My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Friday, June 12, 2009

8 days

8 days...
Has it really been 8 days since I woke up at 3:00am and bawled my eyes out until my body went into uncontrollable shaking.
Has it really been 8 days since I went into unexpected labor at 5:00am, bled out at 8:00am, and after calling for help in complete horror, passed out into my husbands terrified arms?
Has it really been 8 days since I woke up to paramedics, firemen and my husband leaning over me asking me what day it was and where I was, strapping me to a stretcher and taking me to the ER?
Has it really been 8 days since, for a brief moment in the ambulance, I feared for my life as the blood kept coming and the blood pressure machine started screaming?
Has it really been 8 days since I underwent an extra long and extra complicated D&C with too much blood loss yet again?
Has it really been 8 days since I passed out in the hospital bathroom and hit my head, neck and shoulder so hard that they still ache at this very moment?
Has it really been 8 days since I learned that my blood count was so low that I had to be admitted overnight and blood transfusions were discussed several times?
Has it really been 8 days since I experienced a Birthday that will forever change my life?
Was that really even me going through all of those experiences just 8 days ago?
Has it really been 8 days since my baby was taken from me for good and I was forced to accept the reality that I was not pregnant with my precious child inside any longer?
Have I really been on the couch or in bed for 8 days?
Has my sweet mother already come and gone in these past 8 days?

I just can't believe it has been 8 days. And I just can't believe that time still moves on?
It has been 10 days since I stared at my perfectly formed and beautiful baby on the screen and learned that there was no heartbeat. 10 days that seem to all be smashed into one big, long, day.

Everything seems like such a blur to me. I am having a hard time keeping track of what day it is, or even what time it is. I am sure it is mostly due to the medication, which was lowered down to Vicodin today, and also due to the fact that my brain is slower because of limited blood supply. But I feel that it is also due to the fact that my life is now spent on the couch or in bed, where I have too much time to think, but not enough time to absorb it all.

I wonder if everything had gone as planned, and the D&C was normal, and I was in and out the same day...if I would be grieving in the same way? Would it be harder, easier, the same? I wonder if I would be counting back 10 days ago instead of 8?

Time is a weird thing. It can go so fast when you want it to go slow, and it can go so slow when you want it to go fast. Yet, the seconds always tick at the same rate.
I know that in time, I will be ready to let go of the pause button and let life fill me with purpose and meaning, joy and sadness, good experiences and bad, once more. I know that we have better times yet to come, and also worse times yet to come.

But for now, I feel like I need this time. This moment in time, where for me, time is standing still. This moment where I go through physical suffering, emotional heartache, lack of hunger, weakness beyond anything I could imagine, so much fatigue and yet sleepless nights, blurry days, and feeling so lonely, yet not wanting to see anyone and not having the energy to anyway.

This moment in time where I see miracles happen, and be humbled by the numerous blessings coming our way. Feel the strength of prayers and love of friends, cry my eyes out, and hold onto my husband. Thank the Lord for my children, and count my blessings. Try to absorb and accept all that has happened, let my physical body heal, allow my heart to mend, and hope for a better tomorrow.
Even though, that tomorrow has yet to come.

These past 8-10 days have changed my life forever, in good ways and bad. I just hope that when I am ready for tomorrow, that I can look back on today and be stronger because of it.
I hope that I can absorb that good and let it refine me.
I hope that I will be better able to serve and help others.
Because, as I have learned, life is precious, and you just never know when you will need all of the physical and spiritual strength you can muster.

Although my body and heart tell me otherwise at the moment, I know that life will eventually carry on and I will feel happiness and joy in larger doses once more.
I know that this is not the worst thing that could happen to our little family.
I know that wonderful times are in our future.
I know that harder times, and times of much more grief and pain, are there as well.
I know that I can live with my family forever and through all eternity.
I know that I have been filled with peace and comfort and hope in a time when I would think those feelings would be much harder to come by.
I know that the strength I will gain from this experience will help me to be stronger in experiences that may be much worse, and that most likely, lie ahead.
I know that right now, at this moment, this trial is tough, very tough, and at times, can feel unbearable. But I also know that the Lord will NEVER give us something we cannot handle. He will always stay right here and help us find the way.

I know that the Lord has a plan for our sweet baby, and that our family is a part of that plan. His ways are not my ways, but they are the right way and the best way. Even if it means a lot of suffering and heartache, I will follow Him, because I know His ways lead to happiness and eternal life with those we love.

I know that 8 days from now, with the help of the Lord, I will be 8 days stronger and 8 days more ready for tomorrow to come.


shaina said...

8 Days from now, you will be stronger. 8 Days after that, you will be stronger still. Just take it a day at a time, a minute at a time. You are amazing.

Sylvia said...

You can do it day at a time...maybe even one hour at a time. Whatever it takes, you can do it. Read footprints in the sand again. Maybe this is your time to be carried for awhile but then I know you will be more capable of carrying others later on! Love you and praying for you! MOM

J&E said...

That was beautifully written Becky. I can see that despite your heartache and sorrow there is still the bright light of hope shining through you. I hope that this can be a time in which your family is able to draw even closer to God and our Savior. We love you, you are constantly in our thoughts, and we are praying for you daily.

Jaggers Brain said...

Becky... I love you so much. You truly are an amazing woman, with such love and power. I know that you are getting stronger and stronger as the moments pass, and becoming an even stronger woman and instrument in the hands of our Heavenly Father!

Just know that you are loved by many, and prayed over by many.

runningfan said...

You're doing amazingly well. Give yourself time to grieve!

Natalie said...

Wow Becky- thank you for sharing this with me. It made me reflect on the days that I felt I couldn't go on. I know Heavenly Father will carry you as He has carried me. I love you and pray this ache will not stay much longer.

Colleen said...

Beautiful, Becky. Give yourself every minute of that need it all and the more you let yourself have all those feelings you are having, the more you can heal, body and soul. You are so strong, girl!

Adri said...

Amazing words. Thank you for sharing. We continue to pray for your healing. And, time will continue to do its part.