But, aside from the hard, there have been so many moments of peace, hope, beauty and love. All of them brought about by loving, serving, good hands.
I have had 3 Dr. visits in the past 2 days, and my doctor is 20 minutes away in Park City. No big deal really. The drive is always gorgeous.
This time of year, Heber and the areas surrounding are unbelievably gorgeous. At times, it really is breathtaking.
I as drove home from my first appointment, where I learned my baby was no longer living inside of me, I was extremely sad and heavy hearted. As I cried, and let myself try to get out the pain, before I had to come home and be strong for my children and family, I drove up the hill, and was hit with the most gorgeous sight I have seen so far.
The scene before me was so serene, beautiful, unreal, and gorgeous, that for a few minutes I let my soul bask in it all, and I felt peace. The fall colors were everywhere, up the sides of the mountains, down in the valley, on the trees surrounding the road , all over the rolling hills. The winding river through the fields of horses and barns was so peaceful. The majestic snow capped mountains seemed to be singing to the heavens. How could I not feel hope and peace. There was beauty all around me, and the God that was helping me and healing me, had created it all, with his hands.
I wiped my tears, and the Lord whispered once again to my broken heart that the world was good, God was good, I would be OK, and there would be peace.
I made that same drive 4 more times yesterday, and each time it calmed my heart, dried my tears, and filled my soul with peace.
Another tender mercy was the D &C. I have had two before this one, and each of them ended up with complications. I bled too much during one, and the doctor tore my uterus and I ended up having full surgery with the other one. I was nervous for this one.
It went without a hitch. The old sweet, sweet nurse even numbed my hand before the IV. I will forever be thankful to her for that. She had a sweet personality, and really cared for me and sympathized with me. She talked to me, hugged me, and covered me with warm blankets fresh from the dryer. I knew that with her, I was in good hands.
There were no problems, all went well, as usual I gave the "sandman" a scare when I didn't fall asleep in the allotted 10 seconds they always predict it will take for the "happy juice" to begin working. He gave it to me in my room, but I made it all the way into the OR, and even had time to look around a little, before I zonked. Cold, creepy place. I got to come home very soon after it was over. I am very grateful that it went well. I never want to do that again, but I am glad it went well.
As I was in the elevator, headed up to one of my appointments, my heart was again heavy. During the few short seconds I was in the elevator, God filled my soul with peace, and told me that one day I would be this same elevator, going to this same office, and I would be feeling some of the most wonderful joy I could possibly have. The feeling was so powerful, that I actually went from feeling heavy hearted to happy and almost even excited for the future.
This appointment and the D & C were with a doctor that I have felt prompted to see for some time now. I hadn't met here before this miscarriage, but I knew that she was the one I needed to call when I started noticing problems.
During my appointment with her, I could feel and know that she was going to be the one that is going to get my baby here to me. She is a specialist in high risk pregnancies, and told me that when I go back in a few weeks, we are going to figure out my health history, the issues my body has been having, my ability to conceive and carry a child, and we are going to set things right.
Just by looking over my history the past few months, she picked up on a few things that no one else has. She is going to be looking into them. The Lord let me know that she was the one. I will be in good hands with her.
Ben has been by my side through it all. With Priesthood blessings, sharing the tears and the sorrow, getting sitters for the kids, helping me get around, and always open for a big hug, his hands have also been carrying me. He had a sitter lined up, and when I got home from the hospital, after a nap, we went to dinner. I was sore and drugged up, but I needed to get away for a while. It was a peaceful, restful dinner, where we were able to talk, and just be. With Ben, and I always in good hands.
My mom has been calling and texting non stop. She sent me flowers and has shed tears for me. I have received an overwhelming number of comments of love and support on Facebook, as well as in person, from so many people. We have received notes, and goodies as well. I know that with my mother, and my neighbors and friends, I am in good hands.
Ben's mom has also been calling and texting. I can feel her love and sorrow for us as well. She is a dear, sweet lady, and I know that with her, I am in good hands.
This morning I woke up heavy hearted. As I was pondering how I was going to handle the day, and be happy for my children, William told me to look out the window.
For whatever reason, I have always loved the sight of hot air balloons, and the sky was full of them. They look so happy, so fun, so peaceful, and so light. That feeling spread to my heart. I am so glad for my children, that can so easily find things of joy and light. With my children, I am in good hands.
...So do not fear, for I am with you; do not
be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my
righteous right hand.