musings of the last day

Well, since the last post, we have had an interesting turn of events concerning our baby, and when and how she will come.

Yesterday, Sunday, I left my phone in my purse in the car all day, and didn't realize it until about 10:00pm.

When I got my phone, I had a bunch of missed calls and messages from various people. Most of which were friends and family asking if the baby was here.  :)   I have good people in my life.
 One message and call, was from my OB, Dr. Sabella.

I found it odd that she would call me on a Sunday afternoon, obviously not normal business hours, so I checked her message.

She informed me that there may have been some confusion about the induction I had cancelled, and  if I wanted, she could do an induction for me Tuesday morning...tomorrow.

A lot of my turmoil about being induced this time around, has been because Dr. Sabella was not going to be the one doing it.  It was scheduled with another doctor.  Dr. Sabella was not going to be available at all for the next 2 weeks. 

I also have just really, really, really wanted to experience going in to labor on my own.  For some reason, I have deeply wanted to have this experience with my baby, and my body...just once. It has been a really big deal to me.

The message from doctor Sabella last night, really jolted me, and threw me off guard.  It put us right back in the position of choosing between induction or not.  This time, with the induction being with my doctor, which has felt pretty important to us, and played a big role in our decision before.

I decided to wait until I called her this morning, and talked to her, before making any kind of decision last night.

I ended up in false labor the entire night, and did not get any sleep until 4:00 this morning.  The contractions were hard enough to keep me up, but not close enough to go to the hospital. The kids were up at 6:30.  Two and a half hours of sleep for me.  Rock on.

I talked to Katrina, doctor Sabella's nurse this morning, and there had been a mix up.  Somehow Dr. Sabella thought that I had transferred my care over to another doctor, therefore, she had scheduled my induction for yesterday with the other doctor.  She could have done it all along, but thought I didn't want her. 

Somehow, on Sunday, she realized there may have been a mix up (after me cancelling that induction), and called to double check, and to offer to do the induction herself.  The catch is that she leaves Wednesday, and will be gone for the entire next week.  Without the induction tomorrow, I have no chance of delivering with her.  She also wanted me to know, that with gestational diabetes, it is recommended not to go the full 40 weeks.  I can see why, the past 3 days, my blood sugar numbers have been horrible.

I had to choose between a guarantee of having the doctor we feel so strongly I need to have, and being induced tomorrow, or catering to my desire and strong need to go into labor on my own, and not having her be the delivery doctor.

Yes, I was forced to make a very big decision on 2.5 hours of sleep, being extremely down a frustrated with the false labor, and with the two younger boys being much more energetic, needy and demanding than normal, while also being sore from labor all night.  Combine that with all of the emotions and hormones flooding through me, and it was too much.  I finally broke down a few hours ago into a blubbering, snotty, snorting, crying mess, right in the middle of the garage while trying to get the boys out for a walk.  Enough is enough sometimes. William witnessed this scene, and walked up to me, patted me on the bum (the only place he can reach) and said, "It's ok mom, you are just tired." 

The morning continued to spiral downhill, and I wasn't even able to make it through a prayer for guidance, without being interrupted by crying, fighting, and demands for food, or help.  It felt like the boys were way more demanding and needy than ever.  Interesting how that happens, when I needed to be close to the spirit and making a big decision.  Satan really stinks.  I about lost my mind.  There was absolutely no way for me to pray, receive revelation, or really even try to figure things out, with the way the morning went.

I texted Ben and told him that he needed to pray and get the revelation for us, I wasn't in a position to make a decision or to have the quiet I needed for revelation.  I also was so tired and stressed that I couldn't think straight. I am so grateful for a husband that has the same belief and conviction as I do, and that I can completely trust to receive revelation for me and our family.  That was a really big comfort for me today. Thankfully, Ben received an answer.  It feels right, and I trust him completely.  I know it is what we should do, it is just hard.

We are going to do the induction tomorrow with Doctor Sabella.  It does feel right, and good, I just can't help but be so sad about probably not ever being able to experience going into labor on my own.  I don't know why it has been such a big deal to me, but it has, and I feel really sad about it.  Even though I feel sad, it is very different from feeling that the decision is wrong.  I can feel sad, but still know something is right.  It just makes it hard. 

I am still praying that somehow I can still go into labor on my own tonight, and have doctor Sabella there in the morning.  That would be the perfect scenario, but I also am putting it all I God's hands.  His ways are not always my ways, but it is the better way.  He has carried this pregnancy through to this point, and I know without any doubt, that it is only through His grace that our baby has made it through these past 10 months.  Why should I not trust Him now, with the delivery.

So, I guess this is my last day being pregnant...ever.  My last day eating the carb starve diet.  My last day ever having a baby in my womb.  My last day feeling the kicking and squirming of life inside of me.  My last day being hot, huge, uncomfortable, and exhausted from it all.  My last day feeling the deep inner joy and sacredness of pregnancy.  It is bitter sweet, and exciting, and sad, and exhausting, and happy, and confusing, all at the same time.

I am extremely grateful for the blessing I have been given to be able to conceive and bear children.  I know it is a gift and a blessing, and I do not take it for granted.  I am humbled by it all.

I can't believe my child bearing days are officially over tomorrow.  It hasn't sunk in yet.  What a surreal day. 

I guess now it is time to clean the house, stock up on my favorite cereals, await the arrival of my awesome mother who is coming tonight, and prep for the long awaited arrival of our precious daughter. 

See you tomorrow sweet girl.