Naturally, after you lose something, especially a precious part of your family, you feel a sense of loss. I am well aware of the empty feeling in my belly and the ache in my heart when I meet up with a "trigger," or when my thoughts go back to the beginning of June. I don't burst into tears anymore during these moments, but I do almost feel a physical pain. These feelings have been a constant companion this last month and 1/2 and I am growing to learn to handle them and learn from them. It doesn't make them any easier though.
There is one feeling however, that seems to catch me by surprise every time it occurs. It is quite new. It is the feeling that someone is missing. It happens at the most random times, but when it does, it hits really hard and leaves me feeling empty handed.
The other day, our family was walking outside, and I felt so strongly that someone was missing. I even counted our family members and made sure everyone was there. Even though we were all there, I still felt and knew that in reality, we weren't ALL there.
It also hit me in church today. We were sitting there in the bench, listening to the speaker, and I looked at my family. I looked at Mary and then at Sam, my thoughts wondering about how special they are, and then I began looking for our 3rd child. It just felt so natural that another should be there. Again, even though we were all there, I knew in my aching heart, that we weren't ALL there.
This seems to happen a lot at the park and even in the car. It even happened once during Mary's gymnastics class. It catches me off-guard every time.
I know with all of my aching heart that someone indeed is missing, but I also know that this certain someone, is a vital part of our family, and has not left us for good.
My baby is near, and in it's own precious way, is letting me know. One day, I will fill this void, and what a wondrous day it will be. And although it hurts and aches, the quiet whisperings in my heart tell me time and time again that our family will be whole once more. Angels never leave us.