My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Complete

Almost four months ago, my full and happy heart was torn. My baby was taken from me too early (16 weeks along), and left a hole in my heart. Because of serious complications and an emergency D&C, I was not able to learn of the gender or see my baby. It was and has been, a rough time for us.
At first, the hole was ripping me apart. It was there, always reminding me that a piece of me and our family was missing....gone. I just felt so incomplete. As time has gone on, I have learned to live with it, or actually just not notice it as much.

I think one way the Lord allows us to heal after something like this, is by filling that hole with love, hope, tender mercies, and the gift of true friends who help
carry the hurt and lighten the load. At least until it is healed enough to be handled alone. These are all temporary fixes, but I was blessed to have them until I was able to handle the feeling on my own, and pretty soon, learn to live with how empty I felt. It just became a part of me.

I have found happiness again, and I have found joy. There are a lot more good days than bad, but nevertheless, there is a hole, always the hole. I had started to wonder if I would ever feel complete again, or would this hole just hang out forever.

Recently, while at a church meeting, I all of the sudden felt a tingling warm sensation of being complete. I searched around for the hole in my heart that always seems to ruin these moments. I waited for it to consume me, and I started thinking of an excuse to get up and leave so I could work through it privately. It never happened, the hole wasn't there. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I hadn't felt this complete and warm in months! I was clinging on to the feeling for dear life, knowing full well, that when the hole made itself known, it was going to be bad this time. Really bad. But, it never came. I was in shock.

There is only one thing that I knew could heal me this completely, and I was too scared for it not to be true. I could not handle it not to be true. Soon after I got home, I had a feeling to "take the test." Knowing what a negative would do to me, and has done to me, I decided against it. Why go through the agony and the days of pain afterwards. But the feeling never left me..so after a while, I obeyed.

Moments later, I sat there on the bathroom floor, crying tears of joy, holding a positive pregnancy test, and soaking in the feeling of being complete. The feeling I haven't felt in so long...too long. It was actually real. It was truly, honestly, actually, and completely real. Every fiber of my being knew it, but my mind just couldn't grasp it. I quickly snapped a picture of the two blue lines and sent it to Ben's phone. Good thing he didn't drive off the road. ;)

It didn't take long before it came, the all-consuming fear. I took three other tests in the next three days to force myself to believe that the baby was really there, and still alive. All three were positive, and even sharper and clearer than the previous one. This was REAL!

I am pregnant once more. I am complete again. I am whole! And I can't stop smiling...or crying (dang hormones).

Am I scared out of my mind and am I a paranoid mess?...yes.
Do I freak out over every little twinge or cramp?..yes.
Do I almost have a panic attack every time I go to the bathroom...oh yeah!
Am I terrified for all of the appointments where they will check for the heartbeat...you have no idea.
Will my first appointment be full of questions, more questions, double checking, triple checking, and lots of test...you bet. It isn't every day you are pregnant less than 4 months after losing 1/3 of your blood, less than 4 months after losing your baby in the second trimester,less than 2 months after being diagnosed with mono., and less than a week of having a horrible cold with a high fever (which is not good for pregnancy).
Paranoid...oh yeah.
Poor Doctor Weary. He is a good sport, and he understands more than most. After all, he was there. He knows.
Am I crazy for announcing this so early?...yes and no. I had planned on not telling anyone for a while, but then I realized something. The one thing that carried me through this summer, was the support of my friends and family and of course the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. How can people help you unless they know what is going on.
Of course, I know I could just as easily lose this baby, so why the heck wouldn't I tell anyone I am pregnant. The fear of losing this baby, should only make me want people to know I am pregnant, so if I need it, I will have support and I won't be suffering alone. If I have learned anything from this summer, I have learned that people can't help you with what they don't know. Not to mention... I just want to spread the happiness! My joy is overflowing! I am going nuts keeping it to myself.

So, to sum it all up...yes, when my mind gets carried away, aside from major excitement, happiness, and overwhelming feelings of gratitude, I can easily get full of paranoia, fear, and anxiety.



BUT

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I know who I am.
I know God's plan.
and, no matter what, I will follow it in Faith.

The Lord will carry me, come what may.

I know the Plan of Salvation, and I know that my family is forever and eternal.There is no "death do us part."

I have felt the comforting arms of my Savior wrapped around me, and I know He is real and that He loves me.

He knows my child and he will take care of everything.

No matter how much I worry and fret, I am not the one in charge. The one who is in charge knows best, and that gives me hope. I will only be given what will make me stronger.

He knows my fears and He is aware. He has spoken peace to my soul.

He will never leave my side.

I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who has walked the road right by my side. He has given me blessings of peace and hope. He is my eternal companion, and together, with the help of the Lord, we will make our family complete and whole.

Having a child; a whole, complete, pure child, is a miracle. A 100% miracle. I know that now more than ever.

Miracles have not ceased, and I could never deny that, not as long as I live. I have seen to much. I have faith, that this new miracle of mine is in the Lord's hands.

And the miracles in my life have not ceased.
I am due June 4th.
My Birthday.


Stay with me, my angel.

35 comments:

Kraushouse said...

Thank you for sharing your story Becky. Its nice to know that Im not the only one who has gone through that. Its inspirational to know that miracles can happen.
CONGRATS! - Kendra

runningfan said...

Congratulations! This is amazing! I'll be praying for you and your sweet family.

The Maughan-sters said...

Congrats you guys!!! You'll be in our prayers!!! Good Luck with everything and thanks for sharing. I'm glad you have that warm fuzzy feeling back isn't it wonderful? Heavenly Father knows us so well doesn't he???

Vudochki said...

So, I saw your suggestion to read your blog from facebook. First off, great blog! I think it's awesome that you guys are in Colorado Springs! I have lot's of family down there and my parents are about 20 minutes north of there! I LOVE COLORADO! Secondly, and most awesomely (I know that's not a word) CONGRATS! I'm completely thrilled for your family! You'll be in our prayers and we wish you the best!
Love, Jessica and Dan

Team Serra said...

wooooooooohoooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Hooray for miracle babies. I'm sure it's not just coincidence that the due date is "special"...weren't you your mom's miracle baby? :) We love you guys!

Familia Morales said...

Oh Becky, that's great! Thanks for sharing your testimony...beautiful. Congratulations!

shaina said...

Sitting next to you on Sunday, something seemed changed. You seemed content and happy.
I am happy for you and love you.

Colleen said...

Oh Becky! I am so happy for you guys! What a great, great blessing. And your due date is amazing. You and your dear baby will be in my prayers!

Deanna said...

Oh, BECKY!!!!!! This is very exciting!!! And what a beautiful due date. :) We are very happy for you. We'll also keep you in our prayers. Oh, I am so glad that HE is in charge...he certainly DOES know each and every one of us.

Beautiful post! :)

Maja said...

Yeah Congratulations from us!

Marie W said...

I know you don't know me well, but I am married to Adam Wride (from Ben's mission days) and we are thrilled at your wonderful news. We have been and will continue praying for you. What a beautiful post.

Congratulations!!!!

Brittney said...

Becky, I am so happy for you! That is an amazing story. My heart goes out to you. I always remember that poem, footprints in the sand when I am going through rough times. When it was time for the man to look back at his life and during the hard times in his life he only saw one set of prints and asked why and the Lord said that he was carrying him through those difficult time. You are in my prayers. Congrats! Brittney Nelson Ofisa

Michael Bingham said...

Congratulations, Becky! That is so wonderful! Your experience has helped me have hope. What a miracle and blessing. Thanks for sharing.
Laurel

Heather said...

CONGRATS!!! That is so awsome! The Lord will bless you and take care of you! You have such a strong testimony. I love your blog. I was excited to see pictures of your little family and read about your life since the good old 5th ward days!

Paula said...

Congrats!!! I am so happy for you and your family!

Rhonda said...

Your birthday?? Wow! Congrats!!! Thanks for sharing the good news.

Furniss Family said...

That is so awesome that you are pregnant again!!! How wonderful. I'm glad the hole in your heart is filling in now. I can't even imagine how hard that would have been. Hang in there little lady, you are so strong and I can't wait to find out what you are having!! Take care and hope the pregnancy goes well.

Capturing today's Moments for Tomorrow said...

Congratulations Becky and Ben. I know the road will be tough and scary, but you have great support with your family and friends! Good luck with everything, and I pray the Lord allows you the time to raise this sweet baby in this earthly life! You are very special people, and I appreciate you sharing your emotions, feelings, joys, excitement and most of all your knowledge of the the Plan of Salvation and Eternal Families!

Dan and Katie said...

Congrats to you guys!! That is fantastic!

Trinette McCrary said...

Happy for you!

Sylvia said...

Dad and I love you and cried when we heard your news! So grateful the hole has healed...I knew it would but so hard to watch the process! You are in our prayers and Happy Early Birthday! That is not a coincidence I am sure!It's a tender mercy! Love ya!

MaryAnn said...

A friend of mine who experienced something similar to you and me told me when she found out I was pregnant, "my heart is so happy for you." And now that's how I feel for you - it feels like my heart is smiling. :) Congrats you guys.

Adri said...

Congratulations, Becky! We will hope and pray for the miracle to be a whole and healthy baby.

Kariner said...

Oh Becky, I'm so happy for you and for Ben. What a special thing. You guys will continue to be in our prayers.

Amanda said...

What a powerful testimony. You have me in tears. I can relate to everything you are feeling right now. I had the same feelings of not knowing if I should tell people if I was pregnant, if I should get my hopes up or not, and feeling really nervous at my appointments. I was grateful for a doctor who always reassured me that just because I had miscarried in the past didn't mean that this baby wouldn't be born healthy and strong. He was right.

And you are right to share this with your friends and family even when the outcome is unknown. Because friends and family are here for you through the ups and the downs. Thanks for sharing your wonderful news. I'm so happy for you and your family!

Nancy said...

I loved your post. Congratulations. The due date on your birthday is no coincidence!!

Darci and Ryan said...

Isn't it amazing how when we think we can't go on anymore things happen and things start to make more sense? CONGRATS!!!!!!!

Chalene said...

Wonderful Becky! You just made me cry right here in my office... :) I will pray for you!

Lisa said...

I've got goosebumps and happy tears welling up. I love you guys. Good luck with everything. I'm excited to hear how things go!

J&E said...

Oh my gosh!!! HOORAY!! I love that this post has only been here a less than 2 hours and you have 30 comments! I hope you know just how loved you and your beautiful family are. You'll continue to be in our prayers. I'm so grateful this little miracle has come your way. It will be a good birthday next year, I can feel it. So very much love your way
Erin
PS YAY!

The Hardy Things in Life said...

What a wonderful story!! You are such an inspiration!! We are so happy for you and this journey that the Lord has in store for you and your family!! We love you guys a ton!!

Jenni said...

Oh Maynards! We are so excited for you! Thank you so much for your words. I can barely type from the tears your words have created! I am so so happy for you and you will continue be in our thoughts and prayers!

Jaggers Brain said...

Becky Beck!!! I am so happy for you! I'm crying like a baby! No one deserves this more than you and your amazing family! Thank you for bringing the Spirit into this message.

I love you to bits, and you and your family will continue to be in my prayers! I love ya sista!

Ryan Belnap said...

Sorry we didn't reply but we actually read it the day you posted! Congrats!! We are really excited for you and hope all goes well. So did you know about it when you talked to us Sunday night? We figured you probably called us on Sunday to tell us and then decided not to. Congrats again!! That is truly amazing that the baby is due on your birthday, wow!
-Juliet

Jessica said...

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tyler and I are so happy for you guys!