I went to the dentist today.
I don't like going to the dentist.
In fact, I have a slight fear of the dentist. Not an irrational fear, but just a slight fear.
I don't enjoy sharp objects in my mouth, it makes my toes curl and my hands grip.
Today, I went in to get a cavity filled. One teeny, tiny, little cavity in my bottom left molar.
The whole way to the dentist I was talking to myself. It went something like this.
"It's just one shot. Not big deal. Just a little pinch, and then it's all over."
"I went through child birth, I can do a few seconds of a little shot of pain."
"It always sounds worse than it is.It's just a drill. I won't even feel it."
"By lunch time, it will all be over."
"Mary did it, and she was just fine. Yes, but she also likes to suck on lemons, and thinks push ups are fun."
I was so busy talking to myself, that I drove right past the dentist office. Go me.
I did a nice little, not so legal U turn, and headed back to the office of doom, uh, I mean, the dentist office.
I walked in all cool and collected. Acting like the big, brave adult. Too bad the little panicked kid in my brain was trying to take over.
I sat down and calmly grabbed a magazine all cool-like, and opened it up. I almost choked when I learned that my hero Jillian Michaels is gay. What!?!? Yeah, I know,it's probably ancient news, but hey I live in a hole, and I don't follow much aside from my kids. And yes, I'm ok with that. But oh, I was so upset. Why did she have to go lesbian on me. Rats!
(Disclaimer: I do not think gay people are bad. I may not agree with it, but I do not think they are bad. I have friends that are gay/lesbian, and my favorite hair dresser is gay.They are all great people. I am just sad that Jillian went that route.)
In the middle of my Jillian tantrum, they called me back to the pit of doom....I mean the dentist chair. I was still fuming over Jillian, and I almost forgot what was about to happen, almost.
They put that fun little q-tip filled with goo in my mouth, that is supposed to "numb you, before the numbing," if that makes sense. All it did was taste bad, but I humored them and acted like all was well and that I walk around every day with horrid tasting goo filled qtips hanging out of my mouth.
Then the time came. I was going to "feel a little pinch," and out came the needle the size of my head. It looked like it was loaded into a gun of some sort. Rock on.
Honestly, what was going on here, was he going to poke a hole from my mouth to my eyeball. Does the needle have to be that big! I swear my gums aren't THAT big, are they?
So, I focused on the little screen above my head that had a nice little picture of my teeth and a giant red X on the one with the cavity. I shot fiery darts at that red X with my eyeballs and cursed anything that may have caused this little cavity.
And then there it was, the "little pinch," that became a bigger pinch, and then a much bigger pinch. And then, that famous, "you're doing great, almost done," line from the dentist.
I think my toes curled under to the point of digging into my foot, and my fingers were squeezing holes through the chair. I was sure that the dang needle was making it's way to my brain. After 10 minutes, I mean, 5 seconds of that big nasty, it was over. He pulled the foot long needle out of my brain and set it down on the tray where it belonged.
I wanted to get up and dance. It was over! I survived! Now, I could just sit back and relax all numb-like and get my little cavity all blasted away.
I sure didn't feel numb, but it would come.
hhhhmmm, still not numb, maybe it takes a while.
I bit my lip and ouch! That should not hurt.
In comes the dentist with a big grin, like we were at Disneyland or something, not stabbing needles into people's brains, and he asked if I was all numb and ready to go.
Every part of me wanted to lie and say I was totally numb, but I am pretty sure another shot would be less painful than feeling a drill go into my nerve. I opted for the truth.
And what did I get for it...the big nasty was staring me in the face once more!
Another 5 seconds of toe curling, finger gripping, "little pinching", fat needle stabbing, "almost there" dentist quoting, bliss.
Finally, it was over, and my eyeballs were still in tact. I was sure he was going to stab one and pull it out of my mouth this time. Nope, just a fat needle come out and back to the tray, where I cursed it with everything I had, and willed it to stay there, forever.
Some tingling came this time.Yes! Take that.
I waited for the rest of the tingling to come.
It never came.
I wanted to cry. I really did. I really, really did.
Instead, I laughed. Yup, it was kind of the psycho, shrill, I hate this but I am laughing, kind of laugh. The kind that makes little kids run from you, and even scares the person making the laugh. That kind of laugh.
I wasn't fooling anyone. I was going to die. Yup, dead for sure.
Out came the big nasty once more. The dentist kept on saying I had nerves of steel. No, not nerves that made me tough, though that would have been nice by this point. He meant the nerves in my mouth, the supposed to be numb nerves. Those ones.
He was acting like it was awesome and that I was so much fun to try to numb up.
He told me that no one ever wasn't numb after a third shot. And a third shot was rare.
Why do I have to be rare. Why! Can't I be cool rare. Like roll my tongue upside down rare, or run across the Sahara rare. I don't want to be no numbing rare. That is dumb.
So, out came the big nasty. By this point I had realized that my toenails needed clipping, because I was pretty sure they had just dug trenches into my feet. The dentist chair didn't have a chance against my grip anymore, and if the dentist told me to hang in there once more, I was going to kick him...hard. This time I knew my eyeballs were safe, but I was sure he had just poked the big nasty through my cheek and out the other end.
I sure felt bad for fish at this moment. I completely understood what it must feel like to be caught on a hook. And that folks, is what I thought about for the next however long it took for the big nasty to be done torturing me this time. Poor fish. Poor, poor fish.
Finally, some sort of numbing occurred. Hooray! Now that my feet were ruined, and so was the chair, it was finally over! yyyeeeeessss
Out came the drill. On went the drill. Down came the drill, and BANG went the pain. Right through my whole body. Did the dentist just shock me, stab me, drill my tooth out of my head, oh wait, I am not supposed to feel this. Hold on!
Up shot my hand, and it began waving frantically. I am sure I said stop, but the teeth guard, gauze, spit sucker, and drill made it a little difficult for the words to come out.
The dentist got the message and stopped killing me. He sat back looking at me, completely baffled. I glared at him. OK actually I didn't glare at him, I just told him that I wasn't numb, and that I sure felt him drill my nerve, but I glared at him with my brain and threw darts with my eyes. He called me a phenom, and with his grin, he said he would just have to numb the tooth directly. This sounded fun.
Out came a new tool. With a new needle, and a much bigger gun. That dang thing clamped down on my tooth so hard I was sure my jaw was doomed. And then the dentist, pushing so hard he was shaking, continued to push the needle into my tooth. Anyone out there sick yet, or at least cringing. Well, you should be. I was.
After feeling like I was never going to see the light of day again, the pain suddenly left. Yup, gone. So gone. So, so gone. I was either dead or numb.
The dentist gave my tooth one more shot for good measure, grinned and mentioned that he had only had to do that once before, and that he couldn't believe it. I hate being rare.
After 5 little minutes the cavity was filled. 35 minutes to numb me, 5 minutes on cavity. Does anything seem wrong here?
The dentist told me that I would probably get numb when I got home. He said I could be numb for days with the amount of numbing crap he had to use. It was a joke. I didn't laugh. I was waiting for my dollar, Mary got one for being a good patient. I wanted one. The dollar never came. Whatever.
He told his brand new assistant to suction all of the nastiness out of my mouth and then I could go. Whatever she did, she didn't even come close to suctioning anything out of my mouth. She said I could leave and walked away.
I sat there with a mouth full of horrid stuff, pinching my lips so it wouldn't spill out. I didn't know what to do. So I did the only thing I could, I squoze my eyes and swallowed it. I probably swallowed all sorts of evil stuff, and I will probably wake up with a growth the size of a watermelon or something, but at least it was over. I literally almost threw up. Nothing like going out with a bang.
Fast forward one hour.
I am home doing my Jillian Michaels video. I am on day 13 of the 30 day shred. Go me! It is so hard, but so awesome!
The left side of my face is literally sagging, and flopping around as I exercise. Yup, I am completely numb. Extremely numb! Too numb. Scary numb.
So numb that I am laughing at myself and my flopping face but also wanting to cry because I should have been this numb an hour ago. I am also ticked off and muttering all sorts of stuff at gay Jillian as she leads me through the work out. Why Jillian...why!
Fast forward to now.
I can feel every single stinking place where the big nasty got me. Every single one. It does not feel good. In fact, it really hurts, a lot, and I don't like it. I also can't taste my food. My taste buds are still numb. Dinner felt like eating wood and plastic. No taste, just texture. Gag.
Boo to the cavity. Boo to the big nasty. Boo to being rare. Boo to gay Jillian. Boo to nerves of steel. BOOOOOO!