can't find the words

Seven weeks ago, I had an ultrasound at a high risk clinic in Salt Lake.  They were doing some genetic testing on the baby, because the baby and I had a rough first trimester, and there was concern about it greatly effecting the baby.

The baby looked great, but the radiologist mentioned that my placenta was in a weird place, and could possibly be a very severe condition called placenta accreta.  This would be life threatening to me during delivery, and would require a C-section at 32 weeks, and a hysterectomy immediately after.  It would also mean bed rest the entire 3rd trimester.  The mortality rate of that condition is 10%.

After telling me all of this, the radiologist said, "but we don't know for sure, so just come back in 7 weeks for the anatomy ultrasound of the baby, and we will know then."

Seriously!?!  Oh, and did I mention that she also told me not to worry.  Bahahahaha.

I did my best not to worry, I really did.  I tried to bask in the ignorance, and just enjoy the period of time that we could pretend all was well, but it was really hard!
The nightmares came, the worry, the what if's, the second guessing of planning anything this summer ensued, the worry of being forced to miss my sister's wedding, the fear of hemorrhaging randomly, with no way to stop it in time, (a major symptom of that condition, and the biggest problem) and so on.  It has been a very long 7 weeks, to say the least.

I have also had a ton of anxiety about the gender of our baby.  NOT because I wanted one gender above another.   I am happy with my daughter and my sons, equally, and would love another of either gender.  It was because of something much deeper, on a very spiritual and personal level.  Something that is too sacred and personal to share on a public blog, but no matter the reason, I was extremely concerned and anxious about the gender of our baby.

The seven weeks finally ended today.  OK, actually, it ends Tuesday, but after 3 phone calls, I finally convinced them to bump up the ultrasound to today, so my mom could watch the other kids, since she is here for my little sister's marathon tomorrow.  And lets face it, I don't think I could have waited any longer.

I don't think there are enough emotional words to describe all that I went through last night and this morning.  To sum it up, I woke up at 2:00am and had so much nervous energy, that I went downstairs and cleaned our basement.  I then fell asleep and had dream after dream after dream about every scenario and outcome possible from this ultrasound.  Good times.   I know that Ben was going through similar emotions as well.

I went through the motions of the morning, and tried to keep the spirit close to me, and feel the peace.  I prayed a lot, and did receive peace, in between my bouts of freak out moments, and heart pounding moments, and worry moments, and, well, you get the idea.

Finally, the time came, and I drove to Salt Lake with William and Luke.  We met my mom and sister, handed the kids over, I hopped in Ben's car, and we were off.  We were also late.  I HATE being late for anything, and this did not help at all with my already pounding heart and rising anxiety. 

It all worked out though.  They were running behind, and we actually got there with time to spare. 

The ultrasound was great.  Since we were at a specialty clinic, they took a lot of time looking at everything on the baby.  The technician checked out every organ and limb very thoroughly and slowly.  It got worrisome at times, when she spent an extra long time on something, but she reassured us that all was well when we got anxious.  I tried to just enjoy the extra long view of my sweet baby, moving around.  Because of the position of my placenta, I cannot feel the baby move.  It was fun to see the baby move, and at times, even feel the baby kick against the ultrasound wand thingy.

Finally, it was time for the gender.  I literally felt my heart beating in my ears, and wondered if I was going to pass out!  I can't even remember how she told us, but she found a way to tell us we were having a girl.  The lump in my throat got so big, that I couldn't respond for a few seconds.  When I found my voice, I asked her if she was sure.  She checked again, and re-checked.  Our baby is definitely a girl!  The feeling in the room was so precious.  Ben and I exchanged a very real and knowing look, both of our eyes watering.  The spirit was there, confirming something I have waited 4 years to feel.  There aren't words to describe the feeling between Ben and I, and the feeling in the room.  I said a prayer in my heart of thanks.

While we were still absorbing the gender news, the technician moved right along.

Next up was my placenta.  She said my placenta looked, "funky."  Then she said she was going to get another doctor to come look at it.  I was almost positive that I was doomed to have placenta accreta.  One of my worst fears for this pregnancy was going to become a reality.  I had already begun trying to accept it, while we waited for the other doctor.

He came into the room, looked at the placenta for about 5 seconds, and then declared that the placenta looked great.  I was stunned, and not about ready to believe him.  Not after there hadn't even been enough time to take one breath before his declaration.  7 weeks of waiting, for his 5 seconds of looking!  He then went on to examine things closely, and after a few heart pounding minutes, said in a sure tone, that there was nothing to worry about.  Then, I believed him.

Ben and I both let out a huge breath, and I think we visibly sunk with relief.  I wanted to cry, laugh, pee, hug the technician, and go to sleep, all at the same time.  All I could think was that we needed to seriously celebrate, and that I wanted to order stuffed crust cheese pizza.  Yeah, pretty sure my emotions and sanity were done at this point.  I couldn't even absorb the enormity of the good news we had received in that past hour.  So, I just though about pizza, and slowly let everything else sink in a chunk at a time.

Ben had to put his head down in his arms for a while, and I just laid there, covered in ultrasound goo, smiling, and nervously chattering about every 10 seconds.  I just didn't know how to absorb it all.  Ben is good at absorbing, meditating, and feeling.  I love that about him, and it is a very good trait to have.  I am not the best at it, obviously.  I have to do it in chunks.  Feel, not feel, feel, not feel.  Pizza, baby, pizza, ultrasound, pizza, no placenta accreta, pizza, baby girl, and so on.

We are still processing and grinning.  It was so fun to tell the kids, especially Mary, that they would have a baby sister.  Mary looked like she was going to explode with joy.  Sam and William were also very happy.  Luke just asked for the vacuum.

So, there it is.  According to the ultrasound results today, the baby looked just fine, my placenta is not causing danger, and we are finally bringing our daughter home.

I am humbled beyond reason. 

I can't help but still feel a little anxious about everything, and some worry for the future, probably because we have been through a lot this pregnancy and the miscarriages the proceeded it, but I also have to bask in the good moments, and enjoy when all is well.  God is good, and he has blessed us beyond anything we could have hoped for.  We will recognize it, and find joy in it. Tonight, that is what we will do. Oh, and we also ordered a large stuffed crust cheese pizza for dinner. ;)




She looks just like our other babies in this picture.  I still am amazed that we could have a picture of her like this, with her still being so, so small.