My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Time is an interesting thing. It is never changing, but can feel so much like it is going too fast or too slow. Time has been a lesson learned for me this summer. No matter how much we kick and scream, how much we hope and yearn, and how much we think about it, time will never change, you can never take it back and you can never push it forward. We have to accept it for what it is and let time do its thing.
This week marks three months since we said goodbye to a child we never got to say hello to. The books say that the worst mourning over a miscarriage, on average, takes about three months. Of course, they don't take into account what happens if you lose the baby in the horrific way we did (at 16 weeks). It doesn't say anything about getting mono a few weeks later, or dealing with parents splitting apart one month later. It doesn't say much about losing 1/3 of your blood or getting constant cold sores and ear infections. I guess, the books don't really know much do they.
There is one thing I do know. It is the ever constant healing power of time. Good old time. My heart has been able to heal more than I ever imagined it would. Of course, we were very blessed with an incredible experience that let us know, without a doubt, what will become of our child. It is very personal and precious, but is it knowledge that I hold close to my heart and knowledge that brings me immense joy.
Before that experience, time was still for me. My memories are blurred and fuzzy. The pain I felt in my heart is something I will never forget, but other than that, time just blew on by like a wind that is so soft, you don't even notice it was there. During that first month, time meant nothing to me.
Now, time means everything to me. We all know the don't know what you've got till' it's gone. That seems to be stuck in my head. Yes, my heart has healed to a point, but it does not mean that I don't hurt every single day.
I was never the "baby hungry" type. Even when we knew it was time to bring Mary and Sam to this world and into our family, I was never yearning to be pregnant. Of course, I was overjoyed and so excited to be pregnant when it happened and I was excited to have a baby in our home ,but that is different. I obviously took some things for granted.
Now, when I see a baby, I can't help but stare and soak it all in. I think about what it will be like to have one of my own again. My arms begin to ache to hold my own baby. My heart starts to melt, and then it starts to hurt. I have to keep telling myself that "in time" that will be me once more. The only thing is that it makes time feel like it will never come, and that it is too far away. I want time to speed up and I long for my baby to be in my arms now. I have to force myself not to think of what could have been.
Same thing goes for pregnancy. I vowed this last pregnancy, that I would never be pregnant again. I was SSSOOO sick it was crazy. I was so miserable. I would look at other pregnant women and almost feel bad for them. Even after I have babies, I am so glad I am not pregnant anymore.
Now, when I see a pregnant woman or learn that someone is pregnant, I see it with different eyes. I LONG to have what they have. I see it for the miracle it is, and wonder if they do too. I am so happy for the person, and my heart feels joy, but then it hurts. I naturally wonder how big my belly would be by now. How many more weeks I would have had left.I know that in time, I will have a precious baby growing inside of me once more, but again, time feels so far away, and it is discouraging. If I am not careful the discouragement and frustration can lead to tears. Too many tears.
I now realize how incredibly fragile and miraculous pregnancy and babies are. It really is a miracle and I almost wonder if I will be lucky enough to have that miracle again. After seeing first hand, how easily it can all be lost, it almost seems impossible that it could all work out the way it should. But, it is the work of God, and with God all things are possible.
Why, oh why, does time have to tick by so slowly.

Time is not mine, it is God's. He is the only one who knows the right time for everything. Only He knows the best time for me. There is a time and a season for everything and everyone, and God knows. I have to hold on to that and have faith in it. Following my own time will only lead to more heartache and tears. God knows what is best for me and I have to follow His clock.

Time will tell all. For now, I just have to find other ways to enjoy the minutes ticking by. I need to make the most of the blessing I do have, which are many. In time, I will be pregnant again. In time, I will hold a precious infant, my precious infant, in my arms once again. All in time.


Deanna said...

Bekcy, that was such a beautiful and heart-felt post. Thank you for sharing your feelings. You brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad that you know and can express what you are feeling, because you'll never know how much it is helping others, including me. Thank you!

Darci and Ryan said...

Thanks so much for sharing, you have an amazing way with words and can express yourself so well. I love reading your posts. Thanks!

Colleen said...

Lovely post, a miracle it all truly is! And time can definitely be a friend or a foe. Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts!

J&E said...

What a great post! And I love your new header for your blog. It represents you all so well!

I have an idea/favor to ask...
I have begun walking a little more vigorously, in the mornings and on Monday I tried to jog (that lasted about a block before I was gasping for breath, sad but true). I walk about 3 miles every day and would like to get to the point where I can jog all of that (I know that it is a work in [slow] progress). Do you have any training tips? Stretches I should do? Sunglasses, sports bras or deodorants I should wear? I'd love it if you'd share you're expertise in a "What Becky Thinks Erin Should Know About Learning How to Eventually Jog Without Needing an Oxygen Tank" kind of blog post. Or you could just shoot me an email! Hope you are well, and from this post it sounds like you are getting better and healing more and more all the time. Tell Ben our thoughts and prayers continue to be with his family.
Love - Erin
PS Sorry for the Looong comment

jamirclark said...

Thank you so much for the words you put out there for all to see. I too, actually a year ago in October, lost a baby just about the same timeing of your- almost same circumstances even. It's hard. Especially since Jeni, my TWIN, had almost the exact same due date and everything went well for her. It's still hard. Faith is lost that you're not sure will return, and there is an undescribable ache to hold the child that isn't here on Earth. Heavenly Father loves us, and through our faith, our trials are conquered. I recently found out that we are expecting once again, and although my faith has been restored, I am constantly pleading for a healthy, happy pregnancy. I cannot begin to describe how this trial has blessed our family, but I am grateful for the chance to have gone through it. Good luck! Everything will be all right. Heavenly Father is all knowing and all-loving.

Nayomee and Doug said...

You are awesome!! I didn't know you all had a blog...and I'm excited. I have been struggling with the time issue myself, but I'm trying to remember it is not on my time but the Lords.