I looked in the mirror today...I really looked. And do you know what I saw?
I saw a pale face looking back at me. A face that for too long now has longed for more blood.
I saw eyes that were red and swollen with bags under them from too little sleep and too many tears.
I saw a stomach that is rapidly shrinking from lack of hunger, and from no longer carrying my angel.
I saw flat hair and hollow cheeks.
I watched as yet again, the tears welled up at the start of another day.
Another day where I wake up after too little sleep, and for a split second, none of this happened. I am back to being pregnant and healthy. And then, like a giant tital wave that comes with no mercy and incredible force, it hits me. And when it does, I just want to crawl back under the covers and let the heartache engulf me. I just want to cry until the tears can't come anymore. I just want to let the enormous weight on my heart hold me down and keep me under. And some moments, I surrender and drown in the pain.
But do you know what else I saw in the mirror today?
I saw a glimmer of hope in my dull eyes.
I saw a small shade of color in my pale face.
I saw a stomach that in time, will grow again.
And I saw a daughter of God that is being surrounded by His love.
I saw my loving and strong husband standing beside me, ready to take me in his arms.
I saw me for who I really am, and I watched myself stand a little taller.
As I cried in Ben's arms and tried to find the strength to make it through today, a small sliver of the weight was lifted. As we prayed together for hope and strength, I felt enough courage to keep hanging on. Just enough, to let me crawl out and face another day.
I feel like I am living a seperate life right now. Seperate from the world, from my dear and precious friends, and at times from everyone around me.
I don't know how to act around people that are so close to me, but yet at the moment seem so far. I get so scared when my phone rings or when there is a knock at the door. Do I hide it all and smile and talk, (that is the path I seem to take)or do I let the pain in my heart overcome and let the tears flow. Do I put on a strong front, or do I let the heartache take over. It is a confusing world I am in right now, and one that I fear may never leave my heart. And one that I fear will leave my heart.
But, do you know what I did today? I did my hair. As silly as it may sound, it meant something to me.
I ignored the dizziness, the blood rushing out of my head, the room spinning, the weak legs. I stood strong. I forced the blood I have to work a little harder. I sat when necessary. I stopped to catch my breath. It took longer than normal, but I did it.
I took a step into the normal world, the one I watch go by, but don't dare to enter. The world that I must enter again and face head on.
I forced myself to go through the motions, the motions that in my normal world, I would do every day.
It was a hard emotional and physical battle, and it was frusterating because it was hard.
I did my hair today, and for me ,that is one small step.