My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Monday, June 8, 2009

I Carried You Home

For whatever reason, this morning has been a litte more rough than normal (whatever normal is). I am more tired for some reason, and still in a good amount of physical pain and extreme weakness. Sorry to those of you who got an invite to a small Birthday open house tonight, but I just can't do it, physically. Ben was so sweet to try.
Maybe it is a little more difficult this morning because it was just a week ago today that I found out we lost our baby. And only a little less than 5 days ago that everything else unfolded. It feels like it was just yesterday. Little did I know last week, sitting there in the Dr. office staring at an ultrasound of our beautiful and perfectly formed baby without a heartbeat, that it was only the beginning.
In order to try to overcome the sadness and discourgement I am feeling at the moment, I am really trying to focus right now on the blessings that have come our way. They have been numerous. There is one in particular that comforts me the most, so I will share it with you.
Through all that has happened, the one thing I just couldn't bring myself to accept was the fact that I would be leaving the hospital empty handed. My heart was empty, but did my arms have to be too? I thought about this a lot as I lay there in the hospital bed, and I dreaded going home with nothing. It would just be too much to bear. How would I ever be able to come to the hospital (even if it wasn't the way we planned on arriving) with my precious baby still inside, and leave with nothing. I feared that the empty feeling in my tummy would be more than I could handle.
But what do you bring home? There is nothing. I had to accept that, as horrible as it was.
Because of my situation, and everything changing and happening so fast, I was assigned to a room on the labor and delivery floor overnight. Everyone was very sensitive to our loss and took all precautions necessary to help us avoid things that would cause too much pain. One thing they couldn't fix though was the lullaby that played over the speakers every time a baby was born. There were a lot of babies born during my stay.
After a while of hearing the lullaby, I tried hard to tune it out. After all, someday soon, I would have another baby, and that song would be for us. For now though, it hurt, and every time that song played, our situation became that much more real.
Our last few hours in the hospital, as we were awaiting our CAT scan results and another set of blood count results, and angel was sent our way.
She sat and tried to talk to us for a while about our loss. I wasn't ready to talk about it, and neither was Ben, and she could sense that. She did say that she had something for us though and asked if it would be o.k. for her to give it to us.
She left and came back with something that only the Lord would know my heart was yearning for. She gave us a beautiful hand painted heart shaped box. In the box was a little white knit hat that was just the right size for our very small, but perfectly formed baby. It would have fit perfectly. There was also a tiny little knit blanket, again, just the right size for our small baby. She left the room, and while Ben and I held the box to our hearts and let the tears flow, a lullaby played over the speaker. Our lullaby for our baby. It was a moment I will never forget and that I will hold dear to my heart forever. I finally had the strength to let go, because I had something to hold on to.
I was able to be wheeled out of the hospital that day with a part of our baby in my arms. I did not go home empty handed.
Since then, we have placed a few other special items in the box as well, and it has become a great source of comfort and peace. We have a part of our precious angel..a tangible part, that we will now be able to have and hold forever.
I was able to carry my baby home that more ways than one.


The Hardy Things in Life said...

Thanks for sharing that with us! I know that she will be with you again one day! You guys are great, and we love you A TON!!

lori parkhurst said...

That is such a sweet story! Thanks for sharing it with us! I love you Becky!

Jenni said...

Oh my dearest Maynards. My heart goes out to you. I am sorry that i have been missing in action and not knowing what has been going on in your life. I am so grateful for your story and your strength. Thank you for sharing your stories, your feelings, and am once again amazed at how spiritually strong you are. Thank you for your example. And we love you!

runningfan said...

I'm so glad you are sharing your thoughts and experiences. I just wish I could help you somehow. You know my number if you ever need anything. Just know you're in my thoughts and prayers!

Colleen said...

What a special and personal treasure for you to share. I think I would have punched out that danged speaker! I am so glad you have something tangible to hold on to. I love the faith you show through your posts, that your baby will be a part of your family forever and the time here without your precious child is so short compared to the time you will share together later! Thank you for sharing!

Deanna said...

Thank you, Becky, for sharing that precious and sacred story. You and your family are continuously in our prayers.

Kristen Campbell said...

I want to thank you Becky for being so open about your experience and feelings. A young sister in our ward just went through almost the exact experience this last week, and it has helped me to know maybe a little more about how she is feeling. I feel like I know a little better how to approach her and how to try and help her through this time! Thank you for helping me to bless others!

Harris said...

Becky... you are amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I have been thinking about you so much. I am glad that you are recovering and that you didn't have to leave empty handed. What a neat story. Thanks for sharing your testimony and in turn strengthening mine. You are truly amazing.

Gina said...

Thank you for sharing that precious story. Our hearts go out to you.

Rhien Family said...

We love you guys and keep you in our prayers and thoughts.

Adri said...

Oh, Becky. Thank you for sharing such a tender, personal experience. I'm so glad someone was listening to the Spirit and knew what it was that would help you heal.

You continue to be in our prayers.

kendra said...

Oh, Becky. I just wish there was something I could do. I am so so happy that you have that special box. I know if I'd had something like that things would have been easier. Just keep taking it one day at a time. I know you will get through this. I'm happy your mom's are there. I wish we weren't moving so soon so I could help more.

Jessica said...

Becky, I just want to let you know how much that story touched my heart. I am crying as I type thinking of your loss and although I am miles away, I hope that you know that I am mourning along with you though it will never be as great as your sorrow that you and Ben feel.
I admire your strength and Tyler and I love you.

Nancy said...

Thanks for sharing your story and being so honest. You're wonderful.

Sylvia said...

That was beautiful Becky. I know you hesitated in sharing that but I am so glad you did.. it was perfect. The little box made me cry as well when I opened it but it also brought comfort. There is just something about it! Love you...miss you...MOM

Darci and Ryan said...

Wow Becky,

I have tears streaming down my face. Thank you for sharing, aren't the angels in our lives wonderful. X0X0 We continue to pray for you.

J&E said...

Okay now that I have wiped the tears away, I just wanted to say that we love you guys! I am so grateful for that tender mercy the Lord sent your way. We love you and pray for each of you every day!