My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Monday, June 9, 2014

slam, bam, wack, slap, pow

Anyone remember the "old" Batman cartoons, where they wrote in the words during the fighting scenes like, "Slam," "whack," or "pow."  Yeah, the good ol' days.

I am starting to see those words run through my head with this pregnancy.

I am happy to be pregnant.  I am so grateful for the blessing it is.  I know that God has helped me and our little girl a lot.

But holy cow, can a girl get a break!  This pregnancy has literally been one thing after the next.  It is unbelievable.  I was told that this would not be an easy pregnancy, but I always thought it meant that there would be one hard challenge to deal with that would be throughout the entire pregnancy.

I didn't realize that maybe it meant one thing after another as my body tries so hard to be pregnant, when it seems that it just can't handle it anymore.  This pregnancy and daughter of ours is truly being brought to pass through the grace of God.  He is literally carrying us through, no matter how rough it seems to be getting.

I think I mentioned in the last post that I started feeling really sick on my Birthday. 

I got so sick that night, that I ended up having to miss the celebration my friends had put together for me.  That get together meant the world to me for a number of reasons, and I tried until the last minute to get the strength to go. I even got dressed up and did my hair with a fever raging.  In the end though,  I  just couldn't do it, I was so, so sick.
I went to bed the night of my birthday in tears, sad, frustrated, and very sick.

Come to find out, missing that Birthday get together was only the beginning of things I ended up missing out on this weekend.

The timing could not have been worse, if I planned it all myself.

I did go to the doctor on Friday, which is a long story in an of itself.  He ended up not being able to see me.  I cried in front of the receptionist when my appointment was canceled and I looked so pathetic that she actually came around the table and hugged my fever racked body as I cried, snotted and coughed all over the place.  I had waited all day, and the day before to see a doctor. I was so incredibly miserable, and I just wanted to see a flippin' doctor and get some help.  I admit, I was a little delirious temp was 103 when they finally took it.
  I must have looked pretty bad, because the sweet lady even found my doctor, who was slammed in the ER, and asked him personally to see me.  It didn't work, but she tried.

I did see another doctor though, at the after hours clinic, after waiting 3 more hours.  By the time I saw him, I was literally too weak to sit up on the exam table.  I laid on it instead, in all of my pregnant, sick, miserable, glory.

I have the flu, the real deal, influenza.  I also have a sinus infection and bronchitis. Fun.

The antibiotics to help with the recovery of these things are not good for the baby, so I am waiting all of this out, and hanging on to a blessing Ben gave me where God told me that he would quicken my recovery faster than I could do on my own.  He will have to be my antibiotics. 

It was my choice, the doctor just gave me all the options.

When I say I have been sick, I am talking flat in bed, cheeks flaming with fever, chest wrenching coughing that felt like I was cracking my ribs every time I cough, sinuses full to the bursting point and so much pressure I can't even put my sunglasses on because of the pain, full body pain, chills to the shaking all over point,  kind of sick.
It has been absolutely horrible.  Today is day 6, and I actually feel the same as yesterday, which was worse than the day before!  Amazing.

We were not able to attend my Aunts funeral, which I so longed to go to for numerous reasons.  I missed seeing so many close family and friends, and I missed celebrating and honoring the life of a beautiful woman in my life.  I missed an opportunity for my children to see what an amazing heritage and legacy they come from.  For them to see how powerful family can be.  This was so hard to miss, and I felt the emptiness that day.

We were not able to go to Pocatello and see my brothers, both of which I have not seen in 2 years...2 years!   All of my siblings were there together, which is very rare, and I was here, in bed.  I didn't even answer the phone when they called, because I couldn't stand to hear about it.  It was too sad for me.

It pretty much ruined the one part of my Birthday that was just for me, with my friends.  Due to circumstances with gestational diabetes, feeling like crap from the flu, and changing days to celebrate, my Birthday kind of fell through the cracks.  This deal with my friends was kind of the saving grace of that day for me, but I guess it wasn't meant to be either.

The kids were very sad and upset to miss a weekend of family, boating, bon fires, cousins and fun.  The look on their disappointed faces when they learned that we could not go because I was sick was heart wrenching.

And basically, it has just kind of forced me to miss things that were very important to me.

Someday I hope to understand the timing of things.  I know the why, I just don't understand timing sometimes.

I was in really bad shape on Friday, and was lying in bed miserable,  and fretting. 
It is so hard to be the mom, helplessly sick in bed, and to hear the kids, the commotion, the husband trying to hard to do it all, and to worry about the family, the house, the meals, the empty cupboards, the overflowing laundry, how Sam would get to his karate promotion, and the silly little things that you worry about... like who would water the flowers.

It is so hard to rest when your mind is worrying, fretting, and stressing about what you should be doing, and how much you are needed.  To me, that is the absolute worst part of being bed ridden.  I have been sick a lot this pregnancy, but only bedridden with this illness.  It has been bad.  It takes being forced to sit back and watch, to really appreciate all you can do, even the mundane things. 

I poured out my heart and tears to my Heavenly Father that night, and just asked for peace in our home, added energy and strength for Ben to be able to handle the extra load, happiness for my children, me to be able to truly rest my body and mind, and angels to carry us through until I can get on my feet again.  I begged him to provide a way for me to get to my family in Pocatello, specifically my brothers, but His gentle whisperings in my heart, let me know that going to Pocatello was not an option.  I was heart broken, but somehow felt that it was ok.

The very next day my prayer was answered.

Word somehow spread, and we had meals coming in, I have angel friends.

I had the thought pop into my mind that Mary and Sam are more capable than I even know.  I decided to put this to the test.  We needed food in our house.  We were out of even the basics...bread, milk, etc.
I had just enough energy to drive to the store, point to things as Mary and Sam literally did all of the shopping (pushing the cart, loading the cart, loading the check out table, putting groceries in the car, and unloading them into the house).  That little trip leveled me for the rest of the day, and I am sure I looked pretty freaky, even for being in Walmart, all hunched over the cart, no makeup on,  and hair matted to my face, but I had peace knowing that our cupboards were filled.  Mary and Sam did not complain, and were amazing.  They are very good kids.  I am blessed.

I had the thought to have Ben took the kids swimming the next day, and they each brought a friend.  Swimming at Kamas pool is one of my kids' most favorite things to do.  This took away the melancholy mood they had been in for missing their trip to Pocatello, and worrying about their sick momma, and brought happiness back to their eyes.  We also let them have a movie night that evening.  I slept on the couch, but was able to at least be in the same room, and the kids really liked that.  It also gave Ben a chance to do some night mountain biking with a buddy.  I am so grateful, in times like this, when he gets a break.

I told Mary how to water the flowers, so hopefully they will survive.  That flower garden of mine is a symbol of so much to me, and I can't stand the thought of it dying.  Mary has actually enjoyed taking care of this patch of beauty and helping the flowers live and grow. She has been doing a good job of it.

Ben was able to find last minute babysitters, so that he could take Sam to his karate promotion, which is a BIG DEAL to Sam.  It is where he moves up to the next belt.  I felt weird not being able to watch my own children while Ben was gone for just an hour, but it was what it was, and I was in bad shape. I am thankful for our good neighbors that took 3 of our kids, last minute, on a Friday night.

 Ben has been able to sneak in some time for himself to mountain bike and lie down for a little bit, usually when Luke is napping. Hopefully enough to refuel him.

And my sweet, thoughtful friends, texted me and said that they planned a Birthday celebration re-do for this next week.  They even had the place and time set up again. This kind act went a very long way.  It means a lot to me.  I just hope I am well enough to go this time.  The doctor said that the miserable, terrible part of this usually lasts anywhere from 8-10 days!  Then it will be another couple weeks to fully recover.  I really hope God's timing is faster than that.

Today, my mom and sister drove my brother, Ryan, all the way up here to Heber, just to see me.  They only stayed for a couple hours, which was all I could really do anyway, but it was wonderful to see my brother I haven't seen in so long, and to just be with my family.  I am so grateful I was able to see him.  It was the first time he had been in our home.

All of these things added up have allowed me to be able to rest, feel better emotionally, and try to fight this horrible illness that is racking my body. 

I honestly can only remember one other time in my life where I have been so sick that I have been bed ridden for more than a day or two.  That was 13 years ago, when I was in Ecuador, and what do you know, I got the flu while I was home, and it came out my first week in Ecuador.  I was sick for about a month over there.  Nasty.  Even though it was so long ago, as I go through this misery again, it is all coming back to me, even down to the trying to sleep sitting up, so I can breathe, and the lips so chapped from breathing with my mouth open, that I have to apply thick Vaseline to them at all hours of the night.

I dare you to try to sleep sitting up, and if that isn't bad enough, do it while 26 weeks pregnant and a baby is so squished that she is kicking and poking your ribs to try to get more room.  I have been doing this for 5 nights now.  I have no choice.  If I lie down, I can't breathe.  My chest and sinuses clog right up.  Doctor's orders anyway, to try to prevent pneumonia. 
It doesn't really work, but I guess I do snooze on and off, and that can count for something.

I am still so sad that I had to miss some very important things this weekend, and today I ended up with yet another nasty side effect of all this...a VERY painful ear infection, but I would be so ungrateful and awful if I didn't recognize the hand of God, my amazing husband and children, and wonderful friends in my life, helping me and my family get through all of this.

Whatever lesson it is I need to be learning, I hope I figure it out soon.  I still have 14 weeks to go of this pregnancy, and honestly, I hate to even think what could be worse than this.  I know there are a lot worse things, but let's just hope I can figure this all out before it gets to that point.

The day this little girl is born, you will all probably hear our shouts of "we did it" from one end of the earth to the other.  I think surviving this pregnancy deserves a medal of honor, for our whole family.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

Wow, Becky I'm so sorry...I can't imagine the pain and trial...I'm so grateful for the gospel and the priesthood though! Hooray for seeing Ryan! Hooray for a healthy baby girl. You're in my prayers. I love you!