As I was thinking about the last post, and about losing and finding things, this week I also noticed that I had lost something else. Something WAY more important than keys, or a bottle. I realized, as I laid on my bed and cried out of complete frustration with my duties as a mother, again, that I had lost the meaning, joy and importance of what being a mother is all about.
With my hormones being so messed up, and my body not producing estrogen, I struggle so much with feeling extremely irritable, struggling with my body image, because loosing one pound right now is like trying to make ice cream in hell, and fatigue. I also have a very close person in my life that has decided that I am not worthy of forgiveness or even worth acknowledging that I am exist. A person who, by all accounts, made me believe that family ties were above this. I am being treated like a piece of trash, so easily thrown away, and not worth any explanation as to why. It has been 9 months now, and the longer time goes by, the more this person seals the pain and hurt around my heart. I worry that it may become a seal that will forever be imprinted on my heart and not easily peeled away, if ever.
I have let these struggles seep out of me and onto my family. As I watched my children fight over and over again for the millionth day in a row, stared at my dirty house that I just can't keep up with, and ran for an hour for the 4th time that week, only to find I had still not lost a pound, I looked around me in despair and just cried, and then I cried some more.
I felt like I had ruined my children with my poor attitude. I had let Ben down with my constant complaining about my duties I have as a mother and homemaker. I have let myself down, for becoming so miserable and grumpy, and I had let my father in heaven down, for not cherishing the blessings he has given me to be a wife and a mother. The most important and blessed calling of all.
Instead, I was resenting it...all of it. I just wanted to run away, sleep forever, and let someone else, a lot more loving and capable, save my family...from me.
As I cried to Ben the other day, and as he spoke loving words of peace and encouragement to my heart, I finally felt a tiny glimmer of hope peek into my struggling heart.
I felt the quiet whisperings of the spirit whisper to me, "There is still time."
I haven't damaged my family beyond hope. Maybe my children can still see that they have a loving mother, not a wicked witch. Maybe Ben doesn't regret marrying someone who complains all the time about her hard life (that would be laughable to so many suffering people out there). Maybe there is still time. Time to try to find the joy again, and time to cherish it.
I have decided to start out small. Instead of resenting the fact that William wakes up at 6:30, I have tried to enjoy the time in the morning where it is just me and my Babo. I get to cuddle him, kiss his huge, soft doughy cheeks, watch him eat his cereal is his cute little ways. I get to speak unsaid messages to him that he is special, and that his mommy loves him.
I can teach my children about forgiveness and about handling hurt and grief in the right way. I can use the situation I have been placed in, to teach my children and to help us all learn that family love should conquer all, forgiveness should be given, communication is key, and that people are real, and should be treated as such. Ignoring someone and hanging on to anger is not the right way, and I will not have my children, or myself, doing that to anyone...ever.
Instead of spending the day frazzled over all of the cleaning and picking up I do ALL the time, I am trying to teach my children to do jobs, and let them do the jobs their way. Try to look past the lumpy bed, and grin at the fact that my child at least made their bed, and it is actually cute that way.
Instead of sitting around in the hot afternoons, with hot bored children, fighting and whining that no friends are home, and me getting more and more frustrated by the minute, I have planned afternoon outings. Outings where I can watch them explore the world around them, giggle as the ducks eat bread from their hands, watch Luke pick at the grass and flowers around him, cheer on Sam as he shows me how fast he runs, and talk with Mary, who is growing up WAY too fast.
Outings where I can re-connect with my children, love them, and soak in the small details that only a mother can see, but that she carries in her heart forever. Details that I have let pass me by too often lately.
Instead of dreading making dinner that no one will eat, and everyone will complain about, I have tried to enjoy the fact that I am creating a way to have everyone sitting at a table together. I try to engage conversations about the favorite parts of everyone's day, and I try really hard to make at least one thing that they will all like. I try to cherish the togetherness that dinner time creates, instead of resent the time it takes to make something that may, or may not, be complimented.
Instead of yelling at the kids to stop fighting, because the noise demands yelling in order to be heard, I am trying REALLY REALLY hard to wait for a break in the chaos, to firmly, but patiently, stop the arguments in a teaching and loving way, not in an out of control, freak out way. This one is taking a LOT of work, but I am going to keep trying.
Instead of feeling like the kids are "bombarding me" and hanging all over me," I am trying to see it as having my precious angels gathering around me. Me and them, a mother and her babies.
I have also picked out a few projects that I a really excited to do, to continue on building my little nest here in our world. I absolutely love to do things around our house to surround us all with beauty, fun, memories, and a comfortable happy home. I haven't done anything in a while, but once I started thinking of projects, my spark came back, and I once again am finding joy in making our home ours. Ever heard of paining a door inside the house? I hadn't until a few days ago, and I am totally going to do it!
Deep inside of me, is that part of me that has been pushed back for far too long. The side that has let the distractions of life get in the way of what matters most. In my p. blessing, I am strongly warned about distractions, and told there would be many. I always envisioned them as big distractions, and figured I could easily avoid them.
Imagine the tears the I shed when I realized all of the little distractions that I have let take over, until I have been taken too far. Distractions of fatigue, busy schedule, getting the to-do list done, worldly desires, my crazy type A personality that wants the house clean, all the time, things done the right way, and getting things done...no matter what. So many little things, yet all together, they have pulled me away.
So, for me, I am trying. I will never be perfect. I will never be the perfect mother, wife, friend, sibling, or daughter. I will fail a lot. I will probably complain. I am going to lose my temper, get upset, make the wrong things a priority, and maybe pass by a moment I should be soaking in, but at least I am going to try.
I really do love being a mother. I love my 4 precious children with every part of my heart. I love my husband fiercely and unconditionally. I love our home, my nest, and the place we live. God has blessed me beyond measure.
Maybe it is time that I slow down, take a deep breath, and see it all for what it is...beautiful. It is a beautiful life. There is still time.