Time is an interesting thing. It is never changing, but can feel so much like it is going too fast or too slow. Time has been a lesson learned for me this summer. No matter how much we kick and scream, how much we hope and yearn, and how much we think about it, time will never change, you can never take it back and you can never push it forward. We have to accept it for what it is and let time do its thing.
This week marks three months since we said goodbye to a child we never got to say hello to. The books say that the worst mourning over a miscarriage, on average, takes about three months. Of course, they don't take into account what happens if you lose the baby in the horrific way we did (at 16 weeks). It doesn't say anything about getting mono a few weeks later, or dealing with parents splitting apart one month later. It doesn't say much about losing 1/3 of your blood or getting constant cold sores and ear infections. I guess, the books don't really know much do they.
There is one thing I do know. It is the ever constant healing power of time. Good old time. My heart has been able to heal more than I ever imagined it would. Of course, we were very blessed with an incredible experience that let us know, without a doubt, what will become of our child. It is very personal and precious, but is it knowledge that I hold close to my heart and knowledge that brings me immense joy.
Before that experience, time was still for me. My memories are blurred and fuzzy. The pain I felt in my heart is something I will never forget, but other than that, time just blew on by like a wind that is so soft, you don't even notice it was there. During that first month, time meant nothing to me.
Now, time means everything to me. We all know the saying..you don't know what you've got till' it's gone. That seems to be stuck in my head. Yes, my heart has healed to a point, but it does not mean that I don't hurt every single day.
I was never the "baby hungry" type. Even when we knew it was time to bring Mary and Sam to this world and into our family, I was never yearning to be pregnant. Of course, I was overjoyed and so excited to be pregnant when it happened and I was excited to have a baby in our home ,but that is different. I obviously took some things for granted.
Now, when I see a baby, I can't help but stare and soak it all in. I think about what it will be like to have one of my own again. My arms begin to ache to hold my own baby. My heart starts to melt, and then it starts to hurt. I have to keep telling myself that "in time" that will be me once more. The only thing is that it makes time feel like it will never come, and that it is too far away. I want time to speed up and I long for my baby to be in my arms now. I have to force myself not to think of what could have been.
Same thing goes for pregnancy. I vowed this last pregnancy, that I would never be pregnant again. I was SSSOOO sick it was crazy. I was so miserable. I would look at other pregnant women and almost feel bad for them. Even after I have babies, I am so glad I am not pregnant anymore.
Now, when I see a pregnant woman or learn that someone is pregnant, I see it with different eyes. I LONG to have what they have. I see it for the miracle it is, and wonder if they do too. I am so happy for the person, and my heart feels joy, but then it hurts. I naturally wonder how big my belly would be by now. How many more weeks I would have had left.I know that in time, I will have a precious baby growing inside of me once more, but again, time feels so far away, and it is discouraging. If I am not careful the discouragement and frustration can lead to tears. Too many tears.
I now realize how incredibly fragile and miraculous pregnancy and babies are. It really is a miracle and I almost wonder if I will be lucky enough to have that miracle again. After seeing first hand, how easily it can all be lost, it almost seems impossible that it could all work out the way it should. But, it is the work of God, and with God all things are possible.
Why, oh why, does time have to tick by so slowly.
Time is not mine, it is God's. He is the only one who knows the right time for everything. Only He knows the best time for me. There is a time and a season for everything and everyone, and God knows. I have to hold on to that and have faith in it. Following my own time will only lead to more heartache and tears. God knows what is best for me and I have to follow His clock.
Time will tell all. For now, I just have to find other ways to enjoy the minutes ticking by. I need to make the most of the blessing I do have, which are many. In time, I will be pregnant again. In time, I will hold a precious infant, my precious infant, in my arms once again. All in time.