Roller Coaster

The past two days, I have been a complete nervous mess. I have had some killer lower back pain, and I have been so incredibly worried about the baby. There is also the concern that I am not sick yet. With EVERY pregnancy I have had, I am sick by this time.
Those two things, combined with our experience this summer, were enough to make me ill.

My appointment was this morning. I was 90% sure we had lost the baby. I was already planning in my head a way of dealing with it all. And I was already sad. Ben was really worried as well.

I felt like we waited in the ultrasound room forever. My hands were freezing, my heart was pounding, and my mind was racing.

Dr. Weary came in and I blurted out all of my worries. He just nodded his head, turned the screen away from me and began the ultrasound. The silence and the grim look on his face left no doubt in my mind anymore. Ben was studying the ground. I was holding back the tears when the Dr. said, "and there is the heartbeat!" while turning the screen toward me. He had a huge grin on his face and the relief was evident.

I felt my whole body relax and I realized that I hadn't been breathing that whole time. And there it was, our precious little jellybean, with a beating heart.

The baby is measuring 2 1/2 weeks small, which worries me a little, but Dr. Weary said that some dates just may be off. He is going to be watching that more closely though. That also may explain why I am not sick yet.
I did get a positive pregnancy test when I thought I would though. So the dates may not really be that off. We will see.

My new due date is now June 20th (I guess I need to change the puzzle on the top of the blog), which is also a very special date in my family for a few reasons. One of which, is the fact that it is my grandmother's Birthday. She passed suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 12. I was pretty close to her. We share our middle name, which happens to be "June"...the month the baby is due and the month we both have a Birthday. Pretty neat.

I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks, to measure the baby again, and to calm my fears that will most likely be pretty strong again.
I have a good doctor. He understands what this summer did to me and my mind. He doesn't make me feel silly for my worries. He actually helps me know that it is very normal and just fine.

I also have a wonderful husband, who is right by me every step of the way. He lets me talk late into the night about my fears and he is ready and willing to give me blessings when needed.

I am a very happy girl today. My spirit is soaring. My baby has a heartbeat.