This afternoon I will go to the OR for a D &C, and this pregnancy will come to an end.
Before going to the doctor yesterday, I prayed with everything in my heart for this not to be the case. I was having some signs of miscarriage, but I was clinging on to hope, the hope for a miracle.
I did not receive the miracle I was begging for. Instead, I received a blanket of comfort wrapped tightly around me, and knew I was going to need it. God heard me.
There are so many words to say, but not really any at all. Grief really has no words. Just pain.
I am heartbroken. I feel shattered. I feel like my body is broken. I feel tired, in so many ways.
My baby was just over 9 weeks. I have been pregnant for 10.
This will be my 4th miscarriage, my second one that went past 9 weeks. The number of times someone goes through this does not diminish the heartache in the least. It just re-opens the scars.
God has never left me. I have been blessed these past two days with hugs from people here, and on the other side, who care about me and want me to know it will be ok.
I know deep down in the most quiet parts of my heart, that I have a child trying to make it's way to me, to us.
This child has been in our home the past week. Before I knew my baby was no longer living inside of me, I felt my child close. Looking back, it all started around the time the doctors say the baby's heart stopped beating.
I have felt the love and the sweetness of it's spirit. I have felt it very strongly this week. In the moments the past few days, when I knew my child was here, I had no doubt. It was a clear and warm as the sun shining through my window. It has been sweet and precious.
I have felt this sweet spirit with me before, years ago, helping me through one of the hardest times in my life. It was a few weeks after a miscarriage at 16 weeks, on my Birthday, that went horribly wrong in every way. The time I felt this spirit was one of the most spiritual moments I have ever had in my life. It was so powerful in fact, that my shattered heart and spirit mended that day in a way that was nothing short of a miracle.
I know that someday, and somehow, this spirit will one day physically be in our home. God has never once let me doubt that.
This baby has a specific purpose in our family and on this earth.
The time just has to be right.
I guess I have other lessons to learn, other ways to grow through pregnancy. We don't always learn all about pregnancy and the gift of life by actually having our babies be born. No, there is so much more than that. Sometimes loss can teach us more than getting....if we let it.
The Lord knows my pain, and he is already wrapping his arms around me and comforting my once again, broken heart. A heart broken in a way that only a mother of an unborn child can feel. He has filled me with hope and a strength that is not my own to muster right now. He has given me precious moments that have let me know he is here, along with others un-seen, but not unfelt, and there is hope. He is here by my side.
It just wasn't time.
But someday, it will be, and that is what I hold on to.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my
thoughts than your thoughts.”Isaiah 55:8‐9