Almost four months ago, my full and happy heart was torn. My baby was taken from me too early (16 weeks along), and left a hole in my heart. Because of serious complications and an emergency D&C, I was not able to learn of the gender or see my baby. It was and has been, a rough time for us.
At first, the hole was ripping me apart. It was there, always reminding me that a piece of me and our family was missing....gone. I just felt so incomplete. As time has gone on, I have learned to live with it, or actually just not notice it as much.
I think one way the Lord allows us to heal after something like this, is by filling that hole with love, hope, tender mercies, and the gift of true friends who help
carry the hurt and lighten the load. At least until it is healed enough to be handled alone. These are all temporary fixes, but I was blessed to have them until I was able to handle the feeling on my own, and pretty soon, learn to live with how empty I felt. It just became a part of me.
I have found happiness again, and I have found joy. There are a lot more good days than bad, but nevertheless, there is a hole, always the hole. I had started to wonder if I would ever feel complete again, or would this hole just hang out forever.
Recently, while at a church meeting, I all of the sudden felt a tingling warm sensation of being complete. I searched around for the hole in my heart that always seems to ruin these moments. I waited for it to consume me, and I started thinking of an excuse to get up and leave so I could work through it privately. It never happened, the hole wasn't there. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I hadn't felt this complete and warm in months! I was clinging on to the feeling for dear life, knowing full well, that when the hole made itself known, it was going to be bad this time. Really bad. But, it never came. I was in shock.
There is only one thing that I knew could heal me this completely, and I was too scared for it not to be true. I could not handle it not to be true. Soon after I got home, I had a feeling to "take the test." Knowing what a negative would do to me, and has done to me, I decided against it. Why go through the agony and the days of pain afterwards. But the feeling never left me..so after a while, I obeyed.
Moments later, I sat there on the bathroom floor, crying tears of joy, holding a positive pregnancy test, and soaking in the feeling of being complete. The feeling I haven't felt in so long...too long. It was actually real. It was truly, honestly, actually, and completely real. Every fiber of my being knew it, but my mind just couldn't grasp it. I quickly snapped a picture of the two blue lines and sent it to Ben's phone. Good thing he didn't drive off the road. ;)
It didn't take long before it came, the all-consuming fear. I took three other tests in the next three days to force myself to believe that the baby was really there, and still alive. All three were positive, and even sharper and clearer than the previous one. This was REAL!
I am pregnant once more. I am complete again. I am whole! And I can't stop smiling...or crying (dang hormones).
Am I scared out of my mind and am I a paranoid mess?...yes.
Do I freak out over every little twinge or cramp?..yes.
Do I almost have a panic attack every time I go to the bathroom...oh yeah!
Am I terrified for all of the appointments where they will check for the heartbeat...you have no idea.
Will my first appointment be full of questions, more questions, double checking, triple checking, and lots of test...you bet. It isn't every day you are pregnant less than 4 months after losing 1/3 of your blood, less than 4 months after losing your baby in the second trimester,less than 2 months after being diagnosed with mono., and less than a week of having a horrible cold with a high fever (which is not good for pregnancy).
Poor Doctor Weary. He is a good sport, and he understands more than most. After all, he was there. He knows.
Am I crazy for announcing this so early?...yes and no. I had planned on not telling anyone for a while, but then I realized something. The one thing that carried me through this summer, was the support of my friends and family and of course the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. How can people help you unless they know what is going on.
Of course, I know I could just as easily lose this baby, so why the heck wouldn't I tell anyone I am pregnant. The fear of losing this baby, should only make me want people to know I am pregnant, so if I need it, I will have support and I won't be suffering alone. If I have learned anything from this summer, I have learned that people can't help you with what they don't know. Not to mention... I just want to spread the happiness! My joy is overflowing! I am going nuts keeping it to myself.
So, to sum it all up...yes, when my mind gets carried away, aside from major excitement, happiness, and overwhelming feelings of gratitude, I can easily get full of paranoia, fear, and anxiety.
I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I know who I am.
I know God's plan.
and, no matter what, I will follow it in Faith.
The Lord will carry me, come what may.
I know the Plan of Salvation, and I know that my family is forever and eternal.There is no "death do us part."
I have felt the comforting arms of my Savior wrapped around me, and I know He is real and that He loves me.
He knows my child and he will take care of everything.
No matter how much I worry and fret, I am not the one in charge. The one who is in charge knows best, and that gives me hope. I will only be given what will make me stronger.
He knows my fears and He is aware. He has spoken peace to my soul.
He will never leave my side.
I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who has walked the road right by my side. He has given me blessings of peace and hope. He is my eternal companion, and together, with the help of the Lord, we will make our family complete and whole.
Having a child; a whole, complete, pure child, is a miracle. A 100% miracle. I know that now more than ever.
Miracles have not ceased, and I could never deny that, not as long as I live. I have seen to much. I have faith, that this new miracle of mine is in the Lord's hands.
And the miracles in my life have not ceased.
I am due June 4th.
Stay with me, my angel.