Aside from the physical struggles; emotionally, the peace I feel about our precious baby has truly lifted the weight on my heart. The comfort this has brought is incredible. What a wondrous blessing.
It does not mean that there aren't still moments of hardship, or crying into the night from other struggles and side-effects that come from an experience like this, but I can smile again. I now have the desire and even more of a determination to move forward.
Isn't it interesting when you go through something like this, to look back and realize how much the Lord prepared you for what He knew was coming. I have looked back at all that has taken place, I truly can't believe how much we were being prepared for this. I am so glad, even though I didn't see this coming, that my heart was being strengthened and our family was being gently prepared for the events that have unfolded.
1. If you go back to my last few blog posts before we learned about our baby, I mention several times throughout them that I feel like it is "the calm before the storm" or that "I am afraid to mention all of the good things that would be happening the week of my Birthday (and the week all of this unfolded), because I felt like something would get in the way." I even mention that "Life is good right now, it just is." And it really was. The Lord gave us a time of peace and harmony, and we indulged in it. There are a lot of quotes like this, because I truly did feel that the week I was so anxiously anticipating was going to bring something tough. I just couldn't brush the feeling from my mind. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined what was about to unfold.
2. On facebook about a month ago, I posted something along the lines of this. "I don't know why, but I just have a feeling that something big is going to happen." Again, I was feeling like something was coming our way.
3. The night before we learned of the loss of our baby, I got a huge surge of energy/nesting and I scrubbed our entire house. I organized everything, cleaned out the fridge, dusted, cleaned every room, washed windows, ect. I called my mom to tell her about it and I said, "I have this weird feeling of nesting, but isn't it way too early?" Little did I know that my baby was coming very soon. Just not the way we would have planned.
This ended up being a huge blessing, because since then, I have had NO energy at all to clean our house much more than just putting something away and then sitting back down. There is no way I could have been able to clean after the fact. I was nice to come home from the hospital to an organized house. It was one less thing to worry about, and a messy house, is a huge stress for me. I am glad that the Lord kept the small things in mind, and knew that a clean house would actually help me in a time like this.
4. I have had an overwhelming feeling the past month or so that we needed to be extra diligent in spiritually getting our home in order. We had a FHE a while ago and actually had this as a topic. We have been working extra hard to make our home a place of peace and comfort and a safe haven from the world. Because of our efforts, the spirit has been stronger than ever in our home, and we have been blessed these past few weeks with a beautiful and peaceful feeling in our home that comes directly from the spirit we have invited. I am so grateful.
5. Last month, we had a problem with our cell phone minutes. Ben called the company up and talked with them. They ended up giving us 250 extra minutes to use this month. In these past few weeks, because of all of the phone calls Ben has had to make to family and friends, we went over exactly 238 minutes. Had it not been for our extra minutes we got for this month, we would be paying hundreds of dollars in overage charges.
6. A week before we learned we lost our baby, Ben and I had a random talk one night about what we thought would happen to the spirit of a miscarried baby, or if the baby had a spirit in the womb. It was a random, but lengthy talk. We were able to sort through our own minds and hearts and come up with different ideas. I remember that while we were having this talk, I prayed to God that I would never need to wonder these things for myself. I held onto my tummy that night and I was so grateful to have my baby in there.
Because of that talk, we were better prepared mentally, to deal with these questions once again...just in a different light.
7. The morning of June 2nd (the day of my doc. visit) I woke up with a feeling that it was going to be a hard day. I just had a heavy heart. Later on in the library, when I had my first contractions, I again knew that something wasn't right. I began preparing myself. Later that afternoon in the doctor's office, I knew we had lost our baby before I was told. I still held on to some hope, but deep down, I knew. I was able to pray for peace and comfort before those horrible words were whispered to me in that dark and unforgettable room.
8. I had originally had my doc. appt scheduled for the day after my birthday. I had a feeling that week, to change my appt so that it would happen before my Birthday. I didn't know why, but I changed the appt. If I had kept the original appointment, I would have bled out the morning of my Birthday without knowing our baby had died and with no idea of what was happening to me and my baby. It would have been way more horrific that it already was.
9. While talking with the doctor on when to have the surgery, we decided we would not do it on my Birthday. It would just be so wrong and too sad. The doctor told me to go home and talk with Ben about when would be a good time. He suggested waiting until the following week.
After talking, we decided to go ahead and schedule it on my Birthday. I knew it wouldn't be much of a Birthday anyway, and I was in pain. It was weird to both of us, but we felt that it needed to happen that day.
Now we know, that no matter when the surgery was scheduled I would have bled out that very morning and would have had an emergency surgery anyway. Because we had the surgery planned that very morning, and because of the timeline of everything that unfolded, I arrived at the hospital just in time for the surgery that was already scheduled for me. The doctor did not have to squeeze me in, and I was able to get in right away.
10. Once we learned our baby had died, we were told that most likely, nothing would happen before the surgery. That baby could still take weeks to come naturally. Aside from knowing this, Ben went ahead and asked our neighbors to be on call should anything happen.
The morning everything spun out of control, Ben was able to run Mary to the neighbors in her pajamas, and run back to me seconds before I passed out. If our neighbors had not been ready, and Ben had been forced to run around the neighborhood trying to find someone to take our kids,things could have been even worse. In a situation like this one, where so much blood was being lost,time was a big factor and could not be wasted.
We were also blessed in the fact that our children did not have to see anything that happened that morning. Because of how traumatic that whole thing was, it would have been very scary for them...especially Mary. I am so grateful that they do not have any of those memories for us to try to calm and erase.
11. After talking and evaluation our situation we decided to have Ben's mom change her flight plans, so she could be with us longer than planned.
This enabled Ben to finish out the work week, and it gave us that extra night where we were prompted to, and miraculously able to, attend the temple. Such a wonderful blessing.
12. On the side of our blog, during the pregnancy, I had a pregnancy countdown. For whatever reason, I really struggled with what to title it. It actually took me a few days. It hit me one morning to title it "carrying an angel." It felt weird to me to put that title on it, but I did. Now I know.
I am so grateful for a merciful and kind Lord that gently prepared me and my family for a time He knew would stretch our emotions and our strength to the limit. He protected us before this even happened, and since then He has not left our side.
I will never again toss away a small nudge or feeling to do something. My faith in the tender promptings of the spirit has grown to such greater heights.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.