My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Friday, April 25, 2014

my reality

My reality right now is...
pregnancy hormones
pregnancy fatigue
pregnancy induced expanding waistline, and because I am short and have no space between my ribs and my hips, and this is my 8th pregnancy, so everything else expands as well.
never ending laundry loads
constantly cleaning clutter, toys, spilled food, dirt, bedrooms, walls, furniture, floors, and so on
endlessly unloading and loading, and unloading and loading the dishwasher
stopping bickering ALL DAY LONG
finding the missing shoe or jacket over and over again, which never seems to be missing until we are running late or in a big hurry.
getting snacks 50 times a day
making meals
painful tendons, due to a low lying baby and anterior placenta
hurt feelings, painful family issues, ignorant comments and cruel treatment/judgment from people who have yet to experience life with several children, and feelings of being insignificant
driving to and from karate, tumbling, cheer, soccer, activity days, preschool, and taking forgotten glasses and papers to the elementary school
tantrums, crying, begging, complaining, compromising, and teaching
feeling like I am doing it all wrong
evenings of complete exhaustion while right at the "it's bedtime" announcement, everyone becomes hungry, thirsty, not tired, and ready to wrestle and run around.
chasing Luke around and around and around the neighborhood
finally sitting down, only to be asked to get up again within 5 seconds
one sacrament meeting after another in and out of the hall with a wiggly toddler, while the 2 year old in front of us sits quietly on his mother's lap the entire hour
not showering for 3 days, due to lack of time, exhaustion at night, and not being able to turn my back on my 2 year old for more than 10 seconds
feelings of guilt
William locking Luke in the car, and being humiliated when 6 wonderful, helpful neighbors cram into our cluttered, smelly, and messy garage to see what they can do to help
Family Home evening lessons with wresting kids, or a screaming toddler.
Scripture and prayer in the evenings with the same result as above.
Being so bored, yet so busy at the same time
Luke making "paste" out of the cat's litter and water, time and time again.
the "witching hour" between 4:00 and 6:00 where I just want to sleep or cry out of mental and physical exhaustion, but is also one of our busiest, and most demanding times of day.

Yes, this is my reality right now, in this phase of my life.  And more times than I care to admit, it gets the better of me, and I can quickly sink into exhaustion, despair, frustration, and hopelessness. 

I am not one to cry, but lately (probably due to the pregnancy) it isn't too uncommon for me to be wiping away the tears as I clean yet another mess, deal with another tantrum, unclog another toilet, find ink on the leather couch, wrestle 3 kids at the doctor's office, or find another door locked from the inside. I forget who I am, that I am an actual person, and I just want to give up.

During these times, if I can somehow find the time to pray for help and energy, I am also given the gift to see the rest of my reality. 

My reality is also..
A husband who is home every evening, who has a great job, who takes the kids every evening to the gym, on a walk, to the park, or to the basement to play, so his pregnant, exhausted wife can sit down for a few minutes.
A beautiful home, in an amazing community, in a gorgeous valley, surrounded by  genuine, caring, and fun neighbors and friends.
A solid, wonderful group of friends, who have book club, girls night out, lunches-just for fun, holiday parties, can be found outside and ready to just chat or laugh for a few minutes, and listening understanding ears and open arms.
A sweet, precious daughter growing inside of me, that after such a long, hard, and at times painful, wait, is finally going to be here with us.
Healthy, active children, who are happy in their hearts, as adorable as can be, and who try their best to do what is right.
A testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and a sure knowledge of where I came from, why I am here, and where I am going.  The knowledge that I have my family for eternity.
Sweet notes from my children, hugs, kisses, constant hilarious comments, smiles, giggles, and tender moments
date nights with Ben
Ability to work out at the gym several times a week
school programs
 Sam scoring his first goal, Mary learning a new flip, "a pleasure to have in class, and great leadership skills" on report cards, William writing his first letters, or giving me one of his big bear hugs, and Luke talking up a storm and looking at me with his sweet, round, innocent eyes and full head of curly blonde hair.
spring time
playing with play dough still warm from the stove, and building lego robots
stuffed crust cheese pizza
and moments where I catch my little boys doing this, and the spirit whispers to my heart, that maybe I am doing something right.

praying for their little sister to arrive here safely, so she can play cars with them

And yes, the chairs are on the table in the background on purpose.  Destruction prevention at it's finest.

1 comment:

The Maughan-sters said...

Thanks for this post. Something I really needed to hear at this moment. life is hard and really sucks sometimes, but knowing that we always have someone to go through it with, and knowing that this too shall past gives me hope when hope is so hard to find. We are so excited for you guys to be adding a sweet little girl to your family. prayers that the rest of your pregnancy and labor go without a hitch :)