For whatever reason, this morning has been a litte more rough than normal (whatever normal is). I am more tired for some reason, and still in a good amount of physical pain and extreme weakness. Sorry to those of you who got an invite to a small Birthday open house tonight, but I just can't do it, physically. Ben was so sweet to try.
Maybe it is a little more difficult this morning because it was just a week ago today that I found out we lost our baby. And only a little less than 5 days ago that everything else unfolded. It feels like it was just yesterday. Little did I know last week, sitting there in the Dr. office staring at an ultrasound of our beautiful and perfectly formed baby without a heartbeat, that it was only the beginning.
In order to try to overcome the sadness and discourgement I am feeling at the moment, I am really trying to focus right now on the blessings that have come our way. They have been numerous. There is one in particular that comforts me the most, so I will share it with you.
Through all that has happened, the one thing I just couldn't bring myself to accept was the fact that I would be leaving the hospital empty handed. My heart was empty, but did my arms have to be too? I thought about this a lot as I lay there in the hospital bed, and I dreaded going home with nothing. It would just be too much to bear. How would I ever be able to come to the hospital (even if it wasn't the way we planned on arriving) with my precious baby still inside, and leave with nothing. I feared that the empty feeling in my tummy would be more than I could handle.
But what do you bring home? There is nothing. I had to accept that, as horrible as it was.
Because of my situation, and everything changing and happening so fast, I was assigned to a room on the labor and delivery floor overnight. Everyone was very sensitive to our loss and took all precautions necessary to help us avoid things that would cause too much pain. One thing they couldn't fix though was the lullaby that played over the speakers every time a baby was born. There were a lot of babies born during my stay.
After a while of hearing the lullaby, I tried hard to tune it out. After all, someday soon, I would have another baby, and that song would be for us. For now though, it hurt, and every time that song played, our situation became that much more real.
Our last few hours in the hospital, as we were awaiting our CAT scan results and another set of blood count results, and angel was sent our way.
She sat and tried to talk to us for a while about our loss. I wasn't ready to talk about it, and neither was Ben, and she could sense that. She did say that she had something for us though and asked if it would be o.k. for her to give it to us.
She left and came back with something that only the Lord would know my heart was yearning for. She gave us a beautiful hand painted heart shaped box. In the box was a little white knit hat that was just the right size for our very small, but perfectly formed baby. It would have fit perfectly. There was also a tiny little knit blanket, again, just the right size for our small baby. She left the room, and while Ben and I held the box to our hearts and let the tears flow, a lullaby played over the speaker. Our lullaby for our baby. It was a moment I will never forget and that I will hold dear to my heart forever. I finally had the strength to let go, because I had something to hold on to.
I was able to be wheeled out of the hospital that day with a part of our baby in my arms. I did not go home empty handed.
Since then, we have placed a few other special items in the box as well, and it has become a great source of comfort and peace. We have a part of our precious angel..a tangible part, that we will now be able to have and hold forever.
I was able to carry my baby home that day...in more ways than one.