My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


We spent this past Labor Day weekend in Colorado Springs.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect as we began our trip back to the place where we left a piece of our hearts just over a year ago. We were all very excited and looking forward to meeting up with good friends and being back in the absolutely gorgeous town that we couldn't get enough of, even when we lived there.

I knew it could be a little difficult, but I wasn't ready for the major flood of emotions that swelled up inside of my heart as we drove up to Colorado Springs, and only got stronger throughout the time we were there.

I am usually pretty open on my blog. I am not normally a very open person, but I have always felt for some reason, that my blog is a place where I need to be. Some posts can be very uncomfortable for me to put out there, but there is always a feeling that I am doing something I should be doing, so I go for it.

To be honest, this time, I just don't know what to write. I am so incredibly vunerable right now. My heart hurts, and it hurts badly. In order to protect it, I am not going to go into much detail about the thoughts and feelings that plagued me on this trip. I am needing to take a step back and let my feelings get back to their proper place.

We are happy here in in Utah. We have wonderful friends and neighbors. Our home is in a wonderful location. We have been so very blessed. I have no reason to complain, and I honestly am happy here.

That said, it literally almost killed me to be in Colorado Springs, and to feel so much like I was home, that sometimes I felt like it still really was. Once the realization would come, like a slap in the face, that we were visitors this time, the tears would flow and I would hurt. My spirit was home there, my heart was home there, and I ached with every part of my soul, to still be a part of that wonderous place.

I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I felt the warm embrace of numerous friends that in my heart and mind, are family. I clung to them, and didn't want to let go. I stared and stared and stared at the beauty. I felt so many feelings and emotions, it was almost like drowning in the ocean. One wave after the next, without time to recover and get your feet on the ground. Everywhere held a memory, a feeling, and a piece of me.

And I prayed. What was said in those prayers, I don't feel the need to share. But I needed my Heavenly Fathers help this weekend in more ways than one. And I still need him near me, to help me heal my heart and gain some understanding.

Sometimes the Lord asks us to sacrifice, and we won't know why. But one thing that Ben continued to tell me over and over and over again, is that the Lord will bless those who are willing to sacrifice for Him. Moving from Colorado Springs was the single most difficult sacrifice I have ever had to make. Ben will say the same for him. One day we were planning our life there, our long term dreams and goals...and one strong revelation and two months later, we had a house in Utah. The next month, we were gone. And so was a part of my heart, a very big part.

I am clinging to my faith right now, and the hope that I will get the anwers I yearn for and the peace I need. The Lord needs us here in Utah, and I know that. I can never deny the feeling I felt when the Lord told me that we would be leaving Colorado, and we would be leaving very soon. My heart broke into a million pieces, but my spirit knew it was right, and Ben and I chose to obey the Lord. That is why we are here.

Overall, I do not regret going back to Colorado. As a family, we had a wonderful time. In fact, we decided to make it, it the least, an annual trip. We took pictures and had some blog worthy moments, and I will probably post those at a later time. For now though, I need to protect my heart once more and go forward with faith.


shaina said...

I understand your feelings. It was good to see you and I'm glad you had a nice trip.

Adri said...

Oh, we were so glad you would come! We miss you here, but honor your ability to be where you know you are supposed to be. Come back, soon!

runningfan said...

Sorry it was such a tough trip! I know all too well the pain of needing to be one place and wanting to be in another. Good luck finding your peace with it all.

Colleen said...

It was amazing to see you in church and think it was so natural for you to be there, like you hadn't left at all! I am so sad I missed the park visit. I, too, know the feeling of being torn between two places. It does hurt! And it is hard!! But I am thankful for the knowledge you have that even though "home" feels like two different places, Utah is where you are supposed to be.

Jeff and Lori said...

It took me a second at church to realize you were visiting! For a split second, I thought, "Hey there's the Maynards." Then I thought, "Wait, that's the MAYNARD's!" It felt natural to have you there. Wish I could have chatted, but I was subbing in nursery and had to rush ;) Good to see you though!