My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

New Normal

I had my follow up appt. yesterday. It has been something that has given me a lot of anxiety these past few days. I had to face it all. The hospital, the surgical center and the Dr. office are all in the same building. I am so grateful Ben was with me. It truly was a walk down memory lane, and it was not easy. It all felt like it just happened yesterday. Everything was so vivid, well the parts I can remember anyway. It felt like a dream almost.
My doctor was awesome. He didn't do any unnecessary tests or check-ups, which I am very grateful for. I think my body has been through enough. He was incredibly sympathetic and sincerely asked me how my "heart" was doing. I nearly bit my lip off trying not to just burst into tears. He explained in more detail about what happened "that day, " before, during and after the surgery, and he answered a lot of our questions about my condition now and in the future. He spent a good amount of time with us. It was very therapeutic.
We learned that I lost almost 1/3 of my blood. Obviously, I am severely anemic (I don't even know if you would call it anemic, it is just so far beyond that) and will be for a long time. It will take three months to get my full blood supply back. There are really only two solutions that the doctor could give us. I am still eligible for a blood transfusion which would give me my energy back right away, or there is the solution which is less risky...iron pills and time.
We all agreed that iron pills and time would be the safest, but will require the most patience and frustration. Time seems to be the solution for most everything I am going through, and it is the one thing I seem to have lost touch with. I am still having trouble knowing what day it is, or even how long it has been since it all happened. I have just been so thrown off and I am just now starting to try to get on some sort of a schedule again...I call it our "new normal."
On our way out of the office, a lady got in the elevator with us. I didn't recognize her at all. Ben turned to her and said, "Do you work in the surgical center?" She looked at him and said, "yes." Then she got a look in her eyes and said, "Are you Ben?" Then she looked at me. I felt like I should probably know her, but I had no clue who she was. She asked if I was Becky. I said yes. She said that she almost didn't recognize me. (probably because this time I had makeup on, I was conscious, I was dressed, and I wasn't all swollen from the IV fluid) It turns out she was the head nurse the day I was in there. Ben totally recognized her, and she us, but I was blank. She asked me how I was doing and even mentioned my CAT scan results. I guess we made an impression. People must not come in there via ambulance, bleed out on the surgery table, and faint in their bathroom and smack their head everyday. Even though I didn't recognize her, I felt comfort when I saw her. I didn't want her to leave. Interesting. Another tender mercy.

Ben started going back to work full time yesterday, and that was a test to see how my body would handle a full day on my own with the kids. It went kind of like this.

Wake up and say a long, pleading prayer for help and strength. Get some tears out of the way.
Get Sam breakfast, then sit down until the room stops spinning.
Get Mary breakfast...lay down this time until my heart stops beating a million miles an hour.
I'm not hungry, but force down Instant Breakfast and 6 pills (which I am still trying to accept). Turn on a movie..we all sit.
The kids play outside, while I sit on the couch and supervise from the window.
Get Sam dressed...then I lay on his floor and crave sleep.
Get up and help Mary get dressed...I lay down on my bed with a horrible headache while they play.
I finally get dressed and kind of do my hair and make-up. It still hurts to brush my hair on the side where I hit my head. I don't quite finish it all before I am too exhausted to go on. I really have to take a nap at this point. I am not kidding. But I can't take a nap, so I follow the kids around and I lay down wherever it is they decide to play.
It took me 1/2 hour to do the dishes because the room kept spinning and I had to keep sitting down. But..I did them.

I will stop there, you get the idea. This is no exaggeration.

And so begins our "new normal". I am having to do nothing short of the absolute essentials. There is no getting around it, I just don't have enough blood to go around right now. Our lives will be very simplified for the next little while. Ben is taking on a lot, and has been amazing through it all. I am so blessed to have him. Truly.

The Lord has still been very mindful of us, and has continued to pour out his tender mercies. I truly feel like I have been more blessed than I deserve. I feel like I witness little miracles every day. And some big miracles as well. I am so humbled. I am so grateful for the blessing He gave us to have such a sure and heart mending knowledge about our precious child and its place with us.

Our lives have been thrown, our strength and faith have been tested, and I am being stretched to the physical and emotional limit, but we are doing it. We are looking forward with faith and putting one foot in front of the other. I still cry every day, but I am also able to smile every day as well. I am beginning to see all of the amazing things that have come and continue to come from this, and it is slowly healing my heart.

Pretty soon, the ups will outnumber the downs, weaknesses will become strengths, trials will become blessings and our "new normal" will become a "better normal".

That is how God intended it, and that is the path we are willing to take."


runningfan said...

You're so strong, Becky! Please call if I can help.

The Hardy Things in Life said...

You go girl!! You are awesome Becky!! Love you guys!!

Berly said...

Becky-you are continually in our thoughts and prayers.

J&E said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J&E said...

We love you guys! Just keep going, one step at a time. Think of your marathons... one step at a time one moment at a time. Don't concentrate on the race as a whole, just the moment or step you are in. It may not seem like much now, but one day you'll look back and realize that all those little steps brought you many miles. "Small and simple things" Beck. You can do this, you are doing this, your strength amazes and inspires me. We continue to pray for you and your sweet family.
Lots of Love,

Tess said...

What a strong woman you are. The Lord knew you could handle this. Keep praying.

Katie said...

Becky, you don't know me but I literally stumbled onto your blog from a Gina Owens-a favorite friend. I too just lost quintuplets earlier this month at 20 weeks. I am so sorry for your loss but in a very strange way, am grateful to have stumbled onto your blog because you have been able to verbalize things that I have not. I hope that the Lord continues to bless you and your sweet family in this hard time.

my3suns2 said...

Keep going Becky! You'll get there and you'll look back and see how strong you've become. You are amazing and always in my heart! Love you,

Darci and Ryan said...

I think of and pray for you often. Keep hanging in there, you guys are so lucky to have each other.