You Know You Are Nine Months Pregnant When...

You drop everything on the floor, and spend the next few seconds deciding if it is really worth picking it back up. Most of the time, you just kick it to the general area it belongs to, and ask one of the kids to put it away.

If that item is worth picking up, you use salad tongs or train track pieces to get that object.

Your 5 yr. old daughter paints your toenails, because she can actually see your feet.

Your husband knows that when you put your arm up in the air, it means you are ready to get up off the couch or the chair, and you need his help.

Random people stare at your belly begin asking when you are due or try to rub your belly. (PLEASE don't rub my belly, yes there is a baby in there, but it is still my belly, my body, and my bubble)

EVERYONE at the gym looks at you with a very worried expression, like you are going to fall off the elliptical and begin screaming out of labor pains at any given second. Or maybe they are just concerned about that huge protuding belly bouncing all over the place.

There are 5 pillows on the bed dedicated to just you, and you still are not even close to getting comfortable.

You look at the huge hippo at the zoo, lying around in its own feeces and lazily chewing on a head of lettuce, and feel like you can totally relate.

You belly button pops out just like a turkey timer, announcing to the whole world that you are done.

Every twinge, contraction or pain brings on hopes of an upcoming labor. It is the one time where feeling pain gives you hope and feeling great makes you grumpy.

You are jealous of anyone wearing pants with a zipper and a button.

Monday: your back hurts
Tuesday: Your back hurts and your legs ache
Wednesday: your back hurts, your legs ache and your fat fingers can't grip anything
Thursday: your back hurts, your legs ache, your fingers are fat and you have a headache
Friday: CONTRACTIONS! no contractions. CONTRACTIONS! no contractions
Saturday: you get a nap, and some help from the hubby. You feel pretty good.
Sunday: Tired, but feeling good.
Repeat process but add more pain and swelling to each item

No matter how hard you try, there is ALWAYS a stain or a crumb somewhere on your shirt. Usually in a spot you can no longer see, so someone else has to tell you.

Trying to tie your shoes is impossible, so sandals with socks become your new fashion. Hello white trash! You could omit the socks, if you want to show off your swollen veiny ankles and your rainbow/sparkle toenails.

Yes, it is true. You really do waddle. Anyone would if they felt like they had a brick between their legs!

You actually look forward to your OB visit and all of the joy that comes with the last month of visits. The course of your whole life as you know it will come from some simple words. Either you are dialated and effaced, or you are not. Either you hate the doctor or you love him. Either you cry or you don't. You are told nothing is happening and have the baby that night, or you get false hope and are a beast for the next week. And then you go back a week later and do it all over again. Rock on.

You are EXHAUSTED, but somehow have this crazy urge to organize the cereal in alphlabetical order, or organize the basement (no small thing) or you can't sit until the "junk drawer" in the kitchen is organized, or you can't sleep until you have made 10 lists of absolutely nothing, but they seem important to you. The joys of nesting.

Your belly is at just the right level to collide with your 3yr. olds head. The poor kid gets bonked on a daily basis.

Your husband spends 1/2 the day telling you, "it's just water weight."

Your daughter looks closely at your belly and asks you if it is possible for it to pop.

Your son looks at your belly for a long time before asking you if you are o.k.

Every morning you wake up, you have to wait an hour for the swelling to subside before you can see, get dressed, or go out in public.

You truly debate on whether or not to jump off the church stage after the ward talent show, jump on your friends trampoline, do cartwheels with your daugher, or maybe even jump rope...just to "get things going."

The rings you are wearing are stuck, and the ones you aren't wearing cannot be put on.

The baby clothes are hung, the bed is set up, the carseat is ready to go, the bottles are in the cupboard, diaper stations around the house are ready to go..and you still have a month until the due date.

And here I am...one month to go. It will be worth it....it will be worth it...it will be worth it...