stupor of thought

I have officially reached my original due date today.  I have been given several due dates, as I have had quite a few ultrasounds, and each one shows a different due date.

My original due date was today, September 6th.  It was then changed to September 13th (a week from today) in my second trimester.

Our little girl has had a few phases where she hasn't grown for a few weeks, and therefore, at this point, is about 2 weeks behind in measurements.

She seems to be just fine though, it just messes with the due dates.

Anyway, I scheduled an induction at my last OB appointment.  It was set for Monday, yup, two days from now.  It was not going to be with my doctor, but she is on call until Monday.  Another reason I have really wanted to have our baby this weekend.

The non stress tests this month have all gone well for our baby, my body is more ready than ever (dilated to over a 4 now, baby's head is already engaged, and 90% effaced), and aside from measuring small, all seems to be fine. 

There is a score called the Bishop's Score, that they give you to tell how ready you are to be induced.  It goes from 1-10.  Anything above a 7 is good for being induced.  I am at a 10.

For whatever reason though, from the moment I set up the induction date, I have felt a sense of panic.  I have felt a huge pressure to get her here before the induction day.  I have felt uneasy about the whole thing, and instead of feeling excitement about knowing the exact day our little girl will be here, I have felt dread and worry.

This past week, three times, I had contractions for over 10 hours, 10 minutes apart, and then they stop.  Every time has been through the night.  Each time they leave me upset, frustrated and more panicked as the induction has come closer.

I even resorted to trying Clary Sage Oil, and lavender, which put 2 of my friends into labor last month.  I lathered myself up in it, rubbed it into my feet, rubbed it on the bump, and slept with a towel soaked in it by my pillow.

After soaking myself in this oil, I went on a big walk last night, and did cardio at the gym today for over an hour.

So far, all I have gotten from this, is a huge headache from the nasty smell, a good workout,  a lot of frustration, and a very nasty, oily body.

Today, I finally realized that there is a big chance that our baby was going to make it to induction day.  Something my doctors were almost positive would not happen.  They were so sure she would come this week.  I wasn't as sure as them, but I was hopeful.

I found myself panicking today when thinking of the induction in two days, instead of being excited.

My personality is a perfect fit for induction.  It is planned, I can have the pantry stocked, the house cleaned, the hospital bag ready, babysitters lined up, my mom ready to come.  To me, that gives me so much peace of mind.

This time around, even the worry about an unknown delivery day, possibly scrambling to find sitters in the middle of the night until my mom gets here, a possible messy house, etc., still hasn't made me feel better about getting induced.  In the past, it has been great.  I have no reason really to worry.

Today, after talking with Ben, and after sincere prayer last night, we decided to cancel the induction.

For whatever reason, our little girl needs to come when she comes.  My body and hers need the right timing...God's timing. 

Unless I have the baby by tomorrow night, I will not have my doctor.  This has worried me a lot, because I really trust my doctor, but I trust God more.  He will put the baby and I in good hands.

As I have stressed and worried about the induction, and trying to get her here before that, I have had all sorts of uneasy feelings and stupor of thought.  The scripture about having a stupor of thought when something isn't right has been rolling around in my head.

It was so interesting how, as soon as Ben hung up the phone with labor and delivery, cancelling the induction, I felt a huge sense of relief and peace come over me.

I still would love for our baby girl to come this weekend, today would be great, but I now feel excited and hopeful once again, and I am no longer feeling stressed to make any kind of deadline.

I have never just gone into labor on my own, so I don't know what to expect, especially with my body being this far along already, but I am excited to see what happens and I know that God has his hand in this.  I just really hope that giving birth in the store, or the car, are not in that plan.  :)

I am anxious to see what this next week will bring, and most of all, we are all pacing the floors waiting to get our sweet little girl here safely in our arms.