieces, so I told the sweet Mexican lady on the phone that I had a visitor, so I needed an extra piece of carrot cake.  She told me that if both pieces were for just me, then it would be free, but since the second piece was for someone else, they needed to come pay for it. 

Normally, I would just say never mind, and settle for one piece, in order to spare myself more embarrassment.  But the cake is just way too good, and I am still so starved for sweet foods, that I did something completely out of character for me. 

I said, "you know what, there really is no one here.  I just love that cake so much, and really wanted an extra piece, but I was too embarrassed to ask."

There was silence for a few seconds on the line, and then this sweet lady just burst out laughing.  She laughed and laughed and laughed.  I was so embarrassed, but would chuckle every few seconds really awkwardly.  She continued to laugh even harder.  She thought it was absolutely hilarious and so amusing.

She then said, in her crazy thick Spanish accent, "I bring this to you myself.  You really funny.  I bring this myself."

I just groaned inwardly, said thanks, and hung up the phone.

Sure enough, 25 minutes later, I heard giggling from down the hall.  I knew it was the lady bringing my food...and cake.
There was a knock on my door a few seconds later, and more giggling.  The little Mexican lady, shuffled into my room with my dinner tray, and then, while giggling even more, held up two plates with a slice of carrot cake on each, and made a display of setting them in front of me.  She just laughed and laughed, and patted me on the shoulder...

then she left.

The cake was amazing!

The end.

after delivery

After Molly had a name, and things began to settle that day, little by little throughout the rest of the evening, I began to soak everything in.  At random times my arms would just ache to hold Molly, and I would pick her up and hold her to me and just let it absorb.   Other times, I would forget I had just had her, or just not be able to grasp that she was really here, and feel zoned out.  Each time I absorbed it though, it was wonderful, emotional, and amazing.

I was finally able to eat, and to be honest, I didn't care much about the meal.  My big exciting first carb meal came later.  That night, I just ate because I had too.  I was too tired to care much about it.  After Molly and I got our tummy's full, we crashed.

My family came later that evening.  The kids were so adorable with her!  My mom loved her and held her in a way that only a grandma can do, Mary, like me, was a little overwhelmed, so she was absorbing at her own pace, the love in her eyes was precious though.  Sam was the first person to want to hold her, feed her, dress her, and look at her.  William asked if there was another one in my stomach, and if we could go home, and surprisingly, Luke really wanted to "hold it."  When Luke held her, he was so soft and cute!  It was all so special and precious!
 I just observed and tried to grasp that my whole family was finally here.  I was also on some good narcotics. ;) 

Ben gave Molly her first bath with the kids here watching.  The nurses held off on her bath, in order to let the kids be a part of it.  Ben did it all nurses.  It made my heart flutter.  I married a good man.

After the kids got restless, the nurses treat closet was raided, juice was spilled, all the buttons on the bed had been pushed numerous times, and every machine in the room had been thoroughly examined by Luke, they decided to go.
 After everyone left, I held Molly to my chest, and just smelled her and breathed her in.  I found myself clinging to her numerous times, and thanking the Lord for her.  Just feeling like I could never get enough.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

the delivery

Our little girl is finally here.

She is just 26 hours old, and at the moment, is sleeping right here next to me.  I decided I had better take advantage of the moment, and document her birth, while the details are still fresh.

Of course, I hardly slept at all Monday night.  I was having consistent painful contractions (but that didn't ever get stronger or closer together...story of my last 2 weeks), and I was anxious, excited, nervous and every emotional possible about the induction.  My mom arrived that evening, I did a special little carb shopping trip just for me, and stocked up on all my favorite cereals, and all was set and ready to go. 

Finally, at 4:00am, after tossing and turning and contracting, I just got up for good.  We had to head to Park City for the induction at 5:00am anyway.

I puttered around the house, did an evil little sarcastic laugh as I ate my LAST carb starve breakfast, left a note for the kids, painted my nails pink (to celebrate our little girl's pending birth), took a last minute pregnant picture, followed Ben around in an anxious, annoying way while he got ready (thanks Ben for putting up with me), we prayed, handed a half asleep Luke, who had woken up,  over to grandma, and we were off.

It was foggy, stormy and rainy.  Perfect day to hunker down in a hospital and snuggle a newborn baby.

I joked with Ben about it being a full moon, and stormy.  Word has it that storms and/or full moons bring out all of the crazy labor and delivery experiences.  Little did we know....

It took a good 2 hours to do all of the paper work, get me all prepped, and finally start the Pitocin.  Right when they hooked me up to the monitors, the nurse commented on how I was already having contractions.  I just chuckled.  Yup, my previous 3 nights of no sleep could have told her that.

 I hate IV's, and was thrilled to have that over and done with right off the bat.  The nurse was great, and it really wasn't too bad.  I was happy that they put it in my forearm, instead of my hand.  I felt like I could move. They hooked me up to just saline, instead of electrolytes, because of my gestational diabetes, and we were on our way.

Then my blood work came back.  Not good.  My blood platelet count was 111.  Should be above 155.  This meant that my blood wasn't going to be the best at clotting.  I have a bad history of hemorrhaging during D&C's, and after labor anyway, so this was not reassuring to my OB, the nurses, or any of us.  During a terrible miscarriage 4 years ago, I lost 1/3 of my blood due to this very problem, went to the hospital via ambulance, and spent the next 6 months with mono, and severe anemia. 
They decided that I was going to get another IV in my other arm during this delivery, in case I ended up needing a blood transfusion.  Boo. Double whammy with the IV's, but grateful that I was in good hands, and in a hospital where I could get fast help if it was needed.

Normally, it takes hours for the Pitocin to kick in, so Ben and I settled in for the wait.  I got the Pitocin at 8:00, and by 9, I was actually feeling things!  Yippee!  It did help that my body had already been contracting anyway.

At 10:00 doctor Sabella came in and decided to break my water.  She did, and it was a little weird that there really wasn't much amniotic fluid.  No one is sure why, but not much "water" really came.  Dr. Sabella seemed a little shocked, but not at all worried, so I didn't worry either. It sure did get the contractions coming though.  In the next 30 minutes, I was very ready for the epidural.  I was so excited with how fast things were going.

  I have had 5 epidurals now, and the last one I had, I didn't even feel when it was put in.  It was awesome, and I was hoping for a  repeat of that experience.  Nope...this one took the cake.  Poor Ben, I can't believe I didn't break off his fingers with how hard I was gripping his hand and practically crushing it when I felt the "slight zings" go into my back. 

Why don't they just say it how it is.  "Slight Zing" is just a mockery.  Instead of, "here comes a little pressure," how about, "OK, I am now going to stab a big, fat needle into your spine, and you are going to feel like you are being tazered and stabbed. I am going to repeat this a few times."  "oh, and please don't move during this."  Geesh.   It was a grand old time feeling stabs, zings, and hard contractions while holding still.  But wow, it is sooooo worth it!  5 minutes of pain, to spare me hours of it later.  I'll take it.

Once the epidural was finally put in place, the anesthesiologist told me to tell him if my ears started ringing.  As if on queue, my ears starting ringing, and everyone started sounding really far away.  Then, I just wanted to go to sleep, right then.
I ended up having to have Ben and a nurse holding me up, while getting oxygen, and watching my blood pressure drop.  I am not exactly sure where I was, but it felt like I was floating away to somewhere nice. That was fun.  I came back though.
And yes, it happened twice.  Apparently, fainting, or almost fainting, can happen sometimes as the body reacts to the epidural.  Nice. There is a first for everything.

Once my bp was back up, my face had color again, I was completely numb from my belly to my toes, and the oxygen mask was put away, and Ben's hand was thoroughly crushed, I was tired.  I just wanted to sleep.

I got all cozy and ready to rest, when the nurse announced that it would be a good time to put in that second IV.  I felt like a human pin cushion, but it was nice to know that safety measures were being taken with the IV's.  After the epidural needle, this was nothing anyway.

Finally, Ben and I were able to rest.  I don't take this option to have a pain free labor for granted.  I feel blessed that live in a day where we can now choose if we want to feel the pain or not.

   For me, I enjoy my labors and births a lot more when I am not in pain, and can focus more on the joy of the occasion.  Others feel closer when they experience the pain and go natural.  To each their own.  No one gets a bigger or smaller reward depending on how they gave birth.  We all get the best gift of all in the end, a baby.  It is all amazing.

Anyway, as I was resting, the nurse checked me around 12:30, and I was at a 7.  I was very surprised!  That is fast for me.  She told me to keep resting, and that it may be time to push in a couple hours.  I laid back down, and Ben was just hanging out.  He is a good guy, and I love that he has been here with me through the births of our babies.

I was in and out of sleep, when I felt the baby shift a little.  She had been all on one side, and I remember feeling some relief that the pressure wasn't there anymore.  I just figured she had rolled a little.  I glanced over at Ben, and noticed that he had just laid down.  I was glad he was resting.  Then for some reason I looked at the clock.  It was about 5min after 1:00.  I glanced out the window.  The storm was raging, and it was my favorite, thunder and lightening.  It made me feel so comfortable and snug in our little room.  I closed my eyes, and began to doze.

Just a few minutes later, Robyn, my nurse, came in.  She said that the heart rate monitor had stopped picking up the baby's heart rate, so she needed to move it.  She lifted up the blanket that was on me, and her eyes became huge.  She got a very panicked look on her face, and then hurriedly and sharply  said, "oh my gosh!  There's a baby."

She then ran into the hall and yelled "code blue!"

Ben shot up off the couch he was resting on, my eyes flew open, and my heart literally froze.  If there was a baby in the bed, why was it silent, and how long had she been there?  I started repeatedly asking Ben why the baby wasn't crying, and I refused to look.  I couldn't catch my breath, and I started going in to shock. Ben wasn't looking either and was holding my hand saying, "I don't know."   It felt like an hour, but honestly it was probably 10 seconds, before the nurse came rushing back in, with the charge nurse coming after her.

With a shaky voice, near hysteria, I asked Robyn why the baby wasn't crying.  I still hadn't looked.  She quickly looked up at me and said, "It's ok, only the head is completely out, she is still attached to the cord and placenta, and doesn't need to cry yet."  The baby's head was out and face down on the bed. I still was not comforted. Robyn told me to do one small push.  I did, and the rest of our baby was delivered.

A few nerve wracking seconds later, I heard a small cry, that slowly got louder, and I literally let out a huge, shaky,  sigh of what was beyond relief.  Robyn immediately put our little girl on my chest.  She didn't put a blanket around her, cut the cord, or do anything.  She just put her right on me. 

Quick as a flash, our baby grabbed my finger and shoved it into her mouth.  The poor little thing had low blood sugar and was starving...because she was living off my diet, and my sugar was low at that point, and I was starving too.  I could completely relate, and was very amused by this thing we already had in common, and had been battling together for months now.

At some point during all of this, the charge nurse called the baby a "he."  I asked the nurse if our baby was a boy, and they both said they hadn't had time to look yet.  I panicked again.

I was in complete shock.  We all were.  Less than 5 minutes ago, Ben and I were sleeping, and the nurses were at the station or doing their rounds.  Now, I was here holding my baby, that could possibly be a boy!  Finally, the nurse checked, and our little girl, was still our little girl.  Few!

A few minutes later Doctor Sabella, my OB, came rushing in.  She looked upset, but in retrospect, I know she was just very, very worried and shocked like the rest of us.  She had been in the middle of lunch, just waiting for the call in a couple of hours to come deliver our baby.  No one could have imagined I would go from a 7 to delivering our baby in 30 minutes.

She asked us what time the baby was born, and we all just kind of looked at each other.  We really didn't know exactly.  We assumed that the "shift" I felt was probably when her head was delivered, and luckily, Robyn came in about 5 minutes after that, discovered the baby's head was out,  and delivered the rest of her.  We all agreed that it was probably around 1:11pm. 

She asked the nurse a lot of questions on what happened, and Robyn did a great job explaining that the baby literally just came without anyone knowing.  The nurses had been watching my monitors at the station, and everything was perfectly normal.  Nothing at all indicated that the baby was ready to be born. Normally, there is a spike in the heart rate or contractions, but nothing had changed at all.

Robyn had done everything right, and had delivered our baby.  I prayed numerous times that afternoon and evening thanking God that Robyn was there. Dr. Sabella was happy with her, and let her know that, she was just very concerned.  It was a very, very big blessing that I didn't hemorrhage after delivering the baby's head, which was a very real and likely possibility.  No one would have known, before it was a very big disaster for me and the baby.

Dr. Sabella was all business for the next 20 minutes.  The nurse took the baby back, and Dr. Sabella  took extra precaution to make sure I wouldn't hemorrhage, she delivered the placenta (which somehow, in all the shock I was in, I recognized that she had just removed my gestational diabetes along with the placenta, and I mentally saluted it goodbye, ha!), injected me with lots of blood clotting stuff, and spent a lot of time checking every little thing for my safety, and for the baby.

 In the main time, it all began to soak in to everyone else.  The nurses were able to start chuckling about it, and even commenting and joking on the full moon, and the storm playing a part.  Ben and I were able to smile and realize how crazy it really was, and the feeling in the room became that of a place where a sweet baby was born.

I couldn't really even react.  I was in such shock.  I had literally delivered a baby in my sleep.  All of the terrible scenarios we had somehow avoided kept playing in my mind. I had thought the worst, and then received the best, all in about 5 minutes, and now here she was.  Here we were. 

I tried to soak it all in as I watched Ben cut the cord, and watched the nurses weigh, measure, poke, prod, dress, and take care of our baby.  I watched Ben as it all began to register with him.  I watched the emotion come over him, the look of love and wonder in his eyes.  I saw the tears, and felt his heart absorbing and welcoming our daughter into the world.  My love for him was very profound at that moment.

I, on the other hand, just felt numb.  I wanted so badly to feel it all, to soak it all in, but I just couldn't.  I just couldn't quite get my head around it all. 

Here was this moment we have been waiting for, for over 4 years now.  Here was our sweet baby that I had already known and felt for so long.  Here was the daughter that I have had so many amazing experiences with already. Here was this sweet daughter that had fought such a hard pregnancy with me.  We have already begun our journey, and we know each other. She was finally here, safe in our arms.  It was a very huge moment, but so huge, that I just couldn't quite get it all in. 

Finally, Ben carried our brand new daughter over to me.  She was sleeping peacefully and all swaddled up.  She had just finished chugging 35 mL of formula! 

He asked me what we should name her.  We said each name that we liked, while we gazed at her.  When we said Molly, it fit, and finally, my heart let something in.  It wasn't a huge rush of all of the pent up emotion, but it was a sweet, happy, peaceful feeling that we were holding a piece of heaven.
 Her middle name, Grace, was a given.  There is no way she would be here without the grace of God intervening more times than we can count.  We have been witnesses of this time and time with our sweet daughter, and could never deny it. 

Once she had a name, Ben handed her to me and I held our sweet Molly Grace in my arms.  My heart melted.

Our family is complete.  Our angel is finally here.

Molly Grace Maynard

Born 9.9.2014
7.5 ounces
21 inches
Delivered by Robyn, RN

Side note:  Word spreads fast, and Molly's delivery story has been an entertaining one going through this small hospital.  Every doctor, employee, food delivery person, pediatrician, OB, records person, and so on, asks if this is the baby that was delivered in my sleep.  We were famous for a moment.  Although, now the baby being born in the car at the stoplight right here, has taken front page.  Gotta love that full moon and a stormy night!

Monday, September 8, 2014

musings of the last day

Well, since the last post, we have had an interesting turn of events concerning our baby, and when and how she will come.

Yesterday, Sunday, I left my phone in my purse in the car all day, and didn't realize it until about 10:00pm.

When I got my phone, I had a bunch of missed calls and messages from various people. Most of which were friends and family asking if the baby was here.  :)   I have good people in my life.
 One message and call, was from my OB, Dr. Sabella.

I found it odd that she would call me on a Sunday afternoon, obviously not normal business hours, so I checked her message.

She informed me that there may have been some confusion about the induction I had cancelled, and  if I wanted, she could do an induction for me Tuesday morning...tomorrow.

A lot of my turmoil about being induced this time around, has been because Dr. Sabella was not going to be the one doing it.  It was scheduled with another doctor.  Dr. Sabella was not going to be available at all for the next 2 weeks. 

I also have just really, really, really wanted to experience going in to labor on my own.  For some reason, I have deeply wanted to have this experience with my baby, and my body...just once. It has been a really big deal to me.

The message from doctor Sabella last night, really jolted me, and threw me off guard.  It put us right back in the position of choosing between induction or not.  This time, with the induction being with my doctor, which has felt pretty important to us, and played a big role in our decision before.

I decided to wait until I called her this morning, and talked to her, before making any kind of decision last night.

I ended up in false labor the entire night, and did not get any sleep until 4:00 this morning.  The contractions were hard enough to keep me up, but not close enough to go to the hospital. The kids were up at 6:30.  Two and a half hours of sleep for me.  Rock on.

I talked to Katrina, doctor Sabella's nurse this morning, and there had been a mix up.  Somehow Dr. Sabella thought that I had transferred my care over to another doctor, therefore, she had scheduled my induction for yesterday with the other doctor.  She could have done it all along, but thought I didn't want her. 

Somehow, on Sunday, she realized there may have been a mix up (after me cancelling that induction), and called to double check, and to offer to do the induction herself.  The catch is that she leaves Wednesday, and will be gone for the entire next week.  Without the induction tomorrow, I have no chance of delivering with her.  She also wanted me to know, that with gestational diabetes, it is recommended not to go the full 40 weeks.  I can see why, the past 3 days, my blood sugar numbers have been horrible.

I had to choose between a guarantee of having the doctor we feel so strongly I need to have, and being induced tomorrow, or catering to my desire and strong need to go into labor on my own, and not having her be the delivery doctor.

Yes, I was forced to make a very big decision on 2.5 hours of sleep, being extremely down a frustrated with the false labor, and with the two younger boys being much more energetic, needy and demanding than normal, while also being sore from labor all night.  Combine that with all of the emotions and hormones flooding through me, and it was too much.  I finally broke down a few hours ago into a blubbering, snotty, snorting, crying mess, right in the middle of the garage while trying to get the boys out for a walk.  Enough is enough sometimes. William witnessed this scene, and walked up to me, patted me on the bum (the only place he can reach) and said, "It's ok mom, you are just tired." 

The morning continued to spiral downhill, and I wasn't even able to make it through a prayer for guidance, without being interrupted by crying, fighting, and demands for food, or help.  It felt like the boys were way more demanding and needy than ever.  Interesting how that happens, when I needed to be close to the spirit and making a big decision.  Satan really stinks.  I about lost my mind.  There was absolutely no way for me to pray, receive revelation, or really even try to figure things out, with the way the morning went.

I texted Ben and told him that he needed to pray and get the revelation for us, I wasn't in a position to make a decision or to have the quiet I needed for revelation.  I also was so tired and stressed that I couldn't think straight. I am so grateful for a husband that has the same belief and conviction as I do, and that I can completely trust to receive revelation for me and our family.  That was a really big comfort for me today. Thankfully, Ben received an answer.  It feels right, and I trust him completely.  I know it is what we should do, it is just hard.

We are going to do the induction tomorrow with Doctor Sabella.  It does feel right, and good, I just can't help but be so sad about probably not ever being able to experience going into labor on my own.  I don't know why it has been such a big deal to me, but it has, and I feel really sad about it.  Even though I feel sad, it is very different from feeling that the decision is wrong.  I can feel sad, but still know something is right.  It just makes it hard. 

I am still praying that somehow I can still go into labor on my own tonight, and have doctor Sabella there in the morning.  That would be the perfect scenario, but I also am putting it all I God's hands.  His ways are not always my ways, but it is the better way.  He has carried this pregnancy through to this point, and I know without any doubt, that it is only through His grace that our baby has made it through these past 10 months.  Why should I not trust Him now, with the delivery.

So, I guess this is my last day being pregnant...ever.  My last day eating the carb starve diet.  My last day ever having a baby in my womb.  My last day feeling the kicking and squirming of life inside of me.  My last day being hot, huge, uncomfortable, and exhausted from it all.  My last day feeling the deep inner joy and sacredness of pregnancy.  It is bitter sweet, and exciting, and sad, and exhausting, and happy, and confusing, all at the same time.

I am extremely grateful for the blessing I have been given to be able to conceive and bear children.  I know it is a gift and a blessing, and I do not take it for granted.  I am humbled by it all.

I can't believe my child bearing days are officially over tomorrow.  It hasn't sunk in yet.  What a surreal day. 

I guess now it is time to clean the house, stock up on my favorite cereals, await the arrival of my awesome mother who is coming tonight, and prep for the long awaited arrival of our precious daughter. 

See you tomorrow sweet girl.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

stupor of thought

I have officially reached my original due date today.  I have been given several due dates, as I have had quite a few ultrasounds, and each one shows a different due date.

My original due date was today, September 6th.  It was then changed to September 13th (a week from today) in my second trimester.

Our little girl has had a few phases where she hasn't grown for a few weeks, and therefore, at this point, is about 2 weeks behind in measurements.

She seems to be just fine though, it just messes with the due dates.

Anyway, I scheduled an induction at my last OB appointment.  It was set for Monday, yup, two days from now.  It was not going to be with my doctor, but she is on call until Monday.  Another reason I have really wanted to have our baby this weekend.

The non stress tests this month have all gone well for our baby, my body is more ready than ever (dilated to over a 4 now, baby's head is already engaged, and 90% effaced), and aside from measuring small, all seems to be fine. 

There is a score called the Bishop's Score, that they give you to tell how ready you are to be induced.  It goes from 1-10.  Anything above a 7 is good for being induced.  I am at a 10.

For whatever reason though, from the moment I set up the induction date, I have felt a sense of panic.  I have felt a huge pressure to get her here before the induction day.  I have felt uneasy about the whole thing, and instead of feeling excitement about knowing the exact day our little girl will be here, I have felt dread and worry.

This past week, three times, I had contractions for over 10 hours, 10 minutes apart, and then they stop.  Every time has been through the night.  Each time they leave me upset, frustrated and more panicked as the induction has come closer.

I even resorted to trying Clary Sage Oil, and lavender, which put 2 of my friends into labor last month.  I lathered myself up in it, rubbed it into my feet, rubbed it on the bump, and slept with a towel soaked in it by my pillow.

After soaking myself in this oil, I went on a big walk last night, and did cardio at the gym today for over an hour.

So far, all I have gotten from this, is a huge headache from the nasty smell, a good workout,  a lot of frustration, and a very nasty, oily body.

Today, I finally realized that there is a big chance that our baby was going to make it to induction day.  Something my doctors were almost positive would not happen.  They were so sure she would come this week.  I wasn't as sure as them, but I was hopeful.

I found myself panicking today when thinking of the induction in two days, instead of being excited.

My personality is a perfect fit for induction.  It is planned, I can have the pantry stocked, the house cleaned, the hospital bag ready, babysitters lined up, my mom ready to come.  To me, that gives me so much peace of mind.

This time around, even the worry about an unknown delivery day, possibly scrambling to find sitters in the middle of the night until my mom gets here, a possible messy house, etc., still hasn't made me feel better about getting induced.  In the past, it has been great.  I have no reason really to worry.

Today, after talking with Ben, and after sincere prayer last night, we decided to cancel the induction.

For whatever reason, our little girl needs to come when she comes.  My body and hers need the right timing...God's timing. 

Unless I have the baby by tomorrow night, I will not have my doctor.  This has worried me a lot, because I really trust my doctor, but I trust God more.  He will put the baby and I in good hands.

As I have stressed and worried about the induction, and trying to get her here before that, I have had all sorts of uneasy feelings and stupor of thought.  The scripture about having a stupor of thought when something isn't right has been rolling around in my head.

It was so interesting how, as soon as Ben hung up the phone with labor and delivery, cancelling the induction, I felt a huge sense of relief and peace come over me.

I still would love for our baby girl to come this weekend, today would be great, but I now feel excited and hopeful once again, and I am no longer feeling stressed to make any kind of deadline.

I have never just gone into labor on my own, so I don't know what to expect, especially with my body being this far along already, but I am excited to see what happens and I know that God has his hand in this.  I just really hope that giving birth in the store, or the car, are not in that plan.  :)

I am anxious to see what this next week will bring, and most of all, we are all pacing the floors waiting to get our sweet little girl here safely in our arms.

dirt, precious dirt

We have been waiting a LONG time for our yard to be at the point where we are finally ready for top soil.  The amount of rock removal has been astounding.  Ben has done pretty much all of it on his own, and it is a lot of work.

Top soil is the last step before grass, and we have been so anxious to get to this point.

So far, we have 11 loads, but it looks like we will need more. 

Luke was absolutely thrilled with the big trucks and tractors bringing in the dirt.  He was plastered to the windows and the porch all morning.  I was right there with him.  It may as well have been Christmas.

Once we get all of these piles smoothed out, it is hydro seed time.  Yes my friends, that would be grass.  Real, live, actual grass growing in OUR yard. The goal is this next week.

I may just wet myself!

Monday, September 1, 2014

canyons downhill race

Ben had his last downhill bike race of the season today.  It was in Park City at the Canyons ski resort.

My cousin's husband Morgan was also registered for the race, so we got to visit with Robin and Morgan and their kids on and off throughout the weekend.

I was not sure whether or not to take the kids up to the race, seeing how I am due any day now, and I wasn't sure how the parking and walking to the finish line with all 4 kids was going to be.

I decided to go though, and am glad we did.  We got a great parking spot, and there wasn't much of a hike at all.  The weather was perfect, and the kids had some buddies to hang out with. Even if there had been a crazy hike to the finish line, I am ready to do almost anything to try to get our little girl here!

It is important to me that our family supports each other in the things we do, so I really wanted to kids to be able to see Ben and support him.

We ended up finding Robin there, and getting a spot to sit right smack at the finish line!  We were able to cheer on Ben and Morgan as they came flying through the finish line, completing their runs with a jump.

Robin and I were relieved to see Ben and Morgan come down in one piece (well, kind of.  Morgan ended up needing stitches under his eye due to a crash).
Ben finishing his ride by going off a jump.

No one was able to do a warm up run today, and that definitely was not cool.  Ben did a great job, and went for it anyway.

Great job Ben, and good way to finish out your first competitive downhill season!