My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Did My Hair Today

I looked in the mirror today...I really looked. And do you know what I saw?
I saw a pale face looking back at me. A face that for too long now has longed for more blood.
I saw eyes that were red and swollen with bags under them from too little sleep and too many tears.
I saw a stomach that is rapidly shrinking from lack of hunger, and from no longer carrying my angel.
I saw flat hair and hollow cheeks.
I watched as yet again, the tears welled up at the start of another day.
Another day where I wake up after too little sleep, and for a split second, none of this happened. I am back to being pregnant and healthy. And then, like a giant tital wave that comes with no mercy and incredible force, it hits me. And when it does, I just want to crawl back under the covers and let the heartache engulf me. I just want to cry until the tears can't come anymore. I just want to let the enormous weight on my heart hold me down and keep me under. And some moments, I surrender and drown in the pain.

But do you know what else I saw in the mirror today?
I saw a glimmer of hope in my dull eyes.
I saw a small shade of color in my pale face.
I saw a stomach that in time, will grow again.
And I saw a daughter of God that is being surrounded by His love.
I saw my loving and strong husband standing beside me, ready to take me in his arms.
I saw me for who I really am, and I watched myself stand a little taller.

As I cried in Ben's arms and tried to find the strength to make it through today, a small sliver of the weight was lifted. As we prayed together for hope and strength, I felt enough courage to keep hanging on. Just enough, to let me crawl out and face another day.

I feel like I am living a seperate life right now. Seperate from the world, from my dear and precious friends, and at times from everyone around me.

I don't know how to act around people that are so close to me, but yet at the moment seem so far. I get so scared when my phone rings or when there is a knock at the door. Do I hide it all and smile and talk, (that is the path I seem to take)or do I let the pain in my heart overcome and let the tears flow. Do I put on a strong front, or do I let the heartache take over. It is a confusing world I am in right now, and one that I fear may never leave my heart. And one that I fear will leave my heart.

But, do you know what I did today? I did my hair. As silly as it may sound, it meant something to me.
I ignored the dizziness, the blood rushing out of my head, the room spinning, the weak legs. I stood strong. I forced the blood I have to work a little harder. I sat when necessary. I stopped to catch my breath. It took longer than normal, but I did it.
I took a step into the normal world, the one I watch go by, but don't dare to enter. The world that I must enter again and face head on.
I forced myself to go through the motions, the motions that in my normal world, I would do every day.
It was a hard emotional and physical battle, and it was frusterating because it was hard.

I did my hair today, and for me ,that is one small step.


Maja said...

Way to go Becky one step at a time. You are an inspiration in all you are doing right now.

runningfan said...

On my darkest days, getting dressed and fixing my hair always helps. If you act better than you feel, eventually you'll feel better. But it's OK to let the despair take over sometimes, too!

Adri said...

One more step. You'll get there!

It was a pleasure to have Miss Mary for a bit today. And, your mother-in-law seems so great. I'm glad she is with you right now.

Hang in there!

theRach said...

Becky, you are amazing.....we love you guys and are thinking about you.

Kate said...

Yippee!!! A big step. And even with how hard it was for you, I still bet your hair looked better than mine. You always have such cute hair. :)

Colleen said...

Step by step! Sometimes getting ready can help more than you realize it will. And I hope you know you never have to put on a smile and act like everything is fine with any of us. We love you sad, mad, hurt, despairing, as well as smiling and happy!