I am aware that my blogging here and there about this experience may come as a suprise to some of you. I am naturally a private person when it comes to things that cause serious emotion. I would rather hide under the covers, or crawl in my closet and cry/suffer alone.
I have however, several times, felt strongly that I should come out of my comfort zone, just a little, and share a few things that I am going through. I don't know why, but I will obey the prompting.
I guess there is no harm in sharing. (here I go, talking myself into it again)Holding back can only cause lonliness, misunderstanding and it can prevent others from being able to know how to help. It sure is uncomfortable though.
So, even though these past 12 days it has killed me to hit the "publish post" button, and I feel very vunerable and worry for hours afterward, I will do it. I admit, there are several posts that I have written, that will remain un-published because they are too personal, but I am hoping that I am sharing the right things in the right way. So again, here goes another post that has taken a day or more for me to get the guts up to publish. Read if you want.
Things are still very difficult right now, and some days (or should I say some moments) are better than others. But, I am holding on. At times, I feel I am barely hanging by my fingertips..but I will not let go.
What am I holding on to? At the moment:
The Lord and my faith...This all happened for a reason, and the Lord only gives us things that we can make it through and that will make us stronger. He knew, that in our situation and in the baby's situation, this was the way it needed to be...for everyone's benefit. Who knows what may have been lying ahead and how much worse it could have been. He took my precious baby because he loves that spirit and he loves me.
Ben...He has been my rock and I am clinging to him like my life depends on it. His arms are my comfort place, and I go to them often. He has physically taken complete care of me and has gone the extra mile. We are holding tight to eachother and I have soaked him in my tears time and time again.
The hope of a better tomorrow...even though it means starting from scratch, being sick all over again, counting the days and weeks, going back to the office where the painful memories began, and being terrified of losing another baby; I will have another precious life growing inside of me again, and our home will once again be filled with a special spirit to bless our lives.
Family and friends...nothing helps a wounded heart more than knowing I am not alone. The comfort of being surrounded by good people that I love and that love me, can brighten our troubled spirits. My mom and Ben's mom have gone above and beyond the call of duty to make sure our home continues to be a clean, comfortable and blessed place for us to be in. They have also taken complete care of Mary and Sam while I lie on the couch and am forced to watch. They have done it all with no complaints and with love in their hearts. I will not let myself even begin to think about what it will be like when they are gone.
Knowledge...I know that other people have been through things so much worse than what I am experiencing, and they have been able to pull through and be a great help and strength to others. I have also watched as they have become stronger and better able to handle other trials that cross their path. That gives me hope.
I know that I need to accept that this trial is a big one, and a lot of serious things happened. I cannot downplay what we have been through. I will accept it for what it is and give it the respect and time it needs for us to heal and overcome. It is o.k. to hurt, to cry, to mourn and to feel very very sad. No matter if it is better or worse than what others have gone through.
Good things that lie ahead..I am holding on to thoughts that let me know that life is good and that eventually I can start to climb out of this and take life a chunk at a time. I am scared to let go, but I don't want to stay either. I hold on to thoughts of a belated Birthday date with Ben, a trip to the temple, the upcoming family reunions, playing with my kids and letting them know that mom is o.k., feeling a life growing in my stomach once more, and many more.
This is not permanent...My body will be whole again. Although I went through a lot, nothing that happened to me physically, to my knowledge, will be permanent. In time, my body will be energized, full of the blood of life, and ready to take life head on. I will carry another baby, I will run another marathon, I will be the busy-body that I am, and for the rest of my life, I will be that much more grateful for the blessing of health and strength.
My Children....I rarely get to hold them right now, but when I do, I feel such a sense of hope, peace and comfort. They give me hope that I have been blessed with two beautiful, happy and healthy children, and I will be blessed with other babies as well.
I will continue to hold tight to these things and other things I find along the way that bring peace, strength and hope to my heart.
I am preparing myself for the "triggers" that are bound to occur in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Things that I will not expect (and things that I know I have to face but haven't had to face yet), but that will make my heart ache, my stomach feel empty, and the tears come in a rush. In those moments, and in the present moment, I will hurt, my heart will break, and I will yearn for what could have been, but I will hang on.
I will not let go.