Locked Out, Checked Out, Put Out

How to successfully get yourself into a big pickle.

First. Shut and lock all windows in the house. Tug on them to make sure all is secure.

Second. Make sure all doors are locked nice and tight.

Third. Grab the wrong set of keys (the ones without a house key on them) and take a nice fun walk with the kids. Make sure to make the walk long, so they will be starving, hot and worn out when you get home.

Fourth. Go get the mail, because at least you have THAT key on you.

Fifth. Walk up to the front door and pull out the key chain.

Sixth. Stare at the keychain in horror as you realize you don't have the house key. Then proceed to try to unlock the door with all of the other keys on the keychain, just because. Say "Rats!" as loud as you can.

Seventh. Close your eyes and force yourself to walk around the house through the lawn that had a snake in it a few days ago. Walk around the house and try to open all windows and doors in vain. Say "aarrrggghh" as loud as you can.

Eighth. Listen as kids begin to cry that they are hungry, tired, hot and thirsty. Notice that you feel the same. Look at neighbors homes and notice no one is home.

Ninth. Call your husband even though you know this is the one day he will be in Denver all day training. Call doesn't work, try texting.

Tenth. Call a locksmith who will not give you a price, so you hang up on him.

Eleventh. Your husband calls you and says to hang on while he tries to find a way to get home.

12th. Unlock the one car that doesn't have a garage opener in it, and let the kids play in it. Find a garage door opener in it and get really excited. Then get sad again as you realize it is the garage door opener to your parents home in Pocatello, Idaho. Wonder why the heck that is in the car. Sit on the porch and pout for a while. Wait for the husband to call back for the next 25 minutes.

13th. Listen to kids get really tired, really hot, really thirsty and really hungry. Mary has to pee. Take Mary to the backyard, tell her she is camping and have her pee in a bush. Nasty! Call husband. No answer. Call the locksmith. There will be no waiting for an hour for the husband to get home, if he can even come home.

14th. Husband calls and tells you to call the locksmith. Already done. Locksmith is on his way.

15th. 30min later a minivan pulls up. Watch as tall guy smelling like smoke walks up to you. Notice that his hair is in a bun! What? Who does that? Then again, I have a mullet.

16th. Notice the guy look you up and down. Tell the guy that your husband is on his way any second and that the neighbors are on their way over as well. Good one. Pick up the kids and walk to the front door.

17th. Watch as they guy opens your door in 10 seconds and then looks in the house. Force a smile as the guy tells you your house "smells good." ????? You don't buy it.

18th. Take the paper the man hands you. $125!!!! Almost choke. Get really mad. Turn around to hand the guy your credit card and notice that his camera phone is facing you. Watch as the guy hurries to put the phone to his ear and pretend to talk to someone. Frown as you give the guy your card. Try not to think that your rear end might now be in his phone.

19th. Wonder what the heck is going on when they guy really does call someone a while later and gives them ALL of your credit card info. Turn to pick up a kid and turn back around to see the guy taking a picture of your house with the phone. ??????

20th. Say goodbye to the guy, slam the door, lock it, lock it again, double check the lock and watch the guy drive away. Make sure he is all the way gone.

21st. Get kids lunch and water. Call husband. Tell husband story.

22nd. Husband calls company right away, while you wait to hear what happens. Good husband.

23rd. Wait for the verdict.

Still waiting.