As I said in my last post, I have had a horrible struggle the past 3 weeks dealing with gestational diabetes and all of the physical and mental side effects that have come from adjusting to a new diet and some deficiencies that have come with it. It has really taken me for a hard ride in so many ways. I never imagined something like gestational diabetes could rock me the way it has.
Hopefully now, with the supplements and the more I learn how to eat, things will get better.
Earlier this week, I was so weak and achy that I spent a couple days lying in bed or on the couch, and I cried over and over and over again because I was so miserable physically and emotionally. I knew that my mother and sister had plans on coming this weekend, and for the first time ever, I didn't know if I was up for seeing my own family. I was so low, depressed and physically suffering. I was feeling guilty, worthless and like a person not worthy of being loved or put up with anymore. I didn't want to burden anyone else with my issues.
Luckily, I had my doctor appointment the morning of the day my mom and sister planned on coming. Knowing that my doctor was looking into things, and that there may be some help coming soon, I had enough hope to get through the day, and even get a little excited to see my family.
My mom and sister stayed for 2 days and 3 nights, and the boost to my spirits they provided in that short amount of time, is nothing short of feeling lifted on wings of angels.
I gave my mom a necklace on mothers day that says, "A mother understands what a child cannot say."
I have had a really difficult time lately knowing exactly what I need. I know that I have been suffering and miserable, but I haven't truly know what I need.
My mom did.
She let me talk and talk and talk about my new miserable diet, and she sympathized with me. She is doing a diet similar to mine right now, so she understood the cravings and the hunger. She gave me lots of good ideas for meals that actually sounded good, that I can eat. This was a big deal to me. She gave me hope that I can survive the next 15 weeks eating like this, and helped me to remember that it will end, and everything will be ok.
She, like me, is very project oriented. We LOVE to be working on things, moving forward and getting things done. My family grew up starting a project, and working hard until it was finished. We would spend days working and working and working on the yard, or on a project, until it was completed. Then, we would play hard and have a blast knowing that the work was done, and feeling accomplished and good. I am the type of person that begins a project, and does not stop until it is completed. I love working hard, following through, and reaping the rewards. It is extremely frustrating and upsetting to me to spend what feels like forever doing things bit by bit, when I just want to get out there, and get it done. It is probably my worst pet peeve.
Because of this pregnancy, and people not doing what they say they will do, this big part of me, and this big part of my spirit that allows me to soar and find joy and excitement in things, has been greatly depressed.
I haven't been able to help with our yard, and I have had to sit back and be at the mercy of everyone else's time schedules, or flat out lack of even showing up. Every single project I have been excited about and have wanted to work on this spring and summer, has been put off so much, or become so frustrating, that I have lost the excitement and joy in my biggest hobby and part of me that can create, work and blossom.
This seems silly to a lot of people, but my mom completely understands this big part of me, and how having this so suppressed has really dampened my spirits and my excitement. I didn't really have to say much to her about it...she just knew.
On Saturday, in just half of a day, my mom and sister turned our front flower bed, which has been a massive pile of rock, weeds and dirt, into this.
It is a symbol of hope to me. Hope that someday, my yard will be a place of beauty, and that at some point it will all work out, even though it will take over a year longer than anticipated, and I had pretty much lost my joy and excitement in putting in our yard. Too many contractors not showing up, to many broken promises, to many goals missed. I had given up hope in people doing what they say they would.
It is a symbol of love. Every time I look at this, I know that someone out there loved me enough to spend their vacation time working in the hot sun, to create something for me that would boost my spirits and bring beauty into my life. My mom and Kelsey worked and worked and worked until this was done. They could have spent the day relaxing, shopping and playing. Probably what they really wanted to do, but instead they sacrificed their comfort and wants, for me. I had no idea how desperately I just needed someone to take care of me, and to show me that the sacrifice was worth it...I was worth it.
It is a symbol of hope. When I see this, I feel hope that things will be OK. If an ugly piece of dirt, weeds and rock can be turned into something this beautiful, than this hard, ugly time of my life, where I feel so frustrated, sick and down, will end with something so beautiful and precious, that it will be more than worth it all in the end. I know it will, it is just that sometimes the hormones, bland diet and vitamin deficiencies can easily squelch this.
On top of this, she and my sister, and my kids all helped me clean out our horribly cluttered and dirty garage that has been driving me absolutely crazy for months, but that I could never clean on my own. Every time I pull into our garage, I have gotten so frustrated, with no way to fix it.
Now, the garage is spotless, there's plenty of room, I don't trip on bikes every time I get out of the car, and I am not humiliated every time I open the garage door. Because of all of the helping and willing hands, and unbelievable work ethic of my mom and sister, we got it done in about 4 hours. I cannot tell you how much this boosted my morale and my spirits.
A project completed. Hard work, working until it was done, and helping hands.
This was the best medicine I could ask for.
My love language, my personality, and my passion, all fulfilled in the simple act of cleaning a garage.
They also helped me with the kids, we went to a park, celebrated the last day of school, went shopping, got snow cones, and because of all the extra helping hands, I was able to do these things without passing out from exhaustion and fatigue.
My mom was an understanding, listening ear. She was patient when I complained and loving and sympathetic. She didn't make me feel like a broken record of complaints, she didn't make me feel weak or selfish, she didn't try to fix it all, she didn't get upset with me for struggling, or treat me differently. She just listened and let me know that everything I was feeling was justified and real. She sympathized. She reminded me that this is hard, and would be hard for anyone, and that is OK. She found my need, even though I didn't say it, and created beauty in my life.
When she and my sister left, I felt myself yearning for her to stay. She was such a beacon of hope, love and understanding for me, and she knew what I needed better than I did. I just wanted to keep hanging on to that.
I am so blessed to have my mother in my life. She is a lifesaver, and she came at just the right time.
She truly understands what I could not say, and she turned my sad and frustrated heart into one of hope, courage, and strength to move forward.