Size 8...Wide.

William is a big boy. If we didn't already know that when he was born over 2 pounds bigger than the other two (at 9 1/2 lbs), or the fact that he wore 0-3 month clothes for one week, the size of his hands and feet have surely clued us in.

We know that William must have ankles, because he can walk and his feet move. We just haven't seen them yet. His legs go from thigh, to huge calf to feet. There is no narrowing of the leg down to the feet. Nope, just rolls and adorable baby chub the whole way down. I could just squish them all day...and I do.

His legs are not only huge, but his feet are big as well. They are long and wide. They are almost as tall as they are long. Basically, they look like squares with tiny peas on the ends for toes. For the first 8 months of his life, his toes never even came close to touching the ground, because the fat on the bottom of his feet was so thick.



Needless to say, I have hunted and hunted and hunted to try to find shoes to fit his feet. I went to four shoe stores, and even with the help of the employees and foot measuring equipment, we never found a shoe to fit William.

The ironic thing is that William LOVES shoes. One of his favorite things to do is to put Mary's shoes on and stomp all over the house. He also does this with Ben's shoes as well as mine.

Then, one fine day, I discovered these things at Walmart of all places. Yup, white trash, hunting, camo. boots. They were basically square, like Williams feet, and guess what...they fit! I couldn't believe it. I put them on Williams feet, and he refused to let me take them off. Even when I bought the shoes, the lady had to scan them on his feet. William absolutely loves his shoes. He has worn them everywhere, including church, because they are the only pair. I think they are so ugly, but I have no choice. And he loves them, so therefore, I love them.


The best part is that the bottom has a clear part on it. William cannot wear socks with these shoes, or they don't fit, so when he sits down, we can see his little toes in his shoes. For whatever reason, it is really funny.

This past week, I was in need of some new shoes. I found a great deal at a shoe store, and what do you know, it was buy one get one half off! William was with me, and at the time, he had no shoes on. His boots have finally become too small. Dang.

William was grabbing every shoe in sight and trying to put them on, so I decided to see if I could find something for him. I found a great pair for me, and then it was off on the hunt to find something for William. I had no real expectation to find anything.

Well, what do you know, we found a pair that fit William! Actually, the employee helped us find a pair. William is a size 7, but in order to fit his fat foot into the shoe, we had to get a size 8 wide. hahahaha

And they are so stinkin' cute! William was beyond thrilled!


Again, he wore the shoes out of the store. He took a few steps into the parking lot, and then starting laughing and running. He was so excited to have shoes that fit again. He kept looking down at his feet all day to make sure they were still there.

He sure loves his shoes, and I am so happy to have finally found a cute pair for him.
I sure love this boy, and am getting more excited every day for our next boy to join the clan. My three sons...I LOVE the sound of that.

Stickers...what stickers?

Part of the reward for passing off a piano piece, for my students, is choosing to put a sticker on the page they competed.

The power of the sticker is a funny thing. My students range from 6 years old up to 15, and they all grin when I pull out the pile of stickers. There is just something about that little reward, with the funny picture and the idea that you can stick them anywhere, that seems to appeal to all humans alike.

The stickers have been stashed under the piano bench when lessons are not taking place. I thought it was a great hiding place.

Um, I think I was wrong.



I was actually impressed that he was able to get the "gickers" off the paper and onto his head without anyone noticing, and with such perfection. Maya also had a nice assortmet of stickers all over her fur as well. She wasn't as proud to show them off as William was, but it was hilarious anyway.

He was so proud that all we could do was laugh and clap for the show...and put the stickers up one shelf higher. :)

Tripple Ouch!

I have come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no way to lessen the fear or pain of those dreaded Kindergarten shots. It is one of those things that just have to be done, and it stinks.

I waited until this morning to tell Sam that he was getting them today, and I was so impressed with how brave he was! Of course, he was scared, but he willingly got into the car and even went through the whole appointment without a tear. What a man! And look at those amazing muscles.

He was weighed, measured, eyes were checked, bp taken, and so on. It is always good to hear that although he is a little guy (weighing in at 36lbs...only 4 pounds bigger than William, but 3 1/2 years older) he is healthy and doing great. He did it all like a pro! That gave me some hope...some.

And then the moment came. Sam hid behind me, and began shaking all over. To me, that was worse than crying. His lips were quivering and he was freezing cold. The poor kid was terrified. ugh.

We laid him down on the table, and then the thrashing and screams began. I got the fun duty of holding his arms down and trying to soothe him, while looking into his scared big blue eyes, as they poked him, three times. Each one deeper than the one before, and each one getting a louder yell than the one before. My ears are still ringing.

I don't think I will ever get used to watching my kids get shots. Poor William didn't enjoy it either. He began to cry after watching his big brother cry. I am pretty sure we scared all of the other kids in the rooms around us. Especially when Sam came out with a bloody face (from a bloody nose), limping, and still shuddering...with the nurse saying sorry over and over again. Awesome.
The suckers and stickers did seem to lessen the pain and the after crying shudders, but I still felt so bad for my sweet Sammy. ;)

Sam is happily watching a show now, with a tummy full of ice cream and Tylenol. All is well for him. He is done.

Lucky for me, I have at least two more times of going through this. I am hoping that the pain free micro-needle I read about in Readers Digest, will be out by then, and that these big, scary, painful needles will soon be a thing of the past.

Instead of describing hardships of our age by "hiking to school through 5 feet of snow, uphill both ways." It will be "getting stuck with a foot long needle, time and time again, down to the bone."

That will be a good day indeed.

Expecting the Unexpected???

Do you ever feel like you are waiting for something to happen, but you have no idea what it is. That would be me right now.

Blame it on the pregnancy hormones if you will, but I tell ya, I just feel so unsettled. It is weird! My mind just goes non stop, even more than usual.

I feel like I am waiting for something, but there is nothing really coming up that I would be excited, anxious or nervous for.

I am wondering if it has anything to do with the ultrasound/gender shock we had. Maybe now I don't feel like much is as it seems. It is very crazy to think one thing for a month, and then to have it completely switched. Very nuts (no pun intended, hehehe)!

I saw the boy parts (or what I am mostly convinced were boy parts), I heard the tech say it was for sure a boy, but I am still not 100% sold. A month ago, I saw and heard the opposite.
I am fine with either gender, but I guess I lost some faith in ultrasounds predicting the gender. I have been VERY tempted to pay the $ to get another ultrasound, and set the gender in stone, but I wonder if that would just be crazy.

Oh, and I thought I should mention, because people have been asking...Mary is totally fine now. I think the shock of baby going from girl to boy was just pretty big for her. That very night, she told me that she was happy for another brother, and to be the "princess" from now on. She is all smiles when she talks about the baby, and she hasn't mentioned a baby sister since. I love how kids can just move on like that.

Ultrasound change or not, I have ants in my pants. The winds of change are blowing, I just can't seem to figure out where or when. Sometimes I sure wish for a crystal ball. Don't you?

Shocker!

I had my 19 week ultrasound today.
I must say, that I always go into these things a bit nervous. I am not sure why, I just do.
Today was no different. I just felt that we were going to have a bit of a shock this time. Actually, I somehow knew we would. I was just praying that the shock would be something I could hadle. Something that I already know is going on, but just may be confirmed. Like the placenta being low.
Well, it is something I can handle, and for that I am so grateful.

Our girl is actually a boy.

Yup...it's a boy. And oh boy, is it ever a boy. He was not shy at all!

To say we were shocked would be an understatement. One month ago, in that room, we were staring right in between the legs of our 14 week old baby in womb, and there was nothing there. Nothing at all. In fact, the tech was pretty dang sure it was a girl. Sure enough, to tell us that she would tell people it was a girl if it was her baby.

So we did tell people. And including those people, we told Mary. We told her with a huge MAYBE, and I am so glad we did that. She knew that today there would be a tiny chance that her new sister could be a brother.

Regardless, when we told her today (and we tried to make it very happy and positive), her reaction broke my heart into a million pieces. She tried to be so tough and to even giggle about the mix up, and to hide the tears, but the tears came, and then came some more. It was VERY VERY sad. I can completely relate, as I have been in her shoes before. Oh man, it was so sad to see her so sad. I actually can't type about it anymore.

We had a good talk, a good cry, and a good hug, and now she seems fine. What a hard thing for a 7 year old to understand, and for a momma to try to explain.

Our little boy is healthy, growing at the right pace, adorable, has a pug face like the others, and will be very loved and adored in our family. We are more than happy to have him and we can't wait to meet him. My placenta is still low, but not scary anymore, and there is no longer the threat of a c-section or previa at this point. Hooray!

I was shocked and I have had to make a complete change in my mind, but after watching him suck his thumb, yawn, kick, and wave, he grabbed my heart and wrapped his spirit around it. I am in love with my precious son, and there is no turning back.

p.s. Last reminder. The blog will go private tomorrow or the next day. If you haven't give me your email and you would like to still view the blog, please get it to me. This includes family members. Thanks!

Before It's Too Late

The holidays are quickly becoming a thing of the past, and I need to post about them for journaling purposes, before it's too late. We are having some nasty computer problems, so blogging, checking email, and looking at your blogs has become a task that takes hours...truly. And honestly, I don't enjoy spending hours on a computer, so this post may be long, but I am trying to cram it all into one..while I am actually on this messed up computer.


First up..Mary's Birthday Highlights.
I ate lunch at school with her. She showed me how to do everything, and I enjoyed recess with Mary and her very silly friends. It meant the world to her. It was awesome.

An Origami kit, some adorable Carmela Coyle books, a Baby alive (that is way too alive for me:) ), lots of Pet Shops and a gift card to Justice For Girls! (the favorite gift that we used that very day...40% off of everything, score!)

A Birthday Week at school. A poster about Mary, a favorite game, reading a book to the class, sharing candy, a Birthday book made by the class, and so on. So neat!

Hot dogs, with the bun, watermelon and root beer for dinner. Cake and ice cream later.


Turning 7! Woah.

Playing with best friend Taylor with all of her new toys.



Next up...Christmas Eve.

Going out to breakfast (tradition) and eating the best cinnamon roll french toast in the world. Go Kneaders!

Running last minute errands

Making and delivering goodies to neighbors and friends

Delivering food we gathered for a previous FHE to the homeless shelter in Salt Lake. Our hearts were very softened toward those people who have so little and are so grateful.

Appetizers for dinner and frape.

Christmas Bible story.

Cookies and milk for Santa.

Opening new pj's and slippers.

Bed time.



At one point, I went in their room to do some "santa stuff." I checked to make sure they were sound asleep. Right before I was going to do my Santa duty, Sam shot up in bed and said, "Oh, its just you." I think I jumped 5 feet. He then told me that he thought Santa was in the room, so he was pretending to be asleep. Geeze! I waited another 2 hours before I went in there again.

And now onto Christmas Day:
Wake up early. Kids run down stairs with cameras rolling and Christmas music playing.

Go through stockings and watch the joy and excitement that Christmas brings.

Head to church for an hour of beautiful music about the Saviour. I played lots of piano, and was so relieved that all went well. The pieces were HARD this year.

Back home to open presents. Lots of smiles and lots of love.

Favorites: Mary, the long awaited for American Girl doll. Sam, remote control race car. William, lawn mower that makes lots of noise. Me, a soft, warm, cozy down comforter. Ben, new skis and a gift certificate for a one hour professional massage.

Pack and head to Pocatello to spend the next week with family.

WONDERFUL Christmas full of magic, the Saviour, love, and joy.


Ben and I celebrated our 8th Anniversary the next day.
We went to a movie and just hung out with family and relaxed. I sure love him so much and have felt very blessed to live life with him by my side. I can think of no one better for me, and no one that I love more. I am excited to know that my future is with him, forever and always.

Week in Idaho

Hanging out with family.

Playing lots of BANG!

Hanging out with cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. playing games, talking and eating pizza.

Playing at a gymnastics gym and playing for two hours.

Going to a movie with Grandma.

Shopping and playing at the mall.

McDonalds.

A fun Birthday date for Mary and Aunt Kelsey. Getting nails done and going out to lunch.

Family Bowling on New Year's Eve.

Burning the tree with gas and Fireworks to welcome in 2012.

Having enough time to slow down and let revelation and inspiration sink in. All of those "inclings" I have been given the past few months come to light when I finally relax. New resolutions for 2012 are made and changes are being put into motion with a few things.

It is always good to re-evaluate, change things up, and try to better ourselves for the next year.


Our January Spring
It has been sunny, gorgeous and in the 50's this week, and I can feel my spirit soaring with the sunlight! It has been wonderful and so refreshing. I can't believe it is January and not April, but I will take it for now. We even went to the park yesterday and we were not cold. Woah.



So, there you have it. Another year gone by. Another holiday season wrapped up. A new, fresh year full of hope, excitement, and fun planned. And a lot of lessons learned.

And don't forget, the blog is going private in a week, so send me your email if you would like an invite.

(just had to post this) William has learned to say "cheese" and I LOVE It!

Going Private

After some thought this past week, I have decided to make our blog private.
I am limited to the number of people that I can invite to view the blog, but I will try to accomodate as many of you as I can. I will invite close family and friends first, and go from there.

I don't want to shut anyone out, or seem rude in any way. We just don't feel comfortable with our blog and our lives being open to anyone out there in web world anymore. We feel the need for more privacy.

If you have been following our blog, and would like to continue to follow it, please leave your email in the comment section, or send me an email. If you don't know my address, just let me know you want to view the blog, and I will send it to you.

I will make the blog private in a week, in order to try to collect all of the emails that I will need from all of you.

Happy blogging!

Checking In

Hey fellow bloggers,
I am still here, just not able to blog because our computer has been broken for over two weeks now. I am currently in Idaho using my parents computer.

Mary's Birthday was really fun and she had a wonderful day. I got to eat lunch at school with her and it was very entertaining. A post is soon to come.

Christmas was awesome. I LOVED having it on Sunday and being able to go to church on such a special and meaningful day. I wish we could do that more often on Christmas. It really brought the true spirit of the holiday into our hearts and home. A post is soon to come.

The pregnancy is going well....finally! I received a blessing from Ben a few weeks ago when things were pretty bad, and not 24 hours later, everything stopped and I have been just fine since. Behold the power of miracles. ;) I sure have.

The baby is moving and I find that so comforting. I love knowing that she is ok, without having to get the heartbeat at the Dr. office. We will have an ultrasound in a few weeks to check in on the baby, do all of the fun 20 week ultrasound stuff, confirm the gender (even though the tech was pretty sure it was a girl last time) and make sure the placenta is behaving. I am very excited and a little anxious for that appointment. A post will come soon.

Other than that, we are just hangin' out here in Idaho for a few more days, eating lots of yummy food, and then headed back to life.

Hopefully our computer will be back soon, and I can get some pictures on this blog, and check in on all of yours.

Happy New Year!

Rite of Passage

I guess you could say that my family is made up of late bloomers, when it comes to losing teeth. I lost my first tooth, that wasn't pulled by the dentist, in 2nd grade. Yup, 2nd grade. The grade where most kids are losing their 7th and 8th teeth, at least. My sister was the same.
Therefore, we weren't too surprised when Mary's teeth weren't even close to wiggly going into first grade. The poor kid was wiggling her teeth every night, trying to force that long awaited occasion that signifies a huge milestone to kids of her age. The right to show a smile full of holes, the right to show how you can twist, wiggle, and bend your loose teeth into all sorts of grotesque ways, shapes and forms.

And then an amazing thing happened. About a month ago, Mary came to me and showed me her loose tooth! Oh what a day.

After wiggling, twisting, and doing everything she could, the day finally arrived for the tooth to come out. I went upstairs and hid my head under a pillow and sang songs, while Ben got a napkin and got all set. Have I mentioned that anything that has to do with loose teeth and pulling teeth makes me literally sick to my stomach. I had the heebie jeebies all month watching her wiggle that thing. ick.

Well, Ben pulled and yanked and pulled, and the tooth did not come out. Mary has tiny teeth, and he couldn't get a good grip. Darn.

We waited a few more days, and then then big moment arrived. It took a few good yanks, and the tooth was free! Mary was shocked for a few minutes, and then she was elated.

Here is the note the tooth fairy found under Mary's pillow. (with the tooth taped to it). It was adorable!

Poor Mary is not really sporting a toothless smile. Her other tooth decided to make an appearance behind her loose tooth, before it came out. Thus, giving her the name "shark mouth."

She is proud of it though, and smiles as big as she can. She is now working on three more teeth that all of the sudden started wiggling this week. She can now officially enter the world of grade school and holy smiles.


In other Mary news:
She had her first gymnastics meet of the season this weekend. It was her first time competing at level 4. The meet was an in-house meet, so it was kind of a practice meet for the girls. They had real judges and scores, but they also kept it more low key.
Mary did not compete floor or beam, because she is still learning the order of the routines on those events. She knows the skills, she just doesn't know all of the fancy little arm and leg movements and positions that go in between the moves. Her coaches say she will be ready in a few weeks.

She did bars and vault though, and she rocked it! She placed in the top 4 on both events! We were so proud of her. She has been working so hard, and has had to play catch up because she joined the level 4 team just two months ago. Her other meets will start in March, and we are very excited. Good job Mary girl!

The Appointment....and The Gender (most likely)!

Yesterday morning I woke up to another scare. Same thing that happened last week basically. I had an appointment scheduled for Friday, but I decided that this was not something that should wait.

I called my new OB and they got me in within an hour! Love this place.

We found a very kind soul to watch William and Sam, and Ben came with me to the doctor. We weren't freaking out like we were last week, but we were still very concerned and worried.

I had the ultrasound first. Again, she turned up the volume as we heard the baby's healthy heartbeat, and again, I let some silent tears fall. So much relief after so much anxiety. Such a roller-coaster. Reminder: I lost a baby at exactly this point in the pregnancy a few years ago. It is all still very real and very much at the front of my mind when I have complications like this (that I have NEVER had before).

As the tech measured this and that, we watched our little one kick and play and I couldn't help but smile. Once we knew the baby was fine, and that there was no real danger to be seen, Ben asked if there was any way to know the gender yet. The tech said she would "see what she could see, but the baby is still pretty small."

After more poking and prodding on my VERY sore and tender stomach, the tech said, I can't say it is 100%, but I am pretty sure it is a girl. She then said that a few more times as she got a better look. Ben and I didn't say anything. Our hearts were in our throats, and I think we were both too happy to talk. At the end of the ultrasound, as she was walking out, she said in a very sure tone, "yup, I would say it is a girl." And then she smiled as she shut the door.

That is as sure as we can get right now, and I feel safe to say it is a girl. The doctor also agreed. We will have another ultrasound between 18-20 weeks, if not sooner, and I am sure that is where it will be a done deal and the gender will be solidified as much as it can be before the actual birth.

My mind was in about a million places at this point, as we made our way up to the doctor's office. I am sure Ben felt the same. One thing was for sure though, we were happy, very very happy.

The doctor was amazing. He asked a ton of questions, we asked a ton of questions. He did this test and that test. He looked at the ultrasound, and looked again. He drew blood and he got my history. He pulled out pictures and models and taught us a few things. He spend a lot of TIME with us, and acted truly CONCERNED and WILLING TO HELP. It was awesome.

The conclusion:
We don't know what the heck is happening, but we have some pretty good ideas. The doctor is positive that whatever it is, there is a 95% chance that it will not hurt the baby at this point, especially because the baby looks so strong and has a great heartbeat. He did make sure we know though, that there is still a small, itsy, bitsy chance of things going south, and that we should keep that in the very back corner of our minds.

I do not have placenta previa. Hooray!!!! The placenta moved just enough this past week to rule that out for now. However, it is still lying very low, and easily could be irritating everything, and causing the pain and bleeding.

Another theory, and the one that I feel is correct. The placenta has done a few minor tears away from where it is attached. That explains almost everything. This is not a concern unless there is a tear of over 50% of the placenta. Then it gets bad, really really bad. We would lose the baby for sure, unless I was far enough along for them to do a c-section and save the baby. The doctor does not think that will happen. He thinks the placenta has healed itself each time it has torn so far. To be safe though, I will go in for an ultrasound each time I bleed like I have been, to have the placenta and the baby checked. We are hoping there is no next time though.

So basically, he ruled out everything that would cause immediate harm to our baby at the moment, but also knows that something is happening and it really worries us all out each time it happens.

Oh, and the due date has now gone from June 4th, to June 6th, to May 28th to June 3rd. {Insert shaking of head and chuckling here.} We will just plan on the first week of June.

I go back in in a week, for a follow up and to go over the blood tests, and then we will go from there.

And for other good news...no bed rest! I have been so worried about this, and a little stressed too. Maybe now my nightmares of me being stuck in my bed while the kids are crying next to empty stockings on Christmas morning, and the ward choir is at church waiting for their pianist to show up so they can do the Christmas program, will go away. Honestly.

I have a lot more peace now. I love this doctor and the whole office. Everyone from the receptionist, to the schedulers, to the nurses, to the doctors, are so kind, understanding, and amazing. I am in great hands.

Of course, I worry about my body, and what it is doing and how it can effect the baby, but I feel like it all will be ok, as long as we keep close watch. And oh man, did Ben and I have fun telling the kids and going over some little girl names last night.

Update

First of all,
Thank you to everyone for your advice and for your encouragement to get a new OB. It gave me the push I needed, and I made the change. I truly appreciate your support and advice. It helped a lot to know I was not alone, or just being weird, in my feelings of worry and frustration. Thank you.

I spent Saturday in a great deal of pain, with some spotting to top it off. I called my doctor twice, supposedly they paged him, no one ever called me back.

Sunday was the same. I was in a lot of pain with cramping, I called the doctor three times, each time they said they paged him, I never got a call back. The last time I called, I was very blunt and begged to talk to him or any doctor for that matter. They were not nice, I was ticked, they said a doctor would call, I heard nothing. To say I was upset and worried would be an extreme understatement.

Today, I woke up and called the doctor's office of the new OB I had decided to use. I have to deliver at a certain hospital, so my options are limited, but I got a great recommendation and went with it. I knew that they had never seen me, and had no records, but I asked if I could please be seen today. They had me leave a message for a nurse, and because of my experience this past weekend, I had no hope of getting a call back.

45 minutes later, the nurse called back, and apologized for taking so long. Seriously, I just wanted to kiss her for calling back so quickly or even at all. I was thrilled to finally hear from someone!

She was incredible. She listened to me describe my past 4 days. She was so understanding and more than willing to try to figure out what is going on. She took it very seriously and could not believe I was sent home from the ER being told not to worry and to resume normal activity. She even looked up my ultrasound results and my paper work from the ER while I was on the phone with her! How awesome is that.

She told me that she would talk with the doctor and call me back. And she did, and it was fast! Hooray!

The doctor (who will not be my new doctor, but was so awesome and willing to step in today, and who works with my new OB) said that I need to at least be on moderate bed rest starting right now. No lifting William, no exercising, and no unnecessary work of any kind.
She says I most likely (not for sure) have partial or full placenta previa, but that is not the reason for the bleeding and cramping. In fact, that will not be a big worry until the third trimester, if it has not corrected itself. BUT, they plan on closely monitoring it from here on out and treating the symptoms with it if and when they come.

That said, they are going to try to find the source of my bleeding, cramping and back pain. They have some guesses, some scary, some not, but nothing is for sure yet.

SO

THEY, not I....THEY scheduled an appointment for me to see the doctor asap! I go in Friday morning for an ultrasound and then an appointment right after. Hopefully we will know what is happening after that. Good or bad, I just really need to know what to plan on and what to do about it. Being in the dark is horrible.

Both the nurse and the doctor were phenomenal! My new OB works with them, and they only had great things to say about him as well. I am so relieved.


I am done with my other OB, and I honestly feel like I am in very good hands now, and that I am with the doctor that I need to be with right now.

I do know that something is not right and that my body is trying to tell me something, but I also have hope. I am pretty nervous for Friday, and for what they may discover, but I do have peace and feel that my baby is ok. I may just have to sacrifice a lot more than expected to keep it that way. I hope I am strong enough.

The Scare

Yesterday was my second OB appointment. I had been having some cramping and some back pain, so of course, I was worried. I worry a lot now. Once you experience the worst case scenario with pregnancy, you will worry with each pregnancy after. At least, that has been the case with me. And it is normal, or so I have been told.

My worry has subsided since giving birth to William though, and this pregnancy has not been nearly as nerve-wracking as his was....until yesterday.

My doctor here is a little "interesting." Granted, I have only seen him twice, but he really doesn't seem to care too much. My first appointment, he didn't even give me "the exam" that we all get to experience. He just asked me questions, interrupted me a lot, didn't really listen, did an ultrasound, to calm my fears and get a heartbeat (my request) and sent me on my way. He forgot me as soon as I walked out the door. I never saw him write anything down, and I have a history what most doctors would be writing down and asking about. I got the feeling that he wasn't listening, at all.

My appointment yesterday was similar. I told him that I thought I was anemic. I was anemic for a year, severely anemic for 6 months of that year. I have lost 35% of my blood before. Believe me, I know what it feels like, and I know I am anemic right now. He glanced at my chart from 5 weeks ago, and said, "your iron looks fine." uuummm, yes, I am sure it was 5 WEEKS AGO. A lot can happen in 5 weeks buddy. Especially in pregnancy.
He never measured me, or talked about my concerns with the cramping and back pain, but he did get a good strong heartbeat. And I did a HUGE sigh of relief. We scheduled my 18 week ultrasound, he moved my due date back 2 days to June 6th (for reasons unknown??), then he sent me on my merry way.

Move ahead three hours.

I got home from taking Mary to gymnastics (and running out of gas on 106...yup, that was fun), I went to the bathroom, and there it was. The very thing I have nightmares about now. The one thing that I dread finding. The culprit of my pregnancy fears. Blood, and lots of it. Enough to make me call for Ben.

I go into shock, Ben looks like he just saw a ghost, and time kind of just froze for a few minutes. Then we went into action mode. We found a sitter for Sam, packed the diaper bag, Ben forces me to eat dinner because I was previously starving (good man) and I call and call and call my doctor. The nurse says he will call back.

So we wait, and wait and wait. It was awful.

45 minutes later, yes...45 minutes later, the doctor calls. I told him what was going on. He tells me to go to the ER where he will order an ultrasound.

We go to the E.R. where they say there is no ultrasound ordered. So, we call the doctor again.

And we wait and wait and wait. The order never comes.

40 minutes later, we just check in to the ER, forget the ultrasound order, and I get into a room, and we wait, and wait and wait.

They decide to check me, and then do the ultrasound in the ER. They say they need to get a nurse and will be right back.

Then we wait and wait and wait. The thoughts going through my mind were nuts. Worry, stress, sad, hope, fear, prayers, lots of prayers, and so on. The nurse comes 30 minutes later and they do an exam.

Finally, we got the ultrasound. I thought my lungs were going to burst out of my chest with anxiety. And then there was a heartbeat. Major relief is the only word to describe it, but it doesn't even adequately describe what we felt. I was so relieved I got light headed. I knew we weren't out of the woods, but seeing the heartbeat made me not care about what may come next.

We saw our baby, and then the tech. went on to measure other things.

The results:
The baby is strong and fine, and a week and a 1/2 bigger than we thought. My due date was changed to May 28th. It went from June 4th to June 6th to May 28th in about 6 hours. My placenta is very low. It is not in the right place at the moment. The ER doctor said that it was placenta previa. Full placenta previa.

What to do:
According to the ER doctor: Lots of ultrasounds from here on out, monitoring my bleeding, and if the placenta doesn't move, I will have the baby c-section. Oh, and partial bed rest until the cramping and bleeding stop. This was the prognosis of the ER doctor. The doctor I trusted and that listened to me. The one I liked and felt was right.

Then he called my doctor (who was not even at the same hospital as me) and came back saying this:

"Um, your doctor says that this can be normal. He says not to worry, the placenta will most likely move. He feels no need to follow up with you. You will just see him again in 5 weeks at your scheduled appointment. You can go home, and live life like normal." There was no mention of why I could be bleeding and contracting, or what to do about it.

SERIOUSLY!!! I am all sorts of anxious and worried and looking for answers, and I just got two completely different opinions. Of course, my doctor's opinion overrides the ER doctor. Even if he didn't remember me from just a few hours ago.

Then we left. And here we are.

I cramped all night and didn't sleep well.

Maybe I am just being paranoid, but I spent the morning trying to find a new OB. I need a second opinion, and I feel that I need one soon. The soonest I can be seen by anyone is in a week and 1/2. I scheduled it.

So for now, I am just lying low, trying not to lift anything heavy or do anything that may cause more cramping and bleeding. I am not going to just "live life like normal." Obviously, something is not right, and I am going to be careful. And I guess I will just wait. And wait and wait.

I feel peace and I know that the baby is ok, but it sure would be nice to know exactly what is going on with me and why I have these symptoms. And I really would like to know sooner than 5 weeks from now. I think my doc. should at least have scheduled a follow up appointment in a few days or something.

Am I just being paranoid, or does anyone else out there find that a little odd?

I Have Realized....

...that watching Ben ski with Mary and Sam is a rare opportunity of a glimpse into true happiness in one of its rarest forms.

All three of them grinned and grinned and grinned.

All three of them are dare devils and had me biting my nails off, one at a time. All three of them love the sport. And all three of them were having fun together, a sight that melted my heart.

William is not one step behind. He was watching with such profound interest, I could tell he was eager to get out there and try it himself. Instead of skiing this year, he learned all about snow. The taste of snow, the smell of snow, the feel of snow under his boots, and the thrill of snow that comes from the heart of a child.
It was a great day on the ski hill for our whole family.

...great big cups of hot chocolate, complete with whip cream and marshmallows, can thaw the frozen toes and fingers brought on by a day in the snow, and warm hearts.

...although netflix is great, redbox is still a must have.

...that hanging the Christmas lights on the house with Ben is actually really fun, especially when the kids are occupying themselves by making a fort in Mary's room. We don't always see eye to eye on when and how to hang the lights, and it has been a little "interesting" in years past, but this year we met in the middle and had a great time. Ben proved his Superman-ness once more and got the lights to the edge of the roof without falling off. I am usually the one on the roof, but Ben sacrificed himself this year, in order not to risk hurting the baby in the womb. I LOVE our new lights this year, and I really didn't mind unscrewing every other one to make the red/white pattern. I think it is so cute, and so much better than our other lights that would always sag, burn out in chunks, and randomly blink or not blink. So much better this year!


...that having Thanksgiving dinner with our own little family can be just as meaningful and fun as we make it. I did the whole sha-bang. Turkey, stuffing, yams, layered jello (common, I had to, we are in Utah now), rolls, and on and on and on.
The dinner was so yummy, and making it was fun too. We even pulled out or china. oooohhh, aaahhhh. We talked about what we are thankful for and enjoyed being together, just us, our own little unit. Next year we will put the turkey in before hanging the lights though. Lets just say our Thanksgiving "feast" was a little later then normal. But all was well. At least it wasn't Denny's this year. Perspective my friends..perspective. ;)

...that friends, lots of pie, and a Just Dance Wii game can make for a fun Thanksgiving evening. Thank you Katie and fam for making the trek over here to hang with us. It made the day complete for sure.

...that setting up the Christmas decorations with the whole family takes a lot longer, but is so much more fun to do with everyone, than by myself.

The joy and excitement it brought to our kids and our home was priceless, and worth every extra minute it took.

...that one hotel room for a night with the family, walking around and checking out the lights on Temple Square,

watching movies while eating Oreos (with cheese?) in a great big hotel bed,

swimming, swimming, swimming, and more swimming,


eating out, hanging out, and getting a Christmas tree is probably the best way ever to spend a Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving.

...that we are capable of having a lot of fun with our own little family. Of course, we love to be with extended family, loved ones and friends. We cherish those moments with people we love. But, I realized this weekend, that as our kids continue to grow and we are able to do more things, we can have so much fun with just us. And we did. It gave me a new perspective into our future together, and made me very excited for trips, weekends, moments, and memories we will make together as a family.

..that a Christmas tree looks a lot smaller in the tree lot. oops. ;)
But is was so pretty! We could make it work, if we didn't use the piano, sit on the couch, or attempt to put gifts under the tree.

We have decided that part of FHE tonight will be exchanging our tree for a smaller one. At least the house smells of fresh pine (which to me is the best smell on earth).

...that a date with Ben, no matter what we do, is wonderful. We spent Saturday evening at the movies, and I even got popcorn! That is pretty amazing for us and our frugal ways sometimes. It was yummy. The movie, in my opinion and contrary to popular belief, was pretty good, and the time alone with Ben was great. He is my best friend.

...that my jeans are oh, so tight and my maternity pants are oh, so loose. Such a fun phase.

...that Mary has a shark mouth.

The poor kid hasn't lost a tooth yet, and she will be 7 in a few weeks. She pretty much doesn't have a chance, with my genetics anyway. I lost my first tooth (that wasn't pulled by the dentist) when I was almost 8. My sister is the same.

Mary finally has a loose tooth though, and luckily, it is the one in front of the shark tooth. eek!

...that a beautiful choir practice with wonderful Christmas music, tithing settlement (and realizing our blessings) and hanging out with friends on a Sunday evening is the perfect way to end a wonderful weekend. Even if we did play a head chopping, big chested, bum in the wind type of game. It was all good. ;)


...that this post is getting very, very long, and I am still in my pj's and I need to go to the store. I'm still pretending it's the weekend. Denial, I guess.
I am very grateful for the wonderful weekend we were able to have and the happiness and joy we felt. It was a very, very happy Thanksgiving, and one I feel was very needed, a great blessing, and not taken for granted.

Because I really don't want to forget.

These are just a FEW things I have heard a certain adorable 4 yr. old boy say lately.

Ben: "Sam, why are you such a good boy?"
Sam: "um, I don't know...Jesus."


Me: "Sam, please behave a little better."
Sam: " I am being have."
Me: "huh?"
Sam: " And how can I behave anyway, I don't even know who Have is?"


(on Sam's first day of preschool)
Ben: "Sam, do you remember what I said about preschool."
Sam: "I know, I know...be nice to the humans."

Sam: "Life would be so much better without a mom and dad."
Me: "Oh really...why?"
Sam: "Because then we could buy toys that are too expensive, because no one would say they are too expensive."
Me: "They would still be expensive Sam, and how would you get the money to pay for them?
Sam: "Well, I guess we would keep dad. And there is always grandma."

(during prayers)
Mom is saying the prayer and Sam interrupts and says,
"Please tell Jesus to tell Santa that I want a remote control monster truck for Christmas. I am too shy to tell Santa myself, and Santa has to listen to Jesus."

And now for a little story.
The other day I bought Sam some gloves at the store. I just grabbed a pair and threw them in the cart. They were army green with little sticky pads on the palms and under the fingers.
When I brought them home and gave them to Sam, he was ecstatic! He calls them his sticky gloves, and he swears that he can climb buildings and poles with them. He even tried to climb the walls in our house.
This has gone on for two weeks now, and even though he has yet to climb up the house by his fingertips, he is convinced that he can.
He is now asking for sticky socks, he is sure that those will be all he needs to give him the extra boost to climb everything.
It is hilarious, and so funny.

Four is one of my favorite ages, and I sure love my little Sammy boy. He keeps me smiling.

Putting myself in time out.

Time Out For Women that is.

Oh what a weekend!

It was spent with 15+ wonderful women that I have come to know and love this past year and 1/2. We ate yummy food at great places, giggled into the wee hours of the morning, laughed and cried throughout the presentations, were so spiritualy uplifted and rejuvinated by amazing speakers and music, had a crazy experience during our midnight run to Chili's for chips and salsa, and my sickness, lonliness, frustrated, slump these past few months was finally lifted.

I have never done anything like this before, and it was my FIRST time ever spending a night away from my family doing something fun, for me. After I saw and felt how wonderful and rejuvinating it was, I plan on making this a tradition. And so does everyone else.

Ben did a wonderful job of juggling sports, Birthday parties, getting ready for company, and holding the fort down. He did not complain, and constantly told me to not worry and to just have fun. He is such a great guy.

Because I was able to relax and really dig deep for a day or so, my heart was healed a little more from some hurt I was carrying, I gained a greater resolve to brush things off and to choose how I feel, instead of letting others. My nausea was literally lifted from me for a few days, I felt the love and closeness of my Savior, and I came away with new goals, new desires, new confidence, and a better sense of who I am and why I am here.

The weekend flew by, and before we all knew it, we were homeward bound once more. I came home to my mother-in-law and Ben's brother and his family here. We have had a fun past few days hanging out and being together. The kids are having a blast with grandma, and I am so, So, SO thankful for some loving, helping hands in our home.
My brother and his family arrive tonight, and fly out to AZ in the morning, Ben's family will stay until tomorrow, and then boom...Thanksgiving and a fun filled weekend.

Crazy, but a good crazy. I will take it for sure.

To add to the weekend, I am now officially 12 weeks along. The nausea is strong today, but the past few days, I have noticed that it is finally beginning to subside, in small doses. That has given me a lot of hope and excitement. I even ate some sugar without feeling like death run over!

Also, I saw the first picture of myself since I got my new hair style. It was taken at Time Out For Women, and I LOVED it! I don't think many of us knew the picture was being taken, but I was just so happy to see myself with hair, instead of all face in a picture. I LOVE my new long, side-swept bangs, and the highlights and lowlights. It has been my favorite haircut so far. Ben loves it too, which makes it even better. Hooray! (the washing machine is a little joke)

All in all, I am feeling much better in several areas. Life is not perfect, and anyone who says so, and who gets on others for not saying the same, has some problems. But it is better and I have hope that it will contiue to go mostly upward from here. And for now, I will bask in it.

For this momma, time out is the best punishment you could give me. ;)

Waves

Hello blogging world,
I am back. What a crazy ride we have been on. Sorry for no posting, and no checking up on other posts either. I hope no one is offended. There is just a time and a place for blogging for me, and the past little while has not been the time.

I have noticed a certain pattern in my life and the life of my family. The pattern comes in the form of waves. A true test of endurance I think. Good thing I run, and have taught myself how to endure, even when you feel like lying down on the road, crying and giving up. I honestly feel that endurance has been a gift given to me in a few forms, and a gift I am expected to use.

For us, when life is good, it is good. We have fun, we embrace it, we enjoy it, and we make the most of it. We love to have fun.

When life gets hard, it gets really hard. We struggle, we fight, we cry and we endure. And it usually does not just sprinkle, we get the floods.

For some reason, we don't get much of the here a little and there a little types of things. It is all or nothing usually.

And I tell you what, during those long stretches of hardship, there is no better time to learn some serious life lessons, figure out who your true friends are, and dig deep.

If you didn't see my last post, you may want to go back to it, but it is the perfect example of what I am talking about. We don't just get a few days of a stomach bug. Nope, we get that along with about 5 other illnesses, a cracked skull, morning sickness, and some other issues that are personal.

And no, it didn't end when the post did. I am just coming away from a horrid 3 day stomach bug, which William also had. So fun.

Ben gave me a blessing last night, because after 8 weeks of being sick and taking care of the sick, I finally cracked. Oh yeah, I sure cracked. It was amazing, I am sure.

This morning though, I woke up with all sorts of perspective and insight. And to me, a lesson learned and not recorded, is a lesson not remembered. So, leaving out some of the more personal stuff, here are some things I have learned during this wave in our lives.

Lesson #1
True friends will reveal themselves when endurance is put to the test.
Yup, that's right. And this can be a very hurtful lesson when it comes to some friends that leave you, label you as annoying or a complainer, or just ignore you during long bouts of hardship, but come running when it is time to party.
I can honestly say, that I was quite surprised with who actually has continued to call and check up and offer to help, and who has turned the other cheek and ignored us, or have asked how we are and then walked away.
I am so grateful for true friends, even when I may be surprised with who they end up being or not being.

Lesson #2
If momma aint happy, aint nobody happy.
This past little while, I have had my eyes opened to how my illness, sadness, happiness, energy or lack of, and attention, truly set the tone for our home and family.
I have learned to hide a lot, to suffer silently a few times, to cook dinner when I feel half dead, and to smile for the kids, when really I am holding down the urge to vomit or scream.
My family deserves a stable mother, through sickness and health. I am trying.

Lesson #3
Just because you're the momma doesn't mean you don't need yours
My mom had surgery last week, and therefore has not been able to physically be here to help. Long phone conversations however, have gone a long way. If anything, they have helped with the loneliness of being stuck home sick for weeks on end.

Lesson #4
Christmas music can be listened to before Thanksgiving, if it means making you feel better.
And it does, so I am listening to it.

Lesson #5
Outward not Inward
This one has been hard, because inward, I have been the one needing. No matter what though, it always feels good to look outward for someone in need and to serve. There is always an opportunity.

Lesson #6
The Gospel is true. The Lord understands. Prayers are answered. Blessings come. All we need to do is ask and follow.
I will NEVER deny this.

Lesson #7
Bitterness grows. Forgiveness forgets.
Oh man, have I had a battle with this one. I am finally winning, I think.

Lesson #8
Ben is the eternal companion for me..oh, and he is Superman.
Ben is my best friend. He is an amazing listener. He has a great strong shoulder to cry on, and he is patient. I love him.

Lesson #8
Look Forward
Looking forward to things, when the present isn't that great, really helps me to keep going and have hope. Time Out For Women is tomorrow, and I am more than excited. Friends, hotel, dinner, spiritual boosts from amazing people, and time for me. That is so rare, and so needed.
Thanksgiving has also been another thing I have been anticipating. A nice break from the norm, getting away for a while, and time with family.
BUT, life happens, plans changed, and we will be on our own this year, in our own home. At first, I was pretty sad, but now I am excited thinking about how we are going to make it a very fun weekend. And I have done Thanksgiving dinner on my own several times now, so I look forward to making the food and doing it how we like it.
We have a lot of really fun plans for that weekend, including skiing, sledding, festival of the trees, Temple Square lights, movies, caramel apples, getting the Christmas tree, and more. I am very excited to have a weekend with our own little family, making traditions and relaxing together. It will all be ok.

Lesson #9
Find the lessons in the situation.
Feeling like you are going through something for nothing but pure torture, is too much for anyone to handle. Finding the lessons in life's ups and downs is vital for me. Applying those lessons is even more important.

And the list goes on, but I will stop there. Have I been a good student?

So there you have it. A few of the things this "wave" has taught me. Let's hope it is calm waters for a while now.

The Last 13 Days

Lets just say it went a little something like this.

Wednesday: Sam gets hit in the head with a golf club. Spends the night bawling and we are up all night wiping clear fluid from his ear and trying to get him comfortable. Sam can't sleep on that side of his head. (13 days later, he still can't)

Thursday: Ben's Birthday. Go to pediatrician, specialist and then to Primary Children's. Learn of Sam's skull fracture and serious injury to head and ear. Up all night Thursday night with Sam, who is in a lot of pain again.

Friday: Celebrate Ben's Birthday. Ben has a horrible allergic reaction to honey, breaks out in hives and swells up like a balloon. I am VERY sick and exhausted. Go to school Carnival, which turned out pretty fun. We are up several times in the night with Sam again. I am up several times, because I am sick.

Saturday: Sam has a high fever and is coughing. William has a horrid diaper rash. Both are miserable all day. Cancel adult only neighborhood Halloween party and spend a miserable evening with sick kids. My nausea gets worse by quite a lot. Up several times in the night fighting Sam's fever and cough.

Sunday: Not a good day. Have some not so good things come up to deal with emotionally. I am slammed on all levels now. William begins coughing. No church for anyone. Sam is STILL sick and is showing signs of hearing loss. I cry a lot all day out of exhaustion, frusteration and being so sick with morning sickness. William is up all night with a burning fever. Sam is up coughing. I throw up several times that evening.

Monday: Sam and William are sick. Mom is sick. Try to have a good Halloween. Day gets better as it goes. Sam goes to five houses and then gets too sick and spends trick or treating time on couch watching a show. (he watched almost 60 episodes of Dragon Tails in 13 days) Yup, this is a kid who I have to beg to just watch one show. Mom stays home with he and William.

Tuesday: Sam gets a horrible stomach ache. He goes diarrhea in his pants twice. Mom gets to clean it up. William is very sick with a fever and is coughing. Dad stays home to try to help. Up all night again with kids.

Wednesday: Mary starts running a fever. Sam's stomach ache is worse. William is coughing up mucus balls and choking on them. Mom is the most nauseated she has been so far in the pregnancy. Mom has several breakdowns again. Up all night with Mary, who hates medicine. Takes 2 hours to get meds in her. She finally eats a pill hidden inside a Snickers bar at 2:00AM.

Thursday: All three kids are home all day sick and miserable. So is mom. Mom has first baby appointment. Doctor is so kind and does an ultrasound. Get to see baby and hear heartbeat. Nothing more precious. Up all night again.

Friday: Kids show signs of being a little better. Mom is still crappy. Ben tries to help mom's declining emotional state by planning a dinner date. Date is wonderful. Come home to find out William cried the entire time. He is cutting three teeth. Pay babysitter extra. Up all night with Mary who now has a stomach ache and William whose mouth hurts.

Saturday: Kids finally seem well! Mom gets her hair done at a nice salon, and loves the change. She listens to Christmas music (a little early for her, but so needed) on the way there, and looks at the beautiful snow. She then treats her sick self and Mary to Costa Vida after getting Mary from gymnastics. Ben goes to a ski shop with the boys and meets all of the pros that he knows all about. He buys some goggles from one of them and then sees the pro wearing them in a video he shot earlier. Mary gets adorable gymnastics pictures with her team. Sam has energy and eats a meal for the first time in almost two weeks. Things are looking up, finally! Mom gets fever that night.

Sunday: Mom has fever and chills, sore throat and morning sickness, but demands that everyone goes to church. We had to get out of the house. Sacrament meeting was good, mom spends the other two hours trying to get a very sad William to stay in nursery. Mom takes a big nap after choir, house gets cleaned for the first time in weeks, we have a yummy dinner and the night ends well. Up 5 times in the night, because Sam's legs are killing him (growing pains).

Today: Kids are well, I am dealing with the nausea better now that I had a night of sleep (yes, compared to the other nights, getting up 5 times is considered good sleep now), and I think we are finally out of the woods. Now would be a good time to have the baby, I am very used to sleep deprivation.

I must say I learned a lot these past 13 days. I won't say that I am grateful for them yet, but I learned a lot about myself, my family, and truly helping those in need.

So, how was your last 13 days?

Big Week

What a week. It is amazing that a week that was already planned to be big, became even bigger. Oh well, it's life I guess.

Ben turned the big 30 on the 27th. We planned to celebrate his Birthday the next day though, and it worked out well, because his actual birthday was spent at doctors offices and at Primary Childrens with Sam.

We spend a good part of that day worried and praying. Our prayers were answered, and we are so grateful that he is going to be ok in time and is home. He has some hearing loss that we are concerned about, but that will be checked out at a future appointment.

We celebrated the next day by giving Ben 30 gifts that he opened throughout the day.


A lot of them were letters from friends and loved ones, and he got some other fun things as well.
We made him a snowman cake (a plea to the snow Gods for Ben) and we went to dinner.

After dinner, it was off to the school Halloween Carnival. The kids had an absolute blast there. I remember going to one each year at my school when I was a kid, and it was a highlight for sure!

It was a day well spent, or at least, I think so. I am sure Ben had a good day.

He did have a weird allergic reaction to honey, right before he came home from work. He came home all swollen and broke out in hives. (no pun intended, hehehe)
It was really crazy and a little scary! We got him pumped full of Benedryl, and he was good to go that evening. So weird.

That night, Sam woke up with a very high fever and a nasty cough. He was up every hour the rest of the night, and has been very sick ever since. We are still battling the fever and his sore throat. Croup is the worst! That poor kid just can't seem to catch a break.

We were supposed to go to an adult only Halloween Party that evening. I had been looking forward to it all week and was so excited. The day turned into a disaster, and with Sam being sick, we just couldn't make it. I was pretty sad, but what do you do.

Halloween turned out to be pretty fun and low key this year. Because of the lack of sleep from being up with Sam, my morning sickness has been raging. I was very sick for Halloween. I normally do a really fun spooky dinner, but this time, we got a pumpkin pizza at Papa Murphey's. It was really nice actually, and may become a tradition.




The kids were beyond excited and took off and go trick or treating as soon as Ben got home. Sam made it down the street, and then was too sick to continue. So, I walked home with he and William, and we finished the night off watching Dragon Tails on the couch. Mary and Ben continued on and had a great time.

I forgot that we live in Utah and that there are a million kids here, and we ran out of candy within 1/2 hour. oops! I felt terrible turning off the light and locking the door, but what else was there to do. Next year I will buy at least 6 bags, instead of two.

Sam got a lot of candy earlier in the day at Walmart of all places. I guess you can trick or treat there. I just happened to go there to get some stuff, and we came home with a bucket full of candy. I am so grateful now, because Sam is happy and feels like he got lots of candy and had a good Halloween. Thank you Walmart.

William woke up sick this morning, and our dishwasher broke. We also had a bunch of lights burn out in our vaulted ceilings, and we thought a water pipe broke last night.

Some other issues also came up this weekend, that were very emotionally draining for me, and still are. I have been put in some awkward situations and have had my integrity questioned a lot.

It has been a pretty rough week around here to say the least. With morning sickness raging, it makes it all seem so much worse. I am glad that we had a Birthday and a holiday, so that the kids can have fun and hopefully not notice my struggles as a parent, spouse, homemaker, neighbor and friend.

Life goes on, and I am hoping for better times ahead. I do have my doctor appointment in two days, and I am getting my hair done on Saturday. (ready for a new look) Hopefully that will help me feel more alive and give me some fresh energy to keep going with.