My Reasons

My Reasons

This Is Where It All Begins

This Is Where It All Begins

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Venting

(it is too late at night for me to blare the song that is playing on our blog, so do it for me. It is a great song and kind of shows my feelings right now)

O.K. this will be my last picture-less post, and hopefully my last post written out of pure frustration.
I already know I am being a big baby about this whole thing, and things could be way worse, yadda yadda yadda, but you know what...life pretty much sucks right now.
I NEED A BREAK..mentally and physically!
Ben is doing everything he can to try to help me with my double duty load since he has been hurt, and I am so grateful for that. But this load gets heavier every day, and my nerves get shorter every day...and Sam gets fussier every day. (good thing he is so stinkin' cute and gives me lots of kisses)
Tonight for instance...I tried so hard to do something for me and get in a little break. All I wanted to do was to get Sam to sleep and to stop whining in my face every 5 seconds, drink some hot chocolate, watch Lost with Ben, and not have to get up off the couch the rest of the night.
Well, Sam and Mary ended up whining right as I sat down, I ended up trying to help Mary while Sam dumped my hot chocolate I hadn't even tasted yet all over his head and ALL over the kitchen floor and cabinets. He proceeded to scream while Mary whined that she wanted to watch the show. Ben was stuck on the couch icing his knee with a look of "I want to help you right now, but I can't." The evening ended with me storming up the stairs with Sam, cleaning him off, changing him and spending the next 45 minutes getting him to bed. Mary fell asleep sad because she didn't get to watch Lost,(major guilt), Ben fell alseep on the couch waiting for me to come back down (more guilt), and now the house is finally quiet, I finally have some peace, and I am too exhausted and upset to even care. No hot chocolate, no Lost, and no time to relax and unwind. This pattern seems to be happening way too much lately (minus the hot chocolate and Lost). Seems like right when there is a chance for a break, something happens, and I am back on my feet again. AAGGGHHH!!! The hot chocolate is probably now hardening all over our wood floor in the midst of the messy kitchen and living room I have already cleaned 10 times today but is still cluttered and messy. Can't wait to wake up and clean it.
I don't want anyone to think that Ben isn't doing his best to help me though. He really is doing all he can, and I really am grateful for all he is doing. I am just being a big baby and can't seem to get my act together. Ben came home this afternoon, so I could go visiting teaching without dragging the kids all over with me. I LOVED my hour of peace. He is amazing. I almost wish he was just sick with something that would be gone in a few days (not that I want him to be sick). This could last for a long time...especially if surgery is in the future. I need to find a way to deal. If he does end up needing surgery, I really need to figure this out, so I can be better when that rolls around. Maybe this is my pre-test. Yikes, I am pretty much failing.
It has always been hard on me to live away from home, but times like this make me literally feel sick because I miss home so much. I would LOVE to have a day or two to just shop with my mom and sister (and get some clothes that are in style), go out to lunch and enjoy it, watch a movie without interruptions, sit by the bonfire and tell all sorts of funny family stories that we have all heard a million times, but still laugh at, talk out all of the frustration, let someone else cook dinner, and just get back on my feet again. Sometimes, family can somehow make things feel so much better.
For now, I am in real life, family is 100's of miles away and we can't go there, and they can't come here, and I need to deal with it. Ben needs me and I need to be there for him. He doesn't deserve a basket case for a wife in the time he needs me most. (here I am complaining, while Ben is the one down there with the torn up knee) The kids need a mother, and a happy one, Sam needs to be held...a lot, the house won't clean itself, the dinner won't make itself, and a maid won't magically appear at our doorstep, so I guess I just need to put my chin up and throw my mental break downs in the hands of God. My family needs and deserves a stronger wife/mother right now, so hopefully this vent will pull out the weakness and leave room for strength to overcome. Tomorrow is a new day...and hopefully a better one. Good night.

8 comments:

runningfan said...

Sounds like we're in the same boat for different reasons. Hang in there! You aren't alone!

Darci and Ryan said...

Wish I was there to help out!! It is really hard not being able to just call up family and have them help you out. I understand that. Hang in there. Love ya!!

Colleen said...

I defintiely know what you mean about missing family so much in these tough times. I am so sorry it has been such a rough week and the end isn't in sight! When Adam was working out here while we were trying to sell the house back in WA, I always thought, "This single parenting is not what I signed up for!" And with Ben down and out, that is really what you are doing, even though he does what he can. I hope that knee heals quickly, hang in there, and don't get down on yourself because you are frustrated or not the happy, perfect wife/mother right now...this is hard!

Jessica Kay said...

Ohhh I hope things look up for you this next week!! You can do this and the time will pass. You run marathons girl!! You can take this! Think of all that you've accomplished and just add "being super-mom" on your list and you'll tackle in it no time =) Don't all women work with lists...anyways, hang in there, you are stronger than you think!

Familia Morales said...

Hang in there, it'll end sometime. And remember you don't have to be superwoman 24/7. I really hope you get that much needed break soon.

Nancy said...

Ok, here's the deal. You think I'm all amazing because I've gone a year as a single mom and I'm still happy. First of all, I'm on anti-depressents and recently had to add another pill for anxiety. That does help, I won't lie. I'm also EXTREMELY far from family so there's no one I can just hand off Jaron to... or so it would seem. You'd be surprised though, how many people would be willing to take one or both of your kids for an afternoon so you can get a break. Seriously, I've taken Jaron to my neighbors house and told them to take him for a while for his own safety. I go home and clean or do whatever and it seems to help. Your friends totally understand what you are going through so don't feel ashamed to call them up and ask for help. That's what I do... that's ALL I can do. I have amazing friends that will take him at the drop of a hat, but I wouldn't know that if I didn't dump him off on them sometimes. When he returns from playing at their house, he's SO happy and cooperative with me because HE got a break from ME! It goes both ways. With Ben out for a while, consider yourself a single Mom and just do all you can. He knows that you're pulling all the slack and I'm sure he understands when the hot chocolate is crusted to the floor. Don't expect too much of yourself and if the house is a disaster and you don't want to clean it... don't. If you'd rather play with your kids, just play. The house can wait. Ben will understand. Your kids won't notice. I think maybe if you gave the kids more of the attention you're spending on keeping the house clean (or whatever) they will probably be a lot happier and more cooperative when you need them to be (to watch Lost, for example.)

Something else that I do to get a break is take Jaron to a daycare for a few hours a day a few days a week. It gives me a chance to go to the store by myself, clean the house, take a nap, shower, go shopping for clothes, or whatever. Sometimes I trade off time with my neighbor too. I watch her son while she does stuff for a few hours, and then she watches Jaron while I do stuff. It's amazing how much you can get done and how good you will feel.

So this probably should have been an email because it's so long. I'm sad to read your frusterations because I've been in similiar situations. I know how it just seems like a downward spiral. You have to find time for yourself away from your kids and you'll feel tons better. Pretend you are me if you need to... husband deployed, family in another country. Make a way to get a break. You can do it. It's easier than you think. I Love you Becky. I'm here for you. You can call me if you need to vent more. (Just not after 2 p.m. your time.)
Again, love you!

Kiera and Brian said...

It always helps a bit to vent! Anyway, it's been so long! Mary was probably 18 months since we saw you last and look at her now! She is so beautiful! and now you have a son? They are both so beautiful and look so happy.

Erin said...

Hang in there...just remember this is just a small moment in time...soon it will pass. Tell Ben we hope he gets better soon.