I'm ok

Only a handful of people know, but I feel the obligation to write my experience down, so I am doing it.

On Monday, I was 5 weeks pregnant, and VERY excited.  By Tuesday night, I was not pregnant anymore.  On Wednesday, with a big hug, and a kiss on the head, my Dr. confirmed what I already knew.

Miscarriages, are very common, and a lot of women have them, (somewhere around 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage) but it doesn't take away from the emotional toll and frustration they can take. 

To be honest, I am actually doing really well.  Of course, I am sad, and my heart dropped when I realized what was going on, but I am also OK.

I attribute it to a few things. 

#1  I was struggling, and I received a priesthood blessing from Ben. I immediately received a huge hug from my Heavenly Father, and a deep, sweet peace in my heart.  I knew that my baby was being taken care of, and that it was much better off being taken back home, than staying here.  It just wasn't the right time. The peace I received that night has stayed with me, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

#2  I have been through a horrible miscarriage experience when I was 16 weeks pregnant.  Through direct prompting from the Lord, I blogged about it as I went through it, starting here. 
Everything that could have gone wrong did.  Bleeding out, ambulance ride, passing out in hospital, MRI, D & C that went wrong, 35% blood loss, contracting mono from the hospital stay, and so on.  It took months to heal from that physically, even longer emotionally.  It was an experience that rocked me to the core.  I am so grateful that, if this baby was not going to make it, that it was taken early this time.

#3 I now know that with all of the crazy things my body is doing, I can still get pregnant.  This has given me a lot of hope and joy.  We weren't sure this would still be possible.  Now I know that it is.  It is now a matter of my body being able to carry a baby.

#4 Ben.  He is amazing.  This happened right after a talk we had about how his job is getting a little more busy/stressful.  He has missed work the past few days, without a word of complaint.  He has given me hugs, strength, hope, and a cookie dough milkshake.  He has taken the kids, let me rest and let me talk.  He has cleaned the house and helped feed the minions. He is my everything, and I love him so much.

Of course I am sad, and I mourn what could have been.  It is not comfortable physically, at all, but that will pass soon I hope.  I am extremely nervous about this happening again as well.  I don't know how many miscarriages a girl can take.

I am also at peace though, and know that this baby will come at the right time.  God has a plan for this child of ours, and he will bring it about when the time is right. This child has been a LONG time coming, and has a big purpose here in our home and in our lives.  Of that, I have no doubt.

I just hope it is sooner than later.  I want to bring my angel home.