The past few days, I have had time to ponder, pray, rest, regroup, heal, and dig deep to pull out my inner drive to keep moving on, in regards to getting our baby to us.
I have received a lot of help and guidance from the Lord, and I know that giving up would be the worst option. Even though, for a while there, I really wanted to just be done with this whole process.
After all, I have 4 beautiful children that I love with all my heart, and my life is full and blessed. I could easily be done right where we are, and move on with the family I have, IF I didn't have the knowledge that I have.
Ben and I know for certainty, and without a doubt, that there is a sweet and precious child missing, and yearning to be here. A child that has a very specific purpose and mission, and that will surely change our lives. How could I possibly turn my back. How could we turn our backs. There is no way. My heart is already given to this child, and until they are here, it will not be completely whole.
My body is slowing down, as far as baby making is concerned. Mother Nature decided to start this very early with me. That is no secret. Time is running out for me in this area. So, I do feel a sense of great urgency.
However, I do not feel rushed. In fact, I feel the opposite. This is NOT my nature, but it is a blessing I have been given after this last miscarriage.
Instead of counting down the days and minutes until I could possibly be pregnant again, and rushing the process, and being anxious and worried, I feel calm, peace, and a strong desire to use this time to heal, both heart and soul, and prepare my body in the best way possible to house one last baby. I am going to wait until I know for sure that the time is right.
I am going to talk with my doctor at my next appointment, and we are going to do everything we can to get my body balanced with the right hormones and vitamins, and fully rested in order to make the outcome as good as possible for when I am ready to be pregnant again. I know that my doctor will be guided to know how to help my body do this one last time. I don't know what all I am going to have to do, and what exactly is going wrong, but I know that I need to listen to her, and she will know.
I am going to go back to the gym, something I have been too sick to do for months now. I am going to get my hair done, buy some new clothes, celebrate the holidays, work, play, bond with my husband, build my faith and testimony, enjoy my family, focus on keeping my home a refuge from the storm, really enjoy not be nauseas, and enjoy this time of healing and recharging.
I feel that it will be a small moment, but I also feel that it is a very important moment, before the Lord will let me know when it is time to try once again.
We will need a miracle to get this baby here, but I am going to do everything in my power for me and my family to be physically, mentally and spiritually ready for when that miracle comes to pass.
This will be a small part of the journey, but definitely an important one. I can feel it.