(it is too late at night for me to blare the song that is playing on our blog, so do it for me. It is a great song and kind of shows my feelings right now)
O.K. this will be my last picture-less post, and hopefully my last post written out of pure frustration.
I already know I am being a big baby about this whole thing, and things could be way worse, yadda yadda yadda, but you know what...life pretty much sucks right now.
I NEED A BREAK..mentally and physically!
Ben is doing everything he can to try to help me with my double duty load since he has been hurt, and I am so grateful for that. But this load gets heavier every day, and my nerves get shorter every day...and Sam gets fussier every day. (good thing he is so stinkin' cute and gives me lots of kisses)
Tonight for instance...I tried so hard to do something for me and get in a little break. All I wanted to do was to get Sam to sleep and to stop whining in my face every 5 seconds, drink some hot chocolate, watch Lost with Ben, and not have to get up off the couch the rest of the night.
Well, Sam and Mary ended up whining right as I sat down, I ended up trying to help Mary while Sam dumped my hot chocolate I hadn't even tasted yet all over his head and ALL over the kitchen floor and cabinets. He proceeded to scream while Mary whined that she wanted to watch the show. Ben was stuck on the couch icing his knee with a look of "I want to help you right now, but I can't." The evening ended with me storming up the stairs with Sam, cleaning him off, changing him and spending the next 45 minutes getting him to bed. Mary fell asleep sad because she didn't get to watch Lost,(major guilt), Ben fell alseep on the couch waiting for me to come back down (more guilt), and now the house is finally quiet, I finally have some peace, and I am too exhausted and upset to even care. No hot chocolate, no Lost, and no time to relax and unwind. This pattern seems to be happening way too much lately (minus the hot chocolate and Lost). Seems like right when there is a chance for a break, something happens, and I am back on my feet again. AAGGGHHH!!! The hot chocolate is probably now hardening all over our wood floor in the midst of the messy kitchen and living room I have already cleaned 10 times today but is still cluttered and messy. Can't wait to wake up and clean it.
I don't want anyone to think that Ben isn't doing his best to help me though. He really is doing all he can, and I really am grateful for all he is doing. I am just being a big baby and can't seem to get my act together. Ben came home this afternoon, so I could go visiting teaching without dragging the kids all over with me. I LOVED my hour of peace. He is amazing. I almost wish he was just sick with something that would be gone in a few days (not that I want him to be sick). This could last for a long time...especially if surgery is in the future. I need to find a way to deal. If he does end up needing surgery, I really need to figure this out, so I can be better when that rolls around. Maybe this is my pre-test. Yikes, I am pretty much failing.
It has always been hard on me to live away from home, but times like this make me literally feel sick because I miss home so much. I would LOVE to have a day or two to just shop with my mom and sister (and get some clothes that are in style), go out to lunch and enjoy it, watch a movie without interruptions, sit by the bonfire and tell all sorts of funny family stories that we have all heard a million times, but still laugh at, talk out all of the frustration, let someone else cook dinner, and just get back on my feet again. Sometimes, family can somehow make things feel so much better.
For now, I am in real life, family is 100's of miles away and we can't go there, and they can't come here, and I need to deal with it. Ben needs me and I need to be there for him. He doesn't deserve a basket case for a wife in the time he needs me most. (here I am complaining, while Ben is the one down there with the torn up knee) The kids need a mother, and a happy one, Sam needs to be held...a lot, the house won't clean itself, the dinner won't make itself, and a maid won't magically appear at our doorstep, so I guess I just need to put my chin up and throw my mental break downs in the hands of God. My family needs and deserves a stronger wife/mother right now, so hopefully this vent will pull out the weakness and leave room for strength to overcome. Tomorrow is a new day...and hopefully a better one. Good night.