You know those moments when all you want to do is cry, but you know it will get you nowhere and make nothing better. In fact, it will probably freak out your kids, give you a headache, and leave you feeling more tired than before.
I am there. I am sooooo there.
As I type this, I am hunched over and standing up. Why you ask? My flipin' back went out on me! Yes, you heard me right, my back is trashed to the point of no sleep, no standing upright, no sitting and constant never ending pain.
Great timing huh. I couldn't have planned it better myself. Because Ben's surgery, Christmas, Mary's Birthday, our anniversary, pregnancy, Mary's breakdown at gymnastics, an out of control two year old, and the events of the whole stinkin' year haven't been enough as it is. I might as well have my back go out this week...just for kicks ya know.
I called the doctor today, after a night of no sleep and horrible pain. I won't even start on the dreams I had about losing the baby. Those were fun.
Not to mention that this is the glorious week I have been dreading. The week I lost the baby in my last pregnancy. And guess what the first sign of the miscarriage was....yup, severe back pain (the only other time in my entire life that I have had back pain). Hooray for me. And hooray for the timing of it all.
I called the nurse and they got me in within the hour. Dr. Weary must have known what my mental condition was, having back pain on this very week. Much to our HUGE relief, the baby is just fine. My back however, is not.
There is nothing severe, just muscles so tense that I feel like my back is pulling into itself and out of itself at the same time. I can't stand up straight, picking Sam up makes me literally gasp, lying down is the worst, and best of all driving KILLS!
Guess who is the designated driver for our 14 hour drive THIS FRIDAY. Me. Why? Because Ben is drugged and just had surgery. Not the best mixture for being behind the wheel.
Dr. Weary did prescribe some stuff for me, but I can't take it. Not while Ben is so drugged. He needs his drugs more than I need mine right now. Who would take the kids, take care of meals, clean the house, finish up Christmas, drive us to Idaho, call Walmart Customer Service about the calendar they lost that took me 3 months to make for someone, tame our wild kids and basically hold down the fort. I can't do that while taking a serious muscle relaxer, or vicodin, as glorious as that sounds.
I honestly think that through everything we have been dealt this year, we have held our heads high. We have kept the faith, we have continued to put one foot in front of the other, and we have tried our absolute best to keep our attitudes in check. Many of you, by this point, probably figure that our family is just one of those that "always has to have something wrong." I can assure you, after this year, I have wondered that myself, but honestly, it is not true. I can think of no other time in our lives that we have had so many crazy things happen to us, and no, we don't enjoy even one second of any of it. For whatever reason, this year has just been one of serious trial and illness for us. We have put up a good fight and we have tried our hardest to take what has come. None of which was brought on by ourselves. Fate had fun with us this year. We have been slammed.
I think this may just be the last straw for me. I am tired. I am sick of being sick. I am EXHAUSTED not only from the past week, but probably from the last six months. My ability to stay strong and keep holding on is tired and weak. My body and emotions just can't handle much more, and neither can Ben's.
I can assure you that on New Year's Eve, as my family and I stand around the Christmas tree with our Roman Candles ready to start the blaze, I will hold an extra one, just for us. Just to blast this year away. I am so ready for a New Year, a new season, and hopefully some time of peace and calm in our lives.
So, there is my post. I am sure it left all of you feeling so warm and fuzzy inside. Sorry...just keepin' it real. Very, very real. Think what you want of me...negative, complainer, scrooge, wimp. I don't care anymore. A year of this will do that to a person. I have tried, and I am still standing, sort of. That is enough for me.
Now I will go see why the kids are literally screaming at eachother for the 10th time today. I am sure this will be so fun. Oh wait, Sam is now bawling and asking me to hold him. Joy. My back will love this.
After I put the kids in time-out for the 10th time today, I take my hunched over self to the closet for a good cry, maybe a prayer, and then I will get up and start putting one weary foot in front of the other.
What else is there to do.