My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Monday, September 21, 2009

love, Love, LOVE IT!!!

The past few days have been a little bit of a "woe is me day." Not full blown down in the dumps or anything, I have been just a little heavy in my heart. I think it is just the upcoming due date and of course, major baby mode happening all around me. 7 friends and several family members. Of course, I am happy for all if my beautiful pregnant friends and family members, and I love watching them be happy, it is just rough at times.

I am dealing with things in chunks. So much happened so quickly, and I didn't completely have the physical ability to deal with it all right away, therefore, I am finding that things come in chunks. I am healing up in some ways, and in other ways, I am still kind of raw. For example, it really sunk in today that I lost the baby on my Birthday! I finally grasped how crazy and almost unfair that was. It literally brought me to tears. I just haven't really let that part sink in yet. I have written about it, and talked about it, but I am good at telling things and writing things while not totally feeling them. Kind of silly huh. Is was just one of many Birthdays. I guess it just finally hit me, and it made me feel bad. Probably pretty immature. But at least, I finally let it sink in and dealt with it. One less thing to creep up later and bite me in the bum. Birthday...done.

Yesterday, I was missing my baby and was feeling like I was missing out on the excitement of having a big belly, feeling the baby move, having a baby shower, having Dr. appts. closer together, and getting excited for the due date that is actually coming up here pretty quickly. I was focusing on the "what could have been," and feeling really empty and alone. It kind of hit me lately that I won't be joining in all the baby celebration going on around me. I guess it is hard, because I was pregnant, and I would have been right where everyone else is right now. Kind of feels like the lone ranger, ya know. I kind of forgot to expect that and prepare for it, so I get to deal with it now. Another chunk. I am trying to plan something to do on Nov. 15th (the due date), it might be a little rough. I want to be prepared for that one. So, obviously, I have had a little bit if a heavy heart lately. Nothing horrible or life altering, just a hard moment here and there.

And then...this happened!




The fuzzy slippers came out.


The warm blankets came out.


The warm, yummy, heart-warming pumpkin bread with cream cheese frosting was made.


The house was scrubbed spotless and the Fall Decorations came out of the boxes. The house is totally decked out in "all things Fall" and the apple cinnamon smells are in place. The house is warm, cute and cozy.



The snow came!




And life suddenly got all better again.

11 comments:

shaina said...

I've been thinking about you too, especially with the big pregnant bellies that are around you all the time. I think you are doing great. It's a sensitive time.

runningfan said...

I'm glad you found a happy place to be today...and that someone is excited about this crazy weather!

Colleen said...

I'm with Shaina, you have been on my mind and in my heart recently, and I think you are incredible. I have loved this weather today too, I keep trying to remind myself that it's technically still summer! I am glad, just when you seemed to need it, Autumn stepped in!

Trinette McCrary said...

I understand the birthday thing. I lost one of my babies the first week in December. December was a hard month for us and Christmas was even harder. Miracles do happen, Teva was born one year to the day I lost the baby-December 7 It is amazing how we can find peace and happinness in the simple things around us.

MaryAnn said...

I completely wussed out and went home to Idaho for my due date. Definitely find something to look forward to on that day!!! Have fun with your crazy fall weather! :)

The Hardy Things in Life said...

You find your happy place!! WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Lisa Jones said...

I found this in the Ensign from last conference...it made me think of you guys...it's from Elder Eyring, he said, "Tragedy did not erode their faith; it tested it and strengthened it. And the feeling of peace the Lord has promised as already been delivered in the midst of the storm. Other miracles are sure to follow." It fits what I've seen happen for you as well as the family he spoke of. I love you and am so grateful to know that you're not alone in all of this.

J&E said...

Thanks for always being so honest about things. Hooray for holiday season!

kendra said...

Wish I was there. Fall really is a happy time, huh?

Martin Messages said...

Well Becky.. I shed a few tears while I was reading your post. I TOO still have those moments. Like my twins would be turning 4 this next month. It does get easier but you never forget. I just sit and think that Heavenly Father must have known that I wouldn't survive a 7 yr old, 6 year old and twin 4 yr olds all at once. I can laugh now but I still very vividly remember the pain. I love you and I totally know what you are going through. It is tough but it will make you stronger. I PROMISE!!!

Martin Messages said...

Well Becky.. I shed a few tears while I was reading your post. I TOO still have those moments. Like my twins would be turning 4 this next month. It does get easier but you never forget. I just sit and think that Heavenly Father must have known that I wouldn't survive a 7 yr old, 6 year old and twin 4 yr olds all at once. I can laugh now but I still very vividly remember the pain. I love you and I totally know what you are going through. It is tough but it will make you stronger. I PROMISE!!!