A shock of an appointment; literally.

I had my 13 week check up today. As usual, I was very nervous. This appointment I was more than nervous, because it will be the time between this appointment and the next in which I lost the baby last time. As the weeks inch closer, I keep thinking about how much closer I am getting to the 16 week mark,and I just can't believe I lost a baby that far along. But, it also makes me believe more than ever that it can and does happen...not matter the odds. I will be in Idaho that week, and hopefully having so much fun that I won't have time to freak out.

When I got there today, I was taking nice deep breaths, and found myself pleasantly relaxed. I had to bring Sam with me, but he was being really good. I was finally getting my act together in that office. Hooray for me!

My blood pressure was normal, and I was proud of myself for being so relaxed this time.

Then came time to find the heartbeat.

I was in the same room, with the same nurse (who I love), at the same time of day, as I was in June. I swore I would never go to that room again, but I was there. It was the only open room.

She could not find the heart beat.

The nurse searched and searched. She had me move around a little. Nothing. She told me to relax. Nothing. She got my heartbeat, I got excited, but it was only my heartbeat..getting faster and faster and faster. Nothing from the baby.

Then, after a LONG time and lots of silence, the nurse asked me the question that she asked me in June, but this time, I knew the meaning behind it. "Did you go to the bathroom before you came, maybe your bladder is just full." In other words, I cannot find the heartbeat, and I am trying anything at this point before I get the doctor and do an ultrasound.

I didn't answer the question. The tears had started flowing and I was biting my lip off trying not to start completely bawling.
The nurse looked up at me while I brushed at my eyes, and without a word, kept looking.
She continued to try for another minute or two in vain. My whole abdomen was covered in goo from the doppler thingy. She was looking everywhere and pushing very hard. The look on her face was the same look I have seen before. It did not help the tears.

A million things went through my mind as I lay there and cried. Why me? Not again? My heart can't handle this. How will I tell Ben (who is in the middle of another Kidney attack today). I can't do this.

And then the words that I thought I was dreaming were said. "I got it...wait a minute, no...yes, hang on....ah, there it is. There is your baby's hearbeat! How about that. You can dry your eyes dear. Take some deep breaths and relax. Your baby is here and doing just fine. That is a nice strong beat. Wow, I was getting nervous there, that sure took a while." (you're telling me)

And there it was. The whooshing sound that sent waves of relief flooding through my body that was totally in shock at that point. The nurse let me listen to it as long as I needed to in order for me to calm down and really believe. I think she was taking deep breaths and saying prayers of thanks right along with me. The relief in her eyes was very obvious.

I almost demanded an ultrasound to prove that it was real, but I held back, even though he nurse was more than willing.

Dr. Weary came in after that and apologized for me having to go through that. He said that at 13 weeks, the heartbeat can sometimes be hard to find. He felt really bad though and made sure I was o.k. several times before I left.

We made small talk for a long time about Ben's surgery, our trip, Dr. Weary's crushed hand and his fall from the ladder, ect. He brought up the miscarriage and asked me how I am mentally doing from that and about similarities and differences with this pregnancy. He even asked me what my heart was telling me about this pregnancy and baby. It was nice to just talk for a while. I think he was letting me recover, but it was really nice.

The best part....my ultrasound is scheduled for the week I get home from Idaho! Yippee! It feels good to have it on the calendar.
The one where they tell us the gender and look at everything going on with the baby. We meet with Dr. Weary right after to discuss the results. I am really excited to see my little jellybean again. Of course, I am nervous for the whole thing. I know now, with all of my heart, that to form a whole and perfect baby takes a miracle. I don't know what the ultrasound will bring (and normally I don't think twice about it, except for the gender...not the case this time), but I just want to see my baby and the heartbeat. That is what matters to me.