Just in case..

you had the insane, twisted idea that I am the perfect mom with the perfect children. Allow me.

I will call this "experience" the Wally World trip of Doom.

It all started out before we even got out of the house. William refused to wear shoes.  He would not even think of it. So, I put my screaming 2 year old, my bottle sucking infant, and my 5 year old into the car and drove to the store. 

Once we arrived at the store, William decided to jump into a puddle of oil. Remember, he has no shoes on. I tried to tell him to stop, but he had turned his ears off. Amazing how two year olds can do that.  He just continued to soak his new white socks in oil. Yes.
While I was running to get him, he ran right in front of a moving car.

I shrieked, Sam yelled, Luke ate his bottle, and a little old lady from across the street came running over.  What did William do?  He turned, faced the moving car head on, and got into his "ninja stance."  He posed as if he were going to have a ninja fight with the car.  Mean face and everything. I almost lost my breakfast at this point.

The car stopped, I ran to William and the little old lady got to him first. (yes, I am a runner, and yes, she beat me to him. I haven't figured that out yet, but whatever).   A small crowd had formed at this point. Half were laughing at Williams reaction, and 1/2 were looking at me like I was the worst mother on earth. Because I teach my children to run in front of moving cars on purpose, right?  Geeze people.

The little old lady handed William to me (how she ever picked him up, I don't know. He is about as light as a wet bag of sand) and told me she didn't mean to interfere, but that her son had been hit by a car, and she couldn't help but try to do something.   If I could have felt any worse at this point...

So, we finally made it into the store and I am trying to act all calm and controlled, because any mother of 3 young boys, knows exactly what she is doing by taking them shopping at Walmart, and has perfect little angles who stay by her side the whole time, so why not me, right?

As I am attempting to find some sort of produce that my children will eat, (because remember, I am a perfect mom, and I only feed my children perfect food)  I hear a HUGE crash.  I turned just in time to see the entire 10 box by 10 box display of Halloween candy go crashing down. I literally looked up to heaven and begged for my sons to not be responsible for this tidal wave of nasty pre-packaged sugar coated sugar flying all over the floor.  But alas, there stood William and Sam, looking as guilty as a monkey with a hand full of poop, in the middle of hundreds of bags of candy.  I wanted to crawl in a hole and then dig a tunnel and crawl into another hole.

I immediately began frantically trying to somehow put the display back together. In reality, it would have taken hours, but I tried.  The workers were all very nice, and they called in some back up to help with the mess.  Even the mom with the well behaved four boys, who were silently standing by her cart, offered to help. She was nice, but it was salt in the wound for me. 

As we were cleaning, I noticed that William was gone. I looked around, and then I looked again. And then I panicked. So, the people who were not helping clean the candy mess, began helping me look for William.  Just in case I didn't have the entire store involved in helping me shop, this sealed the deal.

And there he was. COVERED in price tag stickers. Yes folks, William had been walking around the produce section, peeling the price tags off of everything.  There were yellow price tags all over him, the floor, and random foods.  And to top it all off, he was in the process of shredding them.  Imagine how I must have felt, and multiply it by 10. That will do.

After about a million apologies, I decided to get the trip over with quickly and get out of there. I forced William to ride in the cart, and we soon became our own display. The noise of his cry could have been heard from the moon. Up and down the isles we went, sirens blaring. Me trying to shop and kindly wave to people like I am completely oblivious to my oil soaked  socked, candy covered, screaming 2 year old, my hungry crying baby, and my 5 year old imagining he is in a foot race down every isle.

I finally let William out in the toy isle. Partly to spare whatever hearing I had left, and partly to spare whatever hearing everyone else in the store may have had left.   At least he couldn't ruin any food.  I turned my back for a second to grab a toy for a Birthday Party and CRASH!  Yup, my boys again.  It was the Christmas Lego Display. All 30 boxes of it. Apparently, Sam and William thought it was a mountain to climb. Because there are mountains in Walmart?
 Sam was bawling because he got hurt, Luke was bawling because he was hungry, and I almost died of humiliation as the same people from the earlier messes came to our rescue again, including the mom with the STILL perfectly behaved boys. Seriously!   I lamely tried to help clean, and feed Luke and comfort/discipline Sam at the same time. 

As I am doing this, I notice William is gone, again.  This time he could not be found.  I soon joined in the bawling fest.  I am sure it was awesome.  Come on over to the Heber Walmart, one and all. There is a specticle to behold. The Maynards are in town! Get your community service hours done in a snap. Plenty of displays to re-assemble.

 A while, and a few prayers and panic attacks later, William was found. He was in the photo center, on a stool, "typing" on the computer.  Yes, on the other side of the store.  Oh of course, why didn't I think of that. Don't all two year olds run from their moms and  play on computers in the photo center. Oh, they don't. Really? My bad.

I decided enough was enough and went to the check out line to just get what I had, and get out of there.  As I am checking out, acting as if it was a normal day at the store in perfect world where my kids helped me shop for the perfect foods and items, and my perfect baby slept the whole time, I heard a car driving.  What the?
 I turned just in time to see Sam and William driving off in a Power Wheels car that Walmart had so conveniently left on, with a battery in it, right next to the check out.  HELLO! Do you not know that some kids may be just a little tempted by that. And by some kids, I mean MY KIDS! Doesn't the world revolve around us and the disasters that lie in our wake? Prevention people..prevention.

I dropped everything and chased my boys in the power wheels down the isle. I left Luke with the checker and said my 10th prayer that trip and asked that the checker wasn't some child psycho that would take him and run.  I yelled for Sam to stop, and he did. Too fast.  Whiplash and tears for both boys.  Rock on.

And so, we left the store. A wake of destruction in our path.  Oh wait...screech! Stop!  Fooled ya, the story doesn't end here. Oh, but I wish it had.

Once we got to the car, William had unwrapped a bad of candy and three suckers. Nope, I didn't buy those.   So, back into the store we go. Back to the checker, who politely has me pay for all of it. Awesome! 

And then we leave, for good. 
Isn't it awesome that we were with a bunch of people in a small town that I am bound to see again, and again and again. It was a great day. One that made me cry a lot. Oh, so fun.  I love being perfect and having the perfect family...don't you?