My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Monday, December 14, 2009

And the rain came tumbling down..again and again and again

You know those moments when all you want to do is cry, but you know it will get you nowhere and make nothing better. In fact, it will probably freak out your kids, give you a headache, and leave you feeling more tired than before.

I am there. I am sooooo there.

As I type this, I am hunched over and standing up. Why you ask? My flipin' back went out on me! Yes, you heard me right, my back is trashed to the point of no sleep, no standing upright, no sitting and constant never ending pain.

Great timing huh. I couldn't have planned it better myself. Because Ben's surgery, Christmas, Mary's Birthday, our anniversary, pregnancy, Mary's breakdown at gymnastics, an out of control two year old, and the events of the whole stinkin' year haven't been enough as it is. I might as well have my back go out this week...just for kicks ya know.

I called the doctor today, after a night of no sleep and horrible pain. I won't even start on the dreams I had about losing the baby. Those were fun.
Not to mention that this is the glorious week I have been dreading. The week I lost the baby in my last pregnancy. And guess what the first sign of the miscarriage was....yup, severe back pain (the only other time in my entire life that I have had back pain). Hooray for me. And hooray for the timing of it all.

I called the nurse and they got me in within the hour. Dr. Weary must have known what my mental condition was, having back pain on this very week. Much to our HUGE relief, the baby is just fine. My back however, is not.

There is nothing severe, just muscles so tense that I feel like my back is pulling into itself and out of itself at the same time. I can't stand up straight, picking Sam up makes me literally gasp, lying down is the worst, and best of all driving KILLS!

Guess who is the designated driver for our 14 hour drive THIS FRIDAY. Me. Why? Because Ben is drugged and just had surgery. Not the best mixture for being behind the wheel.

Dr. Weary did prescribe some stuff for me, but I can't take it. Not while Ben is so drugged. He needs his drugs more than I need mine right now. Who would take the kids, take care of meals, clean the house, finish up Christmas, drive us to Idaho, call Walmart Customer Service about the calendar they lost that took me 3 months to make for someone, tame our wild kids and basically hold down the fort. I can't do that while taking a serious muscle relaxer, or vicodin, as glorious as that sounds.

I honestly think that through everything we have been dealt this year, we have held our heads high. We have kept the faith, we have continued to put one foot in front of the other, and we have tried our absolute best to keep our attitudes in check. Many of you, by this point, probably figure that our family is just one of those that "always has to have something wrong." I can assure you, after this year, I have wondered that myself, but honestly, it is not true. I can think of no other time in our lives that we have had so many crazy things happen to us, and no, we don't enjoy even one second of any of it. For whatever reason, this year has just been one of serious trial and illness for us. We have put up a good fight and we have tried our hardest to take what has come. None of which was brought on by ourselves. Fate had fun with us this year. We have been slammed.

I think this may just be the last straw for me. I am tired. I am sick of being sick. I am EXHAUSTED not only from the past week, but probably from the last six months. My ability to stay strong and keep holding on is tired and weak. My body and emotions just can't handle much more, and neither can Ben's.

I can assure you that on New Year's Eve, as my family and I stand around the Christmas tree with our Roman Candles ready to start the blaze, I will hold an extra one, just for us. Just to blast this year away. I am so ready for a New Year, a new season, and hopefully some time of peace and calm in our lives.

So, there is my post. I am sure it left all of you feeling so warm and fuzzy inside. Sorry...just keepin' it real. Very, very real. Think what you want of me...negative, complainer, scrooge, wimp. I don't care anymore. A year of this will do that to a person. I have tried, and I am still standing, sort of. That is enough for me.

Now I will go see why the kids are literally screaming at eachother for the 10th time today. I am sure this will be so fun. Oh wait, Sam is now bawling and asking me to hold him. Joy. My back will love this.

After I put the kids in time-out for the 10th time today, I take my hunched over self to the closet for a good cry, maybe a prayer, and then I will get up and start putting one weary foot in front of the other.
What else is there to do.


Lisa said...

Becky, you poor thing! Really! Back pain is so debilitating and exhausting. We are still praying for you, I wish I were nearby so I could come help! Makes me count my blessings for our health and well-being. You are amazing to still be going at it. It's okay to vent and stomp it out. We won't judge you. You've held up so well through all of this, it's okay to loose it now and then.
I love you!

Familia Morales said...

Go ahead and vent all you want, it's well deserved. So sorry about your horrible year, wish there was something I could do for you.


You deserve to vent a little. Just remember that this time next year you will be looking back at how this year has made you stronger. Keep smiling it can only go up from here!

Colleen said...

Oh no! I am so happy to hear the baby is ok, but Becky! How awful. You have EVERY reason to feel just as you do. You have kept your chin up so much, but it is just fine to let go and get it all out. You are none of those things you listed at the end, just a woman who has had enough of the crap! I've had my back go out on me three times, and it is terrible, I know exactly how you are feeling. I am keeping you in my prayers, and really, just take one of those muscle relaxers, put on a movie for the kids and be still for a bit.

Ben and Megan said...

Oh my goodness Becky. Please, you need to ask for help. I'm sure there's someone in the ward who could help you - call the R.S. president, you deserve meals brought to you and a babysitter. Who cares if your kids have already been babysat a lot because of Ben's surgery. It's just a bad week and don't feel bad for that. Don't be afraid to ask for help! I'm so glad the baby is ok, we'll keep praying for you guys. We love you!

Trinette McCrary said...

I'm so sorry. Hang in there. We all have our trials, but it doesn't mean it is easy.

Heather said...

You guys have been hit so hard this year and a person can only take so much until they are ready to burst! You can vent all you want and no, I don't think you are a complainer at all! Just remember: when it rains, it pours, then the sun eventually comes out and make everything beautiful again. I pray that your family will be blessed with 'beautiful' things this next year! You deserve it! Drive safe to see your family and enjoy every minute of the holidays with them. And most of all.... get feeling better soon!!!

J&E said...

Way to keep it real sista'. Thank goodness for prayer and that our Savior has already had to carry our burdens before. I'm so grateful we can go to Him. Love you Becky. We'll see you guys soon!