Tomorrow, November 15th, is my due date for the baby I lost in June when I was 16 weeks along.
I didn't think it would be too hard, just because I am expecting again, and it fills me with inexplicable joy. It has been very healing.
However, it has actually been a little rough for me. It has come as a surprise really.
It is just hard knowing what could have been. There are so many pros and cons, but no matter how I look at it, it cannot be changed and I have learned to work through that and accept it.
The biggest struggle for me I guess, has been the fact that I could be having my baby any time now, but instead, I am back to square one. I haven't been that sick at all (which is a first for me and SOOO wonderful) but no matter what, pregnancy just makes me feel icky and so so so tired. This is my first pregnancy where there is a lot of cramping and very sore tendons. I will take it over morning sickness any day, but it does nothing good for the paranoia. It is a little frustrating to lie there on the couch feeling so exhausted and blah, knowing that I already did this part not too long ago, and I could have been done with it and reaping the precious rewards any day now. It has been harder than ever to look at infants lately. I haven't had any problem with that, but it is rough right now. I am sure it will end soon.
There are some good things though. We are now able to have a great Thanksgiving with two wonderful families coming over. I am SOOOO excited for that! We will also be able to travel for Christmas and be with family and loved ones. Both of which, would not happen if I were to be giving birth tomorrow.
There is also the comfort in knowing that is just wasn't the right time for us or the baby. Having the baby tomorrow was not in accordance with the Lord's will. That brings me great peace.
Another hard thing is the domino effect losing the baby has had on me. I have been sick for the majority of 7 months now with my previous pregnancy severe morning/all-day sickness and various illnesses that all trickled down from the events of the day I lost the baby. Some of which, were incredibly hard and lasted a long time, some if which I still battle along with this pregnancy. Some of which I have suffered silently, because I don't want to feel like the "girl who always has something." Mono, severe anemia (actually, well beyond severe), swine flu, ear infections, colds, aches, exhaustion, are just a few of the wonderful trickle effects. It has been much much much harder than I have let on, and it has effected the way I am handling this pregnancy. I just don't have much spunk or energy left. It is hard to deal with even the smallest aches and pains and blahs, because it has been so long! You would think my tolerance would be greater now, but it actually is getting shorter. I am down to my last reserves, and I haven't had time to re-fill them before the next thing hits. My body has been through enough to last several years, in just 7 short months. I just need time to get some spunk back, and then deal with it all. The road has been very rough, but we have traveled it.
A good thing though, is that I have been able to have more ultrasounds, which means I have been able to see my baby more than normal. I also don't take ANYTHING for granted when it comes to this baby. I am a paranoid mess, but I have a new understanding of what miracle must really take place in order for a baby for form, grow and mature in the womb, and to have it all work out in the end. It is amazing. It has brought me closer to my Savior as I plead every night for this baby of mine and try to have faith that all will be well.
I am so grateful the primary program tomorrow and especially that the theme is eternal families. It will be a good source of comfort. It will be nice to have this date done and over with. I am going to feel what I feel and let things sink in, and it will be hard (I may even have to cry in public) and then I am going to do my best to say goodbye and put it behind me.
After all, I have a new life forming inside of me, and I know and feel that it is a very special and precious being inside of me. This is no ordinary pregnancy for me, and this is no ordinary child. I have been blessed to have my heart tied to my babies heart (even if I tried not to) and to feel the special spirit inside. This child is one of hope, comfort, miracles, healing and peace. A cherished gift from above. A healing thread to a broken heart.